Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a falling-out with my sister a few months ago. She can be very immature and avoidant when she knows she is in the wrong, so she has not spoken to me at all since we had our argument. I'm starting to worry that our falling-out will have a negative effect on my relationship with her daughter, my 7-year-old niece. This is really my main concern. I am sure that my sister is asking that she not engage with me. I miss spending time with my niece, and I want her to know that our relationship should not be impacted by the petty issues that her mother and I have. How can I make sure that my relationship with my niece will not suffer because of her mother? -- Falling-Out

DEAR FALLING-OUT: You have to look at the big picture, which includes you. Your argument with your sister is not just on her. Something happened between the two of you, and you need to accept some responsibility for whatever that is. It only makes sense that your sister would not want her child to spend time with you if she herself doesn’t want to. You are going to have to work things out with your sister if you expect that you will be able to continue to spend time with her daughter. Don’t put this completely on your sister. The two of you have to work this out together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend works a lot. I realize that when he is working, he hardly ever contacts me. I know he can’t talk while he’s actually on the job, but I do expect to hear from him at night. For the past few weeks, I have hardly heard from him at all. When we have talked, he has kind of blown me off. He has little to say. When I press him about it, he says he is tired and doesn’t like me badgering him. I don’t think he’s messing around. He has been working double shifts sometimes. How can I get him to understand my needs without seeming like the nagging girlfriend? -- No More Nagging

DEAR NO MORE NAGGING: When the two of you are together and can talk face-to-face, let him know that this period has been frustrating to you. Point out that you want to be supportive of his schedule, but you also have needs. Describe the kind of attention that makes you happy. Ask him if he is willing to commit to being more engaged even when he is busy.

You two will need to reach a compromise that you both can manage. This will include you being more understanding when he truly has no time to be in touch and him figuring out little ways that he can communicate with you so you feel connected to him. If you present this to him as something you both can work on, you stand a better chance of finding success. This is not anybody’s fault. Consider it an opportunity for you to discover ways to take care of each other given this tough situation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend came by to visit me the other day, and the whole time she was coughing. It was strange, given how hyper-vigilant everybody got about wearing masks during the height of the COVID epidemic. When I looked at her funny after she kept on coughing, she assured me that she doesn’t have COVID. To me, that doesn’t mean that you should continue to cough all over people.

After a bit, I made up an excuse that I had work to do, and we cut her visit short. Again, she had come over uninvited just to visit with us for a while. Normally I wouldn’t care about that, but I worry that she filled my house with her germs. Whatever she has, I don’t want it. Should I have been even more direct with her about her illness? Would it have been OK for me to ask her to leave sooner? -- Sick

DEAR SICK: Your friend exhibited extremely poor judgment in coming into your home while unwell. She knew she didn’t feel well. Actively coughing means that she was spreading her germs in your house. That was rude and inconsiderate of her. It’s interesting that in the age of COVID-19, all of the other illnesses that plague people seem to have taken a backseat to that one, and many people aren’t paying attention to anything else. That’s not smart.

As awkward as it might feel, you absolutely have the right to ask someone to leave your home if you believe they are sick. When you first noticed the repeated coughing of your friend, you could have said to her that you see that she is not well and asked her to come back another time to visit with you when she is feeling better. You could have told her that you are concerned about keeping everyone in your home healthy, yourself included, so you have to ask her to leave. That’s not rude, by the way. That’s self-preservation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I changed my hairstyle in the past few months. So far, I have been getting plenty of compliments about it. I ran into a woman I have known for some time, and after chatting for a bit, she asked me when I had made the change. I told her my story, which was that it was one way I had managed during COVID. I like my new style, but now I’m not sure where she stands. She never gave an opinion. She only asked after seeing me and talking to me for a couple of hours. I’m feeling a little funny about that. Should I ask her opinion? -- New Do

DEAR NEW DO: No. You like your hairstyle, and that should be enough. Since it is substantially different from before, it makes sense that she noticed the change. Don’t take her vagueness as anything important. Her opinion doesn’t matter either way. It’s your hair, and you get to do what you want with it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been a diversity, equity and inclusion coach for about six years now, and it's been a great experience -- I love working with professionals of all ages and helping them learn, grow and educate themselves. In 2020 I realized that the demand for DE&I coaches was much higher than it had ever been before.

In 2022, however, the interest in that field has dropped off so much that I'm finding it hard to get booked for coaching. It's as if my work is no longer relevant to larger companies. Is it because DE&I coaching has become less effective? Or could the demand for my work have just completely disappeared? What advice can you offer a DE&I coach who isn’t booking nearly as many jobs today as I was two years ago? -- Struggling Coach

DEAR STRUGGLING COACH: There was a groundswell of interest in diversity, equity and inclusion after the murder of George Floyd and the subsequent commitment of corporate America, in particular, to educate its workers about how to be more sensitive and inclusive. Many factors played into that moment, including the fact that most people were isolated during the period of quarantine, and companies needed to find ways to engage their teams and show them that they truly cared. People who had never even done DE&I work were hired to help open the eyes of people about how to treat each other.

Now, that wave has subsided. Companies are figuring out how to manage a hybrid workplace, remain profitable and move forward in an ever-changing work environment. Attrition is at an all-time high, and companies are focused on how to curb that far more than how they are treating people who are different from each other. To survive and thrive, you need to pitch yourself and your services as essential to the future. Position your work as vital to the health of the working world given how diverse the workforce is becoming. Get creative in your pitching and be sure to point out how long you have worked in this field. Your longevity should be appealing, as it proves you didn’t just jump in like so many others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend called and asked me if her daughter could come to stay with me for a few months because she wants to see if she can make it in my city. These people are very nice, and I want to help, but right now my husband and I are going through what is likely going to be a divorce. We are in the throes of figuring out our lives, and it isn’t pretty. We haven’t talked to anybody about it, but it is happening. Our son just moved out, and we are finally dealing with our issues. How do I say no to my friend and give her a reason without revealing what’s going on in my personal life? -- Bad Timing

DEAR BAD TIMING: You can say no without a long explanation. Tell her that this is the worst possible time for you. You are going through some personal challenges, and you cannot welcome her daughter at this time. Apologize for not being able to accommodate her, but keep your answer as no. Later, after the dust settles, you can reveal the details.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)