DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I have a consent problem. My girlfriend has started getting really annoyed with me asking for consent - especially when it comes to kissing. I’ve told her that I’ve been told that it’s sexual assault to kiss without verbal consent but she says it’s a BIG turn off to be asked.

She says she wants it to be spontaneous/natural and she says we should trust each other enough to just say “no”. She applies this to oral sex as well - she says she’d prefer if I just went for it and trust her to say no if she doesn’t want it. I don’t know what to do - feminists tell me it has to be verbal every time for every single act including removing clothing, but my girlfriend wants to be spontaneous and natural. I can tell this is becoming a big issue for her - what should I do?!?!

Confused About Consent

DEAR CONFUSED ABOUT CONSENT: I think either you’ve misunderstood things or you’ve been listening to people who’ve told you what feminists want without actually listening to what people have actually SAID about enthusiastic consent. Enthusiastic consent isn’t about asking every step of the way, it’s about confirming that your partner wants to do things that you want to do too.

Now to be fair: asking at each stage is one way to ensure you’re getting an unambiguous yes. However, there are a number of ways to ask for or give consent that don’t involve asking yes/no questions, especially when you have an established relationship with them. Someone responding enthusiastically when you move in to kiss them, for example, is showing that yes, they want to kiss you — especially by giving them time to give you the wave-off, or you move in and give them the chance to move the rest of the way and initiate the kiss themselves. If they give you the cheek, hold up a hand, don’t move in to close the distance, or otherwise don’t give an unambiguous signal to keep going, they’re demonstrating pretty clearly that no, they don’t want to kiss you. Alternately, asking for consent can be part of dirty talk – a “I want to do X to you so badly,” “Do you want Y, baby?”  “I need Z, right now”. You can check in as you’re making out – a breathy “do you like that?” can be incredibly sexy. You can also slow things down, particularly during foreplay. Think, for example, of slowly kissing your way down your girlfriend’s neck and torso. Not only does this give her time to give a “yes” or “no” – which may well be grabbing you by the ears and pulling you forward – but the anticipation can heighten the excitement.

But more to the point: your girlfriend’s given you a certain amount of implied consent to kiss her or to escalate things during make-outs and sex. She’s told you, specifically, how SHE prefers you escalates things. Not every woman is going to feel this way, obviously, but your girlfriend has let you know, in no uncertain terms that this is how she wants you to proceed.

To be sure: she can change her mind about what she does and doesn’t consent to at any time. She can tell you that ok, she WOULD prefer you check in verbally before initiating anything. But right now, she’s told you straight up that she prefers that you just kiss her instead of asking. So, y’know. Kiss her already.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in college and have no idea how to dating or hooking up or anything related, but I think I’m going to be able to hook up with someone soon and an awkward thought popped up into my head: do I shave? Especially…you know…down there.

This probably sounds like a stupid question with a no-brainer answer, but I legitimately don’t know and definitely can’t ask the people around me, so I figured I’d try here. Thanks!

Untrimmed Hedges

DEAR UNTRIMMED HEDGES: Body grooming and pubic hair maintenance tends to be a matter of fashion more than anything else; trends about who’s supposed to have how much hair where have varied immensely over the millennia. Roman women used to pluck their pubic hair out completely. Egyptian men used to go almost completely hairless. Burt Reynolds posed naked on a bear-skin rug that was almost as furry as he was and started a trend of hairy-chested masculinity. Right now, the trends in men’s body hair tends to follow gay porn; once gay male pornstars started having freshly waxed chests and boyzilians, straight dudes started to follow.

But as with all trends, the pendulum swings both ways, and there’ll always be people with strong opinions about body hair that don’t follow what the movie stars and celebrities do. So the answer is – for the most part – roll with what you feel most comfortable with. If you want to shave your legs, knock yourself out; lots of athletes do so before matches. If you wanna get the waxing trifecta at the estheticians, go for it. If you’re happy and hirsute, get down with your fuzzy self. If you want to do something in between, then consider a trim, rather than removal and be artful about it. Cutting everything to one length looks weird. Leave your chest hair a bit longer than the hair on your lower-torso, and if you’re going to depilate your abs (the better to show them off, my dear), then make sure you keep the treasure-trail from your navel on down.

It’s worth noting that preferences about body hair, how much and where, will also vary from person to person. Some folks like their partners to be smoother than a baby’s butt. Some folks like their partners to be all kinds of fuzzy. So there will always be a balancing act between what you prefer and the things that your potential partners are into. My rule of thumb is: go with whatever makes you feel the sexiest, then decide if you want to adjust things when you’re in a relationship with someone. Maybe you’ll like it because they like it, maybe you’ll decide you prefer your previous grooming routine… but that’s a “shave that bridge when we come to it” situation.

