DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a long distance relationship with my current girlfriend for about a year and it’s my first serious relationship (not hers). Pretty much everything was great for the first few months and even though we had difficulties with the long distance, we managed to make it work and generally had a good time.

Lately it feels like the “new relationship energy”, at least in the physical aspect, has gone from our relationship. Previously, we would pretty much have sex like rabbits every time we saw each other. Nowadays the frequency has dropped to maybe 2-3 times when we get to see each other for a week/long weekend after being apart for a month or so.

I understand that this is natural in a relationship and that people’s libidos can vary greatly over time but I can’t help feeling frustrated. After a few weeks of not seeing her, the first thing I want to do is tear her clothes off and that just doesn’t seem to be a priority for her anymore.

We’ve talked about this and she seems to understand where I’m coming from but says that she doesn’t feel like it if she feels pressured to just have more sex. I get what she means because I tend to show my frustrations fairly clearly. She also feels that it’s natural for sex to ebb and flow but I feel like she isn’t taking into account the long distance nature of the relationship. We have basically agreed to work on me not pressuring her so much and her trying to improve the frequency,

The problem is that she has a tendency to discuss issues in our relationship, come to an agreement and never act on them. I understand what I have to do and try and make an effort to do so but sometimes it feels like she does not. Additionally, talking to her about any issue in the relationship is like pulling teeth. She’ll shut down with anger and just not talk about the problem for days and leave it unresolved until it inevitably comes up again. Everything else with her is great, to the point that I have seriously considered settling down with her and I really wish I didn’t feel like this. Sometimes it makes me wonder if this long distance is worth it and if I should just call it quits. What should I do?

Just One Thing

DEAR JUST ONE THING: I’m sympathetic, JOT; long distance is tough to manage, especially when it’s your first relationship. But I think it’s your inexperience that’s cutting you off at the knees here. You’re running into a problem that lots of people have in their early relationships – especially long-distance ones: you’re kinda taking the sex for granted.

When you’re in your first serious relationship, for a lot of people it’s like going from a famine to a feast. You’ve gone from no sex – or very limited sexual activity – to suddenly having it all. And in those heady, early days when everything is amazing it’s very easy to get lost in the idea that now sex is going to be on tap, 24-7. This is especially true when you’re in a long-distance relationship and you only see each other so many times per year. There’s this understandable desire to get in all the sexin’ you can because there’s going to be this long dry spell in between.

Problem is, when the honeymoon period starts to end and the new relationship energy starts to fade, priorities tend to change. The ways and whys you have sex change. Yes, the passion tapers off, as it does in all relationships, but this comes with a greater emphasis on the other parts of your relationship – the intimacy and the nurturing and the companionship. It’s not just about being a couple of horny greased weasels, it’s about sharing that connection between the two of you. But when she comes to visit and the first thing you want to do is rip her clothes off? It kind of makes her feel like that’s all you want. There’s a lot to be said for being wanted, but it’s very easy to turn “being wanted” into “feeling like a Fleshlight with a pulse”.

So I suspect that the problem is less that your girlfriend doesn’t want as much sex – although that could well be part of it – as much of feeling like most of what you miss is getting laid on the regular. And if you’re getting notably frustrated because you’re not balls-deep as soon as you’re off the plane… well, that’s going to turn her off even further. That’s going to make her feel incredibly pressured to put out regardless of her feelings on the matter, which is a huge turn off.

That is what makes me wonder whether your problems discussing your relationship issues stems from her feeling pressured to f

k constantly. If she feels like most of the relationship is going to be about how much you’re f

king and if you’re going to be pouting until then, then there’s not exactly much incentive to work on everything else. After all, why bang you head against another wall?

My advice is that you start with getting the way you treat sex under control. Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive or wanting it every day and twice on Sundays. It’s how you’re treating your partner that’s the problem. So try to put some emphasis on practicing gratitude, rather than entitlement. Appreciate everything about having her there with you – the companionship, the cuddling, the little jokes – as well as the idea that you’re gonna get some. The more you can show how you love all of her, without making her feel pressured or venting your frustrations at her, the happier you’ll both be.

