Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a close friend who is always upbeat, kind and full of energy, which is why I was surprised when she recently confided in me that she has been struggling with her mental health. She didn’t go into too much detail, but I could tell that it’s been weighing on her for a while.

I want to be a good friend and offer her the support she needs, but I’m not sure of the best way to do that. I don’t want to overstep or make her feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t want her to feel like she has to go through this alone. How can I be there for her in a way that’s helpful and supportive without being intrusive? Should I encourage her to seek professional help, or is it better just to listen and let her open up on her own terms? I care about her and don’t want to say the wrong thing or make her feel worse. At the same time, I worry that if I don’t check in enough, she might feel like no one notices or cares. -- Snapped

DEAR SNAPPED: Your friend clearly trusts you, or she would not have shared her secret. By all means, stay in close touch with her. Yes, you can listen, but you are not a therapist. Be sure to let her know that you have learned that the best way to get help when you need it is to go to a pro. She can find a therapist who will listen to her and support her as she unpacks what is going on in her life.

Remind her that there is no shame in seeking out help when you need it. This is especially true when you have presented yourself in a way that will lead others to believe that you have no problems. That can be isolating. Encourage your friend to get help. It can be completely confidential and is well worth it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went on vacation to Spain for a week with friends I’ve known for 20 years. Everything started off fine; we had a great time exploring, reminiscing and enjoying one another’s company. As the days went on, tensions started to rise, and we found ourselves arguing about things that had been bothering us for years but had never been addressed. Small annoyances turned into big fights, and by the end of the trip, we were all more frustrated with one another than anything else. Now that some time has passed, I’ve had a chance to reflect, and honestly, the arguments seem small. I don’t want to lose these friendships over things that were said in the heat of the moment, but I’m not sure how to move forward. What’s the best way to mend friendships after a blowout like this? -- Fallout

DEAR FALLOUT: Be the first one to reach out to someone in the group or to the group text and say that it was unfortunate that you all started bickering, but in hindsight, you value the friendships more than whatever happened to make things devolve. Ask them if you can all get together and start fresh. No need to rehash what happened unless someone feels strongly about it. See if you can move forward.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and even though I know it was the right decision, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. We were together for a long time, and he was a big part of my daily life. Now that he’s gone, everything feels empty. I keep catching myself wanting to text him, wondering what he’s doing and replaying our memories in my head. Even when I try to distract myself with work, friends or hobbies, he still pops into my mind, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling of missing him. What makes it harder is that I go back and forth between emotions. Some days, I feel strong and remind myself why we broke up. Other days, I romanticize our relationship and convince myself that maybe I made a mistake. I know deep down that moving on is the best thing for me, but I just don’t know how to stop obsessing over him and truly let go. How do I break this cycle and move forward without constantly thinking about him? -- How To Let Go

DEAR HOW TO LET GO: You have to be patient. It takes time to let go of a relationship that was meaningful to you. Make up your mind that you are done. Do not contact him for any reason. When thoughts of him crop up, take a deep breath and invite yourself to let them go. Do not indulge any fantasies about him. Stop the wishing and daydreaming immediately. You have the ability to be in control of yourself, including your thoughts. It may feel like a battle right now, but over time, you will grow to accept that this chapter of your life is over -- as long as you keep the door shut. Do not call. Do not text. Do not troll his social media. Do not talk to your friends about him. Move forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding “On the Road,” the female reader interested in solo travel: As a veteran female wanderer, I highly recommend solo travel. For one thing, people are often highly focused on what they want from a journey, and sometimes with a friend, these desires can clash. There can be little room for compromise when time is limited. In addition, if you go with a pal, this is the main person you’ll be talking with, but by yourself, you’re much more likely to interact with locals -- even with language differences! -- or other travelers. This points up one of the big pluses of travel: experiencing other cultures.

The only two unpleasant trips I’ve ever had were when I went with a friend and things weren’t working out. I also recommend keeping the itinerary as flexible as possible, which can’t happen in a group trip. You don’t know how you’ll like a place until you’ve been there. Go alone, and overcome any anxieties! -- Go Solo

DEAR GO SOLO: Wow! This situation really hit a nerve for a lot of people. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think that for anyone who is adventurous enough to go on a solo trip, that’s great. I agree that when you are alone, you create space to do what you want with no compromises. Just make sure somebody back home has your itinerary in case of emergency.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend recently proposed to me, and I said no -- not because I don’t want to marry him, but because of how he did it. He proposed at a baseball game in front of a huge crowd, and it felt completely wrong for me. I don’t even like sports, and he knows that.

I’ve always dreamed of a more intimate and meaningful proposal, something that reflects who we are as a couple. Instead, I felt caught off guard, uncomfortable and even a little embarrassed. I panicked and said no in the moment, but now I’m wondering if I overreacted. The thing is, this isn’t just about the proposal itself. It makes me question whether he truly understands me and what I value. If he had put thought into making it personal and special, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. Now I’m left feeling disappointed, and I don’t know if I should just move past it, have him try again or take this as a sign that we might not be as compatible as I thought. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Should I talk to him about redoing the proposal in a way that feels right for me, or is this a red flag about our future together? -- Proposal Gone Wrong

DEAR PROPOSAL GONE WRONG: Sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Apologize for reacting so strongly and negatively to his proposal. Explain that he caught you off guard. Then tell him specifically how you felt. Remind him that you don’t like sports, so you felt like his proposal did not take you or your feelings into consideration at all. This led you to wonder if he knows what you value. Tell him that you are open to marrying him, but now you are concerned whether you two are on the same page. Ask him to share his reasons for proposing in that way. Try not to be accusatory as you talk to him, or he might clam up and stop talking.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up with Christian parents and Christian friends at a Christian church. I believe in God and read my Bible from time to time, but I struggle to confidently call myself a Christian. Part of me feels like I don’t do enough, and I wonder if I’d be criticized by those who do more than me. Is it normal to feel so insecure about my own faith? -- Christian in Training

DEAR CHRISTIAN IN TRAINING: There will always be people who doubt who you are, how strong your faith is and what you do with your life. Do not concern yourself with those people. Instead, if you want to have a better understanding of your faith and your role in it, consider going to adult Bible school. You are never too old to study or to deepen your faith. Perhaps your church offers such a program. If not, look online. Your denomination may have specific courses, workshops or immersion activities that create opportunities to dive into your faith.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)