Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently returned to the United States after studying abroad, and I have a whirlwind of emotions following my departure from the city that became my temporary home. I am sad to leave the friends I made from all over the world, and I’m also leaving behind a guy I connected with.

During my time abroad, I met an incredible guy who not only showed me around the city, but also made me feel understood in a way I hadn't experienced before. He was kind, had a stable job and went above and beyond to ensure I felt welcomed and included in his world. Our connection felt genuine and deep, and saying goodbye before boarding my flight back to the U.S. was sad for both of us. We weren’t ever an official couple, so I know that our communication is going to be limited. I feel sad because I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who can live up to the expectations that I have in a partner like he did. Is there a way to preserve the connection we shared, or should I focus on moving forward and cherishing the memories we created together? -- Missing Him

DEAR MISSING HIM: Does that relationship have to be over? Before you shut that door, tell him how you feel. Express your sadness due to your separation. Tell him how special you felt your connection was. Explore whether there is a relationship worth maintaining. Some people do have successful long-distance relationships, so it is possible.

If the distance won’t allow for an ongoing romantic connection, can you two figure out how to stay close as friends? Talk to each other honestly and work it out. You shouldn’t have to cast him aside completely. Instead, determine how you can remain in each other’s lives moving forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m writing to “Welcoming Three,” the reader who is pregnant with triplets. After seeing your letter in the newspaper, I felt like I should reach out and share a little advice as the mother of 31-year-old triplet sons. During my pregnancy, I worried a lot about whether they would be born too early, be healthy and all of the usual fears of a first-time mother. One of the best decisions that I made was to pay attention only to people who had had good outcomes. There are many folks who want to share their experiences, good and bad, which heightened my own fears.

Contact Multiples of America (multiplesofamerica.org), a group that offers information and support to families both before and after the birth of multiples. Honor this time to let your babies grow and develop by eating well, resting often and being the best incubator that you can be. Accept help offered by family and friends, but build in time for yourself.

It is a wonderful -- but not always easy -- adventure to be blessed with three. I used to tell myself that since I’d never had one before, I’d never know how much more difficult three would be. Wishing you and your partner much happiness through this process. -- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing your experiences.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I'm drowning in my empty home. My kids have all grown up and moved out, leaving a quiet house behind. My husband seems to be married to his work and spends more time at the office than at home. With everyone gone, all I have left is our puppy. I adore our furry friend, but obviously, he doesn’t speak the same language as me.

I understand the demands of my husband's career, and I've been a supportive wife for 25 years. Lately, though, it feels like our relationship has taken a back seat to his work commitments, even though he has built a strong status at work and doesn’t need to stay as late anymore. We don’t have to support our three kids anymore, so he should be thinking about retiring soon, but instead, he’s taken on more hours. The occasional dinners together and rushed conversations in passing hardly seem enough to sustain the connection we once shared. How do I cope with this loneliness and reconnect with my husband, who seems more interested in his career than in our relationship? -- Empty Nest

DEAR EMPTY NEST: Now that your children are out of the house, you two need to redefine your relationship. Yes, you need to talk about it. Prepare a special meal, and invite your husband to join you. Let him know you want to talk. Then tell him you want to spend more time with him. Your lives are different now without a houseful of children and family responsibilities. Ask him to envision this new life with you. What would he like to do now that you have more time? Suggest that he consider retirement. Encourage him to have weekly dates with you where you do something together. Plan a vacation. Socialize with friends. Ask him to make an effort with you because you are lonely and you need him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 28-year-old uncle is currently living with us, and I want him to move out. My father's younger brother was laid off from his job due to alcohol abuse. He would typically work for a week, and once he received his weekly wage, he would spend all that money on drinking and miss days of work until his funds ran out. This cycle continued, and he was eventually terminated. Due to his record, it has been challenging for him to secure another job, and he pleaded with my dad to let him stay with us for a few weeks. It has been five months, and all he does is drink. I am a college student working part-time to help lessen the burden on my family. I find his behavior extremely frustrating. I want to ask him to leave, but my father wants to support him, leaving me uncertain about what steps to take. -- Slob Uncle

DEAR SLOB UNCLE: Your uncle is sick, and he needs help. If you look at him as a sick man, it may help you to have some compassion for him. Since you cannot impact whether he stays or goes, your ability to have empathy for him may help you to endure his presence. Keep your distance. Do your schoolwork, and continue to support your family in whatever ways you can.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The tipping culture in the United States is puzzling to me as someone from Japan, where tipping is not customary. In Japan, tips can imply that the employer does not provide adequate wages.

After moving to New Orleans, I discovered that tipping was expected for various services, including food, transportation and even coffee. While this practice appears excessive, I still adhere to it. I seek insights into this custom and its significance in your culture. -- Is Tipping Necessary?

DEAR IS TIPPING NECESSARY?: What a great question. It got me researching the origins of tipping in America. The results are somewhat disturbing. You are right that the expectation of tips, especially in the restaurant industry, is so great that the wage for tipped employees in some states is significantly lower than minimum wage -- as little as $2.13 per hour. The belief has been that tips will balance out what a restaurant server will make, thereby bringing it back to the state’s general minimum wage. That means when servers or others in the restaurant industry do not receive tips, their overall wages for that day may be extremely low.

For the customer in America today, the most common tip amount is 15% to 20%. To give less than that is considered rude or a sign that you felt the service was not acceptable. This goes for everything from food service to car services, hairdressers and other service providers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wealthy sister is questioning my parenting style, leaving me frustrated. Just a year older than me, she married into money. While we had enough growing up, we wouldn't have considered ourselves rich.

During my sister's birthday, my daughter and husband met my extremely spoiled niece and nephew. I hate to judge children, but there's no other way to describe these kids. Yesterday we all went shopping. My sister kept offering to buy my daughter things, but I repeatedly refused. She made annoying remarks, insisting it didn’t matter because she could afford it and it’s necessary to give children everything they want. However, my priority is teaching my daughter financial responsibility, moderation and patience.

This situation has caused tension between my sister and me. I tried talking to her about it, but it seems my points are not getting across. I’m not sure what the next approach should be. -- Parenting Style

DEAR PARENTING STYLE: You can continue to teach your daughter what you value without disparaging your sister. It is obvious to you and your daughter that your sister and her family live differently than you do. I think you can allow your sister to give your daughter an extravagant gift without fear of your daughter becoming like your niece. Allowing your sister to do what she values for your daughter gives her a bit of comfort because it says you are letting her shower your daughter with her love. Right now, your sister feels like you are rejecting her.

Sit with your sister and make an agreement. She can give your daughter one special gift. For yourself, you have to accept your sister for who she is and stop judging her or her family as you continue to teach your daughter how you expect her to conduct herself in life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)