DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My problem is pretty straightforward: I’ve lost interest in sex with my wife; really, with anyone. I still can get turned on by some porn and masturbate, so the problem isn’t the plumbing (though as I’ve gotten older — I’m 40 — my erection has become less reliable and I do worry about that). Mostly, the effort to connect, to perform, to make things happen, is just freaking exhausting and not at all pleasurable for me. And when she tries to get me interested, I just feel like I’m under assault.

I’ve always had a drop off in libido over long-term relationships — I found the early meetings exciting, but over time I got less and less responsive. It happened faster in each relationship, and in just a few months in this one. Yet we stayed together, which maybe tells you something about how well we fit in some ways.

It’s been eight years together now, five years married. But we’ve made zero progress in improving our sex lives. We tried couples counseling a handful of times, but it was too emotionally intense for her and we would up canceling. (She doesn’t much like talking about emotions or anything intimate.) I’ve also been in individual therapy several days a week for four years, but while that has helped in some broader areas of my life, it hasn’t shown many results in the bedroom.

I’m at a loss as to where to go from here. I feel like I want sex, I want connection, but in the abstract only. When it becomes flesh and blood, I retreat.

I hate talking about this stuff with her. And I hate the thought of letting her into my fantasy world. (I’m generally turned on by scenes of seduction and boundary-crossing; I’ve done some voyeuristic exploration at kink events; I also have recently started to wonder if I’m bi, just judging from the porn that I’ve started to gravitate toward.) But I love her, too. I worry that I am — or maybe she and I are both — too immature, even at this late date, to ever truly connect sexually with each other or with anyone else.

What do you recommend?

Lust has Gone Bust

DEAR LUST HAS GONE BUST: I’m kind of getting the impression that you already know what you want to do, LGB and you’re asking me for permission, not help.

But let’s run with the assumption that you want to fix things before we go to the next step.

To start with, LGB, I’d recommend getting used to your own arousal patterns and behavior. Everybody has drop-offs in passion in the course of a long-term relationship; that’s part of being a mammal. But the fact that it happens in just a few months tells me that the problem isn’t the Coolidge Effect, it’s that you get bored.  It sounds to me like most of what you enjoy are the early days of courtship – the new relationship energy, as polyamorists call it – when everything is fresh and new and exciting and getting your new partner in bed is, not necessarily a challenge, but requires effort. When the novelty has worn off and the new has become the norm, you get bored. It becomes less about seduction – something you say you’re aroused by – and more just part of what happens in your relationship.

Now, there are things that you can do to bring back the excitement and novelty in your sex life; one of the easiest would be to change up where and when you two have sex. Even something as simple as acting like a couple teenagers and trying to find a place to park and make out can help reconnect with that feeling of excitement and newness that you had early on. But it’s other things you say that make me suspect you have other issues going on beyond just garden-variety boredom or not being cut out for monogamy.

The first thing that leaps out at me is the fact that your wife doesn’t like talking about emotions and intimate subjects. That… is not good for a long-term relationship. Being partners means that you’re going to have to handle some intense emotional issues. It’s pretty much inevitable. If the two of you can’t sit down and be able to handle unpleasant topics together, then you’re not going to last. Trying to avoid any topic that isn’t simple and pleasant means that you aren’t going to be able to fix things; as a result, you’re just going to be sitting there, both politely trying to ignore the rot that’s setting in the middle of your relationship.

Similarly, you should be able to talk about your sex life and your fantasies. This is someone you share your life with. You’ve been part of each other’s lives for eight years; by this point, there shouldn’t be anything the two of you can’t talk about. That’s what brings me to the other big, spinning red flag in your letter.

The fact that you hate the thought of letting her in is another thing that tells me that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark beyond a need for novelty. Either you’re ashamed of your fantasies or you believe your wife would be; either way, nobody’s talking and that means that nothing can improve. If it’s the former, then you need to change up what you’re talking to your therapist about. You need to do some work on how you can get more comfortable with what actually turns you on and how you can incorporate it into your sex life (not just your fantasy life) and develop some scripts about how you can talk to your wife about them. Now, maybe it’s possible that she can’t handle your (relatively mundane) fantasies; in that case, the two of you are fundamentally sexually incompatible and there’s not much that can be done short of calling it quits and trying to part as amicably as possible.

