Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live near numerous public parks. These parks have two parallel lanes: one for bikes/rollerblades and another for foot traffic. The rules for which lane to use are well-known and well-posted.

Sometimes I encounter foot traffic in the bike lane. This is both an annoyance and a safety concern, as I may need to go over a barrier or onto the grass to avoid a collision. It doesn’t really bother me if people walk along the edge or briefly drift onto the bike lane to avoid obstacles, but those that walk down the middle of the bike lane drive me nuts.

I have taken to saying “You’re in the bike lane” as I zip past. This alerts them and allows them to correct their position if it was inadvertently chosen.

But honestly, my comment is intended -- and received -- as a scold, and sometimes embarrasses them, as others hear it. It’s also strictly true, so there’s that. I never look back after passing, as I don’t want to further escalate nor encourage them to shout a retort.

Will Miss Manners allow this? Or how else can I respond?

GENTLE READER: There was never a high probability that Miss Manners was going to approve your yelling at pedestrians after you nearly ran them down.

This is not to say that your problem is insoluble, merely that it requires a different approach. Stick to the bike lane. Ring your bell, and if you want to take the time to instruct, stop in front of the pedestrian and dismount with a look of surprise and concern -- as if you only just avoided a life-threatening collision.

“I’m so glad I saw you in time. This is the bike lane. Are you OK?” This will embarrass them without leaving them yelling at you. And it will avoid your being rude in the event that the pedestrian’s crime was not premeditated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a personal (not business) phone call, which person should begin to end the call: the one who initiated the call, or the call receiver? Or does it not matter?

GENTLE READER: It is not who initiates the termination of a call, but rather how it is done, that is the more important point. The available methods are infinite, ranging from the rude slamming down of the receiver -- meant to terminate not just the call, but possibly the friendship as well -- to the tactful “Well, I won’t keep you,” to the traditional “Sorry, I have to go; I hear my mother calling.”

In these days of time-limited videoconferencing, Miss Manners prefers almost any one of these to the communication snapping off at the whim of a distant electron.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are baby announcements (mailed via the postal service, not email) still a thing? I am expecting and wondering.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette still prefers such announcements to chronicling every minute of the pregnancy and birth online. But given the universal enthusiasm for talking about oneself and encouraging presents, Miss Manners is surprised they are not more popular with parents-to-be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m connected to many friends and acquaintances on social media. For my birthday, well over a hundred people posted their wishes publicly on my page.

While I would prefer more personal, private messages (which close friends indeed sent), I do appreciate the kindness, and hence make it a point to respond to every posted message with a brief, individual reply.

However, I noticed that this approach is fairly uncommon: Most people simply share a generic “Thanks, everyone, for all your wishes” post on their page shortly after the event. As a sender of wishes to others, I would find that disappointingly generic and rather impersonal.

What is the perfect way to thank a large group of people for their birthday wishes on social media?

GENTLE READER: One writes thank-you letters, in part, to recognize and reciprocate the effort exerted by a gift giver.

But although Miss Manners, like you, prefers good manners to efficiency, she recognizes that requiring an individual response to every low-exertion expression of goodwill in such a situation would crush the festive spirit of even the most committed birthday girl. Direct felicitations should be acknowledged, but the public nature of the greetings you describe allows for a group response.

This is a minimum standard. While there is no ban on your responding individually to each “Happy bday Cindi!!!!”, doing so 100 times in a public way may convey an impression of self-absorption rather than gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for visiting grown children to take food from their parents’ fridge without asking? Or is it more appropriate to ask, “May I take such-and-such?”

GENTLE READER: Likely, Justin and Jenna -- who now have children of their own -- fondly remember helping themselves to cheese slices while doing algebra homework. What their parents remember is their annoyance at finding empty wrappers on the living room carpet.

But now those children are guests -- privileged ones, but no longer residents -- so they should ask. Fond parents may wish to preempt this with a standing offer to help themselves, which fond children should reciprocate by periodically restocking the refrigerator.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has had a very dear friend for many years. This friend’s son, of some age himself, was recently contacted by a child who said that he was his birth father.

How does one inform close friends and associates of this new addition to his family? The grandmother happens to be thrilled that she has a new youngster to dote on and to spoil.

GENTLE READER: With associates, Miss Manners recommends a bold approach: that your wife’s friend introduce him as what he is -- her son’s son from a previous relationship -- while acting as though it is only she, not the father, with whom the boy was not previously acquainted.

Friends and family will require a less ambiguous explanation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Experts have recommended that during the coronavirus outbreak, we keep 6 feet of distance from others and refrain from shaking hands. I am all for that, as I have never been a big fan of shaking hands.

I am sure when the pandemic subsides, hand-shaking will bounce back. I work in a profession where I frequently meet people, and shaking hands is common.

Is there a polite way to avoid this? Why can’t a smile and simple “hello” work as a way of greeting?

GENTLE READER: They could, but we have developed so many other greeting gestures -- kisses, fist bumps, hand slaps -- that it will be a wonder if anyone remembers how to hold still and smile at the same time.

With any luck, people will be used to greeting without grabbing. But Miss Manners acknowledges that habits hang on, and dealing with an outstretched hand may be necessary, as refusing to shake it has always been considered an insult. People with severe arthritis or other good reasons to forgo the gesture have long had this problem.

Key is an apologetic expression: Bring the eyebrows together while making a pathetic little smile. You could also shrug, with your palms open (See? No weapons!) while saying “Sorry, I can’t shake” -- and then hurrying on to say how glad you are to see that person with no time to explain why. “I’m afraid you might make me sick” is not a charming statement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the proper way to eat asparagus?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how much fun you want to have.

There are three equally proper methods:

If you just want to get your greens, use a fork, cutting the spears with the side of the fork before conveying the pieces to your mouth.

Or you could invest in asparagus holders, if you can find them. That they often have an asparagus spear etched on the side does not prevent diners from staring with stupefaction at seeing them in their place settings.

Free, and even more fun, Miss Manners believes, is picking up the asparagus by hand and nibbling from the top. What makes this enjoyable is the horror on the faces of those who are unaware that this method is traditional. (Note: This is not a privilege extended to other vegetables, so don’t try it.)

A note of caution: Watch out for dripping sauces. The serene smile you exhibit when knowing that you are correct despite all disbelief does not sit well above a stained shirt front.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a niece who addresses all of her mail as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, rather than Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. This greatly upsets us, and her mother-in-law. We feel it does not show any respect for her elders.

Are we wrong to feel this way? Has the proper way to address an envelope changed?

GENTLE READER: Oh, please. She is using honorifics -- titles of respect, which are in rare use nowadays. So is writing letters at all, for that matter. Miss Manners begs you to explain this to those relatives before the young lady reasonably concludes that there is no use trying to please them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)