Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am worried about my mother's newfound habits. She used to drink, and I was the one who pleaded with her to quit, but now she has turned to other unhealthy behaviors instead. I don't want to nag her and seem like I'm always trying to control her decisions, so how can I be supportive while encouraging healthy choices? Is there a way to do this without coming off as judgmental or intrusive? -- Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Quitting drinking is not the same thing as getting sober, though it is an excellent first step. Your mother needs counseling. She needs to work through her issues to figure out healthy choices to improve her quality of life. It is a process that takes time and focused attention. Otherwise, exactly what happened will continue: namely, that she replaces one vice with another.

In the early days of sobriety, people often start chain-smoking or overdrinking coffee. Some get involved in a string of sexual encounters, while others overspend. Addictive behavior doesn’t just evaporate because you put down the alcohol.

Without nagging, encourage your mother to keep up the good work and get a therapist to talk about what’s going on in her life. A neutral outside expert can likely help your mother far more effectively than you can. Focus on finding her the help she needs.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always strived to be a consistent friend. Whenever anyone needs my help or support, I'm there for them. But unfortunately, not all of my friends have been as consistent with me in return. It can be difficult to keep putting so much effort into a relationship when I don't get anything back. Despite any inconsistencies from others, I have always been a reliable and understanding friend to everyone who needs it.

In 2023, I am dedicated to being less available to the inconsistent people in my life because it just isn’t fair to me to keep carrying on this way. How can I navigate this? -- Consistent Friend

DEAR CONSISTENT FRIEND: Turn your attention to yourself. What do you need? How can you be your own friend and put yourself first? That doesn’t mean becoming selfish. Instead, it means tending to yourself before tending to others. Do inventory of your friendships. Which relationships seem to be reciprocal? Who are the takers? You can eliminate the takers, or at least reduce your interaction with them. You probably don’t need to say anything; just be less available. Use that extra time to focus on you.

One of the gifts of maturity is that you are more willing to take stock of your life and accept that only the deserving get to be a part of it. Takers are not deserving. If you stop giving, they will find somebody else to fill that need. They may become irritable with you at first -- so what! You can say that the help desk is closed. You don’t have time or inclination to tend to them anymore.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a co-worker who has serious B.O. I know he showers and takes care of himself, even though he doesn’t smell like it. We were on a business trip recently and had to stay in the same house. I witnessed him take long showers each day, and still he reeked of his awful musky scent after a few hours. I find it close to intolerable to work with him. His body odor makes me want to throw up. How do you even address something like that? I can’t accuse him of not bathing because he does. I guess it must be something he eats or just who he is, but the stench is making me crazy. What can I do? -- Ready To Puke

DEAR READY TO PUKE: This is a tough one. Our bodies do have their own individual smells, depending on so many factors, chief among them being what we put into them. Your friend’s strong scent likely is related to what he consumes. Whatever the reason, there is nothing you can do about it, at least as far as getting him to do something.

I spoke to an aesthetician who told me she often puts a dab of lavender under her nose when she is working closely with clients to mask their scents. You may want to consider such a solution. If you are able to light a candle or have air freshener in your shared space, that may help, as well. If you actively use it all the time, it won’t be obvious to him that you use it when he is around.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've had this one friend since college who I’ve always had a thing for. I used to think he was really sweet, but he's changed a lot over the years. He was a bit of a nerdy guy back then, but now that he's a very successful well-known artist, it seems like he has an air of cockiness about him. He often tells me about how many women are interested in him and how he’s too good for most of them.

We went on a few dates and the chemistry is there, but I'm not sure if it would be worth it to pursue anything with him -- he's so different from the way he was before. He has told me that he really likes me and wants a relationship with me, but I am hesitant because of how much he has changed. Should I give him a chance? -- Having Doubts

DEAR HAVING DOUBTS: Stay in the present and see what happens. This guy sounds like he may still have that vulnerable shy guy lying dormant inside. His cockiness may be a mask for insecurity. Time will show you who he is. Go out with him. Be in the moment and enjoy the experience. Do your best not to compare him to the nerdy guy of yesteryear. Pay attention to the man in front of you. See if you enjoy your conversation and camaraderie. Spend time with him without committing to anything at first. Tell him you want to take it slowly to see if you are compatible. By the way, a man who brags a lot about how many women are interested in him is probably exaggerating. Look past the bravado to see who this guy really is. The guy you liked years ago may be right there sitting in front of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been traveling a lot for work and generally overdoing it, and I don’t feel well. I know that I do not have COVID-19. For my job, I have had to get a COVID-19 test every day for weeks. So I continue to go to work, even though I am coughing and definitely not at my best. People look at me funny when I cough, and I assure them that I do not have COVID-19. But I know I’m not well, and I remember pre-COVID-19 that when people got sick, they often stayed home. Nobody does that anymore, so I’m afraid to take time off. What should I do? -- Unwell

DEAR UNWELL: Schedule a visit with your doctor and describe your symptoms in detail. You are right. COVID-19 is one disease you may have, but not the only one. This time of year, many germs are out there. Clearly, you have caught something. Rest may be the best healer for you -- especially since you say you have been on the road so much. But you may also need medication to knock out an infection in your body. Don’t try to self-medicate. Let a doctor test you to see what's going on. Get the medication and care you need. And if it makes sense to take a sick day, do it. You do not want to be responsible for sending a group of people home on sick leave because you didn’t take care of yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have gained a lot of weight in the past year. I noticed it when a friend sent me pictures of myself and them at an event that I attended recently. I was slouching in one photo, and good lord, I looked like a hot mess. I have spent so much time by myself at home in front of a tiny little screen wearing sweats, I hadn’t paid attention. But I see that things are out of control. I am not a young person. I’m worried about whether I can get the weight off at this stage in my life, but I have to do something. Where should I start? -- Pounds Be Gone

DEAR POUNDS BE GONE: Be grateful for those photos. They were your wake-up call! Sometimes we need others to reflect back to us where we are. You should start by getting a complete physical. Make an appointment to see your internist. Be honest about what you have been eating, drinking and doing since your last visit. You must share with your doctor everything you eat, like late-night snacks, sweet drinks, your salty stash, etc. Your blood will tell a story about your health that will help your doctor to evaluate your physical state of being. From there, you can get advice.

Request a meeting with a nutritionist who can direct you on healthy food choices and portion sizes. Ask for a medical referral for a physical trainer. Get as much support as you can to jump start your return to good health. Then commit to the work and go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)