But – and someone call Sir Mix A Lot because this is a big ol’ but coming – you don’t know how she feels about them… because frankly, neither of you are talking to each other. Not about the important stuff. That’s what you need to try to sort out before you make any decisions about the future of your relationship together.

That is, of course, assuming that you want to fix things.

But unless you’re both willing to make some serious effort, then nothing’s going to get better. You need to figure out how to let your wife in and your wife needs to be willing to meet you half-way and put in her own effort. If the two of you can’t or won’t do that… then the best thing I can say is that it’s time to start making plans about how you’re going to end things.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I moved to to a new country and city three years ago. Before I moved here, I was in my last year of college, I had a girlfriend, lots of friends, and a kick ass body due to the amounts of free time I had in College. It was great, but a chance was presented to move from a third world country to better place, and I took it.

Fast forward three years, and everything has changed. I have an awful job that is only good for paying for the bills of four days a week with 11 hours shifts, I have no friends outside of work, no girlfriend, and my kick ass body has been replaced by a 224 pounds man that I don’t recognize in the mirror.

My question is how do I start over in this new place? I want friends, a girlfriend, I want to stop feeling like s--t. I know you have to grow up at some time, but man it’s been a rough three years.

A word of advice would be nice.

Stranger in a Strange Land

DEAR STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND: It sounds like you’ve let moving to a new country intimidate you, SiSL. It’s understandable; you’re in a completely new area, on your own for the first time likely in your entire life and you don’t have the support system or social circles you had back in your home town. That’s going to do a number on your head and it’s really easy to start sticking to the safe and known, even when it sucks. And when you add in the fact that you hate your life right now… well, I’m not surprised that things aren’t going well for you. So it’s time to start making some proactive changes.

The first thing I’d say is start saving up money wherever you can and looking for a better job. It doesn’t have to be the most amazing job in the world, but it should be something that at least doesn’t kill your soul a little bit more each day. Slinging coffee, waiting tables, barbacking… if it sucks less than your current job, then give it some serious consideration. And as long as you’re looking: start trying to find things outside of work that you enjoy. You’re in a fairly sizable city – there’s going to be a lot of opportunities to indulge in your passions in ways that bring you in contact with other people. Finding MeetUps for things you’re interested, joining a for-fun sports league, even signing up for some continuing education classes will help get you out of your rut and put you in position to make more connections with people. It’ll also give you something to enjoy and look forward to instead of collapsing into sweet oblivion until you have to get up again and repeat the same process.

My final suggestion is to simply move more. Yes, I realize that working 11 hour shifts sucks your life away and leaves you feeling like slithering home is the most you can do, but your body was built to move. If you’re spending most of your time being sedentary… well, I’m not surprised you feel like ass. Even something as simple as taking a 20 minute walk, three times a week, can help you feel better, physically and emotionally. Exercise helps spur endorphins that go straight to your brain, increases blood flow and oxygenation and helps you sleep better – all of which is going to improve your mood and sense of well-being. It’s a small, simple thing, but major improvements are made up of small, simple things. Taking care of yourself, even in this small way, will go a long way towards getting you back to being the person you know you can be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m looking for some perspective. My husband of 13 years is having boundary issues with a colleague. They became close when he had a depressive episode last year and confided in her instead of me. He said a lot of things to her that made me uncomfortable, including comments about our relationship and our finances. I read his messages and have proof. I confessed to him what I saw and we had a talk and he now says he “doesn’t consider her a friend”. Yet, today he is having lunch with her, because he “would love to see” her (yes, I am still reading his messages because I don’t trust him) and hasn’t told me about it.

People who don’t consider someone their friend don’t say things like that.

We have a close and intimate partnership otherwise, and he frequently tells me that I never make him feel unsafe with his issues. But he has also white-lied to me in other little ways when it was totally unnecessary. I know they don’t have a physical relationship, but I am sick of being lied to and don’t understand why he can’t just be open with me.

We both have therapists but can’t afford therapy together. I feel like I’ve already done the nuclear option and now I don’t know what else to do. I also know what I am doing is very bad but I can’t just stop, knowing all this. I don’t like being an undercover agent but I also need to protect myself. What now?

Paranoid

DEAR PARANOID: Well you asked, but I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer.

I don’t think your husband is the one with boundary issues here, Paranoid. Pretty sure the person snooping through his messages and keeping tabs of his relationships with other people is the one who’s having issues with boundaries.

