Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been making the same dumb mistakes in relationships since I was a young woman. Now I am in my 30s, and it’s getting old. I just can’t seem to pick someone who will treat me right. It’s not for lack of trying, either. I have cast my net pretty wide, but somehow I always seem to end up with someone who doesn’t want what I want. What can I do differently? -- Want a Man

DEAR WANT A MAN: If you have been doing the same thing time and again, it’s time to do something different. How can you figure out what to do? Start by making a written list of the character traits, goals and behaviors that you want in a partner. Be specific about everything, including fidelity, hygiene, family engagement, job or career path, credit score, home ownership, debt, desire for children and anything else that comes to mind.

Think about yourself, too. What are your interests? What makes you happy? What frustrates you? What has worked in relationships in the past? What has not? What behaviors have been dealbreakers? What has made you smile? Again, be specific. Think of examples of moments that have made you feel good and those that have turned your stomach. Decide what you want. Then fix your focus on meeting someone who matches many of your criteria. Don’t compromise even if you have to be alone for a while.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I said something rude to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and I feel bad that I haven’t called her since. She is elderly and has a poor memory. Part of me thinks if I call and act like everything is normal, she will be none the wiser. Another part of me feels like I should apologize to her for saying something inappropriate that may have hurt her feelings. I would feel bad, though, if I made her remember something she has totally forgotten. How should I proceed? -- Avoiding Mom

DEAR AVOIDING MOM: First of all, avoiding your mother for weeks after you messed up is immature and inappropriate. Especially since you may have hurt her feelings, you should have reached out the next day to apologize and move on.

Chances are, if your mother has severe memory loss, she may not recall the incident. You are right in not wanting to upset her by recalling the situation. Instead, call her now. You can let her know you are sorry that you haven’t spoken in a while. Ask her how she is doing. Find out how she feels and what’s on her mind. Listen to her and learn about her state of being. Then call her again the next day and the next. Commit to not being rude to your mother in the future. If the issue of what you said ever comes up, apologize immediately and let her say whatever she wants about how she feels.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: I want to wish you the happiest of holidays as we enjoy this special season. Whatever your spiritual practice, this is the time that family and friends gather and share love, great food, gifts and connections. It is a time that many of us look forward to for months. We carve out space for being together. And this year is especially important because many of us did not get together over the past two years due to the pandemic. We missed the heartfelt hugs, the hot cider, the plates piled high with once-a-year treats, the floor scattered with wrapping paper and discarded boxes.

Isn’t it fascinating how much more valuable we find moments to be when we have missed them? Every year since I moved away to go to college when I was 19, I have gone back home to Baltimore for Christmas. Even after I had my own family, my steps have always led me home. And the blessings are bountiful once I get there. My mother, who shines in her bright red lipstick and matching red sweater, is 93 years old and still sharing her joy and exuberance with all of us. And now she has a 2-year-old great-granddaughter who reminds us that the legacy of family lives on. When we gather with my sister and her family and various cousins and friends, we relish the fact that we can be together.

What about you? What are your rituals? Are there special dishes that you prepare? Decorations that you put up? Calls that you make to connect with people who didn’t make the trip? What do you do during this season to access joy?

And what do you do to balance out any challenges that may arise? I ask that because negativity can be as plentiful as joy when loved ones get together. And I do not want you to find yourself stuck in a negative swirl that takes you back to your childhood. Resist going there. Instead, make the conscious decision to see through a joyful lens as you look out at your family and inward at your own life. Whatever is going on -- and right now people are going through a lot -- don’t allow circumstances to drown out your joy.

Please know that how you react to the moment is what you have control over. So make the most of it. When you sense old feelings of insecurity, fear, frustration or even guilt bubbling up, take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to reset. Remind yourself that you are not a child. You have the capability to look at a situation differently than you may have when you were young. You have the wherewithal to navigate anything that happens. You can be fully present and stay positive, even if someone starts pushing your buttons. You can focus on the positive things that are surrounding you and refuse to fixate on the one challenge that is standing in your path. It is possible. Take a walk. Go in the bathroom and splash water on your face. Then go back out there and be your best self. Give people a chance to be themselves as you do the same for yourself. Choose to have fun. Allow the blessings of the season to support you!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have lots of vacation time left that I cannot roll over. I only realized it the other day, and it’s already almost the end of the year. I asked my boss if I can take time off right now, and she said it’s the worst possible time because other people are already out of the office. Should I try to get her to roll over the time to early next year anyway? It’s not fair that I lose my time. I wasn’t negligent; we have been working double time recently because the workload has increased dramatically. I suppose it is my fault, but I’m not getting a raise this year. I want to at least get the time that I deserve. -- Time Off

DEAR TIME OFF: Even though you have been busy doing your job, it is also your responsibility to request time off in a timely manner. Your company policy may be ironclad, but it is worth appealing to your boss’s sensitivities. Request a meeting and plead your case. You really are sorry that you did not ask for the time off earlier. Point out what you have been doing and that time has slipped by. Ask if there is any way for you to take some days off in January or February. What you don’t want to do is take the time without approval. Times are tough now, and companies appreciate team members who are all in. Hopefully your commitment will inspire them to support you.

If you are seething inside about not getting those days that you earned this year, make a plan for next year so that you don’t find yourself in this situation again. You can put reminders on your calendar for when to request time off. This is your responsibility, not your boss’s.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a poet and a college student. I was thinking of giving my family and friends poetry written specifically for them for Christmas. That may sound corny, but I think it’s better than nothing, or some cheap thing that I might be able to buy for them. I don’t have disposable income, so I really can’t do much in terms of purchased gifts. My plan is to put the poem on fancy paper in a frame to make it nice. And, as I said, each person would get their own poem. What do you think about that? -- Poetry

DEAR POETRY: Your creative idea for gifting poetry to your loved ones is sweet. If you do take the time and package the poems beautifully, your gift recipients should be happy. The more personal and positive you make the poetry and overall presentation, the more likely they will be touched by your thoughtfulness and the time you took to honor them. For anyone who responds in a snide or rude way, ignore them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)