DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met my now husband in college, where he was friends with a man I’ll call Nate. I started dating my husband and became friends with Nate junior year. When my husband and I broke up, Nate and I became closer and eventually best friends. Things did get romantic between us, but with Nate’s constant ghosting and critiquing of my body, I truly thought he didn’t care about me the way I did him and I let my feelings wane.

Cut to two years later my husband and I reconnect and Nate loses his mind. For the first six months of the relationship, he would constantly call and tell me he loved me and how upset he was that he and I never tried to be a real couple. I had to let the friendship go for a time since I didn’t want my then boyfriend, now husband, to feel threatened. We got engaged and married pretty quickly and have been happily wed for over seven years now. Every now and then I message Nate to make sure he’s doing okay as I still care about my former best friend. Husband is not friends with Nate currently, but trusts me in my interactions with him. I show him every message for full transparency.

Here is the problem. Nate met a girl this year and was set to marry her next year, so I assumed it was okay to resume the friendship. But two nights ago they called it off, based on a confession of a past secret on his part that seemed to be a deal breaker. Being his best friend for so long, I can only think of two deal breakers that might have forced her hand, his premarital relations with me being one of them. (She was abstinent, waiting till marriage, and so was he before we had a couple of… entanglements.)

How do I covertly find out if I’m the reason he’s no longer getting married without stressing Nate out anymore than he is right now, and in a way that won’t make my husband uncomfortable? I know it shouldn’t be my business, but if Nate still has feelings for me or blames me subconsciously for ruining his happiness, I need to know to cut him off again. Like I said, I love my husband and have no intention of throwing away our relationship, but if there’s a chance I can still be platonic friends with Nate I’d like to at least try. Just not if he still loves me.

Dates of Futures Past

DEAR DATES OF FUTURES PAST: You’re right, DFP, it’s none of your business, and making it yours is only going to lead to trouble.

You were best friends with him for two years, and then just acquaintances for seven, when he couldn’t handle you and your husband getting together. You’re making a lot of assumptions about what “must” have happened based on very little evidence… evidence that, at this point, is seven years out of date. I mean, that’s a long time for him to come up with new complications and new potential deal-breakers that his fiancée wouldn’t approve of. And that’s before getting into issues that may have only come up while the two of them were together.

The only thing you can really do is say “oh man, I’m so sorry. What happened?” There really isn’t any way to say “you didn’t break up because of me?” without either sounding like you’re centering the whole thing on you or coming off as really arrogant.

Plus, what’re you gonna do if he says “no, it had nothing to do with you”? Is that going to be enough to satisfy your worry, or are you going to still be on the look out for signs that he’s still carrying a torch for you? If you want to try to stay friends with him, then you pretty much have to take Nate at his word because, frankly, if you don’t trust him to be honest with you, that’s not exactly a friendship that’s gonna last, y’know?

I’m also not entirely sure where your husband or your marriage figure into this. Nate having feelings for you has nothing to do with your relationship to your husband. I’m not entirely sure how you would “throw away your relationship” if it turned out that Nate still had feelings for you. I mean, if your husband would be getting pi--y about your being friends with someone who was attracted to you, even if you had no interest in them, that’s an entirely different kettle of fish.

But regardless, here’s the thing: if he’s still hung up on you after seven goddamn years… that’s a “Nate” problem, not a “you” problem. You aren’t responsible for how he feels. You can’t manage his emotions for him. And if you’re going to be constantly monitoring him for signs that he’s still into you… well, you may as well save yourself the mental energy and cut things off now. Whether or not he’s still into you, that’s a sign that you don’t trust him, and that’s ultimately going to undermine your friendship with him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been seeing this guy online for a good 8 months or so. He’s very supportive, kind, silly, sexy, and he doesn’t judge me for having not the best past. We’ve been there for each other, and we’ve helped each other grow a bit. The problem is, we are currently just online FWB.

