Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and even though I know it was the right decision, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. We were together for a long time, and he was a big part of my daily life. Now that he’s gone, everything feels empty. I keep catching myself wanting to text him, wondering what he’s doing and replaying our memories in my head. Even when I try to distract myself with work, friends or hobbies, he still pops into my mind, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling of missing him. What makes it harder is that I go back and forth between emotions. Some days, I feel strong and remind myself why we broke up. Other days, I romanticize our relationship and convince myself that maybe I made a mistake. I know deep down that moving on is the best thing for me, but I just don’t know how to stop obsessing over him and truly let go. How do I break this cycle and move forward without constantly thinking about him? -- How To Let Go

DEAR HOW TO LET GO: You have to be patient. It takes time to let go of a relationship that was meaningful to you. Make up your mind that you are done. Do not contact him for any reason. When thoughts of him crop up, take a deep breath and invite yourself to let them go. Do not indulge any fantasies about him. Stop the wishing and daydreaming immediately. You have the ability to be in control of yourself, including your thoughts. It may feel like a battle right now, but over time, you will grow to accept that this chapter of your life is over -- as long as you keep the door shut. Do not call. Do not text. Do not troll his social media. Do not talk to your friends about him. Move forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding “On the Road,” the female reader interested in solo travel: As a veteran female wanderer, I highly recommend solo travel. For one thing, people are often highly focused on what they want from a journey, and sometimes with a friend, these desires can clash. There can be little room for compromise when time is limited. In addition, if you go with a pal, this is the main person you’ll be talking with, but by yourself, you’re much more likely to interact with locals -- even with language differences! -- or other travelers. This points up one of the big pluses of travel: experiencing other cultures.

The only two unpleasant trips I’ve ever had were when I went with a friend and things weren’t working out. I also recommend keeping the itinerary as flexible as possible, which can’t happen in a group trip. You don’t know how you’ll like a place until you’ve been there. Go alone, and overcome any anxieties! -- Go Solo

DEAR GO SOLO: Wow! This situation really hit a nerve for a lot of people. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think that for anyone who is adventurous enough to go on a solo trip, that’s great. I agree that when you are alone, you create space to do what you want with no compromises. Just make sure somebody back home has your itinerary in case of emergency.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend recently proposed to me, and I said no -- not because I don’t want to marry him, but because of how he did it. He proposed at a baseball game in front of a huge crowd, and it felt completely wrong for me. I don’t even like sports, and he knows that.

I’ve always dreamed of a more intimate and meaningful proposal, something that reflects who we are as a couple. Instead, I felt caught off guard, uncomfortable and even a little embarrassed. I panicked and said no in the moment, but now I’m wondering if I overreacted. The thing is, this isn’t just about the proposal itself. It makes me question whether he truly understands me and what I value. If he had put thought into making it personal and special, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. Now I’m left feeling disappointed, and I don’t know if I should just move past it, have him try again or take this as a sign that we might not be as compatible as I thought. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Should I talk to him about redoing the proposal in a way that feels right for me, or is this a red flag about our future together? -- Proposal Gone Wrong

DEAR PROPOSAL GONE WRONG: Sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Apologize for reacting so strongly and negatively to his proposal. Explain that he caught you off guard. Then tell him specifically how you felt. Remind him that you don’t like sports, so you felt like his proposal did not take you or your feelings into consideration at all. This led you to wonder if he knows what you value. Tell him that you are open to marrying him, but now you are concerned whether you two are on the same page. Ask him to share his reasons for proposing in that way. Try not to be accusatory as you talk to him, or he might clam up and stop talking.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up with Christian parents and Christian friends at a Christian church. I believe in God and read my Bible from time to time, but I struggle to confidently call myself a Christian. Part of me feels like I don’t do enough, and I wonder if I’d be criticized by those who do more than me. Is it normal to feel so insecure about my own faith? -- Christian in Training

DEAR CHRISTIAN IN TRAINING: There will always be people who doubt who you are, how strong your faith is and what you do with your life. Do not concern yourself with those people. Instead, if you want to have a better understanding of your faith and your role in it, consider going to adult Bible school. You are never too old to study or to deepen your faith. Perhaps your church offers such a program. If not, look online. Your denomination may have specific courses, workshops or immersion activities that create opportunities to dive into your faith.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: All of my friends are into running, and lately they’ve been talking about training for a marathon together. They keep encouraging me to join them, saying it would be an amazing challenge, a great bonding experience and something I’d feel proud of accomplishing. The problem is that I hate running. I’ve never enjoyed it, and I have zero passion for it. The idea of training for months and running 26.2 miles sounds miserable, not exciting. At the same time, I feel like I’m missing out by not participating. I don’t want to be the odd one out while they’re all supporting each other and celebrating this huge milestone together. I worry that if I don’t at least try, I’ll feel left out or regret not being a part of something so important to them. I don’t want to force myself into doing something I hate just for the sake of fitting in. Should I push myself to try it anyway and see if I learn to love it? Or is it OK to say no and find other ways to connect with my friends without running a marathon? -- Peer Pressure

DEAR PEER PRESSURE: It is understandable that you worry about losing momentum and intimacy with your friends if you are the only one choosing not to participate in running. That’s OK. Relationship dynamics change over time, and it’s OK for you not to participate in something that doesn’t interest you.

There is also another alternative. With your limited interest in the sport but real interest in your friends, consider offering to document their process. Would you be willing to go to practice runs once a month -- or with some other frequency -- and take pictures of them on their run? Interview them periodically about their experiences? Offer other logistical support as they train? Be there on the day of the marathon to cheer them on and record their success? If so, this could be a lovely way to stay connected to them without having to do the thing you dislike.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months ago, my son was brutally attacked and robbed outside of a nightclub. He ended up having three surgeries and is still in physical therapy. Thankfully, he’s finally able to walk again, but having to take care of him and see him that way broke my heart. His 40th birthday is coming up, and he plans to have a party. I just can’t wrap my head around this. After a near-death experience, why would you want to go right back to partying? Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? -- Fearful Mom

DEAR FEARFUL MOM: As a mother and the one who nursed him back to where he is today, it makes sense that you would be worried about his next steps. What you don’t want is for your son to remain fearful and to back away from life. Having a party to celebrate his life can be a wonderful experience for him and all in attendance. Don’t discourage him.

At the same time, you can encourage him to make safe choices for his life. Whatever his role was in getting hurt -- like possibly not being sober -- he should examine so he doesn’t repeat those mistakes. He may want to take self-defense classes as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)