Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend came by to visit me the other day, and the whole time she was coughing. It was strange, given how hyper-vigilant everybody got about wearing masks during the height of the COVID epidemic. When I looked at her funny after she kept on coughing, she assured me that she doesn’t have COVID. To me, that doesn’t mean that you should continue to cough all over people.

After a bit, I made up an excuse that I had work to do, and we cut her visit short. Again, she had come over uninvited just to visit with us for a while. Normally I wouldn’t care about that, but I worry that she filled my house with her germs. Whatever she has, I don’t want it. Should I have been even more direct with her about her illness? Would it have been OK for me to ask her to leave sooner? -- Sick

DEAR SICK: Your friend exhibited extremely poor judgment in coming into your home while unwell. She knew she didn’t feel well. Actively coughing means that she was spreading her germs in your house. That was rude and inconsiderate of her. It’s interesting that in the age of COVID-19, all of the other illnesses that plague people seem to have taken a backseat to that one, and many people aren’t paying attention to anything else. That’s not smart.

As awkward as it might feel, you absolutely have the right to ask someone to leave your home if you believe they are sick. When you first noticed the repeated coughing of your friend, you could have said to her that you see that she is not well and asked her to come back another time to visit with you when she is feeling better. You could have told her that you are concerned about keeping everyone in your home healthy, yourself included, so you have to ask her to leave. That’s not rude, by the way. That’s self-preservation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I changed my hairstyle in the past few months. So far, I have been getting plenty of compliments about it. I ran into a woman I have known for some time, and after chatting for a bit, she asked me when I had made the change. I told her my story, which was that it was one way I had managed during COVID. I like my new style, but now I’m not sure where she stands. She never gave an opinion. She only asked after seeing me and talking to me for a couple of hours. I’m feeling a little funny about that. Should I ask her opinion? -- New Do

DEAR NEW DO: No. You like your hairstyle, and that should be enough. Since it is substantially different from before, it makes sense that she noticed the change. Don’t take her vagueness as anything important. Her opinion doesn’t matter either way. It’s your hair, and you get to do what you want with it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been a diversity, equity and inclusion coach for about six years now, and it's been a great experience -- I love working with professionals of all ages and helping them learn, grow and educate themselves. In 2020 I realized that the demand for DE&I coaches was much higher than it had ever been before.

In 2022, however, the interest in that field has dropped off so much that I'm finding it hard to get booked for coaching. It's as if my work is no longer relevant to larger companies. Is it because DE&I coaching has become less effective? Or could the demand for my work have just completely disappeared? What advice can you offer a DE&I coach who isn’t booking nearly as many jobs today as I was two years ago? -- Struggling Coach

DEAR STRUGGLING COACH: There was a groundswell of interest in diversity, equity and inclusion after the murder of George Floyd and the subsequent commitment of corporate America, in particular, to educate its workers about how to be more sensitive and inclusive. Many factors played into that moment, including the fact that most people were isolated during the period of quarantine, and companies needed to find ways to engage their teams and show them that they truly cared. People who had never even done DE&I work were hired to help open the eyes of people about how to treat each other.

Now, that wave has subsided. Companies are figuring out how to manage a hybrid workplace, remain profitable and move forward in an ever-changing work environment. Attrition is at an all-time high, and companies are focused on how to curb that far more than how they are treating people who are different from each other. To survive and thrive, you need to pitch yourself and your services as essential to the future. Position your work as vital to the health of the working world given how diverse the workforce is becoming. Get creative in your pitching and be sure to point out how long you have worked in this field. Your longevity should be appealing, as it proves you didn’t just jump in like so many others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend called and asked me if her daughter could come to stay with me for a few months because she wants to see if she can make it in my city. These people are very nice, and I want to help, but right now my husband and I are going through what is likely going to be a divorce. We are in the throes of figuring out our lives, and it isn’t pretty. We haven’t talked to anybody about it, but it is happening. Our son just moved out, and we are finally dealing with our issues. How do I say no to my friend and give her a reason without revealing what’s going on in my personal life? -- Bad Timing

DEAR BAD TIMING: You can say no without a long explanation. Tell her that this is the worst possible time for you. You are going through some personal challenges, and you cannot welcome her daughter at this time. Apologize for not being able to accommodate her, but keep your answer as no. Later, after the dust settles, you can reveal the details.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend recently started doing stand-up comedy. He is usually hilarious, but I found his on-stage act more offensive and played-out than funny. We are both Indian, and the jokes he made were centered around poking fun at our culture. My friend and I have spoken in the past about how annoying it is when comedians mock their parents' accents and make tacky jokes about being children of immigrants. The audience was probably 90% white, and they all found the jokes hysterical, but I feel like my friend was selling out. If you can’t make jokes without offending people, maybe comedy isn’t your calling. Would I be wrong to approach him about his material? Am I being too sensitive? -- Bad Jokes

DEAR BAD JOKES: I remember when Dave Chappelle walked away from millions of dollars because he realized making fun of his own people was too high a price. Your friend has to figure out how much is too much. You can help him by sharing your honest opinion. Remind him of his previous thoughts about jokes pertaining to your culture. Tell him exactly what bothers you and why. Let him come to his own conclusion. In the end, it is up to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is shorter than me. We always knew this and laughed about it at first. Recently, we have been going to dress-up events, and I have worn heels. Nothing too high, like 1 1/2 inches or so. The thing is that he is already an inch or so shorter than me, so my heels make a difference. I used to wear 3- or 4-inch heels. I feel like this is already a huge compromise, but he is still unhappy. No matter what I do, I will never be shorter than him. How can I deal with this? I do not have a complex about height. I do not want to have to wear flats for the rest of my life, either. What can I do? -- Middle Ground

DEAR MIDDLE GROUND: You never know what the deal-breakers are in relationships. This is your chance to find out. Remind your boyfriend that you are taller than he is. Uncomfortable for him? Yes. But real. Tell him you don’t care about the height difference, but you do care about how you dress. Tell him that you want to be able to dress your best, which means wearing dresses and heels sometimes. If he truly cannot handle you putting on heels that emphasize the height difference, you have a problem. You simply are taller than he is. You need to talk about this, let him know what makes you feel good, including occasionally wearing heels. Express your concern about him being uncomfortable with the shoes your wear. Tell him this is a deal-breaker, considering that in stocking feet you are taller than he is, anyway. His reaction will let you know if there is a future to consider or if the dance is done.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)