All that being said, while most people will appreciate some careful maintenance of their pubic hair, women in general aren’t crazy about completely bald junk. Not only does it carry images of prepubescence, but ingrown hairs are a motherf—ker — especially there, and crotch stubble ain’t fun when you’re bumping uglies. So I’d suggest trimming things and keeping it nice and neat without going so short it becomes scratchy and irritating. And be sure to use a trimmer made specifically for body hair, not just your face; the hair on your torso’s a different texture and thickness and trying to use your beard trimmer is going to end up with a lot of uncomfortable snags and pulls.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you anyways because I really need your help. I’m actually pretty ashamed of my problems too. I despise the way I think and feel, yet no matter how hard I try to repress them, they just keep resurfacing. I feel like I have to repress them because if I try to express my thoughts and feelings to another person, I’ll most likely be vilified. Hell, even I would shun me. But you seem like a very intelligent individual with an open mind, so maybe you can help.

So just a little information about me to offer some insight. I’m eighteen and male. I reside in Canada. I also have dyslexia, ADHD and depression. I grew up in a small town which I, sadly, still live in. Drug use runs rampant throughout the town (I, myself, don’t do drugs anymore). There’s a colossal amount of racism as well (I’m also not racist). And everyone seems to hate each other.

This led to me slowly isolating myself and growing cynical over the years. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anybody. The only role models I’ve ever had was fictional characters like Dr. House or Temperance “Bones” Brennan. My parents, bluntly speaking, emotionally neglected me. The other kids essentially bullied me.

This finally brings me to the whole reason I’ve decided to write this. The worst of the maltreatment was at the hands of women. Both by my mother and female peers. My mother cheated on my father and manipulated us my entire life. My peers called me names. Like ugly, dumb or weird, to name a few.

I used to support feminism. But now I’m on the fence about it and women in general. I’ve only ever been hurt in relationships with women. So I’ve now become especially cynical towards them. I really wish I didn’t think this way, and I feel stupid for it, but I do. I don’t want to overgeneralize but when I look around me all I can see are affirmations. I also read stories online which makes me believe that women will always treat me disdainfully.

I hate to pester you with my problems but you’re honestly the only person I can think of that can help me at this point. How do I stop thinking and feeling like this? I despise it more than anything.

Sincerely yours,

Conflicted Dyslexic

DEAR CONFUSED DYSLEXIC: First of all, I’m sorry that you’ve had all of this pain in your life, CD. Things have been hard for you and you’ve been hurt immensely. It’s good that you recognize how unreasonable a lot of this is. It doesn’t matter that you feel powerless right now; recognizing that things are wrong and asking for help are significant steps to breaking through and taking control of your life and your mind.

Now, let me give you some wisdom1 that will help you immensely when dealing with a lot of issues around your self-esteem and self-image: Depression lies. Depression lies a lot. It will lie to you about everything and those lies will be believable because you hear them in your own voice. Depression lies to you in ways that you will never detect because it will quite literally changes how you see the world. This isn’t hyperbole: your brain processes information based on what it expects to receive. To illustrate this concept, I want you to check out this video about what’s known as “The McGurk Effect”: https://nrdlv.co/3hpVKWf. As you watch it, notice how you will literally hear something different because of what you expect based on lip movements.

This applies to how you think about things too; once you come to expect a certain behavior or treatment from people – women, for example – you’re going to see it everywhere because your brain filters out evidence to the contrary. This is known as confirmation bias, and we’re all prone to it. We see the things we expect to see and ignore the things that aren’t “relevant” to those expectations. Those affirmations that you’re seeing? You’re seeing them BECAUSE expecting them, and you’re missing the other options. Much like someone who thinks that feminists are man-hating ball-busters who think all sex is rape, they’ll point to Andrea Dworkin’s writing and miss… basically every third-wave and post-third wave feminist writer ever.

So before we get too far into things, you need to consider the distinct possibility that you’re wrong about a lot of things here. Not about how you feel: that’s very real. But the CAUSE of those feelings, on the other hand, are suspect, and that is where we need to start.

So let’s start with the obvious: before you decide that you’re sad and pathetic and the world despises you, you should probably make sure that you’re not, in fact, surrounded by a--holes.

The people in our lives have immense power over us. We are, functionally, the sum of the people we spend the most time with. When you’re surrounding yourself with people who love and support you, who have your back and give you encouragement when you need it, you become stronger, better and happier. When you’re surrounded by toxic a--holes, on the other hand, you can find everything good in your life rots away and leaves you with nothing but filth and shame.

