Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who suffered a serious health setback earlier this year. She is improving. In some ways, it seems miraculous. But there is still a lot of rehabilitative work to do. The problem is that my friend thinks she is ready to do anything, and she’s not. She told me that she is about to make a pitch to her old job to see if she can come back. I know these people really like her, but she did physical work, and her body just isn’t up to that yet.

How can I help her to be more realistic about what’s happening with her? I don’t want her to get her feelings hurt when she tries to get reinstated for a job she cannot do right now. -- Want To Help

DEAR WANT TO HELP: Tell your friend you want to help her prepare for her discussion with her old job. Invite her to pitch her idea to you as a sounding board. Respond to the idea she presents and ask tough questions, including how she will be able to handle the physical challenges of the job. Then encourage her to think of what she has the strength and capability to do. Is there another role at her old job that might be a better match right now? Encourage her to be realistic about her current circumstance. Remind her gently of what you have seen her limitations to be. Further, let her know that as much as her former company may love her, they cannot hire her for a job that she is ill-equipped to handle.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriends and I take a vacation trip together every year. We have been doing this forever, it seems. Since we’ve started, some of us have gotten married and had babies, some have gotten divorced -- the whole nine. Due to life circumstances, people miss the trip occasionally, but mostly we carve out time to get together. This year, I don’t think I can go. I got laid off from my job a few months ago and haven’t found another one yet. I can barely pay my mortgage these days, let alone splurge a few grand for this trip. Still, I need this time with my girls. Usually when people bail it’s because of those things I mentioned, like a baby or something. I don’t know if I want to tell them what happened. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. What should I say? -- No Girls Trip

DEAR NO GIRLS TRIP: Losing a job is a legitimate life circumstance. While it is stressful, it is not something you should hide. Tell your friends you will not be joining them this year. Tell them before you have the stress of trying to get back deposits and disentangle from contracts. And yes, explain that finances are tight this year as you are currently unemployed. You hope to join them again next year.

If anyone offers to pay your way, consider that carefully. You may not want to set that precedent unless you feel it would be no burden on whomever offered.

If someone wants to talk to you about what’s going on, accept the overture. Rather than moping and sulking, though, talk about what you want to do next. Create a window for others to help you find a new job, not just console you for your loss.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has always smoked weed, but ever since quarantine, he has smoked every day, often starting at 7 a.m. and going throughout the day. Even though he’s back at work in a hybrid capacity, I’m working from home. It drives me crazy to have to smell weed all day long. As I am conducting Zoom meetings or otherwise working, the last thing I want to smell is marijuana smoke wafting through my house. He knows I can’t stand it.

Sometimes he lights a candle, but normally he just smokes and that’s that. I can’t take it anymore. I want him to stop smoking, at least while I’m working. What can I say to get him to refrain? We live in an apartment, so there is no backyard or man cave he can escape to. We are in a small space together. -- Boundaries

DEAR BOUNDARIES: So many challenges emerged out of the quarantine period. Many couples found themselves in situations where one partner’s habits annoyed the you-know-what out of the other. Yours sounds especially frustrating. While you probably can’t get your husband to stop smoking altogether, it is fair for you to ask him not to smoke during business hours.

Be direct when you talk to him -- preferably when he is not high. Point out that you are working each day during specific hours. You would like for him to refrain from smoking during those hours. If he balks, remind him that if he were at his job, he would not be able to smoke on site. During the workday when he is at home, he is essentially in your workplace. Ask him not to smoke at your job site during working hours.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Going into the holiday season, I already know I don’t have the funds to buy a whole lot of gifts for people. I do have things that I could share with loved ones, though. I have a pretty cool collection of books that I could give to some of the people on my list. I also have some clothing items that could be nice for gifts. I’m just not so sure that people will appreciate these items. How do I let my loved ones know that I am giving from my closet without seeming pathetic? -- Creative Gifting

DEAR CREATIVE GIFTING: Make it a big deal that you have made this choice. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Write a note to go with each item. State that you have selected the particular thing for them. You enjoyed it immensely, and now you want to share it with them in hopes that they will enjoy it as well. This is when the notion of “it’s the thought that counts” really matters. You did think about each person and what they would like. To the best of your ability, you offered them something with love from your own home. Whether they will use it is on them. Hopefully, they will appreciate your thoughtfulness in selecting it and presenting it to them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are working through some tough financial issues. We lost a lot of money due to bad investments, business deals and poor money management, and now we are struggling badly. We are afraid we may lose our home. The only people I can think of to ask for help are my parents, but I’m hesitant to ask. They told me years ago, when my husband and I first got engaged, that they do not think that we are financially responsible enough to be married. Telling them of our situation will mean we proved them right. What should I do? -- Proving Them Right

DEAR PROVING THEM RIGHT: Before going to your parents, can you go to a credit counselor? It would be helpful for you to get informed financial advice on what you can do to consolidate your debt and make strategic decisions to right your course. A debt management professional may be able to guide you toward specific things you can do to get your finances under control.

After you have a plan, go to your parents. Tell them what is happening. Admit that you have not managed your finances well and you are in dire straits. Tell them what you have done thus far to get your life under control. Then ask for their help. Be prepared for them to say no, by the way. You may have to handle this completely on your own. If so, make the best of it to prove to yourselves that you can turn your life around.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had my son when I was 16 years old. About five years into his life, I regretted the name I had chosen for him. It just doesn’t fit. I’ve started to call him by his nickname, which is a slightly better fit for him, but I hate that he is stuck with such a poorly chosen name. My son is 10 now. Ultimately, it is his decision, but is it too late in life to discuss changing his name with him? Could it give him an identity issue? -- Big Decision

DEAR BIG DECISION: How does your son feel about his name? Does he like the nickname that you use for him? One’s official name on a birth certificate can be changed, now or later. Since your son does not have to be called by that name, it may not be a real issue. You may want to talk to your son’s teachers to make it clear how he should be addressed.

You haven’t said what name you chose. If his given name is something that would trigger taunting or ridicule by his peers and that has already happened, you should talk to your son and give him the opportunity to change it. You can ask him what he would like to be called and see what he comes up with. This can be a positive moment for his identity if you handle it carefully.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)