Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently found myself in a bit of a predicament that I hope you can help me navigate. I was assigned to a group project at school, and as the deadline loomed closer, it became apparent that not everyone in the group was contributing equally. In fact, I ended up taking on the majority of the workload. While I understand that group dynamics can be challenging, I'm concerned about how this might impact my overall workload at school, my stress levels and, ultimately, the success of the project.

I want to address this issue constructively without creating tension within the team. How can I communicate my concerns to my teammates and ensure a more equitable distribution of responsibilities in the future? -- Off Balance

DEAR OFF BALANCE: Welcome to the world of group dynamics. I had the same thing happen when I was in college. My best friend was in a group with me and didn’t do her part at all. I had to do hers and mine and step in with other group members. I was mad, but I did it. And guess what? That wasn’t the last time that I had to pull others’ weight in a group situation. Is it fair? No. Is it real? Yes.

Know that you will find yourself in this situation again. You should work to build rapport with your team members and cheerlead to the best of your ability to keep folks inspired to get the work done. Consider it a political challenge, and try to ignite passion in your team to work hard to get the job done. If you can inspire friendly competition, that may help, but be prepared to jump in and get stuff done if somebody drops the ball.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend frequently seeks fashion advice from me, but our styles are polar opposites. While I appreciate her Plain Jane fashion sense, it's drastically different from my own. I worry that my feedback might not be helpful as my taste tends to be bolder and more eclectic. I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I often opt for a neutral response, saying her outfits look “fine,” though they're not something I'd personally wear. Should I encourage her to explore a more daring style, or am I doing her a disservice by not being more candid? I respect fashion as a personal expression, but I'm unsure what to say without hurting her feelings. -- No Fashion Sense

DEAR NO FASHION SENSE: The fact that your friend is asking you for fashion advice means she must be looking for input. She also seems to respect your opinion, perhaps because you have a clear fashion sense. Respond to her by saying you think it’s great that she is exploring new fashion ideas, but you don't know if you are the right person to guide her. Your style is completely different from hers; therefore, your suggestions will reflect your taste, not hers. Admit that you are not certain about how to give fashion advice to someone whose style differs so much from yours. She may want to go to a department store where there are free stylists who help clients pick out clothes. You should not volunteer to fulfill a role that will not likely work.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've received an invitation to stay at a friend's house over the holidays, but I feel uncomfortable about the living conditions. Their place tends to be messy, and I'm unsure how to handle this situation without offending them. I value our friendship, but I'm hesitant about staying in an environment that makes me uneasy. How can I navigate this situation tactfully while expressing my concerns? -- Uninhabitable

DEAR UNINHABITABLE: “No” is a complete sentence. Remember that. You have no obligation to stay at anyone’s home if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to explain why. You can simply thank them for the invitation and decline. If you decide to visit your friend’s town and stay with someone else, that’s fine, too. Or you may choose to stay in a hotel. As an adult, you have the right to park your body wherever you choose without feeling guilty.

I know people who never stay at friends’ homes because they want autonomy. Their response is that they always stay in a hotel, but they visit often. You don’t have to explain yourself. Just be responsible for putting yourself somewhere that's comfortable for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for a nonprofit organization that fights against hunger. I'm deeply passionate about my job, and I truly believe in the mission we're working toward. I am also very good at what I do, which is fundraising for the company. However, my boss has been making it increasingly difficult for me to balance my dedication to the cause with taking necessary time off. I've noticed that my boss is hard on me and often tries to make me feel guilty whenever I request time off, even if it's for legitimate reasons.

The nature of our work can be demanding, but I believe in the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. How can I communicate my need for time off without feeling guilty, and how can I address this dynamic with my boss without jeopardizing my position or commitment to the organization? -- Need Time Off

DEAR NEED TIME OFF: Sit down with your boss to talk about the job and your commitment to the work. Be prepared to point out what you have accomplished this year, with specific examples of your contributions. Next, point out that you need regular recharging in order to bring your A-game to this important work. Ask him to help you to continue to do a great job by respecting your need for earned time off. Invite him to be supportive the next time you make that request.

If he balks and tells you that is not how he was trained to do the work or he says he is grooming you to become the leader of the organization or anything else that would suggest that you should not ask for time off, thank him for his approach and his recognition of your value. Add that the best support he can give is by approving what you need the most -- the ability to have a personal life and a professional life. Tell him you need this in order to go the distance with enthusiasm and commitment.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a reformed shopaholic, and I've made huge strides this year to curb my endless spending tendencies. I have even been able to save a significant amount of money. But as we get deeper into the holiday season, I'm facing a dilemma. Gift-giving is huge in my family, and I tend to splurge during the holidays.

I haven't begun shopping yet because once I start swiping my card, it's hard to stop. I'm torn between keeping up my savings progress and continuing the tradition of being a thoughtful gift-giver. Any tips on finding a happy middle ground? -- Afraid To Start

DEAR AFRAID TO START: Consider giving your family members things that do not require you to go into a store or onto a website. Let your loved ones know that you are mixing it up and doing the holidays differently. Limit your giving to something you can “shop” for in your own closet. Give a gift certificate that offers time with you doing something meaningful -- taking a walk together when the weather gets warm, enjoying a home-cooked meal together, going to an art opening, etc. Give stocks. Talk to your financial adviser and get a recommendation for a financial gift that can be modest in price but a great incentive to inspire your special people to invest in their future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently facing a challenging situation with my roommate. She has a habit of imitating everything I do, which is not only irritating but also seems to escalate into arguments over trivial matters, especially when we have company around. I've noticed she thrives on debates in front of our friends, making our social gatherings uncomfortable.

As the new year approaches, I'm eager to create some distance between us without severing our friendship entirely. How can I delicately navigate this situation to establish some healthy boundaries without causing unnecessary conflict or completely ending our friendship? -- Need My Space

DEAR NEED MY SPACE: Sounds like your roommate is jealous and craving attention. She may not realize how she’s behaving: You create an audience for her, and her knee-jerk response is to perform. In order to break the cycle, you have to get her to see what she is doing.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Point out that sometimes her behavior makes you uneasy. Give her a couple of examples so she can understand what you mean. Explain to her that you have become uncomfortable hosting people in your own home because you never know how she is going to behave. Ask her if she is willing to agree to curb her behavior if you two develop a cue that lets her know she has gone too far -- a safe word or something like that. Or tell her that sometimes you want to have guests over at times when she cannot participate in the festivities. You can have your gatherings, and she can have hers -- as long as you two coordinate in advance.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)