DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you anyways because I really need your help. I’m actually pretty ashamed of my problems too. I despise the way I think and feel, yet no matter how hard I try to repress them, they just keep resurfacing. I feel like I have to repress them because if I try to express my thoughts and feelings to another person, I’ll most likely be vilified. Hell, even I would shun me. But you seem like a very intelligent individual with an open mind, so maybe you can help.

So just a little information about me to offer some insight. I’m eighteen and male. I reside in Canada. I also have dyslexia, ADHD and depression. I grew up in a small town which I, sadly, still live in. Drug use runs rampant throughout the town (I, myself, don’t do drugs anymore). There’s a colossal amount of racism as well (I’m also not racist). And everyone seems to hate each other.

This led to me slowly isolating myself and growing cynical over the years. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anybody. The only role models I’ve ever had was fictional characters like Dr. House or Temperance “Bones” Brennan. My parents, bluntly speaking, emotionally neglected me. The other kids essentially bullied me.

This finally brings me to the whole reason I’ve decided to write this. The worst of the maltreatment was at the hands of women. Both by my mother and female peers. My mother cheated on my father and manipulated us my entire life. My peers called me names. Like ugly, dumb or weird, to name a few.

I used to support feminism. But now I’m on the fence about it and women in general. I’ve only ever been hurt in relationships with women. So I’ve now become especially cynical towards them. I really wish I didn’t think this way, and I feel stupid for it, but I do. I don’t want to overgeneralize but when I look around me all I can see are affirmations. I also read stories online which makes me believe that women will always treat me disdainfully.

I hate to pester you with my problems but you’re honestly the only person I can think of that can help me at this point. How do I stop thinking and feeling like this? I despise it more than anything.

Sincerely yours,

Conflicted Dyslexic

DEAR CONFUSED DYSLEXIC: First of all, I’m sorry that you’ve had all of this pain in your life, CD. Things have been hard for you and you’ve been hurt immensely. It’s good that you recognize how unreasonable a lot of this is. It doesn’t matter that you feel powerless right now; recognizing that things are wrong and asking for help are significant steps to breaking through and taking control of your life and your mind.

Now, let me give you some wisdom1 that will help you immensely when dealing with a lot of issues around your self-esteem and self-image: Depression lies. Depression lies a lot. It will lie to you about everything and those lies will be believable because you hear them in your own voice. Depression lies to you in ways that you will never detect because it will quite literally changes how you see the world. This isn’t hyperbole: your brain processes information based on what it expects to receive. To illustrate this concept, I want you to check out this video about what’s known as “The McGurk Effect”: https://nrdlv.co/3hpVKWf. As you watch it, notice how you will literally hear something different because of what you expect based on lip movements.

This applies to how you think about things too; once you come to expect a certain behavior or treatment from people – women, for example – you’re going to see it everywhere because your brain filters out evidence to the contrary. This is known as confirmation bias, and we’re all prone to it. We see the things we expect to see and ignore the things that aren’t “relevant” to those expectations. Those affirmations that you’re seeing? You’re seeing them BECAUSE expecting them, and you’re missing the other options. Much like someone who thinks that feminists are man-hating ball-busters who think all sex is rape, they’ll point to Andrea Dworkin’s writing and miss… basically every third-wave and post-third wave feminist writer ever.

So before we get too far into things, you need to consider the distinct possibility that you’re wrong about a lot of things here. Not about how you feel: that’s very real. But the CAUSE of those feelings, on the other hand, are suspect, and that is where we need to start.

So let’s start with the obvious: before you decide that you’re sad and pathetic and the world despises you, you should probably make sure that you’re not, in fact, surrounded by a--holes.

The people in our lives have immense power over us. We are, functionally, the sum of the people we spend the most time with. When you’re surrounding yourself with people who love and support you, who have your back and give you encouragement when you need it, you become stronger, better and happier. When you’re surrounded by toxic a--holes, on the other hand, you can find everything good in your life rots away and leaves you with nothing but filth and shame.

