DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to begin this message by commenting on how much I truly appreciate your humorous and kind article on dating advice for short men. As a 23-year-old man of 5’6 with some acne and no romantic experience to speak of, I need all the self-esteem boosts I can get. I wouldn’t say that I’ve got a huge chip on my shoulder about it, but I fear that I may be headed in that direction.

That said, I believe my predicament goes further than my stature. You see, I am currently in grad school at a relatively rural college town full of young persons aged around 18-22, a prime demographic for height prioritization and uninteresting conversations. There don’t appear to be many women older than myself on Tinder, and though I get frequently 4-5 matches every two 2 days or so, no one ever responds, and if they do, the conversations eventually peter out anyway.

Though my program is fully funded and provides a sweet stipend, I found myself having to move back home with my folks for the summer, and this will likely be the case for the remainder of my twenties (I’m aiming for a doctorate), since my field typically doesn’t fund students over the summer. Of course, I can’t really do much to work on dating when I live at home, since living with one’s parents as a young man is considered unbecoming, and also because I will be moving back to school several hundred miles away in a few weeks. With all of that in mind, I could use your help in figuring out where to meet women this next school year. I’ve always been told to “get out there,” but it is not clear to me where “there” is. I don’t believe bars would be the best fit for me (for the aforementioned reason concerning my height), and there aren’t many opportunities for meeting grad students in other departments. I do love visiting the university’s art gallery and nearby bookstore, but those seem like unpromising settings to encounter the same person routinely and strike up an acquaintanceship that could lead to something more, don’t you think?

One last thing. Though I am a little awkward and shy, my sense of humor has always been an immense social asset. I have always been the hilarious guy in any group, and I have always had many female friends or acquaintances, but I simply don’t know how proceed. I thank you very much for your kindness and willingness to help me out with this.

Piled Higher and Deeper

DEAR PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER: This is the sort of problem that can be split into two separate, if related issues.

The first is one of simple demographics. Some people struggle to find dates or relationships, not through any fault of their own but because of pure demographics. Living in a rural area — especially an area where the population is going to vary drastically between seasons — means that you’re going to have a smaller pool to draw from when it comes to meeting people. In cases like this, you essentially have three options. The first is, simply work with what you have. This isn’t always the best choice, and for some, like LGBTQ folks, it can limit your options to single digits… but it is an option. The second is to move. This isn’t always the easiest choice or most viable, especially now, but it is a valid one. If you have the resources — either in terms of money or friends — moving to a locale where the demographics are more in your favor is a perfectly legitimate option. Even if you have to crash on a friend’s couch for a bit or live with roommates until things are a bit more stable, this is an option that a lot of people choose.

The third option is to find ways to expand your dating pool. There’re a number of ways of doing this. One is to expand the radius that you’d be willing to date. A lot of people in small towns will often expand their search radius on dating apps to include more areas, especially if there’s a larger city within a reasonable distance. While this can cut into how often you could meet up with your matches — you do have to factor in commute times — it’s something a number of folks will do, especially if they have their own car or have access to reliable transportation.

Another option is to look less to things like cold approaches or dating apps and start to rely a bit more on the resources you currently have… such as your social circle. Even in this day and age, most people don’t meet their partners on dating apps; the majority of folks tend to meet their partners either through shared activities or through their friends. You may not have a lot of chances to meet people, but your friends very well might. Of course, you have to be somewhat proactive; you can’t just hope that your friends will intuit that you’d like them to possibly introduce you to someone they think you may click with. Letting them know that hey, you’re single, you’re looking, dating apps are kind of a nightmare, and do they know anyone you might click with?

Of course, you also want to put some effort into expanding your social circle and meeting new people. This is part of why — schedules permitting, mind you — it’s worth pursuing hobbies or passions in ways that bring you in contact with other folks who also love those hobbies or passions. Having those shared interests serve as an instant conversational starter as well as make it easier to connect with them and start forging friendships. You may not meet the love of your life at your local tabletop gaming store or a MeetUp for, say, folks interested in podcasting, but you may well meet the people who might introduce you to her.

