Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 75-year-old husband insists that men do not have to wash their hands after a trip to the restroom if they only urinated. I think that every trip to the restroom should be followed by hand-washing. Can you tell us who is right?

GENTLE READER: In these days, when even a trip to the mailbox involves washing one’s hands, there can be little argument who is right. But even in pre-pandemic days, Miss Manners agrees that a gentleman washes his hands after a visit to the restroom, if only because a gentleman does not discuss the specifics of what took him there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Following a pricey destination stag party, our friend married the wrong person in an extravagant destination wedding, complete with various live performances and expensive accommodations.

Upon returning to the U.S., the couple procrastinated filing the marriage license, admittedly because the relationship was in trouble. They continued living together for about a year and half, then separated for good.

Should they return the cash gifts given to them by their friends and family? Does the fact that these guests traveled far and spent a lot of money to attend the over-the-top affair before bestowing said gifts have any bearing?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners assumes that, in saying your friend married the wrong person, you mean someone who was not his soul mate, and not a guest disoriented by the extravagant entertaining.

Wedding gifts are only returned when the wedding is canceled before, not after, it occurs. So with the above stipulations -- and notwithstanding the complication with the license -- your friend was married, and no return of gifts should be expected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Assuming it is edible, is it proper to eat any garnish added to a plate of food?

GENTLE READER: If it is on a food platter and is edible, sure. Just promise Miss Manners that you are not reaching for the flowers in the centerpiece.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom and I hosted a birthday party for my dad at our home, and invited about a dozen people. We arranged to have food catered from a local restaurant, and we supplied most of the beverages, although many guests did bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift or birthday gift.

After we had cake around 9:30, most of the guests announced that they had to leave due to the late hour. They left my mom and me with the cleanup of the serving dishes, dinner and dessert plates, cutlery, and wine and champagne glasses -- not to mention the leftovers, which were not insubstantial. None of them offered to help clean up.

Is this the norm and to be expected, or did our guests take advantage of our generosity?

GENTLE READER: It may not be the norm, which is the reason Miss Manners is called upon to explain that it is the rule. Proper guests respond to invitations promptly; arrive reasonably on time; behave sociably; leave before they, or their hosts, lose interest; and send handwritten thank-you letters for the hospitality. Proper hosts do everything else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve probably watched one too many classic movies and read too many old books, because I’ve started to say “How do you do?” when I meet someone for the first time, or as a greeting in formal or business encounters. Someone told me it was outdated after I said it to them.

Is it strange to use it these days? Could Miss Manners kindly advise on this before I raise more eyebrows?

GENTLE READER: Raise them. “How do you do?” is the correct thing to say after an introduction. But please hang on for a short tutorial on the usefulness of conventional expressions.

“Pleased to meet you” sounds cordial, but it, too, can be questioned, because how do you know how pleasant it will turn out to be to meet any particular stranger? It is considered unctuous by fastidious Americans -- and by all of England, who attacked the Duchess of Cambridge’s mother for saying it upon first meeting the queen.

Miss Manners is afraid that in this literal-minded age, people mistake “How do you do?” for a question. It is not, and the proper answer is another “How do you do?”

An actual question would be “How are you?” but that, too, is conventional. Unless it is asked by one’s intimates or one’s doctor, it requires some sort of positive response: “Fine, thank you; how are you?”

Conventions mercifully save us from probing motives, so we can move on to real conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should women be allowed to wear a white wedding dress and splurge on their second wedding?

I ask this because a mutual friend has just done so, causing a debate between my mother and me. I believe that a woman has the right to her perfect wedding.

What if the first wedding was nothing that she’d hoped for, but this time around, she is going for everything she dreamed of? What if her first spouse was horrible to her, and this is a way for her to heal and move on? What in the manners books makes it OK to do less for your new spouse than your last?

GENTLE READER: “Allowed” by whom?

Miss Manners has no patience with the grudges of those who felt deprived of their dream wedding, whatever that might be. Marriage is supposed to be for grown-ups, who can understand practical limitations and handle disappointments.

But neither does she consider it is her business to tell a bride what to wear. The white wedding dress only became a bridal costume after Queen Victoria wore one; before that, brides simply wore their best dresses, whatever the style or color. And while the white dress and veil came to be associated with a young bride at a first wedding, they have now become almost universal.

People who snipe at white dresses being worn by women nastily called “experienced” brides are just being mean, if not vulgar. Miss Manners would never dream of mentioning what she thinks of those strapless white balloons brides insist on wearing -- or that the other common choice, the overtly sexy dress is, on a bride, redundant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: Of what purpose or relevance is etiquette in a time of social distancing?

As etiquette is a social code of behavior, Miss Manners has always promised not to annoy you with rules when you are home alone. And now so many of us are.

Still, the importance of considerate behavior ought to be obvious for those who are not literally alone, but sequestered with others. The old argument for “just being able to be myself at home,” generally meaning indulging in doses of slovenliness and selfishness, always led to no good.

And even truly solitary confinement -- with the exception of being able to connect through the blessings of electronics -- benefits from following some of the basics of civilized life. Prisoners in the Civil War pleaded for spoons, so that they wouldn’t feel like animals eating with their hands. Anyone who has been bedridden knows that the simple routines of getting dressed and sitting at a table for meals have a stabilizing effect.

Obviously it is the heroic moral virtues that we most prize in times of crisis. But there are underlying principles that manners share with morality, and the small virtues that arise from concern for others are crucial in close quarters.

Miss Manners has long been plagued by the popular misconception of etiquette as pertaining only to “society” in the sense of the rich and frivolous, and the illusion that normal people behave naturally. There is nothing like social distancing to serve as a reminder that society means all of us, and that behaving like our better selves benefits everyone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are expecting our second baby. We live near my family, while his family lives across the state. We named our first child (middle name) after his only brother, which I happily agreed to, thinking it was a great idea.

Now, with our second child on the way, he wants her middle name to be his sister’s. I am extremely close with his entire family, and would happily do this, as I love his sister dearly -- but it puts me in an awkward position, because I have a sister as well. I voiced this concern to him. His reasoning is that he should be able to name our daughter after his sister because we live close to my family: They will get to see our daughter all the time, while his won’t.

Of course, this makes me feel guilty. I think it’s unreasonable for him to push the issue when he knows I’m concerned about hurting my sister’s feelings. Am I being unreasonable?

GENTLE READER: Reasonableness only goes so far in marital disputes, where it is important that both parties end up satisfied. Sure, you could argue that it is your family’s turn, but Miss Manners would think that neither of you wants your daughter’s name to rankle the other.

Give her two middle names. That is somewhat unusual, but not unheard of. And please settle peaceably which sister’s name should be first -- whether alphabetically, by age, or which order makes the prettier monogram.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)