Once you have that sorted… see how the rest shapes up. That’ll give you a better idea as to whether this relationship can go the distance.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a straight woman and long-time lurker with an issue with my boyfriend. I have been in my current relationship for three years come April. We have been through some very hard times but have been making it work. Or at least I thought so, until evidence of him sexting another woman was presented to me. This doesn’t look to be an isolated case of weakness and stress, although he says it was. In fact, the <sarcasm> wonderful woman </sarcasm> conveniently provided screen shots the week before he proposed to me, a couple weeks after, and again several months afterwards. It was, to the best of my knowledge, only virtual and nothing physical.

I like to think that I am very understanding and supportive. I completely understand that sometimes you need release without the work that sex can be and have made it clear from the beginning I have no problem with porn. We live in the same house. I do a majority of the chores, pay for a majority of the living expenses, and have been working hard to support him. I know he has a lot going on and is very stressed. While this hasn’t been physical, it still feels like cheating to me. It has gone from passively watching, and has actively pursuing. And it still was a choice he made, multiple times, to betray my trust.

As I am writing this, it is still a fresh wound. I do dearly love him. And, even though my heart still feels shattered, I want the best for him. He has been supportive of me in the past, seen me through some very difficult times, and has become a central part of my life. This seems to indicate what’s best for him would be to have the freedom to find happiness. We have talked at length at this, and he insists he wants to try and make this right.

Are we, or I, chasing a false dream?

Lost and Wounded

DEAR LOST AND WOUNDED: I kind of wonder what the other woman was hoping for when she decided to give you the dirty details. Was she hoping to break the two of you up so she could take things from the virtual into the physical? Did she just get her jollies from letting you know that she’s had her claws in your man? Did she have pangs of conscience and decided you needed to know everything?

Not that it ultimately matters. That’s just the rotten topping on the infidelity sundae. This is between you and your fiancee.

If you’ve been a long-time lurker, then you know my feelings on monogamy are nuanced, to say the least. Making a monogamous commitment doesn’t mean that you don’t want to sleep with other people, it just means you’ve promised NOT to. Men and women both will have the urge for novelty and new partners and find themselves having crushes and attractions to people who aren’t their one-and-only’s. And the rush of a naughty secret and being desired by somebody new can be intoxicating.

I also tend to believe that not all infidelities are equal. Someone using Tinder for flirty texting isn’t, to my mind, the same as having a regular fling with the neighbor. In some ways, it’s akin to using a cam site instead of just watching porn.

I say all of this not to devalue how you feel, but just to establish where I tend to come from on matters like these. So with that being said: no, I don’t think “giving him his freedom” is necessary. While his behavior has been bad – no question there – I don’t think this rises to the level of a relationship extinction level event… yet.

Don’t get me wrong: you have very legitimate reasons to be hurt and upset. The pain you’re feeling is very real and very valid. Your fiancee has hurt you through his actions. But I also think that this is something that you two can recover from, if you two want to make the effort. The question is, what is he willing to do to fix things and earn your trust back? He’s going to have to be going above and beyond – not only cutting ties with his virtual paramour but being willing to be the one to maintain the boundaries in your relationship. Will he be willing to show you proof that he’s on the up and up? Will he be able to give full transparency so you never need to wonder where things stand now? Can he show you just how much you mean to him – not just now while the wound is fresh, but over time?

And, just as importantly, are you going to be able to trust him again?

That second part is pretty important. If he’s willing to show you that yes, he’s going out of his way to be trustworthy again, are you going to be able to believe him? Or has this been such a grievous wound that you’ll always have that splinter of doubt digging away at your soul, leaving a canker on your relationship with him?

