DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26 year old college guy from NYC. Found you on Spotify so I’d thought I’d reach out. I saw you posted some interesting posts and found the courage to ask. 

Due to my religious beliefs, I do not and have not engaged in premarital activity with a partner, since that I’m reserving for my spouse to be. Being the case, my self-consciousness about when that time will come – and whether I’ll be goofing around in bed and making a fool of myself, and whether I have what it takes to please does occupy my mind quite a lot.

I’m super self conscious particularly about my male organ and it’s length – being that I hear that’s a sign of masculinity and was wondering if you’d care to let me know – a one time thing – if my member (a pic I’d send) seems large enough to engage with and please someone. This is coming from someone who doesn’t masturbate much and hasn’t explored that area – again, due to religious beliefs. 

Please let me know if that’ll be ok. 

Short Stack

DEAR SHORT STACK: Ok first of all SS: thank you for being a non-COVID related letter; this is a much-needed break from being neck-deep in pandemic-related relationship questions.

Second of all, I’m kind of astounded that it took me nearly 8 years before I got a “hey tell me how my dick looks!” email; I’m fairly certain that most of my female colleagues in the advice industry got one as soon as they decided to start a column.

But no, SS, don’t send me any pictures. I don’t need to see it, and sending me photos won’t actually be of any use outside of an aesthetic critique of your photography skills… and you don’t want that. But more importantly, my opinion on the matter isn’t going to make a damned bit of difference. What you need are facts.

So here’s a fact for you: according to a study by The British Journal of Urology International, the average penis is approximately 5.16 inches long and approximately 4.95 inches in circumference while erect. People who fall outside of the standard deviation (that is, anyone with a penis longer than 6.3 inches erect or smaller than 3.94 inches) are uncommon; only 5 people out of 100 would fall on either side of average. So you’re almost certainly somewhere near the center of that particular bell-curve… like most folks out there.

And there’s no correlation between penis size and masculinity, testosterone levels, shoe-size or any other indicator of anything other than the genetic lottery. So having a penis of any size is just an indicator that you have a penis of that particular size. There’s no actual judgement about the person that you can derive from it. You can, however, make some critical judgments about people who’ll give you s

t for it… mostly that they’re a

holes.

Similarly, there’s no correlation between penis size and pleasure during intercourse. While there are men and women out there who like ’em big and girthy, that’s a matter of personal taste, not a universal truth. And frankly, a lot of women out there will tell you that men with larger dicks are often worse lovers than ones who’re more average or modestly endowed. Dudes with big penises have a tendency to think that they’ve done their part by showing up and assume that their massive wangs will do all the work for them.

In reality, good sex has far less to do with penis size than a can-do attitude and a willingness to listen. The vast majority of women — somewhere between two-thirds to three-fifths — don’t orgasm from penetration alone. Most women require direct clitoral stimulation in order to get off, and penetration by itself is rarely going to give the direct, continual stimulation they need. In fact, the things that make it much more likely for women to achieve orgasm during sex include oral sex, manual stimulation and deep kissing — not penetration. So if you want to be a great lover, then you’re going to need to de-prioritize your dick and think far more about your hands and mouth.

Being a virgin doesn’t mean that you’re automatically going to be bad in bed, any more than having a thousand notches in your bedpost means that you’re some kind of demon lover in the sack. Focus on connecting with your partner, giving them room to share what they need in bed and be willing to take directions without your ego getting caught up in it. And while you’re at it? Start getting familiar with yourself. Masturbation isn’t just a way to get yourself off, it’s a good way to learn about your own needs so that you can share THAT information with your partner as well.

Besides… it’s sex with someone you love.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a middle aged gay man who is friends with a younger straight man from work. We have a number of common interests that have nothing to do with either sex or work, so we spend probably a couple of weekends a month together socially. He and his girlfriend come to my house for dinner once a month or so. I would characterize our relationship as best friends without benefits.

About six months ago I went through a really difficult time in my life and he was there for me completely above and beyond what would have been a reasonable expectation on my part. So much so that I would really like to do something for him to show my appreciation.

The problem is that I can’t figure out what to do for him that would clearly and unambiguously be appreciation rather than interpreted as a sexual come on. I have no desire to change the basic nature of our relationship into a sexual one, which is probably why we are able to be such close friends. I’m afraid that if I do something really extravagant, that it will be misinterpreted and might end our friendship.

So, how does a gay guy extravagantly show appreciation to a younger straight guy in such a way that the straight guy understands that it’s appreciation and nothing more?

That’s What I Appreciates About You

DEAR THAT’S WHAT I APPRECIATES ABOUT YOU: Honestly, dude, I think you’re overthinking things. If you and your bud are as close and on as good terms as you say you are, I don’t think there’s much risk of his thinking that you’re hitting on him or hinting that you want more than friendship. I mean, if you’re buying him tickets for the two of you to take a trip to the Riviera together, that might raise some questions. But a simple gift — or even just telling him that you appreciate him and what he’s done for you — would hardly be out of line, nor is it likely to be misinterpreted. I don’t think you need to buy him some incredible gift to let him know that his friendship is important to you. I imagine just using your words would be more than sufficient and be just as welcome and appreciated as any present.

