Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have lots of vacation time left that I cannot roll over. I only realized it the other day, and it’s already almost the end of the year. I asked my boss if I can take time off right now, and she said it’s the worst possible time because other people are already out of the office. Should I try to get her to roll over the time to early next year anyway? It’s not fair that I lose my time. I wasn’t negligent; we have been working double time recently because the workload has increased dramatically. I suppose it is my fault, but I’m not getting a raise this year. I want to at least get the time that I deserve. -- Time Off

DEAR TIME OFF: Even though you have been busy doing your job, it is also your responsibility to request time off in a timely manner. Your company policy may be ironclad, but it is worth appealing to your boss’s sensitivities. Request a meeting and plead your case. You really are sorry that you did not ask for the time off earlier. Point out what you have been doing and that time has slipped by. Ask if there is any way for you to take some days off in January or February. What you don’t want to do is take the time without approval. Times are tough now, and companies appreciate team members who are all in. Hopefully your commitment will inspire them to support you.

If you are seething inside about not getting those days that you earned this year, make a plan for next year so that you don’t find yourself in this situation again. You can put reminders on your calendar for when to request time off. This is your responsibility, not your boss’s.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a poet and a college student. I was thinking of giving my family and friends poetry written specifically for them for Christmas. That may sound corny, but I think it’s better than nothing, or some cheap thing that I might be able to buy for them. I don’t have disposable income, so I really can’t do much in terms of purchased gifts. My plan is to put the poem on fancy paper in a frame to make it nice. And, as I said, each person would get their own poem. What do you think about that? -- Poetry

DEAR POETRY: Your creative idea for gifting poetry to your loved ones is sweet. If you do take the time and package the poems beautifully, your gift recipients should be happy. The more personal and positive you make the poetry and overall presentation, the more likely they will be touched by your thoughtfulness and the time you took to honor them. For anyone who responds in a snide or rude way, ignore them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am worried about my mother's newfound habits. She used to drink, and I was the one who pleaded with her to quit, but now she has turned to other unhealthy behaviors instead. I don't want to nag her and seem like I'm always trying to control her decisions, so how can I be supportive while encouraging healthy choices? Is there a way to do this without coming off as judgmental or intrusive? -- Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Quitting drinking is not the same thing as getting sober, though it is an excellent first step. Your mother needs counseling. She needs to work through her issues to figure out healthy choices to improve her quality of life. It is a process that takes time and focused attention. Otherwise, exactly what happened will continue: namely, that she replaces one vice with another.

In the early days of sobriety, people often start chain-smoking or overdrinking coffee. Some get involved in a string of sexual encounters, while others overspend. Addictive behavior doesn’t just evaporate because you put down the alcohol.

Without nagging, encourage your mother to keep up the good work and get a therapist to talk about what’s going on in her life. A neutral outside expert can likely help your mother far more effectively than you can. Focus on finding her the help she needs.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always strived to be a consistent friend. Whenever anyone needs my help or support, I'm there for them. But unfortunately, not all of my friends have been as consistent with me in return. It can be difficult to keep putting so much effort into a relationship when I don't get anything back. Despite any inconsistencies from others, I have always been a reliable and understanding friend to everyone who needs it.

In 2023, I am dedicated to being less available to the inconsistent people in my life because it just isn’t fair to me to keep carrying on this way. How can I navigate this? -- Consistent Friend

DEAR CONSISTENT FRIEND: Turn your attention to yourself. What do you need? How can you be your own friend and put yourself first? That doesn’t mean becoming selfish. Instead, it means tending to yourself before tending to others. Do inventory of your friendships. Which relationships seem to be reciprocal? Who are the takers? You can eliminate the takers, or at least reduce your interaction with them. You probably don’t need to say anything; just be less available. Use that extra time to focus on you.

One of the gifts of maturity is that you are more willing to take stock of your life and accept that only the deserving get to be a part of it. Takers are not deserving. If you stop giving, they will find somebody else to fill that need. They may become irritable with you at first -- so what! You can say that the help desk is closed. You don’t have time or inclination to tend to them anymore.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a co-worker who has serious B.O. I know he showers and takes care of himself, even though he doesn’t smell like it. We were on a business trip recently and had to stay in the same house. I witnessed him take long showers each day, and still he reeked of his awful musky scent after a few hours. I find it close to intolerable to work with him. His body odor makes me want to throw up. How do you even address something like that? I can’t accuse him of not bathing because he does. I guess it must be something he eats or just who he is, but the stench is making me crazy. What can I do? -- Ready To Puke

DEAR READY TO PUKE: This is a tough one. Our bodies do have their own individual smells, depending on so many factors, chief among them being what we put into them. Your friend’s strong scent likely is related to what he consumes. Whatever the reason, there is nothing you can do about it, at least as far as getting him to do something.

I spoke to an aesthetician who told me she often puts a dab of lavender under her nose when she is working closely with clients to mask their scents. You may want to consider such a solution. If you are able to light a candle or have air freshener in your shared space, that may help, as well. If you actively use it all the time, it won’t be obvious to him that you use it when he is around.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've had this one friend since college who I’ve always had a thing for. I used to think he was really sweet, but he's changed a lot over the years. He was a bit of a nerdy guy back then, but now that he's a very successful well-known artist, it seems like he has an air of cockiness about him. He often tells me about how many women are interested in him and how he’s too good for most of them.

We went on a few dates and the chemistry is there, but I'm not sure if it would be worth it to pursue anything with him -- he's so different from the way he was before. He has told me that he really likes me and wants a relationship with me, but I am hesitant because of how much he has changed. Should I give him a chance? -- Having Doubts

DEAR HAVING DOUBTS: Stay in the present and see what happens. This guy sounds like he may still have that vulnerable shy guy lying dormant inside. His cockiness may be a mask for insecurity. Time will show you who he is. Go out with him. Be in the moment and enjoy the experience. Do your best not to compare him to the nerdy guy of yesteryear. Pay attention to the man in front of you. See if you enjoy your conversation and camaraderie. Spend time with him without committing to anything at first. Tell him you want to take it slowly to see if you are compatible. By the way, a man who brags a lot about how many women are interested in him is probably exaggerating. Look past the bravado to see who this guy really is. The guy you liked years ago may be right there sitting in front of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)