Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion of familial sexual abuse.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that I’m not quite sure how to handle. TL;DR: There’s a pretty heavy subject I am contemplating raising with my partner but I’m not sure how to go about it.

To explain, I (he/him) have been seeing my girlfriend since last fall. We’re both in our early 40s. Overall things have been great and we have been very good at communicating with each other. We’ve both been open about the fact that we think our relationship has long-term potential and we made the joint decision, fairly early on, to be exclusive.

About a month into things, she opened up about the fact that she was coping with some pretty significant past trauma issues. She wasn’t specific, and, to be honest, she still hasn’t really directly told me what this past trauma consists of. She’s mentioned a strained relationship with her parents, specifically her mother (I’ve met them both several times, and I get along with them really well); the way she tells it, the strain comes from them 1.) being extremely emotionally distant during her childhood (her words) and 2.) having to bail her out of some past mental health crises and losing patience with her (again, her words).

She also has an older brother (they’re a year apart in age) who lives several hours away (she and her parents live in the same town), and apparently they go through long periods of not speaking (when we started dating, she hadn’t spoken to him in almost 5 years and hadn’t seen him in 8). This is where my question/concern comes in. She’s made a lot of statements about her brother that make me wonder if this trauma is centered around him. For example, we were planning to join her parents on a trip to spend the holidays with him and his family, but at the last second she canceled the whole trip because she couldn’t find an acceptable place to stay in the area. This seemed kind of weird to me, because I’d found several possibilities, but she nixed them all for one reason or another. I could tell the trip was causing a ton of anxiety for her so I just let the whole thing drop and went with what she wanted without making a big deal out of it.

She’s also told me on more than one occasion that she has always been afraid of her brother, that growing up he had a really bad temper, and once she even commented, “When we were kids my brother would lie in wait so he could attack me.” Which… just struck me as a really strange (i.e., concerning) way to talk about their childhood conflicts. Finally, she’s also told me she’s had a recurring nightmare for several years in which her brother is sexually assaulting her.

I suppose you can guess where I’m going with this. I strongly suspect her brother has sexually assaulted her but I’m not sure how to go about asking her about this.

I’m feeling this trauma tension within our sex life. Sometimes after particularly great sex, when I’ve really felt us connect during the act, she becomes really anxious and withdrawn afterwards. This feels so much worse than if the sex was just not good, you know? I have asked her if there is anything I might be doing that makes her feel uncomfortable, or triggered, but she has always denied that, saying she feels very comfortable with me, and that she ”love[s] our sex,” but that past experiences come up sometimes that have nothing to do with me. (She put it as, “I have some issues around sex that I am still processing”).

 This has happened a few times, and I’ll be honest, it’s heartbreaking, to see her face go from pleasure to pain like that, and to know that I might be (unintentionally) the cause. I try to take her at her word, but … I still wonder if I actually am a trigger and that she doesn’t know how (or doesn’t want) to tell me.

Doc, I’m not sure how to talk to her about this because I don’t want to trigger a trauma reaction if it’s true (or even if it’s not). I should add that she does have a therapist, as do I. I guess I am just asking for your perspective on how to approach this topic with her. Is this a conversation that should maybe be had in couples counseling, rather than me try to do it on my own? And, though I’m afraid to ask, do you think this situation, if the things I suspect are true, might end up being one of those deal-breaking situations where the relationship has to end because there’s an insurmountable issue that is no one’s fault? (God, I hope not.)

Thanks for any thoughts you might have.

Untold Stories

DEAR UNTOLD STORIES: This is going to sound like a weird digression, but stick with me for a second.

I’m a fan of mysteries. TV shows, movies, novels; I love a good whodunnit, a good whydunnit and especially a howdunnit. And despite being almost dangerously genre savvy, I get the who or how wrong at least 50% of the time. The problem is… well, I’m a bit too genre savvy and I keep thinking “Nah, that can’t be where things are going, it’s gotta be more clever than that.” Except, more often than not, the author, director or showrunner isn’t creating the story for someone like me, who’s read and seen so many stories, they’re writing for a mass audience. I keep trying to be more clever than the source actually is calling for and as a result, I usually get wrapped around the axle of my pet crazy theory that ends up being completely wrong.

The reason I bring this up is because I think you’re doing the same thing; you’re taking what she’s saying and trying to make leaps based on your personal theories and not about what she’s actually told you. The problem is that because you’ve got these theories in your mind, they’re starting to affect your relationship… and to a certain extent, you’re starting to make it about you more than about her.

Let’s break down what we actually know, and then I’ll point out precisely where things are going wrong.