But let’s talk about your second issue. You’re making a classic mistake, PhD: you’re assuming that your beliefs are fact, and reacting to that, instead of actual experience. This issue runs the gamut, from your height to your living with your parents… none of these are the deal-breaking obstacle that you think they are. You are, however, reacting to them as if they were… and that makes all the difference. As much as I hate the phrase “feels aren’t reals” — mostly because it’s used to imply that someone’s being emotional and not cold-blooded and logical — it certainly applies here. You’re making assumptions about what other people think based off of things that you’re worried about, without actual evidence. I would, in fact, be more than willing to bet that a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling coming from feedback you’re getting primarily from other men, not from the women you’re interested in dating. Men, especially men in certain communities, have a tendency to assume that they’re experts in what women want or think… without actually, y’know. Listening to what the women in question have to say. If I could have a nickel for every time a guy goes off about how women only date men who are x height, have y income or z body types while women are standing there saying “um… no”, I would be swimming through my money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

To start with, let’s talk about living with your parents. First and foremost my dude: the economy is in the s--tter. We are dealing with absolutely unprecedented levels of economic disaster and unemployment. Living with your parents right now isn’t a sign of failure to launch or that you’re some over-developed man-child, it makes a lot of economic sense. Considering that we’re about to see a wave of people getting evicted or foreclosed on — barring some very fast action from Congress (and I wouldn’t hold my breath on that) — the fact that you’ve got a place to stay and helps save you money doesn’t look like you’re immature, it looks like you’re making the smart play.

But even before COVID-19 destroyed the world economy, people were likely to understand. In 2019, nearly a quarter of Americans aged 23 – 30 were living with their parents. Between student debt, an increasingly unaffordable housing market and wages that haven’t kept track with inflation or cost of living, it’s entirely understandable that people aren’t getting apartments or buying houses or condos the way they were back in the 90s or 00’s. Anyone you date would not only understand but likely has friends or relatives who were doing the same thing. For a lot of folks it’s a simple economic necessity.

Would bringing someone home be a little more complicated? Possibly. But not necessarily more so than dealing with bringing someone home when you have roommates. And at 23 and someone going for his doctorate, you should be in a place where you could tell your parents that you’re dating and also sexually active and start making allowances for how that’s going to all work.

(And failing that: there’re still hotels and motels. I recommend the HotelTonight app if you need to find a place last minute.)

Your height is, likewise, a thing that you’re more concerned about than the women you’re likely to date will care about. Just as men are often more flexible in their preferred body types or hair color or what-have-you that folks give them credit for, women are equally as varied and flexible in terms of their types and preferences. While there will always be women who only date men of a certain height — just as there are always men who will only date women of a certain weight or breast size — there’re far, far more who are more concerned with the holistic person and not just whether they can reach the top shelf at the supermarket. And, to be perfectly frank, if a woman isn’t willing to date you because of your height, the flaw doesn’t exist in you, it exists in her. That’s an indicator that she’s someone you don’t want to date. I mean, come on… do you want to date someone that shallow?

And while I’m sure you’ve seen women on Tinder or OKCupid who say “6′ or taller”, they’re not the majority. They’re not even the plurality. They’re just the ones you noticed; you didn’t notice the ones who didn’t have those restrictions in their profile. Confirmation bias is a thing, my dude. If you, to pull a random example, were to buy a Subaru Forester today, tomorrow you would suddenly see Foresters all over the damn place. Not because the number of cars on the road had changed, but because now you’re expecting to see them. They were always there; you just didn’t have cause to notice them before. So it is with dating apps; you’re noticing the women whose height preferences exclude you because you’re looking for them, even if you don’t realize it. You’re not seeing the ones who don’t because their existence isn’t as meaningful to you right now.

Change your outlook and you’ll notice far more women who’d be dying to give you a shot. And as an aside? When women have a problem with short guys, it’s not because of their height… it’s because of their attitude. If you’re someone who’s not hung up about his height, then you’re going to have far, far fewer problems than you’d expect.