I think that, IF you both want it AND he’s going to put a good-faith effort in, your relationship can survive this. Your old relationship may be over, but a new one can begin in it’s place, if you want it. If he truly wants to make this right and you truly want to let him… then I think it’s worth the risk.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time lurker, first time writer here. I’m a college boy dating a fellow student that we’ll call J. I’ve dated only a few times in the past, mostly out of shyness, but never consistently until I met her. We’ve been going out for a bit more than a year now, and I’ve never been happier. She’s the kindest, smartest, most caring person I know, and I love every moment we spend together. But a few years ago, before I met her, J was diagnosed with lupus, an incurable disease that has a number of awful, sometimes visible side-effects including hair loss, facial rashes, mood swings, and joint pain. Most of the noticeable side-effects have lessened in severity with a combination of time and medication, but they’re still there, and will always be a part of her life. Add the fact that one of her old medications made her gain some weight that she’s still working on losing, and it understandably left J with very low self-esteem.

We’re both in the same major and she does consistently better than most of the students, including myself, in every class we share, but she tells me that she’s not that smart, or that she’s just a good guesser and didn’t really deserve the good grades she’s earned. Whenever we start to get intimate, she always apologizes profusely for her inflexibility and stretch marks, things that I honestly couldn’t give a damn about when she shoves me onto my bed with that irresistible, wicked smirk and starts riding me like a Harley. And when I tell her as much, she says that I don’t have to pretend not to notice them to make her feel better, but thanks me for trying anyway. Recently she told me that I’m too good for her, that she doesn’t deserve me, and that she’s just waiting for the day I’ll get tired of her problems and leave her. I have no idea how I stopped myself from crying when I first heard that, and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even sniffle by the fourth time J said it.

I will never, ever claim to know what this horrible disease has put her through, but I have dealt with my own self-esteem issues before, so I have no delusions that I can just “fix” her in a week with the power of love and compliments. But J isn’t broken, she isn’t a failure, she isn’t a problem, and even if she did lose her hair again, I would still think she’s just as beautiful as she is today. I guess what I’d like is some way to help let J see herself the way I see her. Not to “cure” her of her low self-esteem, but just to let her know that I love her, and that I think she’s a charming, sexy, intelligent, and just overall brilliant woman, no matter what her stupid immune system has to say about it.

Thank you,

Livin’ La Vida Lupus

DEAR LIVIN’ LA VIDA LUPUS: Damn it, LLVL, this is the first time in my career that I have the opportunity to make a “It’s Not Lupus” joke and you have to undercut me by making it a serious, emotionally tense issue.

But. Y’know. It’s not lupus. It’s the way that society teaches women that they’re only valuable when they’re beautiful and sexual and to downplay their own accomplishments, lest they seem immodest.

Let’s take Hermione, for example. Part of what made her a revolutionary character in YA fiction isn’t that she’s brilliant; it’s that she’s brilliant and doesn’t hide it. She’s smart, she knows she’s smart and it’s just how she is. Girls are taught over and over again that being visibly competent is a bad thing and that things like intelligence or talent are things to be apologized for or hand-waved away. Hell, you can see it with all the BS about Rey from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi being a Mary Sue because she’s following the same arc as Luke Skywalker.

Having flaws are acceptable as long as they’re minor or quirky. Serious issues like, say, hair-loss – and not “gives you a beautiful shaved scalp” hair loss but “falling out in uneven clumps in the shower” hair loss – are hard to accept. Doubly so considering how much stock is put in gender presentation for women by having long, flowing locks of hair.

Your girlfriend has, in all likelihood, been hearing trash all her life about not showing off or being a know-it-all or being too proud or vain. And when she’s suddenly “deficient” (for suitably false definitions of deficient) in the areas where women are supposed to excel (but it’s better if they don’t realize it – looking at YOU, One Direction…). Mix that in with the difficulties of dating in general when you have a chronic condition, the literal pain of said condition, already existing low-self-esteem issues and… yeah, it’s going to seriously mess up somebody’s view of themselves.