We know — because she told you — that your girlfriend has dealt with some pretty significant trauma. We know that she has a complicated relationship with her parents that makes it hard for her to trust them. We know that they weren’t necessarily the most affectionate or attentive, and that they treated her mental health as an inconvenience to them.

We also know that she has a strained, at best, relationship with her brother. We know her brother as aggressive towards her and possibly physically violent — not just in the way that siblings can be, but causing actual harm. We also know that she has recurring nightmares about her brother assaulting her sexually.

The part where things go wrong is where you leap from the known to speculation. And in fairness, some of what you bring up fits an all-to-familiar pattern. A survivor of familial sexual abuse, whose family either tried to ignore or deny that the abuse was happening and/or treats the victim’s trauma as an inconvenience is, unfortunately, distressingly common. But while it can feel like this is the right answer, you don’t know. You don’t know what her mental health crises were. You don’t know why she suddenly had an anxiety attack about the trip, you don’t know what her issues around sex are.

Could they be responses to sexual trauma? Sure, it’s plausible. But it’s also plausible that this could be anything from having been raped by a boyfriend, a miscarriage, or a profoundly sex-negative upbringing that left her feeling conflicted about sex and her own sexuality. Or it could even be as mundane as a relationship that went bad and she’s not entirely over it.

The problem is that you’re not just leaping to conclusions, but you’re starting to bend all the evidence towards the conclusion you’ve decided on. And, just as importantly, you’re also starting to make this more about you than about her. Because now it’s becoming about how you are triggering this and what your responsibility is in all of this and what do you need to do about it?

And here’s why that’s a problem: the way you’re going about this is effectively saying that you don’t trust your girlfriend. You aren’t trusting her girlfriend to know herself and her trauma, you apparently aren’t trusting her to tell you the truth about how she feels, and you apparently aren’t trusting her to not do something that hurts her. Because you’re more than half-convinced that she’s been molested by her brother — which, again, you don’t know — you’re actively looking for signs that things are wrong. So when she tells you that no, she thinks the sex is great, you’ve got it in the back of your mind that she’s lying to you. Because… reasons. And you’re taking on unnecessary guilt and responsibility because, well, you’ve built a narrative in your head. While it may be about her, it’s focusing on you and taking away her agency.

I mean, I’m sure you’re a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but I’m kind of doubting that you’re SO amazing that she’s going to be ok with re-traumatizing herself over and over just to keep dating you. It’s very clear that she’s put a lot of effort into dealing with her trauma and her history. You have to trust that, as a grown-ass woman, she knows what she’s doing. Especially as a grown-ass woman who is aware of her trauma, is working with a therapist and has been putting in the work to heal herself.

And not to put too fine a point on it: if we assume that she was raped by her brother, you’re falling into the trope that survivors of sexual violence are effectively made of spun glass and that the slightest thing will destroy them again. That isn’t the case in general and — again, assuming that’s what happened — it certainly isn’t the case with your girlfriend. She’s clearly stronger than you’re giving her credit for.

Plus, while it’s admirable that you worry that you may be causing her unintentional harm, asking her “hey, did your brother molest you?” isn’t the way to go about it. Even if you’re 100% correct, it’s pretty clear that she’s not ready to tell you what happened. Pushing her to tell you before she’s ready is incredibly inconsiderate at best, and potentially harmful at worst. Especially if you’re wrong.

Here’s what you do:

First: DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE WAS ABUSED BY HER BROTHER. Do not hint at it, do not ask around it or ask about her trauma. If she feels the time is right for you to know — or if she even wants to discuss it with you at all — then she’ll decide when, where and how.

Second: Trust your girlfriend to know herself well enough to take care of herself. She doesn’t need you treating her like she’s damaged or broken or fragile. She needs you to act like her partner.

Third: Be patient. If you want her to trust you and open up to you about what happened, then you’re going to need to let her do this in her own time and at her own pace. Earn her trust by proving worthy of it… and by trusting her.

Fourth: If you want to help her, then be the help she needs. Tell her “hey, if there’s anything you need from me or there’s anything I can do or you need me to do differently, then all you have to do is ask.” And keep in mind that what she is more likely to need from you is for you to just listen, without judgment, without comment or without offering solutions or ideas. Sometimes the best way you can help someone is to simply listen and believe.

Your girlfriend’s history is hers. It’s her story to tell as she chooses, or chooses not to. Trying to force the issue, even in the name of concern for her and your relationship is only going to go badly for everybody.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I literally have one of the most trivial problems of all time, but it’s something that has been very difficult for me to forget/get over, which is obviously why I’m writing.