The fact that a--holes get you down doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Rivers will wear down rocks and carve canyons into the earth when given enough time. Torrents of bulls--t and hate will carve grooves into your heart, soul and brain if stay in the deluge. Toxic relationships – both platonic and romantic – will make you think that you’re the problem and not the s--tty people who’re dripping poison in your ear. Not having a “Team You” in your life – those friends and family who’re there for you, who help you and cheer you on – makes you even more vulnerable to the a--holes in the world. And believe me, they love to make you think that you’re the problem. That’s their gift.

But, like depression: they lie. They’ll lie and lie until you believe it and let those lies color everything in your life.

So now it’s time to break free.

There are two things you need right now. The first is that you need to talk to a counselor or therapist, not just a loud-mouth with a dating advice column. You’re in a lot of pain and a therapist – especially one who deals with depression – is going to be the right person to help untangle everything and find you therapies that will help you. Even if there aren’t any in your immediate area, there ARE therapists who will work with you via telemedicine and services like Zoom or Skype. I would strongly suggest starting there and beginning the process of finding the right therapist to help you out. Maybe talk therapy will work for you. Maybe medication will help in combination with other forms of therapy will do the trick. It may take time and experimentation to find the combo that works for you. It will be frustrating. It will be maddening at times. But trust me: it will be worth it when it clicks for you.

It’s also worth noting: your ADHD ties into a LOT of this. One of the underreported aspects of ADHD is how much it exacerbates issues like depression and social anxiety. If you aren’t already getting treatment for that, then I strongly suggest that you bring it up with your therapist. Getting on the right medications can help get your ADHD under control and, quite possibly, take some of the edge off the other issues as well.

The next thing you need to do is get the f--k out of town. Start saving up every penny you can and put it into a “buying a ticket on the ‘F--k This S--t’ Express” fund. If you have friends in other cities, reach out to them. Leverage your social network to find a place to escape to so you can recover and thrive. Maybe they can connect you with a job. Maybe they can find you a couch to crash on while you get your legs back underneath you and establish yourself in your new locale.

And once you’re there: start reaching out and connecting with people. Not everybody needs to be your new best friend, and most of them shouldn’t. But simply building those human connections will remind you that not all people are horrible, not all women are out to hurt you and that Team You is out there. They’re just waiting for you to come find them.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My problem is pretty straightforward: I’ve lost interest in sex with my wife; really, with anyone. I still can get turned on by some porn and masturbate, so the problem isn’t the plumbing (though as I’ve gotten older — I’m 40 — my erection has become less reliable and I do worry about that). Mostly, the effort to connect, to perform, to make things happen, is just freaking exhausting and not at all pleasurable for me. And when she tries to get me interested, I just feel like I’m under assault.

I’ve always had a drop off in libido over long-term relationships — I found the early meetings exciting, but over time I got less and less responsive. It happened faster in each relationship, and in just a few months in this one. Yet we stayed together, which maybe tells you something about how well we fit in some ways.

It’s been eight years together now, five years married. But we’ve made zero progress in improving our sex lives. We tried couples counseling a handful of times, but it was too emotionally intense for her and we would up canceling. (She doesn’t much like talking about emotions or anything intimate.) I’ve also been in individual therapy several days a week for four years, but while that has helped in some broader areas of my life, it hasn’t shown many results in the bedroom.

I’m at a loss as to where to go from here. I feel like I want sex, I want connection, but in the abstract only. When it becomes flesh and blood, I retreat.

I hate talking about this stuff with her. And I hate the thought of letting her into my fantasy world. (I’m generally turned on by scenes of seduction and boundary-crossing; I’ve done some voyeuristic exploration at kink events; I also have recently started to wonder if I’m bi, just judging from the porn that I’ve started to gravitate toward.) But I love her, too. I worry that I am — or maybe she and I are both — too immature, even at this late date, to ever truly connect sexually with each other or with anyone else.

What do you recommend?