But if you really want to get him a gift, then think simple and heartfelt. Maybe a bottle of his favorite booze, a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant so that you can treat him to dinner when social distancing is lifted and we can all go out to eat again… these are all gifts that he’s most likely to take at face value. Include a note saying “thank you for being a friend” and you’re good to go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years.  We have been so happy and I have not felt any issues in my relationship. If anything, I felt he was more affectionate in our relationship. Sex has been great and regular.

2 weeks ago, we went on a snowboarding holiday. It wasn’t the best holiday (due to weather and place) but we just got on with it. On the last day, I noticed a girl had messaged him asking if he is having a good ski holiday. Obviously I thought it was weird and asked him why a girl is messaging him that. Maybe asked in a angry way, but I felt it was very odd and had never seen her message before.

He replied with she’s a girl from work, trying to make friends with everyone. After a 2 hour cab journey in silence. I got over it and left it. I apologised if I seemed angry and just explained how I saw it was weird. But I don’t think he has gotten over it.

When we come back, out of the blue he now thinks we have nothing in common and he has no feelings for me and can’t be bothered with the relationship anymore?! Unfortunately this happened the day the UK went into lockdown, and we are living together. We sat down and chatted about it, I explained that it is possibly to do with everything going on around the world at the moment. He is insisting that it’s not and it’s the way he feels. He hasn’t kissed me and doesn’t cuddle me in bed anymore. I am giving him as much space as I can, during this time.

How can I get him to see that it just a pissed off stage and that we are actually ok?

Stuck In Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN LIMBO: I think that you’re looking at a false dichotomy here, SiL. It doesn’t have to be an either/or situation — that either it’s the COVID-19 pandemic that’s got your boyfriend down OR he genuinely feels like he’s checked out of this relationship. It’s entirely possible for both things to be true: he’s been having doubts about this relationship and the circumstances of life under quarantine are exacerbating negative feelings.

And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not sure things are ok.

Let’s look at what brought you to this place. There are times when it seems like a person’s reaction vastly outweighs the circumstances that triggered that reaction. Take, for example, that one tiff seems to have caused your boyfriend to feel that he’s not that into you right now. That seems like it would be a bit of an overreaction to a fairly petty squabble. If all it took for him to suddenly decide that your relationship is over and he actually doesn’t like you all that much because you had one fight… well, honestly, I’d wonder how the hell you got through four years together. That would be a pretty big indicator that this was not the strongest of relationships to start with.

And while it’s not impossible that you two have managed to thread that particular needle consistently for four years — hey, in an infinite universe, weird s

t can happen — it’s pretty unlikely.

The odds are better that this is something that’s been bubbling for a while now, and that the fight you had at the end of your holiday was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

But at the same time, I’ve got a suspicion that this fight wasn’t a first for you two either. Maybe I’m wrong, but getting on his case for someone asking him an incredibly benign, even banal question seems like something that would be kinda weird coming out of the clear blue sky. Getting your nose out of joint over someone you don’t know saying “hey, had a good time on your trip?” is as much of an overreaction as one fight being all it took to end the relationship. And if this were literally the first time this ever happened… well, that’d be another marker in the “it seems like you two stayed together through sheer luck” scoreboard.

So I think you may need to take a long hard look at how you both have been acting and feeling over the last few months, even the last year. If this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten suspicious or jealous about people he knows, then it could well be that this has been a grievance he’s been sitting with for a while.

The question here is whether it’s even possible to pull things back from the brink, especially since the world is on lockdown and the two of you are stuck with one another. Normally in these circumstances, I’d advocate for having an Awkward Conversation, where you explain how you’re feeling, what you would need or want and how that would make the relationship better, before giving him a chance to share his side of things.

That ain’t gonna work here. You’re going to need to actually do the inverse. You’ve done a lot of explaining to him how he feels or should feel and that’s not helping. Trying to fix things between the two of you is going to involve a lot less talking and a lot more listening. If he’s having doubts and believes his feelings have changed, then you’re going to need to give him room to share how he feels. And that means just listening, without trying to correct him, object to his interpretation of things or otherwise steer the conversation. It sounds to me like he’s got a lot of things on his mind and things he hasn’t said. And honestly, it’ll probably hurt like hell to hear them. But like lancing a boil, you’re going to have to put up with the unpleasantness in order to get to the healing.

And that’s assuming he wants to make things work.

Look, I’m not gonna lie: this is a Hail Mary pass at best. He may not be interested in trying to fix things. But if you are going to make the attempt — or at least be able to live together temporarily until you can find another option — then you’re going to have to have a moment to let him unburden himself and then see where you two stand.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why have I been having girls that give me their numbers but never return my phone calls/texts when I call/text?

This has been happening to me several times already where I talk to a girl and we really hit it off right (e.g. I don’t walk on eggshells talking to her, there are no inconsistent “silent gaps” throughout our conversations, I am open with myself without any reservations, etc.). Throughout our conversation, it seems like we are getting along with one another and really getting to know each other and then when the night ends, I ask for her number and she gives it to me and we exchange numbers and even exchange hugs too.

