Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I got married around two months ago. We just finished going through all our cards and gifts, discovering in the process that there are still quite a few people who have not given gifts.

I have heard people convey that the proper window for giving wedding presents is anywhere from six weeks to one year after the wedding. What is the actual correct time frame to expect gifts, and after that time has passed, how do we go about inquiring with these people about the (lack of a) gift?

I do not want to be rude by making our guests think we are waiting for a gift (though we are), but actually our main concern is that perhaps the gift or card got lost at the venue or in the mail, in which case we and our guests both lose.

I’d like to simply send out a text message to each with something to the effect of, “Hey, please don’t feel ANY pressure to give a gift at all, but we went through our presents and did not find one from you, so we just wanted to make sure it didn’t get lost or misplaced.”

However, I am afraid this will be interpreted as a thinly veiled (and rude) attempt to “remind” the guest that they have not yet given a gift.

GENTLE READER: In order for it to be thinly veiled, you would have to be putting up a pretense of it not being your true intention. And your brief -- and public -- track record, as stated here, does not give Miss Manners confidence.

You should not concern yourself with (much less obsess over) whether or not each and every guest has given you a present. Indeed, a year is a reasonable time frame.

But surely you have better things to think about as a newlywed -- and plenty of thank-you notes to write for whatever has already safely arrived. Guests who are worried that a present was lost, usually because thanks were not received, should contact you through a relative or friend (see the letter below). But taking inventory is wholly unbecoming -- and not conducive to producing the feelings that lead to sending you presents in the first place.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Gift-giving has changed a lot since I was a bride. In many cases, people purchase from online gift registries and items are shipped.

But gifts can get lost along the way, and more than one of my purchases never made it to the recipient. Sometimes shopping websites have good package-tracking systems, and sometimes they don’t.

So what is the best way of checking to see if the recipient received your gift and if the correct item was sent -- without sounding like you are nagging them for a thank-you note immediately?

GENTLE READER: Enlist the help of a mutual friend or relative to do it for you. “I am afraid that our present to Bridey Won’tThankALot might have been lost in transit. Would you mind finding out if she received it before I start annoying the merchant who sent it?”

Miss Manners recommends that you wait a few weeks before doing this, however, as the urgency of writing thank-you letters has also “changed a lot.” But she feels certain that the well-chosen friend or relative will at least help to alleviate the problem of not knowing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are invited to a large Thanksgiving dinner and you offer to bring desserts and the offer is accepted, should you still bring a hostess gift?

GENTLE READER: The overdone practice of guest participation -- bringing part of the meal and presents -- arouses Miss Manners’ suspicion that it is intended to replace the obligation of reciprocation.

She acknowledges, however, that the cooperative meal is a legitimate Thanksgiving custom. But in that case, you become one of the hosts and need not bring yourself a present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received an invitation to visit our neighbors and have dinner with them. We received it by voicemail. I returned the call to let them know we would be there. I did not actually reach them, but left a response on their voicemail telling them we would love to accept their invitation and would see them later.

When we arrived, we were welcomed and introduced to their other guests. The husband was surprised to see us, which confused me, but we stayed and had a wonderful visit. When it came time to have dinner, the husband asked if we were staying. I looked to his wife and she indicated we should stay, which we did.

Later on, the husband told us his wife had forgotten that she had invited us, and that she hadn’t checked her voicemail and so had not received my response saying we would be there.

Were we wrong to attend without actually talking to the wife? Afterwards, my husband and I were talking and thought maybe we should have said our goodbyes before dinner. I am still feeling uncomfortable about the way it played out.

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort is understandable, but entirely a product of your hosts’ rudeness, not your own. Forgetting one issued an invitation and neglecting to check voicemail are merely incompetent. Making a guest feel unwelcome is inexcusable. Many readers have complained to Miss Manners about uninvited guests. But if your hostess’s husband (incorrectly) thought that described you, he should have made sure of his facts before twice broadcasting his feelings. Being polite is always the safer course, particularly for those with bad memories. Should you choose to accept any future invitations from these people, putting it in writing makes good sense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many people sent beautiful flowers to the services of my nephew’s wife. I’m fairly certain my nephew has not written a thank-you note to anyone in at least the 25 years his wife was able to do so.

I am his closest living relative. Would it be appropriate for me to write them on his behalf? Would I start with a “Mark wants you to know he ...” sort of thing? I’d like to make sure it’s acceptable before offering this bit of help to him.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but then after a sufficient and respectful waiting period, Miss Manners advises you to encourage and tutor this nephew to start writing them on his own. Eventually he will want to return to socializing, and this skill will only help ensure that he is successful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live with our 18-month-old son on the third floor of a 20-unit apartment complex in a major city. On weekdays, we both work, leaving our son with a responsible adult who takes him on outings.

When we get home and begin to prepare our family dinner, our son sometimes screams out of excitement or frustration. Of course we try and do everything we can to prevent this, including taking him outside for a walk or additional playtime.

But now our immediate downstairs neighbor (a single, older woman without children) has started shouting from her unit for us to quiet our son, sometimes using a harsh tone and words. I have calmly explained (from our balcony) that we are doing all we can to keep our son quiet but that it is not possible at all times, that we understand that the noise upsets her and that it upsets us, as well.

Her response is to continue to shout from her balcony. She even suggested that if we spent more time with our son, perhaps he would be more quiet.

While I am sympathetic to our neighbor (no one wants to listen to prolonged shouting), I feel this comment crossed the line and was offensive to both myself and my wife, as we would both prefer to be at home with our son as opposed to at work.

The neighbor’s shouting and comments have caused our family stress, but I do not see any point in further dialogue between balconies. Accordingly, we have decided to simply ignore our neighbor and carry on as best we can. I am not sure what further action we should take. Does Miss Manners have any advice for us as to how to politely address this issue?

GENTLE READER: Your neighbor’s comment was impolite, but perhaps she is tired. And perhaps, like Miss Manners, she noticed that instead of apologizing for the noise, you chose to explain to her that babies sometimes cry and that your inconvenience is equal to her own.

You should apologize and -- for the sake of the other 18 tenants -- do so in writing. This will also give you the opportunity to say that while you are doing your best to calm your son, your neighbor’s shouting from the balcony exacerbates, rather than improves, the situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long after the death of a relative does one offer condolences? When I mention in conversation to an acquaintance that my mother died 28 years ago, he or she almost always says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” It seems odd to me.

GENTLE READER: Deaths that occurred a very long time ago and, so far as you know, in the natural course, do not require acknowledgment beyond a sympathetic mien. That would include a parent, but not, by contrast, a child -- the often incorrect, but polite, assumption being that generations neatly pass away in order.

The acknowledgment itself can be large or small, tailored to the bearing of the person revealing the information. But Miss Manners notes that there is never any harm in expressing sympathy for a loss when you first learn of it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)