The fact that a--holes get you down doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Rivers will wear down rocks and carve canyons into the earth when given enough time. Torrents of bulls--t and hate will carve grooves into your heart, soul and brain if stay in the deluge. Toxic relationships – both platonic and romantic – will make you think that you’re the problem and not the s--tty people who’re dripping poison in your ear. Not having a “Team You” in your life – those friends and family who’re there for you, who help you and cheer you on – makes you even more vulnerable to the a--holes in the world. And believe me, they love to make you think that you’re the problem. That’s their gift.

But, like depression: they lie. They’ll lie and lie until you believe it and let those lies color everything in your life.

So now it’s time to break free.

There are two things you need right now. The first is that you need to talk to a counselor or therapist, not just a loud-mouth with a dating advice column. You’re in a lot of pain and a therapist – especially one who deals with depression – is going to be the right person to help untangle everything and find you therapies that will help you. Even if there aren’t any in your immediate area, there ARE therapists who will work with you via telemedicine and services like Zoom or Skype. I would strongly suggest starting there and beginning the process of finding the right therapist to help you out. Maybe talk therapy will work for you. Maybe medication will help in combination with other forms of therapy will do the trick. It may take time and experimentation to find the combo that works for you. It will be frustrating. It will be maddening at times. But trust me: it will be worth it when it clicks for you.

It’s also worth noting: your ADHD ties into a LOT of this. One of the underreported aspects of ADHD is how much it exacerbates issues like depression and social anxiety. If you aren’t already getting treatment for that, then I strongly suggest that you bring it up with your therapist. Getting on the right medications can help get your ADHD under control and, quite possibly, take some of the edge off the other issues as well.

The next thing you need to do is get the f--k out of town. Start saving up every penny you can and put it into a “buying a ticket on the ‘F--k This S--t’ Express” fund. If you have friends in other cities, reach out to them. Leverage your social network to find a place to escape to so you can recover and thrive. Maybe they can connect you with a job. Maybe they can find you a couch to crash on while you get your legs back underneath you and establish yourself in your new locale.

And once you’re there: start reaching out and connecting with people. Not everybody needs to be your new best friend, and most of them shouldn’t. But simply building those human connections will remind you that not all people are horrible, not all women are out to hurt you and that Team You is out there. They’re just waiting for you to come find them.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My problem is pretty straightforward: I’ve lost interest in sex with my wife; really, with anyone. I still can get turned on by some porn and masturbate, so the problem isn’t the plumbing (though as I’ve gotten older — I’m 40 — my erection has become less reliable and I do worry about that). Mostly, the effort to connect, to perform, to make things happen, is just freaking exhausting and not at all pleasurable for me. And when she tries to get me interested, I just feel like I’m under assault.

I’ve always had a drop off in libido over long-term relationships — I found the early meetings exciting, but over time I got less and less responsive. It happened faster in each relationship, and in just a few months in this one. Yet we stayed together, which maybe tells you something about how well we fit in some ways.

It’s been eight years together now, five years married. But we’ve made zero progress in improving our sex lives. We tried couples counseling a handful of times, but it was too emotionally intense for her and we would up canceling. (She doesn’t much like talking about emotions or anything intimate.) I’ve also been in individual therapy several days a week for four years, but while that has helped in some broader areas of my life, it hasn’t shown many results in the bedroom.

I’m at a loss as to where to go from here. I feel like I want sex, I want connection, but in the abstract only. When it becomes flesh and blood, I retreat.

I hate talking about this stuff with her. And I hate the thought of letting her into my fantasy world. (I’m generally turned on by scenes of seduction and boundary-crossing; I’ve done some voyeuristic exploration at kink events; I also have recently started to wonder if I’m bi, just judging from the porn that I’ve started to gravitate toward.) But I love her, too. I worry that I am — or maybe she and I are both — too immature, even at this late date, to ever truly connect sexually with each other or with anyone else.

What do you recommend?

Lust has Gone Bust

DEAR LUST HAS GONE BUST: I’m kind of getting the impression that you already know what you want to do, LGB and you’re asking me for permission, not help.

But let’s run with the assumption that you want to fix things before we go to the next step.

To start with, LGB, I’d recommend getting used to your own arousal patterns and behavior. Everybody has drop-offs in passion in the course of a long-term relationship; that’s part of being a mammal. But the fact that it happens in just a few months tells me that the problem isn’t the Coolidge Effect, it’s that you get bored.  It sounds to me like most of what you enjoy are the early days of courtship – the new relationship energy, as polyamorists call it – when everything is fresh and new and exciting and getting your new partner in bed is, not necessarily a challenge, but requires effort. When the novelty has worn off and the new has become the norm, you get bored. It becomes less about seduction – something you say you’re aroused by – and more just part of what happens in your relationship.