And, incidentally: consider dating tall women. They love guys who are confident in themselves to not be intimidated by an amazon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been talking to a girl from one of my classes for a couple of weeks now, We’ve been getting along great and have a lot in common. After a couple of weeks ago, she wanted to head to this outdoor event being held at my apartment complex.

After the event, she asked if we could head back to my room to charge her phone. We head back to my place and start swapping funny stories when suddenly asks about the sex etiquette my roommates and I had. After this she went on to tell me a couple of stories about almost getting caught having sex. I laughed, added commentary but didn’t add my own funny sex stories (as I have none, only had sex twice) In the end, we just ended up hanging out for a couple of hours, then I saw her off. This happened 2 weeks ago, nothing’s appeared to change in the way we treat each other (nothing awkward), but it feel as though we hangout a little less.

Was I oblivious to a hint?

Does she think I’m not interested? Is this salvageable? How do I get back to that situation?

– Sexless In Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: Let me tell you a story from the long-long ago.

There was a point during college where I was working (very, very briefly) as a cartoonist for the school paper. It didn’t last very long because, frankly, I wasn’t that good. But that’s beside the point. The newspaper office was in the basement of my dorm. One night, this one girl I’d talk to occasionally and thought was pretty cute came down while I was working and hung out while I was putting the finishing touches on that week’s drawing. She saw that the illustration I was working on was manga-styled and wanted to know if I liked anime. I did and as we were talking she mentioned that she enjoyed Japanese movies and she had this animated horror movie she was afraid to watch alone. Maybe I’d like to come watch it with her. In her room. Alone. Just the two of us.

At the time I hadn’t realized that women are socialized to be indirect, especially when it comes to sex. I also didn’t realize that it was possible for women to find me attractive at all. As a result: said “sounds cool, but my deadline’s tomorrow, so I need to finish this.”

(For the record: the “horror” movie she was talking about was a fairly infamous porno…)

It took me half a damn year to realize that she was basically saying “Would you like to come back to my place for a hot cup of F--K MY BRAINS OUT?”

I bring this up because… well, it sounds like you were in the same situation.

Your friend wanted to come back to your room with you. Alone. She wanted to talk about sex. She wanted to talk about her having sex. She was making sure that the image of her having sex was going to be implanted in your brain. She wanted to know what your etiquette was for keeping your roommate out should it turn out to be business time.

It’s entirely possible that she was just enjoying talking about sex. Lots of folks do that. But I’m willing to bet a not insignificant amount of money that she was hoping you were going to take the damn hint and make a move already.

You didn’t, which tells her either a) you missed the hint or b) you deliberately ignored the hint. Either way, you told her you weren’t interested and in all likelihood she’s moved on from the idea.

Could it be salvaged? Theoretically. The next time you two are hanging out, you can make a point to be a little flirtier, to give a bit more of a sexual edge to your banter with her, to make more appreciative comments if/when she tells other stories about how she likes to get wild. Yeah, you may have missed THAT opportunity, but nothing says you can’t ping her to see if there’s still interest.

But to be perfectly honest, the odds are against you. From her end, it’s gonna feel like either you missed things entirely and she feels embarrassed — which happens — or she thinks you just don’t like her like that. Either way, it’s much more likely that the moment has passed and she thinks of you more as a friend than a potential play partner.

Which, hey, sucks. But at least this time you know what to look for the next time around.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A bit of an odd question, but a lot of people tell me that finding a job is a lot like dating. Right now, i’m putting my dating life on hold while I scramble to find a job that makes use of my MS in Physics. It has been, in a word, depressing. I’ve made multiple resumes, I network though LinkedIn and at job fairs and parties, I try out any career advice I come across online just to see if a change in attack has any impact, but I haven’t had a proper interview with a company in 6 months. I do work part rime right now as a tutor, but it’s not enough to pay the bills and i’m starting to get pretty anxious over the situation. Do you by chance in your infinite bag of dating wisdom have some advice for job seekers?