Why is your husband confiding in someone besides you? Well… because sometimes folks need to talk to someone besides their partner. It’s good to have friends outside of your marriage, including emotionally close, intimate friendships. After all, one person can’t and shouldn’t be all things to someone else. Even under the best of circumstances, that puts an intolerable strain on the entire relationship. Sometimes what a person needs is a sympathetic ear with someone who isn’t also neck-deep in their problems or concerns. Especially if their partner is part of the concerns. People have a right to talk with their friends about their relationships, especially if they need to vent or get an outside perspective. The same goes for their finances. If he has worries and wants to discuss things with somebody who might have a fresh perspective — or who he hasn’t gone round and round about them before with no resolution — then it’s entirely understandable that he’d talk to his friend about it.

Why has he lied about her “not being a friend”? Well… because frankly, it’s because you were snooping and telling him not to have perfectly normal and acceptable conversations with his friend. He’s lying to smooth your ruffled feathers and try to keep the peace while also maintaining a friendship that’s clearly important to him. The fact that you’re upset about it — especially when you know that they’re not crossing boundaries or getting physical — is the bigger issue here than “he has a friend of the opposite sex”. He’s trying to appease you while maintaining a friendship that provides emotional support. The reason why he’s lying about it is because, frankly, from this end of things it seems like you’re getting upset about it to a degree that doesn’t seem warranted. Like, at all.

But there’s also the fact that you are continuing to violate his privacy by snooping on him and his messages. That, quite frankly, is a much bigger violation of trust than the fact that he has a friend. If you don’t trust him — even knowing that there’s nothing untoward going on — that’s on you and something YOU need to be working on, not him. Because, straight talk: what you’re doing isn’t going to save your marriage or fix things. Your monitoring him and snooping in his messages isn’t going to stop him from cheating if he were going to cheat. What it will do is drive him the f--k away… quite possibly even into the arms of someone else who isn’t violating his privacy or giving him s--t about perfectly acceptable behavior.

If you can’t work on your own lack of trust, your unwillingness to STOP invading his privacy and to not treat “having a friend” as some huge sin, then your marriage is going to come to a screeching halt and no amount of spying and snooping is going to save it.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not exactly one for reaching out for help on the internet (or in general), but at this point I’ll take advice wherever I can get it.

As you can probably tell, this isn’t my area of expertise. I’ve had very little experience with dating despite the fact that I’m heading into the second half of my twenties.

Recently, after a few months of building up courage and trying not to psych myself out, I finally asked out a girl I liked, and she said yes.

For about a month, things were going pretty great. It wasn’t anything serious, but we were having a good time. Until one night, I screwed everything up. I had an awkward moment where I accidentally said something that basically implied I thought some other girl we know was “out of my league.” I apologized for it, and she sad it was alright, but after that she seemed to sour on the whole thing and decided to call it off.

That was two months ago, and I cannot seem to let it go. I tried apologizing more, and asking her to give me another chance (which probably hurt more than it helped), but she said that she just wants to be “friends”. I want to respect that, but I just can’t stop beating myself up over the way things ended. I know it was barely a month-long relationship, but I feel like any confidence I had has been completely shattered by this experience. (It’s not helped by the fact that I still have to see spend five hours once a week in the same room as her at work). Common sense says I have to move on, but that just seems so difficult right now.

Any advice?

Foot In Mouth Disease

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE: here’s what happened, FIMD: you accidentally told your girlfriend that her biggest plus was that she was attainable. That is pretty decidedly not what women want to hear from someone they’re dating; there’s little that’s less romantic than being told “well, you’re the best I could get.”

Not really surprising that she didn’t want to keep seeing you afterwards. But all the apologizing and begging for another chance? That’s not helping. Begging’s not a good look on anyone to begin with, and you’re going so overboard with your apologies that it’s starting to be about you, not about the fact that you insulted her. You’re no longer trying to make amends, you’re making a spectacle of yourself by demanding that she forgive you because you need it. I’m not exactly surprised she’s not chomping at the bit to see you again.