Now, there are things that you can do to bring back the excitement and novelty in your sex life; one of the easiest would be to change up where and when you two have sex. Even something as simple as acting like a couple teenagers and trying to find a place to park and make out can help reconnect with that feeling of excitement and newness that you had early on. But it’s other things you say that make me suspect you have other issues going on beyond just garden-variety boredom or not being cut out for monogamy.

The first thing that leaps out at me is the fact that your wife doesn’t like talking about emotions and intimate subjects. That… is not good for a long-term relationship. Being partners means that you’re going to have to handle some intense emotional issues. It’s pretty much inevitable. If the two of you can’t sit down and be able to handle unpleasant topics together, then you’re not going to last. Trying to avoid any topic that isn’t simple and pleasant means that you aren’t going to be able to fix things; as a result, you’re just going to be sitting there, both politely trying to ignore the rot that’s setting in the middle of your relationship.

Similarly, you should be able to talk about your sex life and your fantasies. This is someone you share your life with. You’ve been part of each other’s lives for eight years; by this point, there shouldn’t be anything the two of you can’t talk about. That’s what brings me to the other big, spinning red flag in your letter.

The fact that you hate the thought of letting her in is another thing that tells me that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark beyond a need for novelty. Either you’re ashamed of your fantasies or you believe your wife would be; either way, nobody’s talking and that means that nothing can improve. If it’s the former, then you need to change up what you’re talking to your therapist about. You need to do some work on how you can get more comfortable with what actually turns you on and how you can incorporate it into your sex life (not just your fantasy life) and develop some scripts about how you can talk to your wife about them. Now, maybe it’s possible that she can’t handle your (relatively mundane) fantasies; in that case, the two of you are fundamentally sexually incompatible and there’s not much that can be done short of calling it quits and trying to part as amicably as possible.

But – and someone call Sir Mix A Lot because this is a big ol’ but coming – you don’t know how she feels about them… because frankly, neither of you are talking to each other. Not about the important stuff. That’s what you need to try to sort out before you make any decisions about the future of your relationship together.

That is, of course, assuming that you want to fix things.

But unless you’re both willing to make some serious effort, then nothing’s going to get better. You need to figure out how to let your wife in and your wife needs to be willing to meet you half-way and put in her own effort. If the two of you can’t or won’t do that… then the best thing I can say is that it’s time to start making plans about how you’re going to end things.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I moved to to a new country and city three years ago. Before I moved here, I was in my last year of college, I had a girlfriend, lots of friends, and a kick ass body due to the amounts of free time I had in College. It was great, but a chance was presented to move from a third world country to better place, and I took it.

Fast forward three years, and everything has changed. I have an awful job that is only good for paying for the bills of four days a week with 11 hours shifts, I have no friends outside of work, no girlfriend, and my kick ass body has been replaced by a 224 pounds man that I don’t recognize in the mirror.

My question is how do I start over in this new place? I want friends, a girlfriend, I want to stop feeling like s--t. I know you have to grow up at some time, but man it’s been a rough three years.

A word of advice would be nice.

Stranger in a Strange Land

DEAR STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND: It sounds like you’ve let moving to a new country intimidate you, SiSL. It’s understandable; you’re in a completely new area, on your own for the first time likely in your entire life and you don’t have the support system or social circles you had back in your home town. That’s going to do a number on your head and it’s really easy to start sticking to the safe and known, even when it sucks. And when you add in the fact that you hate your life right now… well, I’m not surprised that things aren’t going well for you. So it’s time to start making some proactive changes.

The first thing I’d say is start saving up money wherever you can and looking for a better job. It doesn’t have to be the most amazing job in the world, but it should be something that at least doesn’t kill your soul a little bit more each day. Slinging coffee, waiting tables, barbacking… if it sucks less than your current job, then give it some serious consideration. And as long as you’re looking: start trying to find things outside of work that you enjoy. You’re in a fairly sizable city – there’s going to be a lot of opportunities to indulge in your passions in ways that bring you in contact with other people. Finding MeetUps for things you’re interested, joining a for-fun sports league, even signing up for some continuing education classes will help get you out of your rut and put you in position to make more connections with people. It’ll also give you something to enjoy and look forward to instead of collapsing into sweet oblivion until you have to get up again and repeat the same process.

My final suggestion is to simply move more. Yes, I realize that working 11 hour shifts sucks your life away and leaves you feeling like slithering home is the most you can do, but your body was built to move. If you’re spending most of your time being sedentary… well, I’m not surprised you feel like ass. Even something as simple as taking a 20 minute walk, three times a week, can help you feel better, physically and emotionally. Exercise helps spur endorphins that go straight to your brain, increases blood flow and oxygenation and helps you sleep better – all of which is going to improve your mood and sense of well-being. It’s a small, simple thing, but major improvements are made up of small, simple things. Taking care of yourself, even in this small way, will go a long way towards getting you back to being the person you know you can be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com