Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend recently proposed to me, and I said no -- not because I don’t want to marry him, but because of how he did it. He proposed at a baseball game in front of a huge crowd, and it felt completely wrong for me. I don’t even like sports, and he knows that.

I’ve always dreamed of a more intimate and meaningful proposal, something that reflects who we are as a couple. Instead, I felt caught off guard, uncomfortable and even a little embarrassed. I panicked and said no in the moment, but now I’m wondering if I overreacted. The thing is, this isn’t just about the proposal itself. It makes me question whether he truly understands me and what I value. If he had put thought into making it personal and special, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. Now I’m left feeling disappointed, and I don’t know if I should just move past it, have him try again or take this as a sign that we might not be as compatible as I thought. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Should I talk to him about redoing the proposal in a way that feels right for me, or is this a red flag about our future together? -- Proposal Gone Wrong

DEAR PROPOSAL GONE WRONG: Sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Apologize for reacting so strongly and negatively to his proposal. Explain that he caught you off guard. Then tell him specifically how you felt. Remind him that you don’t like sports, so you felt like his proposal did not take you or your feelings into consideration at all. This led you to wonder if he knows what you value. Tell him that you are open to marrying him, but now you are concerned whether you two are on the same page. Ask him to share his reasons for proposing in that way. Try not to be accusatory as you talk to him, or he might clam up and stop talking.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up with Christian parents and Christian friends at a Christian church. I believe in God and read my Bible from time to time, but I struggle to confidently call myself a Christian. Part of me feels like I don’t do enough, and I wonder if I’d be criticized by those who do more than me. Is it normal to feel so insecure about my own faith? -- Christian in Training

DEAR CHRISTIAN IN TRAINING: There will always be people who doubt who you are, how strong your faith is and what you do with your life. Do not concern yourself with those people. Instead, if you want to have a better understanding of your faith and your role in it, consider going to adult Bible school. You are never too old to study or to deepen your faith. Perhaps your church offers such a program. If not, look online. Your denomination may have specific courses, workshops or immersion activities that create opportunities to dive into your faith.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: All of my friends are into running, and lately they’ve been talking about training for a marathon together. They keep encouraging me to join them, saying it would be an amazing challenge, a great bonding experience and something I’d feel proud of accomplishing. The problem is that I hate running. I’ve never enjoyed it, and I have zero passion for it. The idea of training for months and running 26.2 miles sounds miserable, not exciting. At the same time, I feel like I’m missing out by not participating. I don’t want to be the odd one out while they’re all supporting each other and celebrating this huge milestone together. I worry that if I don’t at least try, I’ll feel left out or regret not being a part of something so important to them. I don’t want to force myself into doing something I hate just for the sake of fitting in. Should I push myself to try it anyway and see if I learn to love it? Or is it OK to say no and find other ways to connect with my friends without running a marathon? -- Peer Pressure

DEAR PEER PRESSURE: It is understandable that you worry about losing momentum and intimacy with your friends if you are the only one choosing not to participate in running. That’s OK. Relationship dynamics change over time, and it’s OK for you not to participate in something that doesn’t interest you.

There is also another alternative. With your limited interest in the sport but real interest in your friends, consider offering to document their process. Would you be willing to go to practice runs once a month -- or with some other frequency -- and take pictures of them on their run? Interview them periodically about their experiences? Offer other logistical support as they train? Be there on the day of the marathon to cheer them on and record their success? If so, this could be a lovely way to stay connected to them without having to do the thing you dislike.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months ago, my son was brutally attacked and robbed outside of a nightclub. He ended up having three surgeries and is still in physical therapy. Thankfully, he’s finally able to walk again, but having to take care of him and see him that way broke my heart. His 40th birthday is coming up, and he plans to have a party. I just can’t wrap my head around this. After a near-death experience, why would you want to go right back to partying? Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? -- Fearful Mom

DEAR FEARFUL MOM: As a mother and the one who nursed him back to where he is today, it makes sense that you would be worried about his next steps. What you don’t want is for your son to remain fearful and to back away from life. Having a party to celebrate his life can be a wonderful experience for him and all in attendance. Don’t discourage him.

At the same time, you can encourage him to make safe choices for his life. Whatever his role was in getting hurt -- like possibly not being sober -- he should examine so he doesn’t repeat those mistakes. He may want to take self-defense classes as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m getting out of prison soon, and I'm worried about what comes next. When I left home, things were a bit rocky with my family. Some people have stayed in touch, and others created distance, but I wonder if there is space for reconciliation. I am truly sorry for any difficulty I have caused my family. How can my family and I heal and move forward? -- Coming Home

DEAR COMING HOME: Take things one day at a time. Set yourself up for success by making sure that you have a place to live. If you have a parole officer or other representative of the law with whom you need to connect, get that sorted immediately. Next, be in touch with the family members who have been supportive. Thank them for being there for you, and tell them that you will appreciate it if they continue to have your back. You know it will be challenging to ease back into life outside, and you don’t want to feel alone.

For the other family members, reach out to each one and tell them that you intend to turn your life around. Pledge to show them by your actions that they can be proud of you. Then, do it. Rebuilding trust takes time. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think a friend of mine may have a food addiction. Over the years, I’ve noticed that she has an unhealthy attachment to food. If we’re at a dinner party, her plate is piled high, or she is stashing away a to-go plate or eating multiple servings throughout an event. I have tried to encourage her to have some self-control -- as have other friends and loved ones -- but it doesn’t work. The other day she continued to complain about needing food before going to a dinner party, and I couldn’t take it. I told her to drink some water and stop asking about food. That did not go over well. She told me that I was rude. I’m worried about her eating habits, but I don’t know how to get through to her. -- Overeater

DEAR OVEREATER: Follow up with your friend. Tell her that you did not intend to hurt her feelings when you talked to her about food, but you need to share some feedback with her. Get her to agree to listen before you proceed. If she is able to hear you, explain that you have noticed that she seems to have an unhealthy relationship with food, and you are worried about her. What you described sounds like she may eat as a security blanket.

A psychologist may be of help to her. Talking to a professional who understands human behavior, especially around food, may provide the support she needs to talk through what’s going on with her and address whatever issues she may have. Know that you can make this recommendation, but she has to believe it’s important and take action herself. If she does not, do your best not to judge her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)