So, of course, I’m a big nerd, and one of my nerdy passions is TV and film. I admit that my tastes can edge toward the snobby side, but I’m not opposed to some ridiculous, crude, absurd stuff either. (Think Tim and Eric and the like.)

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months, and it’s become clear that we really don’t have the same tastes in this regard, which was fine- we can watch our stuff separately, no need to involve the other.

So here’s my super trivial problem: The other night we got together to watch a movie. He showed me a trailer, and it was awful. He seemed to think it was funny, so I was kind and gentle when he asked me about it, though I did voice that I didn’t think it looked very good and I didn’t want to watch it. He immediately proceeds to buy the movie and start playing it for us to watch together.

It was more terrible than the preview even made it out to be! And I’m not talking bad, like MST3K or campy/cult bad (which is good!), I’m talking bad like all you could really do was stare at the TV and feel complete pity for every single actor involved. Not even one single chuckle – just staring straight ahead, wondering how on earth this steaming pile of s

t ever came to be in the first place, and how on earth anyone who signed on thought it would be a good idea.

So, a scene comes up that happens to feature one of my favorite British comedians. I ask if we can please stop it, because by this point I know I will never be able to un-see this and I will lose major respect for this person I really admire. He stops it, then asks me “Will this make you hate him forever?” and I answer truthfully, “Yes, probably…”. So he plays the rest of the movie anyway.

Here’s the worst of it- he starts kissing me after the movie, obviously thinking we’re going to have sex, but this movie was so bad that it was an absolute lady-boner killer, and I am dry as a desert and clenched up like a vice. I make some small excuse so as to not hurt his feelings, and we cuddle and go to sleep for the night.

Now the problem – he is insistent it is an amazing movie and won’t stop talking about it. He even went to the theatre to see it when it was originally released, so he’d seen it before! He said he bought it and played it because he thought I would like it. Now I feel like he just doesn’t understand my tastes in the slightest, that he doesn’t listen to me, and I am also questioning his judgment and our compatibility, because it turns out most of the movies and TV he enjoys are right along this level.

I know this sounds trivial and ridiculous, but one of my favorite things in life is having a partner who I can have real discussions with about the things we watch. This may be the lamest reason in the world to break up with someone, but I am starting to feel like it’s what I need to do. I have confided in some friends, and they all think it’s ridiculous, but I reminded them that they haven’t seen this movie or been forced to watch it, and honestly I think they’d make some hard life decisions too if they had. (Being somewhat facetious, but also not, here…)

So, what? Am I the biggest snob in the world, or can this awful taste in cinema be enough for me to call it quits?

Signed

Move on 43

DEAR MOVE ON 43: You can break up with someone for literally any reason. If you decide that something is a dealbreaker, then hey, that’s a dealbreaker. There is no High Council of Relationships that will decide that your reason for breaking up with someone is insufficient and thus you are forced to stay with him. Can’t stand his politics? Go for it. Don’t like his parents? Yeah, I can see how that’d be a problem. Dude’s nose whistles when he breathes and it drives you crazy? You do you.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be people out there who may think you reason is bad or stupid or what-not. Hell, half of the appeal of Reddit’s “Am I The Asshole” forum is for strangers to sit in voyeuristic judgement of other people’s relationships. But the judgement of strangers — or even your friends — isn’t a meaningful metric to decide what you should and shouldn’t do with your relationship. Relationships aren’t a democracy, nor are they a forum for public participation. People can have their opinions and they can also keep their opinions to themselves.

Now to be fair: it’s certainly possible to be picky or finicky to the point that you’ve filtered your potential dating pool down to single digits. If you’re regularly breaking up with people for seemingly shallow reasons, or leaving relationships you otherwise enjoy because of some minor problem, then it can be a good idea to interrogate just why you’re being so picky and whether you’re letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. But by the same token: if that seemingly small or shallow thing has makes dating them intolerable, then you aren’t doing yourself or your partner any favors by trying to stick around to prove that you’re a “better” person.

Now that having been said: while his taste in movies may be abominable (seriously, if it’s the movie I think it is, finding it HILARIOUS is probably a sign to run for the hills), but the bigger red flag is that he ignored literally every sign, signal and verbal confirmation that you hated this. That’s an indicator that he doesn’t seem to take your comfort or preferences seriously which ain’t a good look. It’s not a dump-him-and-run-for-the-hills level offense, but it’s certainly something to add to the equation of whether you’re considering if this is a relationship worth keeping.