Lust has Gone Bust

DEAR LUST HAS GONE BUST: I’m kind of getting the impression that you already know what you want to do, LGB and you’re asking me for permission, not help.

But let’s run with the assumption that you want to fix things before we go to the next step.

To start with, LGB, I’d recommend getting used to your own arousal patterns and behavior. Everybody has drop-offs in passion in the course of a long-term relationship; that’s part of being a mammal. But the fact that it happens in just a few months tells me that the problem isn’t the Coolidge Effect, it’s that you get bored.  It sounds to me like most of what you enjoy are the early days of courtship – the new relationship energy, as polyamorists call it – when everything is fresh and new and exciting and getting your new partner in bed is, not necessarily a challenge, but requires effort. When the novelty has worn off and the new has become the norm, you get bored. It becomes less about seduction – something you say you’re aroused by – and more just part of what happens in your relationship.

Now, there are things that you can do to bring back the excitement and novelty in your sex life; one of the easiest would be to change up where and when you two have sex. Even something as simple as acting like a couple teenagers and trying to find a place to park and make out can help reconnect with that feeling of excitement and newness that you had early on. But it’s other things you say that make me suspect you have other issues going on beyond just garden-variety boredom or not being cut out for monogamy.

The first thing that leaps out at me is the fact that your wife doesn’t like talking about emotions and intimate subjects. That… is not good for a long-term relationship. Being partners means that you’re going to have to handle some intense emotional issues. It’s pretty much inevitable. If the two of you can’t sit down and be able to handle unpleasant topics together, then you’re not going to last. Trying to avoid any topic that isn’t simple and pleasant means that you aren’t going to be able to fix things; as a result, you’re just going to be sitting there, both politely trying to ignore the rot that’s setting in the middle of your relationship.

Similarly, you should be able to talk about your sex life and your fantasies. This is someone you share your life with. You’ve been part of each other’s lives for eight years; by this point, there shouldn’t be anything the two of you can’t talk about. That’s what brings me to the other big, spinning red flag in your letter.

The fact that you hate the thought of letting her in is another thing that tells me that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark beyond a need for novelty. Either you’re ashamed of your fantasies or you believe your wife would be; either way, nobody’s talking and that means that nothing can improve. If it’s the former, then you need to change up what you’re talking to your therapist about. You need to do some work on how you can get more comfortable with what actually turns you on and how you can incorporate it into your sex life (not just your fantasy life) and develop some scripts about how you can talk to your wife about them. Now, maybe it’s possible that she can’t handle your (relatively mundane) fantasies; in that case, the two of you are fundamentally sexually incompatible and there’s not much that can be done short of calling it quits and trying to part as amicably as possible.

But – and someone call Sir Mix A Lot because this is a big ol’ but coming – you don’t know how she feels about them… because frankly, neither of you are talking to each other. Not about the important stuff. That’s what you need to try to sort out before you make any decisions about the future of your relationship together.

That is, of course, assuming that you want to fix things.

But unless you’re both willing to make some serious effort, then nothing’s going to get better. You need to figure out how to let your wife in and your wife needs to be willing to meet you half-way and put in her own effort. If the two of you can’t or won’t do that… then the best thing I can say is that it’s time to start making plans about how you’re going to end things.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I moved to to a new country and city three years ago. Before I moved here, I was in my last year of college, I had a girlfriend, lots of friends, and a kick ass body due to the amounts of free time I had in College. It was great, but a chance was presented to move from a third world country to better place, and I took it.

Fast forward three years, and everything has changed. I have an awful job that is only good for paying for the bills of four days a week with 11 hours shifts, I have no friends outside of work, no girlfriend, and my kick ass body has been replaced by a 224 pounds man that I don’t recognize in the mirror.

My question is how do I start over in this new place? I want friends, a girlfriend, I want to stop feeling like s--t. I know you have to grow up at some time, but man it’s been a rough three years.

A word of advice would be nice.

