DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: your column has helped me tremendously, and as a result I now have a beautiful, smart, geeky, and honest girlfriend.  But is is possible to be too honest?  She’s currently doing some moving around the country, seeing family, trying to find a good art college to attend.  We’re trying the long distance thing, which I’ve done before, unsuccessfully but I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, and she’s worth sticking around for. I’ve spent a lot of time being introspective and listening to this blog and other podcasts on having healthy romantic and sexual relationships. I’ve tossed around the idea of having sex with other people, her as well, and have come to the conclusion that as long as I remain the romantic relationship, is safe, and she’s honest with me, then she can have sex with other people and I won’t get but hurt.  At least I thought that was the case.

As it turns out, there’s an old flame who she’s now living close to.  She’s explained to me that she can’t ever have a romantic relationship with him again because, well he’s an a

hole and not good boyfriend material, but apparently the sex they used to have was other-worldly. I give her props for being honest and telling me this before hand, because now she’s asking me for a pass to be f

k buddies with this guy. I told her to give me a few days to think it over.  

I’m trying not to let my ego cloud my thoughts with jealousy of this supposed sexual master, or to worry that she’s not being honest when she says it wont turn into anything romantic.  

Something is still bothering me about this, and I’m not quite sure which is the best course of action.  Should I give her a pass, should I not?  It seems like she’s doing all the right things by letting me know, but why do I still feel squicked about this?  Is it right to think that this may be a threat to my relationship, and what would be the best way to handle it?

Stressed By The Ex

DEAR STRESSED BY THE EX: Ok, first let’s address the obvious: an open relationship during a pandemic is… not the best or smartest of practices. It’s one thing to have a Quarantine Pod — as it were — of a small group of friends who are the ONLY people you socialize with, because you know that they’re being as safe as folks can be.

No-strings hook-ups, especially in the context of ethical non-monogamy, on the other hand, is a different beast. More often than not, you can’t be sure if the people you or your partner are sleeping with are being as safe and secure as as they would need to be.

Now, if we had reliable testing (that was occurring at such a volume that it didn’t take 10 days to get your results back) and active contact tracing… well maybe it’d be easier to work things out. Get a negative COVID test, practice safe sex practices (no kissing, get kinky and leave the masks on, use positions that keep your faces apart from one another) and hey, you might be able to make things work.

But another thing to keep in mind is that open relationships can be tough under the best of circumstances. They’re very much a varsity level relationship that requires a lot of communication, comprehension, trust and a willingness to be open and honest about your feelings for one another… and that still doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to be able to stick that particular landing. When you’re long-distance as well… well, now you’re playing on hardcore mode, to be perfectly honest. It’s one thing when you or your partner is given the permission to slip the leash while travelling or to have outside partners while you’re in the same city. When you’re living hundreds or thousands of miles apart, with no firm indication of when the two of you are going to be back in proximity again, it’s going to be tougher by orders of magnitude. If you’re prone to jealousy or anxiety regarding who your partner is seeing, and your partner is hundreds or thousands of miles away, it can be hard to ease those feelings and feel secure in your relationship with them.

Part of what makes non-monogamous or monogamish relationships work is the primacy of the core relationship – maintaining that bond of love and emotional intimacy even when one or both of you are seeking sexual intimacy elsewhere. Maintaining that bond while in a long-distance relationship is tough under the best of circumstances. Plenty of couples who do amazingly well while in the same city discover that they can’t make it work when there’s hundreds of miles between them. Trying to maintain it WHILE you’re both actively courting other people… well, thats going to put both of you in a tough spot.

It gets even more complicated when an ex is involved. Now I’m all in favor of remaining on good terms with your exes (presuming that you’ve honestly gotten over them). Exes can — they aren’t guaranteed to be but can be — the best guest stars for threesomes. Depending on your relationship to them and how well you’ve handled the break-up, AND processed your feelings for each other AND you’re both definitely over one another, they can make for a great hook-up partner for those times when you need that itch scratched.

However, returning to an ex for (supposedly) no-strings-attached sex while your significant other lives across the country is another issue entirely. The risks of things getting emotionally complicated start to go up dramatically.