So what do you do? Well you start working on your social intelligence by letting this go. Seriously man, constantly dwelling on it and indulging in this self-flagellation isn’t helpful. It’s the emotional equivalent of Dobby beating himself because he got Harry Potter’s Starbucks order wrong. It’s awkward for everyone around you and it’s counterproductive. You said something stupid. It sucks, but it happens, especially when you’re relatively new to dating. Jamming your foot deep down your mouth is part of the learning process. Beating yourself up over a rookie mistake just means you’re never going to get better. You have to be willing to accept that yes, you f--ked up and resolve not to make the same mistake in the future.

Here’s the phrase you need to repeat to yourself: it is what it is. You made a mistake. It sucks, but it is what it is. Now it’s time to cowboy up, dust yourself off and learn from it. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to begin this message by commenting on how much I truly appreciate your humorous and kind article on dating advice for short men. As a 23-year-old man of 5’6 with some acne and no romantic experience to speak of, I need all the self-esteem boosts I can get. I wouldn’t say that I’ve got a huge chip on my shoulder about it, but I fear that I may be headed in that direction.

That said, I believe my predicament goes further than my stature. You see, I am currently in grad school at a relatively rural college town full of young persons aged around 18-22, a prime demographic for height prioritization and uninteresting conversations. There don’t appear to be many women older than myself on Tinder, and though I get frequently 4-5 matches every two 2 days or so, no one ever responds, and if they do, the conversations eventually peter out anyway.

Though my program is fully funded and provides a sweet stipend, I found myself having to move back home with my folks for the summer, and this will likely be the case for the remainder of my twenties (I’m aiming for a doctorate), since my field typically doesn’t fund students over the summer. Of course, I can’t really do much to work on dating when I live at home, since living with one’s parents as a young man is considered unbecoming, and also because I will be moving back to school several hundred miles away in a few weeks. With all of that in mind, I could use your help in figuring out where to meet women this next school year. I’ve always been told to “get out there,” but it is not clear to me where “there” is. I don’t believe bars would be the best fit for me (for the aforementioned reason concerning my height), and there aren’t many opportunities for meeting grad students in other departments. I do love visiting the university’s art gallery and nearby bookstore, but those seem like unpromising settings to encounter the same person routinely and strike up an acquaintanceship that could lead to something more, don’t you think?

One last thing. Though I am a little awkward and shy, my sense of humor has always been an immense social asset. I have always been the hilarious guy in any group, and I have always had many female friends or acquaintances, but I simply don’t know how proceed. I thank you very much for your kindness and willingness to help me out with this.

Piled Higher and Deeper

DEAR PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER: This is the sort of problem that can be split into two separate, if related issues.

The first is one of simple demographics. Some people struggle to find dates or relationships, not through any fault of their own but because of pure demographics. Living in a rural area — especially an area where the population is going to vary drastically between seasons — means that you’re going to have a smaller pool to draw from when it comes to meeting people. In cases like this, you essentially have three options. The first is, simply work with what you have. This isn’t always the best choice, and for some, like LGBTQ folks, it can limit your options to single digits… but it is an option. The second is to move. This isn’t always the easiest choice or most viable, especially now, but it is a valid one. If you have the resources — either in terms of money or friends — moving to a locale where the demographics are more in your favor is a perfectly legitimate option. Even if you have to crash on a friend’s couch for a bit or live with roommates until things are a bit more stable, this is an option that a lot of people choose.

The third option is to find ways to expand your dating pool. There’re a number of ways of doing this. One is to expand the radius that you’d be willing to date. A lot of people in small towns will often expand their search radius on dating apps to include more areas, especially if there’s a larger city within a reasonable distance. While this can cut into how often you could meet up with your matches — you do have to factor in commute times — it’s something a number of folks will do, especially if they have their own car or have access to reliable transportation.

Another option is to look less to things like cold approaches or dating apps and start to rely a bit more on the resources you currently have… such as your social circle. Even in this day and age, most people don’t meet their partners on dating apps; the majority of folks tend to meet their partners either through shared activities or through their friends. You may not have a lot of chances to meet people, but your friends very well might. Of course, you have to be somewhat proactive; you can’t just hope that your friends will intuit that you’d like them to possibly introduce you to someone they think you may click with. Letting them know that hey, you’re single, you’re looking, dating apps are kind of a nightmare, and do they know anyone you might click with?