And then after I call/text her, the next day or 2 I don’t hear back from her. Normally I just think to myself “hmm, she must be busy or might have not gotten the text or voicemail. And then I call her back again and leave a message and play the waiting game 2 more times just to not ever hear from her again.

I know that I should not be taking this personally but what bugs me is that this situation has happened to me 3 – 4 times already. I have tried to change my conversation topics (no talking about sex, about dating history, about who she’s currently seeing, about family, about anything that is deemed personal, not talking about my interests in dancing and letting her talk the whole time). I have even ruled out meeting women at bars and clubs and other places where women are likely to be defensive when being approached (coffee places, malls, bookstores, etc.) and only going to bars and clubs to practice my dancing for upcoming battles and competitions.

Why has this been happening to me and what can I do to turn numbers into dates?

Call Waiting

DEAR CALL WAITING: It’s a little hard to answer questions like this without actively following you around, like a dating version of David Attenborough.

That being said, there could be a number of issues going on here.

First and foremost: if you’ve ruled out meeting women at bars, clubs, coffee shops, bookstores and other places where you fear that women may not be open to being approached and meeting people… where exactly are you meeting people that you’re having these long conversations? Location and timing can mean everything. If you’re meeting women at parties, say, you were likely not the only person who she’d been talking to. Hell, depending on the people involved, you may well not be the only person she’s given her number to that evening. If she’s been drinking, it’s possible she may not remember you all that well; now she’s getting texts from somebody who she met that she doesn’t remember and just ignores ’em.

Similarly, even if booze wasn’t involved, you may not have made that much of an impression to stand out in her memory. This is one of the reasons why I advocate using a little callback humor and teasing nicknames when you text them for the first time. “Hey Red, it’s CW from last night. I’ve decided I forgive you for insulting my shoes, but only if you admit you were wrong about Donna being the worst companion,” is more memorable – and less wishy-washy than “Hey, it’s CW from that party last night? We talked for hours about Doctor Who by the snack table and you spilled your drink on my shoes, so hey call me some time?”

You also don’t say how long you wait before calling or texting. If you wait too long (like the completely asinine “three day rule” that arose from Swingers and it’s ilk) then in all likelihood she will assume you’re not interested and have moved on. Worse, by the time you do get around to calling or texting, you’ve lost the emotional momentum and interest you’ve had and now you have to work your way back up from zero. 

Personally, I like texting (which is less intimate and lower investment, thus more likely to get a response) the same day I get a woman’s number just to keep the conversation going and her interest engaged. I don’t necessarily recommend trying to keep the conversation going well past it’s natural lifespan – that only gets awkward – but establishing contact early helps maintain the level of interest that she had initially.

Now here’s a big mistake you’re making: you’re calling more than once. Let’s be real here: yes, things can go wonky and texts and voice mails can get delayed or even lost in the ether… but it doesn’t happen regularly. Odds are that if you texted or called her, she got it. She just isn’t that interested in calling you back right then and there. Calling or texting again really isn’t going to help; if anything, it’s going to make you look needy and desperate. The best thing you can do if you’re leaving a message is to leave a hook. My favorite: “Hey $NICKNAME, it’s CW. You wouldn’t believe what happened after you left last night. Call me later.” It’s an obvious hook, but it’s going to pique her curiosity… and if she’s going to call you out on it, at least that means she’s going to call you back to do so. The only time to play phone tag is if she’s playing too. Otherwise you basically shoot yourself in the foot.

Dr. NerdLove’s rule: only one contact attempt per response. If you text her and she doesn’t text back… well, more or less time to move on. If she texts you back, then you get to volley it back to her. Again: if she doesn’t text back… ok, probably over with. OCCASIONALLY you can reinvigorate a dead or dying contact with what I call a dust-buster – something short and intriguing to shake the dust off the line and see what response you get; personally I like “Hey, I just saw your evil twin!”

All that being said: if she’s digging you when she met you, she’s going to want to call you back. If she doesn’t… well, odds are good that you didn’t do a good enough job flirting and vibing with her before you got her number.

I can’t judge how things were going by what you’ve given in this email, so I can’t tell you whether your problem is what you’re saying or how you’re saying it, but it’s entirely possible that you’re not doing as well as you’d think. In the era of caller ID and voicemail, phone numbers really don’t mean anything. Women (and guys – I’ve known plenty of dudes who’ve done this) will give out their numbers with absolutely no intention of ever picking up. This is why you should always, always make plans before you get the number. If the two of you are vibing as well as you think, then there’s no reason not to propose a date right then and there – not “hey we should hang out some time” but “You know what, I’m really enjoying talking to you. There’s this art exhibition at the McNay this weekend that I’m planning on going to and I think you would really like it. You should totally come with me.” If she’s interested, then you get the number; having definite plans means she is much more likely to pick up when you call than if you have vague, nebulous intentions of doing something maybe. You can then call to just talk, under the pretense of making arrangements.

And if you’re still unsure how to turn numbers into dates… well, then it might not be a bad idea to check out my book, “I Got Her Number… Now What?”, available in print or on Kindle via Amazon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com