Even if she’s correct and there is just no romantic attraction any more (on her side, at least) the fact that he’s there and you’re not makes it extra complicated. It’s almost like having two boyfriends for the price of one – one to provide emotional intimacy and the other to provide the physical intimacy she craves. Now, I know a lot of folks in the poly community don’t like the idea of hierarchical relationships, but part of what can make an open (if not a polyamorous) relationship work is respecting the primacy of your relationship together. If you are really uncomfortable with her hooking up with her ex, then be honest with her about it. Let her know that you’d rather she not hook up with him; it’d be one thing if you were there or he wasn’t the OMG mind-blowing orgasms ex. But he is, you aren’t and if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, you know damn good and well that jealousy is going to be rearing it’s ugly head on you pretty soon. The last thing you need is to be spending nights trying to get her on the phone and imaging that the reason why she’s not picking up is because she’s too busy with Studly Good-Night.

And now for the hard part:

I hate to say this, Stressed, but it’s not impossible that she’s already banging him and what she’s really asking for is retroactive permission. I’ll freely cop to being overly suspicious and cynical — especially having been burned this way before, myself — but her explaining that no, he CAN’T be a threat to the relationship is setting off my Spidey-sense.

Hey, maybe I’m wrong and she really is being upfront and honest about it. I hope she is.

But the fact is: it seems pretty clear to me you feel uncomfortable with this guy, specifically, and that’s real. So don’t tell ME, tell HER how you feel and that you wouldn’t be comfortable with her starting something up with him again. She can find other guys who don’t represent the past creeping into your present.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a fifteen year old, 5′ 11″, ~150 pound male. I guess you could say I am an introvert who can be extraverted when necessary. I’m not afraid to walk up and talk to someone new. I do have an unusual set of hobbies, though. Bike Riding, Computer Science (Linux, specifically) and Swimming. I have every intention and the passion to pursue IT as my career field. I currently write technology tutorials for a leading cloud hosting company based in New York City. At any rate, I could really use your help keeping my emotional sanity.

I was introduced to the concept of “dating” in my first year of Middle School, resulting in a huge crush and a heartbreak shortly there after. Ever since then, I have been at battle with a vicious cat-and-mouse cycle of crushes, short-lived relationships, heartbreak and (surprisingly severe) depression.

I just moved to a bigger high-school last year, and I decided I was going to put in honest effort into finding a new girlfriend, since my latest ex turned into a never-shortening long distance relationship. (We were together for six months, and was a fairly stable and healthy “relationship.” it saddened me a great deal when I realized we weren’t going anywhere because of the distance and had to break it off…) I have pursued a few girls, but I guess I haven’t gotten lucky yet. I’ve found out they either (a) currently have boyfriends, (b) are getting over a breakup (but flirt with other guys while rejecting me at the same time) or (c) thought I was “following them around” when I was simply trying to converse with them.

I’ve read over some of your articles and I think you hit the nail on the head with many of your suggestions. The issue is, I can’t seen to control my emotions to implement the suggestions. I could tell myself, “You have to take a deep breath and let it go,” all night long, but when I have to sit behind said girl that rejected me in class the next morning my brain falls into “depressed, rejected one one will ever like you… ever” mode.

What should I do about this? This is the second or third time my emotions have overloaded me so much that I can’t function properly at school or around anyone somewhat attractive.

PS This probably sounds weird coming from a fifteen year old. I realize that. I state things the way I see it… maybe someday I will look back and realize my stupidity.

Young Blood

DEAR YOUNG BLOOD: I’m just gonna preface this by saying that you’re not going to like my advice YB but… your problem is that you’re 15.  

You’re in the middle of adolescence, with all of your hormones raging like a tiger in a cage, your brain chemistry is all out of whack and every single cell in your body is screaming “GET OUT THERE AND BANG SOMEONE!!!!” Meanwhile, you’re stuck on this weird and infuriating precipice where you feel like you’ve got the world figured out and nobody seems to quite understand what you’re trying to say but at the same time nothing seems to quite go the way you think they should. And with your brains, you’re probably feeling especially frustrated as you’ve got one foot in the real world (I mean, dude, if you’re doing tutorials on a professional level, that’s pretty damn impressive) and one foot stuck in the weird purgatory that is high-school where nothing seems to make sense and people all value the wrong things.

Throw all of that on top of the bulls

t and frustration that is dating (doubled when it’s dating in high-school) then yeah, I’m not surprised you’re having these intense emotions. You’re basically the emotional equivalent of the Tower of Terror – occasional moments of stability followed by plunging to the depths, rising back up again only to be dropped even faster this time.

The problem is: a lot of this s

t is kind of out of your control. It’s in your head and I mean that literally – it’s all the chemicals and hormones surging around as you transition into adulthood. You’re feeling everything so intensely because in a lot of ways, this is how we learn to handle all of this. You get flooded with all these sensations and emotions and Nature is saying “swim or die, motherf

ker,” and you have to learn how to roll with it. And you will. And as you get older and get more perspective, you’ll realize that yeah, it all kinda sucked and some of it really did suck as much as you think it does now but most of it really didn’t and yeah, you’ll look back and laugh at all the things you thought were earth-shattering and cataclysmic.