Thanks,

Job First, Date Later

DEAR JOB FIRST, DATE LATER: Straight talk my dude: my career path is anything but typical or traditional, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. But there’s one universal truth about dealing with other people, whether you’re hoping to date them or get hired by them: they need to like you. Being likable is going to serve you far better than being skilled; we do more for people we like, we want to spend more time with them and likable people do better at work. They’re better at working with others, they build more connections that lead to more opportunities and leads.

The other benefit to being more likable is that it means you’re going to make more social connections. The cliche of “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” is 100% true. The more people you connect with increases the number of people who will think of you when there’s an opening at their job or who’ll mention you to other people in their social circles who might be looking for someone with your qualifications. So while LinkedIn is good, you’ll do even better to focus on networking in person. The more you can connect with people on a personal level, the better your odds of getting that job. 

Being good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to fit in at the job. Click with the person conducting your interview, on the other hand, and they’ll be much more likely to see your potential even if you’re not a perfect match.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old male from an expat family who moved to the Bay Area about three years ago from SE Asia and am now attending college as an undergrad.

American dating has mostly been an exercise in frustration for me, with success sprinkled here and there in the form of one off dates and even a three month mini-relationship. I could take you and the reader through the ups and downs of these various meetings but I want to avoid ossifying the entire Dr. NL readership so I’ll abstain. In any case, it’s the most recent girl I’ve been interested in that will be the focus of this letter.

I’ve been talking to (hanging out with, dating, labels are real fluid here) a cute, bright, driven 21 year old girl from one of my classes for the past week and a bit. We had talked before last semester but this is the first time we’ve really interacted on a personal level. We haven’t slept together, though we have made out, and it’s the issues surrounding this tension that I’d like to explore. See Doc, I think I’m what they call a square. I’ve always felt like a middle aged man trapped inside a young body; everything from my word choice to the way I dress makes me feel really out of touch with my class mates. This girl had to tell me what snapchat was and how to use it, and I’ve never felt older in my life. Another example was how I offered to walk her back to her flat (apartment) and she sarcastically quipped about what a gentleman I was. Do people not do this anymore?

The girl I’ve been seeing has never gone more than a fortnight without intimacy, and she’s been a pretty dedicated serial monogamist for a long time. Contrast this with a serious dearth of any activity on my part for the better portion of two years, and we have an issue. She is also into some kink and rough sex (choking, hitting, hair pulling, even to the point of bruising apparently), while I’ve had a very vanilla sexual history and I’m very slow and tender in bed (read, boring). It’s not that I have a fragile male ego that is threatened by her experience, on the contrary, I find it exciting and attractive.

The problem is she tends to point out and tease my squareness, and this makes me nervous around her, and of course that doesn’t make for comfortable making out. When we were kissing recently, she said I thought too much about the act and that I treated her like a china doll, and that she was into rough play. Of course upon hearing this, I got hella (new word I learned) nervous, and if anything became more incompetent. Another part of the equation is that she has had a string of fairly toxic and abusive relationships, and she tells me she doesn’t want to rush into something she’ll regret with me, ergo, no sleeping together until she feels comfortable with it.

So what we have is a situation where she’s hinting at me to be more masculine, more direct, and yet we’re holding off on sex. Now I absolutely don’t mind holding off on sex, but when it does happen, I’m really worried I’m going to disappoint her, and the longer we go without trying it and defusing the tension, the bigger the disappointment is going to be for her. I know good sex is about communication, but do you think this situation is resolvable? I’d like to add that I’m perfectly ok with changing my sexual style – I just don’t know whether I’ll be able to overcome that inculcated aversion to striking someone else, especially a woman.

I’ve never really though of myself as a prude until now. Am I, Doc? I know we have a sex positive feminist readership here, so I’m leaning towards the yes. I’d really like to expand my sexual horizons, I’m just horribly anxious about it and I feel like if it turns out to be a bad sexual experience and she calls the relationship, it will reinforce deeply held beliefs of mine about not being masculine enough.