Stranger in a Strange Land

DEAR STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND: It sounds like you’ve let moving to a new country intimidate you, SiSL. It’s understandable; you’re in a completely new area, on your own for the first time likely in your entire life and you don’t have the support system or social circles you had back in your home town. That’s going to do a number on your head and it’s really easy to start sticking to the safe and known, even when it sucks. And when you add in the fact that you hate your life right now… well, I’m not surprised that things aren’t going well for you. So it’s time to start making some proactive changes.

The first thing I’d say is start saving up money wherever you can and looking for a better job. It doesn’t have to be the most amazing job in the world, but it should be something that at least doesn’t kill your soul a little bit more each day. Slinging coffee, waiting tables, barbacking… if it sucks less than your current job, then give it some serious consideration. And as long as you’re looking: start trying to find things outside of work that you enjoy. You’re in a fairly sizable city – there’s going to be a lot of opportunities to indulge in your passions in ways that bring you in contact with other people. Finding MeetUps for things you’re interested, joining a for-fun sports league, even signing up for some continuing education classes will help get you out of your rut and put you in position to make more connections with people. It’ll also give you something to enjoy and look forward to instead of collapsing into sweet oblivion until you have to get up again and repeat the same process.

My final suggestion is to simply move more. Yes, I realize that working 11 hour shifts sucks your life away and leaves you feeling like slithering home is the most you can do, but your body was built to move. If you’re spending most of your time being sedentary… well, I’m not surprised you feel like ass. Even something as simple as taking a 20 minute walk, three times a week, can help you feel better, physically and emotionally. Exercise helps spur endorphins that go straight to your brain, increases blood flow and oxygenation and helps you sleep better – all of which is going to improve your mood and sense of well-being. It’s a small, simple thing, but major improvements are made up of small, simple things. Taking care of yourself, even in this small way, will go a long way towards getting you back to being the person you know you can be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m looking for some perspective. My husband of 13 years is having boundary issues with a colleague. They became close when he had a depressive episode last year and confided in her instead of me. He said a lot of things to her that made me uncomfortable, including comments about our relationship and our finances. I read his messages and have proof. I confessed to him what I saw and we had a talk and he now says he “doesn’t consider her a friend”. Yet, today he is having lunch with her, because he “would love to see” her (yes, I am still reading his messages because I don’t trust him) and hasn’t told me about it.

People who don’t consider someone their friend don’t say things like that.

We have a close and intimate partnership otherwise, and he frequently tells me that I never make him feel unsafe with his issues. But he has also white-lied to me in other little ways when it was totally unnecessary. I know they don’t have a physical relationship, but I am sick of being lied to and don’t understand why he can’t just be open with me.

We both have therapists but can’t afford therapy together. I feel like I’ve already done the nuclear option and now I don’t know what else to do. I also know what I am doing is very bad but I can’t just stop, knowing all this. I don’t like being an undercover agent but I also need to protect myself. What now?

Paranoid

DEAR PARANOID: Well you asked, but I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer.

I don’t think your husband is the one with boundary issues here, Paranoid. Pretty sure the person snooping through his messages and keeping tabs of his relationships with other people is the one who’s having issues with boundaries.

Why is your husband confiding in someone besides you? Well… because sometimes folks need to talk to someone besides their partner. It’s good to have friends outside of your marriage, including emotionally close, intimate friendships. After all, one person can’t and shouldn’t be all things to someone else. Even under the best of circumstances, that puts an intolerable strain on the entire relationship. Sometimes what a person needs is a sympathetic ear with someone who isn’t also neck-deep in their problems or concerns. Especially if their partner is part of the concerns. People have a right to talk with their friends about their relationships, especially if they need to vent or get an outside perspective. The same goes for their finances. If he has worries and wants to discuss things with somebody who might have a fresh perspective — or who he hasn’t gone round and round about them before with no resolution — then it’s entirely understandable that he’d talk to his friend about it.