The problem that all teenagers have — I had it, my readers had it, you’ll realize you’ve had it – is that when you’re 15 it’s really goddamned hard to maintain a sense of perspective about this. It all just feels so goddamn intense.

And ultimately, the biggest thing that’s going to make a difference is time. You just need to recognize that ultimately, you’re ok. Before you realize it, you’ll look back on all of this and realize how unimportant and silly it was.

Of course, I realize that’s not terribly helpful in the short-term, so I want to give you some practical advice that’ll help you make it through all this bulls

t and come out a better person on the other side. The best thing you can do right now is to work on your future – and I don’t mean college or your career, I mean your future. As in: you you’re going to be.

People aren’t kidding when they talk about your formative years; the skills you learn in high-school are the ones that’ll form the base of everything you do in the rest of your life. You are in a position to craft your future – and not just your far-flung future, but your within-the-next-four-years future – in a way that will help guarantee that your life is going to be goddamn amazing. I’ve written a guide about how to survive high-school that you should check out, but I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes:

1) Learn how to talk to people. Not just girls: everyone. You’re planning on going into IT, a career that – let’s be honest – has a reputation for being a haven for the socially awkward. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to not let yourself get caught up in the stereotype of “I can only talk to my tribe” but instead learn how to talk to everyone. Being able to navigate the worlds of the jocks, the stoners, the mathletes, the geeks and all the other micro-tribes that make up school will be the best skill you can develop. Being able to relate to people who don’t share your slice of the world will make your life so much better as you grow up. You’ll be making connections and meeting potentially awesome folks you might otherwise never have interacted with. The more you can talk to people, the more you can relate to them as people instead of what you assume them to be, the better you will do over all. And – critically – it’ll make talking with the women you want to date infinitely easier.

2) Now’s the best time to start building on the future You that you want to be. I don’t just mean working towards being an IT professional, but the sort of man you dream of becoming. Want to be someone who’s popular? Develop your intra-personal networking skills and learn how to build connections with people. Want to be hot, no matter what you may look like? Work on the things that really make you attractive, like your confidence and being an interesting, fun person that people like to spend time with. And hey maybe work on the things that’ll help you look better too, like your grooming and sense of style. Take time to experiment with your interests and hobbies and develop more skills. The more you bring to the table as a friend and potential lover, the more you’re going to have to offer people who you’ll want to get to know.

3) Don’t sweat the dating thing right now. Yeah, I know this is kind of the opposite of what you’re looking for but honestly? High-school is the worst time for dating, on just about every level. You’ve got the absurd bulls

t social pressures to get laid at all costs (on top of your aforementioned raging hormones) coupled with the Byzantine rules of status and high-school dating (which change every five minutes) and the fact that, frankly, your relationship is likely going to have the lifespan of a carnival goldfish. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself and get yourself in a position for the rest of your life. Remember those skills I mentioned earlier? Focusing on improving those will serve you much more than just focusing on trying to get a girlfriend.

And there’s one skill that will serve you better than any other: learning how to take rejection. See, here’s the thing about rejection: it’s not as bad as you think it is. Don’t get me wrong: it sucks, it absolutely sucks. But speaking as someone who’s been rejected more times than he’s had hot meals: it’s only as big of a deal as you make it out to be. Right now, you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch and you have that voice in the back of your mind telling you that nobody will ever love you. But that voice? That voice is a goddamn liar. It’s the voice of your jerkbrain, all of your fears and doubts and insecurities all bundled together and telling you things that you’re afraid are true. Here’s what rejection really means: she’s not digging you. That’s it. There’s no value judgement, no proclamation of your worth as a person. Maybe your skills need some work. Maybe there’s a deep and fundamental incompatibility that means that you two would never work. Hell, maybe she’s just an asshole. Regardless: in the end, she’s done you a favor. You’ve got an answer and now you’re free to move on and find someone who does dig what you’ve got – there’re a million more women out there who are just as amazing, if not more so, waiting to meet you.

So learn to tell your jerk-brain to shut the f

k up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. When you can take rejection and not let it phase you and not let it make you bitter and angry, you will be goddamned bullet-proof when it comes to dating.

These’ll be the skills that help you not just survive the next four years but thrive. And when you’ve left the bulls

t that is high-school behind and take your first steps out into the real world, you will be so much more ready for it than everybody else that you’ll wonder why you ever thought your dating dramas back in the day were a big deal.