But you know all that already. The big question right now is: what do you do?

Well, part of it is: tell her all the things that you just told me. She needs to hear all of that. But you also don’t – and shouldn’t – pretend that her flaws aren’t there. She knows you see them and pretending they don’t exist (which is what she thinks you’re doing) doesn’t help. Instead, acknowledge them but point out that they’re part of her and part of what makes her the person you love. She wouldn’t be who she is right now – the person you have chosen to be with – without all these component parts that add up to a bigger whole. Tell her this. Tell her this regularly, not just with words but with your actions and behavior. Holding her and telling her you care, quietly helping when she needs it, being her support when times are difficult, giving her space when she needs that instead… all those little ways of letting her know you’re there for her add up over time.

The other thing is to not lie. She believes you’re lying to make her feel better when you say that you’re OK with all of this. And just to be honest: yeah, dating somebody with a chronic condition can be hard. It can be frustrating. It can be tiring. And you feel like an asshole for feeling that way. But the fact is, even for those times when it is frustrating or exhausting, it’s ok because she’s worth it all to you. Hearing that moment of honesty from you might help it sink in that you’re not sticking things out until you can find an exit strategy, you’re in it because you want her, specifically.

I know that the traditional response is to quote Shakespeare’s sonnet 130, but I think that a better idea might be to acquaint her with the concept of kintsugi – repairing lacquerware and pottery in such a way that illuminates the breakage and repair instead of hiding it, usually by filling the cracks with gold or silver. It treats the process of repair as part of what makes the object unique and special by acknowledging it’s history. Your girlfriend isn’t broken by any stretch of the imagination, but she feels like she is. She has a condition and it sucks and pretending that it’s not there doesn’t help… but it also doesn’t make her less beautiful or desirable or special.

You know this. I know this. She needs to know this. Tell her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a very…odd situation with a woman friend that I’m “sort of” seeing. Let’s call her Alex. We’re not at the point of kissing, but our nights out and conversations tend to be somewhat more intimate than what would be expected of friends around here. She has a girlfriend but both she and Alex say they potentially wouldn’t mind a three-person relationship).

That’s not the situation I’m referring to here though.

Basically, Alex hates receiving compliments of any kind. And not in the sense that “oh she gets so embarrassed and flustered and blushes and she’s so damn cute I can’t help but tease her.”

I mean, she legitimately gets pissed off when someone compliments her for anything. Her personal rule is: If you want to compliment or praise her for something she accomplished, you have to have been there with her and witnessed her accomplishment first-hand. If you weren’t there and you try to compliment her, she reacts like she’s being sucked up to, that someone can’t truly appreciate or properly be impressed with her accomplishment because they weren’t there to see it themselves.

So…Yeah. She’s been described as coming from an alternate universe where compliments are insults.

I’m not going to speculate about whether she’s been diagnosed with anything, that would just be shitty. I simply consider it a personality quirk that I have to keep in mind if I want to be with her. And she’s not really meant to be the focus of this question; I’m more curious about the challenge it represents.

Namely, what non-verbal ways are there to show your appreciation and respect for someone and all they’ve done, but without simply complimenting her with “Good job!” or stuff like that? Again, we aren’t quite boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so I assume extravagant gifts and expensive fancy restaurants wouldn’t be appropriate. Despite how it may sound, our relationship is certainly not toxic. She has never tried to dictate or control what I say to her, and she has respected my own personal quirks as well. She’s simply made it clear what she likes and what she hates in regards to people speaking to her, but otherwise she has no interest in trying to force anyone to say or do anything.

Really interested in what you have to suggest, as well as what any of the site’s commenters can come up with.

Doesn’t Mind The Quirks.