But hey, look at it this way: by breaking up with this dude, you’re setting him free so that he can find himself a girlfriend who loves the same cringe humor and lowbrow comedy he does. Really, when you think about it, you’re doing him a favor. He’s now free to enjoy the movies he loves without feeling the hate radiating off you like gamma rays and you’re able to find somebody who’s tastes and sense of humor are more compatible with yours.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So after having no relationship or sexually experience I recently hit all the check marks (losing weight, positive thinking, social confidence etc…) and things were going great! I met a great girl, attracted her, went out on dates. Then, out of the middle of nowhere one night, she wanted to sleep with me:

“What…?”

Literally straight out of a movie. Quirky entrance into the house where we climbed through a window, wine on the pants followed by “let’s get those off”, followed by “come sleep in the bed with me”. Except unlike in the movies, I wasn’t completely ready, got too in my own head, panicked, and slept on the couch. The attraction fizzled and the relationship never went anywhere.

And ever since I’ve been fumbling EVERYTHING. My confidence slid, I’m not as smooth as I was before, can’t really get a date, and I’ve just been on a rocky road for some months now. Because in my head that night was what it was all leading up to, and if I can’t deliver then, how can I deliver ever? I still feel like deep down any second I’m going to be revealed as a fraud and slip permanently even after working so hard.

How do I get back on track?

Thanks!

Fumbled the Touchdown

DEAR FUMBLED THE TOUCHDOWN: It’s understandable that you’re having self-esteem issues, FtT. There you are, about to have the sort of first time experience that you only expect to see in 80s boner-jams… and you just can’t make it happen. Not only that, but apparently you wiff so hard that the entire relationship fizzles out and now you’re left feeling like all of the experience and good times you had up to that point went with it.

But that’s not it. That’s not it at all. The fact that things didn’t play out exactly the way you hoped or dreamed doesn’t mean that you’re screwed (er… as it were) and you can never manage to achieve anything.

I mean, hell, if we look at this from the lens of raunchy teen-sex comedies… well, this was the 2nd act twist. This was the point of “OH HE’S GONNA MAKE IT!” and then there are misunderstandings, wacky hijinx and now you’re left running out the door with your pants in one hand and your junk in the other. But the whole point of that near miss wasn’t that it sets him back to zero; it’s that it sets him up for the real first time that’s gonna come with the third act and the person who’s actually right for him.

(Unless we’re talking The Last American Virgin, which is almost traumatic in its nihilistic realism at the end… but that’s a different rant entirely).

I don’t think you’re in nearly as bad shape as you think you are, FTT. I think you’re taking things far more seriously than they actually are and the feeling that you “couldn’t deliver” is screwing with you. But the thing is: this isn’t a case of “you couldn’t deliver”, such as it is. It’s that, for some reason, this didn’t feel right to you or you just weren’t ready for it. That’s all. That doesn’t make you less of a man or a failure, it just means that this specific instance wasn’t going to work. And honestly, if you had a little more experience, you probably would’ve been able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. In this case — because hindsight is 20/20 — if you’d opted to sleep in bed with your partner at the time instead of running for the couch, you two would’ve woken up in the morning and had the opportunity for another go. You could have said “hey, I seem to be having an issue/a little too much to drink, how about we sleep on it” and then been golden.

But that’s for next time.

What you need to do first is see if you can dig into just why you panicked. Was it a case of deservedness, where you felt like you didn’t deserve to lose your virginity to her? Was it a fear that you wouldn’t have been any good in bed? Perhaps this wasn’t how you wanted to lose your virginity, which is completely valid. The more you can interrogate why you were so in your own head and why this incident threw you for a loop, the more you’ll understand what triggered things. Understand that and you have a two-pronged approach. In the short term, if you know your triggers, you’re in a better position to find ways to avoid them. That way, when the opportunity arises again — and it will arise again — then you’ll be ready and willing and able to avoid stepping on those landmines on the way to the bed. In the long term, understanding the root cause means that you can address that anxiety directly and work towards becoming even more confident and self-assured.

But the thing to keep in mind: this is just a bump in the road FtT, a 2nd act twist to make the audience feel even more invested in the hero’s inevitable success. What happened in the moment was just that: the moment. It’s neither permanent nor an indication that you’re less of a man in any way, shape or form. It may help to take the expectation for sex off the table for a bit. Go out, date and have experiences… but do so just with the intention of going on dates and having experiences. Taking the pressure off yourself to perform can help ease your anxiety and make it easier to just focus on connecting and enjoying your time with your date.

And if things go your way… well, this time, you’ll be much more relaxed, much more confident and ready to have an incredible experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com