Why has he lied about her “not being a friend”? Well… because frankly, it’s because you were snooping and telling him not to have perfectly normal and acceptable conversations with his friend. He’s lying to smooth your ruffled feathers and try to keep the peace while also maintaining a friendship that’s clearly important to him. The fact that you’re upset about it — especially when you know that they’re not crossing boundaries or getting physical — is the bigger issue here than “he has a friend of the opposite sex”. He’s trying to appease you while maintaining a friendship that provides emotional support. The reason why he’s lying about it is because, frankly, from this end of things it seems like you’re getting upset about it to a degree that doesn’t seem warranted. Like, at all.

But there’s also the fact that you are continuing to violate his privacy by snooping on him and his messages. That, quite frankly, is a much bigger violation of trust than the fact that he has a friend. If you don’t trust him — even knowing that there’s nothing untoward going on — that’s on you and something YOU need to be working on, not him. Because, straight talk: what you’re doing isn’t going to save your marriage or fix things. Your monitoring him and snooping in his messages isn’t going to stop him from cheating if he were going to cheat. What it will do is drive him the f--k away… quite possibly even into the arms of someone else who isn’t violating his privacy or giving him s--t about perfectly acceptable behavior.

If you can’t work on your own lack of trust, your unwillingness to STOP invading his privacy and to not treat “having a friend” as some huge sin, then your marriage is going to come to a screeching halt and no amount of spying and snooping is going to save it.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not exactly one for reaching out for help on the internet (or in general), but at this point I’ll take advice wherever I can get it.

As you can probably tell, this isn’t my area of expertise. I’ve had very little experience with dating despite the fact that I’m heading into the second half of my twenties.

Recently, after a few months of building up courage and trying not to psych myself out, I finally asked out a girl I liked, and she said yes.

For about a month, things were going pretty great. It wasn’t anything serious, but we were having a good time. Until one night, I screwed everything up. I had an awkward moment where I accidentally said something that basically implied I thought some other girl we know was “out of my league.” I apologized for it, and she sad it was alright, but after that she seemed to sour on the whole thing and decided to call it off.

That was two months ago, and I cannot seem to let it go. I tried apologizing more, and asking her to give me another chance (which probably hurt more than it helped), but she said that she just wants to be “friends”. I want to respect that, but I just can’t stop beating myself up over the way things ended. I know it was barely a month-long relationship, but I feel like any confidence I had has been completely shattered by this experience. (It’s not helped by the fact that I still have to see spend five hours once a week in the same room as her at work). Common sense says I have to move on, but that just seems so difficult right now.

Any advice?

Foot In Mouth Disease

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE: here’s what happened, FIMD: you accidentally told your girlfriend that her biggest plus was that she was attainable. That is pretty decidedly not what women want to hear from someone they’re dating; there’s little that’s less romantic than being told “well, you’re the best I could get.”

Not really surprising that she didn’t want to keep seeing you afterwards. But all the apologizing and begging for another chance? That’s not helping. Begging’s not a good look on anyone to begin with, and you’re going so overboard with your apologies that it’s starting to be about you, not about the fact that you insulted her. You’re no longer trying to make amends, you’re making a spectacle of yourself by demanding that she forgive you because you need it. I’m not exactly surprised she’s not chomping at the bit to see you again.

So what do you do? Well you start working on your social intelligence by letting this go. Seriously man, constantly dwelling on it and indulging in this self-flagellation isn’t helpful. It’s the emotional equivalent of Dobby beating himself because he got Harry Potter’s Starbucks order wrong. It’s awkward for everyone around you and it’s counterproductive. You said something stupid. It sucks, but it happens, especially when you’re relatively new to dating. Jamming your foot deep down your mouth is part of the learning process. Beating yourself up over a rookie mistake just means you’re never going to get better. You have to be willing to accept that yes, you f--ked up and resolve not to make the same mistake in the future.

Here’s the phrase you need to repeat to yourself: it is what it is. You made a mistake. It sucks, but it is what it is. Now it’s time to cowboy up, dust yourself off and learn from it. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com