Apologies for the wall of text, and I hope everyone who suffered through that has a good day.

– A Square in SF

DEAR A SQUARE IN SF: think the biggest problem here, ASSF, is that you keep describing yourself as being a loser and a square because… well, I’m not entirely sure. OK, so you haven’t had much sexual experience and you’re not terribly kinky. That’s not a bad thing, that’s not a good thing, that’s just how you roll. The fact that you’re framing these as a negative is causing more issues than the fact that you’re fairly vanilla; you’re setting yourself up to be uncomfortable and awkward because you think that you’re somehow deficient and inferior to someone who’s had more and/or different sex than you.

(Incidentally, I really dislike using “vanilla” to describe standard or non-kinky sex or people. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a good replacement for it. Anyone who has a suggestion for a different word is welcome to send them in to doc@doctornerdlove.com)

This actually gets into a common misconception people have when it comes to the topic of sex positivity; they assume that sex positivity is all about letting your freak flag fly and being into all kinds of outré and exotic kink and that people who aren’t into it are being sex negative. This isn’t true – sex positivity is about everyone being cool with what they’re into or not into, as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual. You’re straight vanilla? Awesome. You’re into being blindfolded and suspended from the ceiling by your nipples? Well, hope you’ve got safety measures built in, but ok cool, you do you. You’ve slept with a hundred people? Cool, high five! You’re a virgin? Cool, high five for you too!

But I digress…

The issue you’re having is primarily in your head; you’re so hung up on whether or not you CAN please this woman that you’re not giving yourself the chance to TRY. From everything you’ve said, she’s telling you how she wants you to kiss her – to be more aggressive and rougher. Now, if that’s just not your thing, then more power to you; odds are that the two of you aren’t going to be sexually compatible and you can just peace-out. But if it’s something you’re willing to give a shot… well, why aren’t you giving it a shot? She’s given you the green light. Are you afraid of not doing it perfectly off the bat? OK, I get that. Thing is, you don’t need to be perfect. The first time you have sex with someone isn’t a pass/fail audition that’s going to end the relationship if you don’t get it precisely right, especially if the two of you have been dating for a while before you sleep together. The first time with anyone is going to be awkward to one degree or another and 99.999% of adults understand that. Everyone has their patterns, their likes and dislikes that it takes a bit of practice to get your respective styles to mesh. Sometimes you synch up right off the bat because you’re pretty similar. Sometimes it takes a time or two and some awkward giggling to get things right. That’s not a flaw in somebody’s technique, that’s just sex. 

Your aversion to hitting someone is admirable, but as with most things in life, it requires context. You’re not striking a woman in anger, you’re being ASKED by someone to spank her and pull her hair because she gets off on it. It’s a very different situation.

(Choking is another matter, mostly because choking and breath play is INCREDIBLY GODDAMN DANGEROUS. That’s not varsity level sex, that’s a couple levels above varsity.)

So, how do you resolve this? Well, you use your words. You’ve not done anything like this before, so TELL her. Ask her what she wants you to do and then do it. She wants you to bite her? Cool, where? How hard? Done right, it’s a fun, sexy game; all you need is an open mind and a can-do attitude and a willingness to push your own envelope a little. If it works, then you’ve opened a new avenue for yourself – enjoy this sexual adventure. If it doesn’t work, then all that’s happened is that you’ve learned something about what you are and aren’t into and the people you’re compatible with. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad or boring or “unmasculine” (for bulls--t definitions of masculine), you just didn’t click with this person, which happens.

The only thing I would be careful about is how she treats your inexperience. You say that she teases you about being a “square”. As long as this is affectionate teasing, all is well; if she’s being mean about it or implying you’re a bad person for not being into the same things she’s into? That’s not cool and a pretty reliable sign that you should find someone who’s not an asshole about sex.

But in the meantime: use your words and take some risks. Ask her what she wants, to give you some pointers and try getting a little wilder.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com