Good luck, YB. You’re going to have an amazing time.

I promise.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, long story short I am 21 and a long time lone wolf who was recently diagnosed with PTSD/Anxiety/Depression from a f

ked up childhood who has worked on challenging negative core beliefs with my therapist. I have made some good progress too.

I intellectually no longer see my mental health conditions as a bouquet of red flags that make me undatable or unattractive (Hell just writing that is making me facepalm with how stupid it sounds. How could any of that possibly be a flaw with my morals or character?) Now the main goal will be to keep that mindset when I get emotionally triggered.

Hell, the opposite is true. I am very datable. I have a quick-wit for humor and am just someone who likes to make sure everyone who hangs out with me is comfortable. I love bowling, cooking, and The Legend of Zelda series. My career goals are to get my Masters or Psy. D. in Clinical Psychology and become a licensed therapist so to say I am driven is an understatement. I went from a childhood house(s) in which the chief main concern was “will my mother have enough pills so she won’t withdrawal tonight?” to a damn near free ride to a top 50 university (of course, currently living with my father and mother who is now 4 years clean) so how can I be in any sense of the word a failure?

If only I could think like that during my anxiety episodes.

So celebrating my mental health success and newfound positive identity aside, I did have one question to ask.

I have absolutely no interest in ONS and seeing as most romantic relationships are started by being introduced by friends I was wondering when is the quote on quote “appropriate” time to ask someone out after you first meet them. Obviously you don’t want to wait too long as you will Friend Zone yourself but, in the same sense it doesn’t seem like “Hi I’m RTP and I just met you. Want to grab a drink?” would end well either as there wouldn’t be any established connection. Then again I don’t know how this dating thing really works anyway so I could be completely wrong.

Oh well, might as well suss this out now seeing as we are likely to have a lot of time on our hands before I can actually get back out there.

-Rejoining the Pack

DEAR REJOINING THE PACK: Congratulations on your progress, RtP! You’ve made some huge strides in your life and you should be justly proud of everything you’ve achieved.  So should you mother for that matter; getting clean and sober is no easy feat. These are success stories that should be celebrated.

Now as for your question: this is actually much simpler than you realize. People put far too much importance on the idea of a universal timeline when it comes to dating and attraction, and there really isn’t. The point when it’s appropriate to ask someone out is far more based on social context and calibration than it is length of time. Asking someone out at a funeral? Not really appropriate. Asking them out a couple hours after having been introduced by a friend at a party? Far more appropriate.

What I always suggest is that once you’ve met someone and you’re both having a good time talking with one another, then the time to ask them on a date is… well, pretty much then. It may not always be possible when you first meet them, but asking sooner is usually better than later. Not only do you make it clear that you’re interested in them as a potential lover rather than a friend, but you don’t end up with someone else asking them out before you had the chance.

There’re a couple ways of doing this. One of the easiest is to find things that you both enjoy and then suggest a date based around those. Did you find that you both like bowling? Awesome… hey, would she like to go bowl some frames this Saturday?

Alternately, you can do what’s called “seeding the date” by discussing something that you’re planning on doing (or want to do) that weekend or the weekend after. Then, towards the end of the conversation you can say “Hey, you know what? I think you might really dig that art exhibition I’m going to on Friday. I’d love to take you if you’re free.”

Or you could even say “Hey, I’m having a great time talking to you. I know this awesome bar/coffee shop/ice cream parlor; would you like to get a drink/frozen yogurt some time? Cool, I’m available at these times, what does your schedule look like?”

Hell, if all that happens is that you connect on Facebook or WhatsApp or you exchange numbers, you can simply propose a date by combining two different ideas. “Hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball? There’s this barcade I’ve been meaning to hit up and I think you’d really enjoy it. I’d love to take you this Saturday.”

The key is to have a specific activity and a specific day and time; you want to give them a reason to want to see you. “Hey let’s hang out some time” is too vague and too wishy-washy. What does hanging out entail? When is “some time”? This leaves far too much in the air or, worse, puts the responsibility of planning on her shoulders — something you want to avoid. Having a specific activity gives her something to look forward to. A specific date and time makes it easier to plan; if she’s not available on those days, then she can propose a different day or time. Proposing both makes it clear that you’re not expecting her to do most of the heavy lifting to make this date happen.

So don’t worry about the timing, so much as how you both feel. If there’s attraction there and you’ve been having a good time talking… go ahead and propose a date. In a worst case scenario, you’ll know she’s not interested and you’ll be able to move on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com