Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend invited me to go on a trip with him next month. I spent most of my extra money on holiday gifts and travel. I cannot afford to spend extra money on a trip before I recoup some of my expenditures from Christmas. How do I tell him this without making him think I’m asking him to pay my way or making myself look poor? I’m not poor. I just wasn’t planning on traveling for a while. -- Taking a Trip

DEAR TAKING A TRIP: Talk to your boyfriend about this. Tell him how you planned out your end of year and that you do not have any extra money to take another trip in the first quarter of 2023. Make it clear that you would love to travel with him. Ask him if you can delay the trip until you are financially ready. If he says he is happy to pay for it, make it clear that you do not have any disposable dollars to add to the vacation. Tell him you would feel more comfortable if you could contribute to the excursion. If he insists, reinforce the point that he will have to foot the entire bill.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that the man I have been pining over for years is a lowdown dirty dog. I guess I knew it already, but I always dreamed that he would become honest and true with me whenever he realized I was his real woman. I know that sounds crazy, but I mean it. Anyhow, I just talked to a woman he was recently in a relationship with, and what she told me turned my stomach. This dude was so rude to her that it was crazy. Instead of acting like a grown man, he behaved worse than a teenager when faced with a conflict in his relationship. This isn’t the first time that I have heard of his silly behavior. I have always overlooked it because I have had feelings for him forever. I can’t help but see what this woman just told me. I want to confront him to ask why he would do such a thing, but it isn’t my business. He did introduce me to her. He always introduces me to his women. Do you think I should say something, or should I walk away, for real this time? -- Not My Man

DEAR NOT MY MAN: How many more examples of bad behavior do you need to learn about this man before you give up? The best thing he may have done for you is not become intimately involved with you. If he consistently treats the women he dates with disrespect, you should count yourself lucky that he has spared you. That does not mean, however, that you are immune to his ways. Let’s hope that he respects you enough not to subject you to his worst self. Instead of waiting for the moment when he proves your suspicions, yes, just walk away. You don’t need more examples of his inappropriateness. Leave now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been making the same dumb mistakes in relationships since I was a young woman. Now I am in my 30s, and it’s getting old. I just can’t seem to pick someone who will treat me right. It’s not for lack of trying, either. I have cast my net pretty wide, but somehow I always seem to end up with someone who doesn’t want what I want. What can I do differently? -- Want a Man

DEAR WANT A MAN: If you have been doing the same thing time and again, it’s time to do something different. How can you figure out what to do? Start by making a written list of the character traits, goals and behaviors that you want in a partner. Be specific about everything, including fidelity, hygiene, family engagement, job or career path, credit score, home ownership, debt, desire for children and anything else that comes to mind.

Think about yourself, too. What are your interests? What makes you happy? What frustrates you? What has worked in relationships in the past? What has not? What behaviors have been dealbreakers? What has made you smile? Again, be specific. Think of examples of moments that have made you feel good and those that have turned your stomach. Decide what you want. Then fix your focus on meeting someone who matches many of your criteria. Don’t compromise even if you have to be alone for a while.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I said something rude to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and I feel bad that I haven’t called her since. She is elderly and has a poor memory. Part of me thinks if I call and act like everything is normal, she will be none the wiser. Another part of me feels like I should apologize to her for saying something inappropriate that may have hurt her feelings. I would feel bad, though, if I made her remember something she has totally forgotten. How should I proceed? -- Avoiding Mom

DEAR AVOIDING MOM: First of all, avoiding your mother for weeks after you messed up is immature and inappropriate. Especially since you may have hurt her feelings, you should have reached out the next day to apologize and move on.

Chances are, if your mother has severe memory loss, she may not recall the incident. You are right in not wanting to upset her by recalling the situation. Instead, call her now. You can let her know you are sorry that you haven’t spoken in a while. Ask her how she is doing. Find out how she feels and what’s on her mind. Listen to her and learn about her state of being. Then call her again the next day and the next. Commit to not being rude to your mother in the future. If the issue of what you said ever comes up, apologize immediately and let her say whatever she wants about how she feels.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: I want to wish you the happiest of holidays as we enjoy this special season. Whatever your spiritual practice, this is the time that family and friends gather and share love, great food, gifts and connections. It is a time that many of us look forward to for months. We carve out space for being together. And this year is especially important because many of us did not get together over the past two years due to the pandemic. We missed the heartfelt hugs, the hot cider, the plates piled high with once-a-year treats, the floor scattered with wrapping paper and discarded boxes.

Isn’t it fascinating how much more valuable we find moments to be when we have missed them? Every year since I moved away to go to college when I was 19, I have gone back home to Baltimore for Christmas. Even after I had my own family, my steps have always led me home. And the blessings are bountiful once I get there. My mother, who shines in her bright red lipstick and matching red sweater, is 93 years old and still sharing her joy and exuberance with all of us. And now she has a 2-year-old great-granddaughter who reminds us that the legacy of family lives on. When we gather with my sister and her family and various cousins and friends, we relish the fact that we can be together.

What about you? What are your rituals? Are there special dishes that you prepare? Decorations that you put up? Calls that you make to connect with people who didn’t make the trip? What do you do during this season to access joy?

And what do you do to balance out any challenges that may arise? I ask that because negativity can be as plentiful as joy when loved ones get together. And I do not want you to find yourself stuck in a negative swirl that takes you back to your childhood. Resist going there. Instead, make the conscious decision to see through a joyful lens as you look out at your family and inward at your own life. Whatever is going on -- and right now people are going through a lot -- don’t allow circumstances to drown out your joy.

Please know that how you react to the moment is what you have control over. So make the most of it. When you sense old feelings of insecurity, fear, frustration or even guilt bubbling up, take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to reset. Remind yourself that you are not a child. You have the capability to look at a situation differently than you may have when you were young. You have the wherewithal to navigate anything that happens. You can be fully present and stay positive, even if someone starts pushing your buttons. You can focus on the positive things that are surrounding you and refuse to fixate on the one challenge that is standing in your path. It is possible. Take a walk. Go in the bathroom and splash water on your face. Then go back out there and be your best self. Give people a chance to be themselves as you do the same for yourself. Choose to have fun. Allow the blessings of the season to support you!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)