DEAR DOESN’T MIND THE QUIRKS: That is… an interesting outlook on life, I guess? It kind of seems like a fun-house mirror version of the issue I mentioned in my response to LLVL – trying to avoid praise but feeling like accepting “undeserved” praise means you’re being immodest or conceited. Y’know. If you squint.

Well, she’s pretty much told you what the secret is: praise or compliment her for the things you do see or that she does for you. 

Failing that, if she can’t handle being praised, then simply make it about you. You appreciate what she’s done  – it was a great help, it’s something you hadn’t seen or experienced or thought of before, etc. The other option is to focus on the achievement itself, rather than the fact that she did it – especially if you can see the results in some way, shape or form. Thus, you’re saying that $THING is really cool in and of itself, however it happened or that other people must have appreciated that someone went through the trouble to do $THING or that $THING must have been difficult or challenging and it’s pretty impressive that it was accomplished. You’re basically paying a bank-shot compliment; the final result was cool or appreciated or what-have-you, with the unstated “…and you’re cool for having done it” hanging invisibly but making it’s presence known like perfume in the air.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a gay man in a relationship with long-term potential. I love my boyfriend so very much, for so many reasons. I want him to be a part of my life until death. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years, but it seems as though some things in my mind have changed. At this point in time, I’m kind of lost with what to do and how to respond to those changes that have a direct affect on him.

Firstly, I’d like to let it be known that I am not a fan of homosexual sex, but I definitely am gay. I told him all this in the beginning, but I went that extra mile for him because I love him and wanted him to be happy. A couple months in I couldn’t bear it anymore and it needed to stop, so at that point we would only do so much, and not frequently because I don’t really enjoy it. A little bit further in time and now we don’t really do it at all, it stresses me out to much and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This has led me to believe that I am somewhat asexual. I expressed this to him and he understood, now there is a clear line between what we can do and not do, but he is unhappy with the lack of sex mostly because he feels like he’s missing out on life.

I was fairly attracted to my boyfriend in the beginning, but we have both physically changed quite a bit and now, I am no longer sexually attracted to him and it might be the reason why I can’t do anything at all anymore. This may be why it stresses me out so much.

Lastly, I’ve discovered that although I love my boyfriend and will certainly always put him at the top of my priorities, I genuinely enjoy flirting with others and getting to know them. I don’t care to kiss and obviously sexual, but the process of getting to know somebody and that period of flirting feels so great. I’ve started to believe now that I might have a desire to be polyamorous, something he is totally not on board with.

I feel bad, I feel like I’m hurting him with these desires and lack of sexuality, it’s not fair to him. I’ve offered to bargain but he wants this idealistic stereotypical standard definition monogomous relationship and he loves me but not more than he loves what a monogomous relationship is.

We’ve discussed breaking up, a possible solution but we love each other and shouldn’t have to put our relationship down over it. I’ve also brought up an open relationship so he can hook up with others but he doesn’t want it.

I am at a loss for what to do, I dont want to hurt him or waste his time but I love him and don’t want to loose him. He wants what he wants without any changes and I’m afraid that if I commit to him that it would destroy us as well as our relationship.

I don’t want to burn this amazing bridge that we’ve built, but my desires have changed so much and he doesn’t share them.

Thank you!

Mid-Relationship Crisis

DEAR MID-RELATIONSHIP CRISIS: There’s a trope in our culture that’s become somewhat universal, MRC, and I kind of hate it: the idea that love is the only thing you need to make a relationship work. It makes for memorable pop songs (and bad poetry) but poor relationships. Love is a cornerstone to a relationship’s long-term success, yes, but it’s not the ONLY factor. Nor, for that matter, is it the most crucial one. Mutual respect, compatible lifestyles, beliefs and goals, and of course, sexual compatibility are all vital for making a relationship work.

But there’s another factor that nobody ever really talks about: the fact that people change and grow and the way that affects the relationship. Humans are protean creatures; we’re never the same person from one minute to the next and sometimes those changes mean that what works for you now may not work in the future.