Of course, you also want to put some effort into expanding your social circle and meeting new people. This is part of why — schedules permitting, mind you — it’s worth pursuing hobbies or passions in ways that bring you in contact with other folks who also love those hobbies or passions. Having those shared interests serve as an instant conversational starter as well as make it easier to connect with them and start forging friendships. You may not meet the love of your life at your local tabletop gaming store or a MeetUp for, say, folks interested in podcasting, but you may well meet the people who might introduce you to her.

But let’s talk about your second issue. You’re making a classic mistake, PhD: you’re assuming that your beliefs are fact, and reacting to that, instead of actual experience. This issue runs the gamut, from your height to your living with your parents… none of these are the deal-breaking obstacle that you think they are. You are, however, reacting to them as if they were… and that makes all the difference. As much as I hate the phrase “feels aren’t reals” — mostly because it’s used to imply that someone’s being emotional and not cold-blooded and logical — it certainly applies here. You’re making assumptions about what other people think based off of things that you’re worried about, without actual evidence. I would, in fact, be more than willing to bet that a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling coming from feedback you’re getting primarily from other men, not from the women you’re interested in dating. Men, especially men in certain communities, have a tendency to assume that they’re experts in what women want or think… without actually, y’know. Listening to what the women in question have to say. If I could have a nickel for every time a guy goes off about how women only date men who are x height, have y income or z body types while women are standing there saying “um… no”, I would be swimming through my money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

To start with, let’s talk about living with your parents. First and foremost my dude: the economy is in the s--tter. We are dealing with absolutely unprecedented levels of economic disaster and unemployment. Living with your parents right now isn’t a sign of failure to launch or that you’re some over-developed man-child, it makes a lot of economic sense. Considering that we’re about to see a wave of people getting evicted or foreclosed on — barring some very fast action from Congress (and I wouldn’t hold my breath on that) — the fact that you’ve got a place to stay and helps save you money doesn’t look like you’re immature, it looks like you’re making the smart play.

But even before COVID-19 destroyed the world economy, people were likely to understand. In 2019, nearly a quarter of Americans aged 23 – 30 were living with their parents. Between student debt, an increasingly unaffordable housing market and wages that haven’t kept track with inflation or cost of living, it’s entirely understandable that people aren’t getting apartments or buying houses or condos the way they were back in the 90s or 00’s. Anyone you date would not only understand but likely has friends or relatives who were doing the same thing. For a lot of folks it’s a simple economic necessity.

Would bringing someone home be a little more complicated? Possibly. But not necessarily more so than dealing with bringing someone home when you have roommates. And at 23 and someone going for his doctorate, you should be in a place where you could tell your parents that you’re dating and also sexually active and start making allowances for how that’s going to all work.

(And failing that: there’re still hotels and motels. I recommend the HotelTonight app if you need to find a place last minute.)

Your height is, likewise, a thing that you’re more concerned about than the women you’re likely to date will care about. Just as men are often more flexible in their preferred body types or hair color or what-have-you that folks give them credit for, women are equally as varied and flexible in terms of their types and preferences. While there will always be women who only date men of a certain height — just as there are always men who will only date women of a certain weight or breast size — there’re far, far more who are more concerned with the holistic person and not just whether they can reach the top shelf at the supermarket. And, to be perfectly frank, if a woman isn’t willing to date you because of your height, the flaw doesn’t exist in you, it exists in her. That’s an indicator that she’s someone you don’t want to date. I mean, come on… do you want to date someone that shallow?

And while I’m sure you’ve seen women on Tinder or OKCupid who say “6′ or taller”, they’re not the majority. They’re not even the plurality. They’re just the ones you noticed; you didn’t notice the ones who didn’t have those restrictions in their profile. Confirmation bias is a thing, my dude. If you, to pull a random example, were to buy a Subaru Forester today, tomorrow you would suddenly see Foresters all over the damn place. Not because the number of cars on the road had changed, but because now you’re expecting to see them. They were always there; you just didn’t have cause to notice them before. So it is with dating apps; you’re noticing the women whose height preferences exclude you because you’re looking for them, even if you don’t realize it. You’re not seeing the ones who don’t because their existence isn’t as meaningful to you right now.

Change your outlook and you’ll notice far more women who’d be dying to give you a shot. And as an aside? When women have a problem with short guys, it’s not because of their height… it’s because of their attitude. If you’re someone who’s not hung up about his height, then you’re going to have far, far fewer problems than you’d expect.

And, incidentally: consider dating tall women. They love guys who are confident in themselves to not be intimidated by an amazon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com