Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been traveling a lot for work and generally overdoing it, and I don’t feel well. I know that I do not have COVID-19. For my job, I have had to get a COVID-19 test every day for weeks. So I continue to go to work, even though I am coughing and definitely not at my best. People look at me funny when I cough, and I assure them that I do not have COVID-19. But I know I’m not well, and I remember pre-COVID-19 that when people got sick, they often stayed home. Nobody does that anymore, so I’m afraid to take time off. What should I do? -- Unwell

DEAR UNWELL: Schedule a visit with your doctor and describe your symptoms in detail. You are right. COVID-19 is one disease you may have, but not the only one. This time of year, many germs are out there. Clearly, you have caught something. Rest may be the best healer for you -- especially since you say you have been on the road so much. But you may also need medication to knock out an infection in your body. Don’t try to self-medicate. Let a doctor test you to see what's going on. Get the medication and care you need. And if it makes sense to take a sick day, do it. You do not want to be responsible for sending a group of people home on sick leave because you didn’t take care of yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have gained a lot of weight in the past year. I noticed it when a friend sent me pictures of myself and them at an event that I attended recently. I was slouching in one photo, and good lord, I looked like a hot mess. I have spent so much time by myself at home in front of a tiny little screen wearing sweats, I hadn’t paid attention. But I see that things are out of control. I am not a young person. I’m worried about whether I can get the weight off at this stage in my life, but I have to do something. Where should I start? -- Pounds Be Gone

DEAR POUNDS BE GONE: Be grateful for those photos. They were your wake-up call! Sometimes we need others to reflect back to us where we are. You should start by getting a complete physical. Make an appointment to see your internist. Be honest about what you have been eating, drinking and doing since your last visit. You must share with your doctor everything you eat, like late-night snacks, sweet drinks, your salty stash, etc. Your blood will tell a story about your health that will help your doctor to evaluate your physical state of being. From there, you can get advice.

Request a meeting with a nutritionist who can direct you on healthy food choices and portion sizes. Ask for a medical referral for a physical trainer. Get as much support as you can to jump start your return to good health. Then commit to the work and go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who suffered a serious health setback earlier this year. She is improving. In some ways, it seems miraculous. But there is still a lot of rehabilitative work to do. The problem is that my friend thinks she is ready to do anything, and she’s not. She told me that she is about to make a pitch to her old job to see if she can come back. I know these people really like her, but she did physical work, and her body just isn’t up to that yet.

How can I help her to be more realistic about what’s happening with her? I don’t want her to get her feelings hurt when she tries to get reinstated for a job she cannot do right now. -- Want To Help

DEAR WANT TO HELP: Tell your friend you want to help her prepare for her discussion with her old job. Invite her to pitch her idea to you as a sounding board. Respond to the idea she presents and ask tough questions, including how she will be able to handle the physical challenges of the job. Then encourage her to think of what she has the strength and capability to do. Is there another role at her old job that might be a better match right now? Encourage her to be realistic about her current circumstance. Remind her gently of what you have seen her limitations to be. Further, let her know that as much as her former company may love her, they cannot hire her for a job that she is ill-equipped to handle.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriends and I take a vacation trip together every year. We have been doing this forever, it seems. Since we’ve started, some of us have gotten married and had babies, some have gotten divorced -- the whole nine. Due to life circumstances, people miss the trip occasionally, but mostly we carve out time to get together. This year, I don’t think I can go. I got laid off from my job a few months ago and haven’t found another one yet. I can barely pay my mortgage these days, let alone splurge a few grand for this trip. Still, I need this time with my girls. Usually when people bail it’s because of those things I mentioned, like a baby or something. I don’t know if I want to tell them what happened. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. What should I say? -- No Girls Trip

DEAR NO GIRLS TRIP: Losing a job is a legitimate life circumstance. While it is stressful, it is not something you should hide. Tell your friends you will not be joining them this year. Tell them before you have the stress of trying to get back deposits and disentangle from contracts. And yes, explain that finances are tight this year as you are currently unemployed. You hope to join them again next year.

If anyone offers to pay your way, consider that carefully. You may not want to set that precedent unless you feel it would be no burden on whomever offered.

If someone wants to talk to you about what’s going on, accept the overture. Rather than moping and sulking, though, talk about what you want to do next. Create a window for others to help you find a new job, not just console you for your loss.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has always smoked weed, but ever since quarantine, he has smoked every day, often starting at 7 a.m. and going throughout the day. Even though he’s back at work in a hybrid capacity, I’m working from home. It drives me crazy to have to smell weed all day long. As I am conducting Zoom meetings or otherwise working, the last thing I want to smell is marijuana smoke wafting through my house. He knows I can’t stand it.

Sometimes he lights a candle, but normally he just smokes and that’s that. I can’t take it anymore. I want him to stop smoking, at least while I’m working. What can I say to get him to refrain? We live in an apartment, so there is no backyard or man cave he can escape to. We are in a small space together. -- Boundaries

DEAR BOUNDARIES: So many challenges emerged out of the quarantine period. Many couples found themselves in situations where one partner’s habits annoyed the you-know-what out of the other. Yours sounds especially frustrating. While you probably can’t get your husband to stop smoking altogether, it is fair for you to ask him not to smoke during business hours.

Be direct when you talk to him -- preferably when he is not high. Point out that you are working each day during specific hours. You would like for him to refrain from smoking during those hours. If he balks, remind him that if he were at his job, he would not be able to smoke on site. During the workday when he is at home, he is essentially in your workplace. Ask him not to smoke at your job site during working hours.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Going into the holiday season, I already know I don’t have the funds to buy a whole lot of gifts for people. I do have things that I could share with loved ones, though. I have a pretty cool collection of books that I could give to some of the people on my list. I also have some clothing items that could be nice for gifts. I’m just not so sure that people will appreciate these items. How do I let my loved ones know that I am giving from my closet without seeming pathetic? -- Creative Gifting

DEAR CREATIVE GIFTING: Make it a big deal that you have made this choice. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Write a note to go with each item. State that you have selected the particular thing for them. You enjoyed it immensely, and now you want to share it with them in hopes that they will enjoy it as well. This is when the notion of “it’s the thought that counts” really matters. You did think about each person and what they would like. To the best of your ability, you offered them something with love from your own home. Whether they will use it is on them. Hopefully, they will appreciate your thoughtfulness in selecting it and presenting it to them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)