When we don’t acknowledge that those changes happen, we make it harder for the relationship to grow and change with us. Relationships are living things too, and the ones that last in the long term are the ones that are flexible enough to change as the people involved in them do too.

This is no small part about what’s happened with you and your boyfriend, MRC. The things that brought you together in the beginning are great… but you’re not the same person you were when this relationship started. And in fairness: you warned your boyfriend up front that you’re not a sexual person. You were willing to give it the old college try for his sake but at the end of the day, this was simply something you couldn’t do any more. And while it’s true any physical changes that come with both time and settling down may have affected your willingness to keep trying, it sounds more like you’ve just reached a point where you just couldn’t any more.

And that’s real. That’s valid. While it’s good to be what Dan Savage calls Good (in bed), Giving (of pleasure) and Game (to try things, within reason), there’s also a point where you have to be willing to admit to yourself that you just can’t do some things. And for you, that may well be sex.

The other issue at hand is the that while you may be asexual – and I suggest you check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network – you’re not necessarily aromantic. In fact you, like many people, thrive best with the thrill of what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. You love the emotional excitement of flirting and the novelty of a new partner, even if you’re not necessarily getting a sexual charge out of it. And again: that’s valid. That’s part of who you are. If that’s the sort of dynamic you need in your relationships to be happy, then hey, you do you, my dude.

But the things that you need to be happy in a relationship aren’t the things that your boyfriend needs. He wants a sexual connection with the person he’s in love with. He’s a happy monogomist. These are also real, valid and good. The problem is that… well, these are things that you can’t give him. You’ve tried to find compromises that worked for both of you and that hasn’t worked out either. That doesn’t make you a bad guy any more than it makes him the bad guy for not being able to be happy with what you can give him. It just means that you two may well legitimately love one another… but you simply can’t give each other what you need to be happy. Which sucks.

It’s always sad when a relationship can be loving and committed but still not work in the long term.

However, this leads to another destructive relationship trope: that a relationship that doesn’t last a lifetime is somehow bad or inferior. We’re awash in stories about Happily Ever After and loves that last Until Death Do We Part, and treat the ones that end in break-ups as tragedies. This is actually both sad and incredibly unrealistic. In promoting the idea that the only love that counts is the one that ends with one of you dying in the saddle, we devalue relationships that are loving and rewarding and short. While it’s a shame that the two of you need different things in a relationship, that doesn’t mean that you’ve wasted two years of your life. I’d say it’s quite the opposite: you two had two great years together. To quote the sage: one year of love is better than a lifetime alone. If the two of you have to end things – and I’m going to be honest, that’s where this is going – then if you can look back on your time together with fondness and hold on to the affection and respect you had for one another? Then that relationship is a success in my book. The fact that you didn’t leave the relationship feet first doesn’t negate all the good that you two had together.

I wish I had better advice for you, but the fact is, you’re right, MRC: trying to commit to what he needs will break the two of you. You’re trying to make the proverbial square peg fit into a round hole. Trying to make the relationship work out of some desire to prove that it can work, even when your basic needs are different, is a great way to foster bitterness and resentment. It’s better to part now, when you still have those positive feelings for one another, than trying to ride the relationship into the ground in an attempt to defy gravity.

But again: the fact that it seems like a break-up is in your future doesn’t mean that the relationship failed, or that your time was wasted. Not every relationship needs to be for a lifetime to be valid; not every commitment needs to be unto death in order to be sincere and real. As I’m always fond of saying: not every love story needs to be an epic poem. Some of them are only ever meant to be short stories. Some are just meant to be a dirty limerick. And that’s fine.

What’s not fine is trying to force yourself to be happy with something that, ultimately, you can’t be happy with. If you want to hold on to your love for your boyfriend… you’re going to have to let go of your relationship with him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I never thought I’d say this, but I think I’m getting too comfortable being single. And that is not code for “I’m having all the casual sex” – since breaking up with my ex about eight months ago, I haven’t had any sex at all, and while I would like to I’ve mostly just been thinking of other things. I’ve been working on my life and enjoying experiences I wasn’t able to enjoy during my previous relationship; I have hobbies, take classes, got a new job, lost about 30 kg/66 pounds, and am really enjoying life.

For context: I’m 27, and my last partner (~2 year relationship) had serious jealousy issues after one of her exes cheated on her. She was very insecure and very, very controlling of me, to the point where I lost touch with all the friends I had had before because soothing her anxiety that I was cheating on her when I was just hanging out with friends was exhausting, and I ended up living in fear of her exploding at me if I glanced the wrong way at a woman on a billboard. She always wanted me paying attention to her, so my ability to pursue any of my hobbies collapsed, and she looked down on the hobbies I tried to maintain anyway. And she didn’t like my dietary habits, and guilted me into eat things I wasn’t comfortable eating in quantities I knew weren’t good for me, sometimes because she thought I “needed” it (I don’t need giant buttered potatoes on the regular, thanks) and sometimes because she wanted to eat something she knew wasn’t healthy but didn’t want to feel like I was judging her by not partaking. Those 30 kg I’ve lost? They weren’t there before the relationship.

So now I’m single and I don’t need to make any compromises any more. I have all the autonomy I never had in my last relationship, I can pursue any hobbies or interests I want, I can take classes and volunteer and go to community events, I can eat what makes me feel healthy and happy, and I can interact normally with other human beings without feeling like I’m being evaluated for signs of betrayal. It’s great!

It’s so great that when I recently started looking into the dating pool again, when I meet women who seem nice, I start to get really really hesitant. I do want to have someone I can share an intimate emotional bond with, and I do miss having a sexual partner, but I feel like I would end up having to close up shop in the rest of my life and submit myself to constant scrutiny if I started another relationship.

I know not everybody is my ex, but damned if it isn’t hard to feel like any relationship I get into will inevitably end up making me cut off some piece or another of my life that helps me feel fulfilled and happy now. And to some extent that’s okay – I imagine you’re trading some autonomy and space for the security and joy of a happy partnership. But I’m at a place now where I’m concerned the price is going to be too steep no matter who I end up with, and I know this isn’t a healthy place for my mind to be sitting. How can I be more thoughtful in pursuing relationships that won’t screw up my entire life, while also managing my expectations for how much compromise I’m going to need to make if I want a partner again?

Slap some sense into me with your nicely framed diploma, Doc.

-Too Happily Single

DEAR TOO HAPPILY SINGLE: There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being single for a while, THS. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with wanting strictly casual relationships if that’s your thing. If you just want to go live your own life and not have to worry about trying to fit another person into it, then by all means, you do you. That’s totally fair.

However, I would caution you against cutting yourself off from relationships out of fear of every woman being like your ex. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get why you feel the way you do. I’ve been in toxic relationships before that left me gun-shy for quite a while. It can take some time to undo the whammy your ex put on you and recognize that not everyone is like her. But you can get past it, if you’re willing to try.

So here’s what I’d suggest for you: take some time to just live your life. Date casually, with no expectation of commitment. Have no-strings sex if that’s what you want, or dates that are about going out and doing things together rather than looking to sharing your life with someone. But while you’re enjoying your life, just… pay attention. Notice how different these women are from your ex and how they’re not making demands of you. That’s all.

It’s true that there’s no settling down without settling for – if you’re going to share your life with someone, that means sharing their life too and making compromises. But by the same token, that doesn’t mean that you’re giving up your autonomy; it just means that you’re making different choices with your time because you care about your partner. That’s all. Yeah, it can take work, but it’s also not hard labor either.

But it’s totally ok if you’re not ready to date like that again. And hey, if you’re happy never doing that again, then you do you; that’s valid. Take some “me” time, let yourself recover and just live your life. You’ll know when – and if – you’re ready to date again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)