I’m not so sure I want to be FWB anymore. He knows I care very deeply for him, but hasn’t really given me a response to his feelings for me. He’s been giving me huge mixed signals. One night he told me he prefers to be friends, the next day he tells me he was thinking of me a lot in the hospital, and how he wants to hold my hand and other sweet things like that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be the girl in “Paradise by the dashboard light” and give him a pressuring ultimatum, but I really love him and can’t stand the thought of being an ego boost.

Do I confront him? How? 

Love,

Reading Foggy Tea Leaves

DEAR READING FOGGY TEA LEAVES: Dump his ass.

Sorry. I realize that’s harsh, but he’s straight up jerking you around.

He may be a sweet, supportive guy, but he’s treating you like s--t. You and he want entirely different things. You want an actual relationship with everything that means. He wants continuing access to your body (digitally, anyway) without actually committing. This is why he’s giving you mixed signals and blows hot and cold; he wants to be friends but he also knows that if he doesn’t keep dangling the relationship carrot in front of you, he’s going to be left alone with his stick. As soon as he said “let’s just be friends” he realized that it was a toe over the line and tried to pull you back in by being all lovey-dovey.

He’s taking advantage of the fact that you care for him more than he cares for you and unless you take a stand, that’s all that’s going to happen.

You deserve better than this.

You can give him a heads-up: either you get an answer or you bail… but I’m guessing we both already know what that answer’s going to be.

Drop him like a bad habit and find a dude who is actually in tune with what you want and isn’t going to play games with your emotions.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about shy nerdy guys and sex. I’m married to one of these types of guys – we’ll call him Tom – so I hope you can offer some special insight in this issue. He’s wonderful, funny, sweet, intelligent guy. With the exception of sex, our relationship is perfect. I know – BIG exception. That’s why I’m writing.

I was Tom’s first lover, and he was mine. No one is good at sex when he or she is a virgin, of course. He’s helped me through some sexual issues I had, and has always been great about learning and doing what I ask. I’ve been happy knowing that it will keep getting better–and it has. However, along the way I’ve had trouble with him being easily offended and not very motivated to improve, and so we’ve come to a bit of a standstill.

I’ve been with Tom for over five years and have had an orgasm during sex exactly 3 times. He orgasms every time, which is the determining factor for when we’re “done”. He’s not overly concerned with the fact that I don’t orgasm during sex, because he thinks it “shouldn’t be all about the orgasm” (a line from our therapist when I was working through my sexual issues), and that I’m “really difficult.” I don’t always have to orgasm, and it’s true I am very difficult to get off. I don’t expect him to be a sex god. But am I wrong or selfish to want him to care and work at it? 

Like most women, I need a lot of foreplay plus clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I’m really turned on by cunnilingus, so I’ve tried to urge him to go that route, but to be blunt with you, Doc: He’s no good at it. He doesn’t like to do it very long, doesn’t get into it, and has a pretty wimpy technique. I have a special clitoral vibrator that I use during sex sometimes, which I got in hopes to alleviate the cunnilingus issue, but so far that hasn’t done the trick either (though that might be because it’s loud and annoying). 

However, he does do things I ask, and I know he will listen to me if I bring this up. These are all things I’ve mentioned to him before, but somehow the message just isn’t getting through to him. He doesn’t totally blow me off; rather it seems like he just completely lacks confidence. He constantly tells me he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and then gets frustrated when it’s not good enough.

So my question is: How can I approach this with him without hurting his feelings? Like I said, Tom is a shy geeky guy, which are traits I love about him. I don’t want to offend him. Is there a good way to approach this with sensitive guys?

Signed,

Woman Wanting Good Sex

DEAR WOMAN WANTING GOOD SEX: No, you’re not being selfish.

However – and I hate to be the one to say it WWGS – your husband is being something of a selfish dick. I notice that when it’s YOUR orgasm on the line, he’s all about the holistic sexual experience… but I imagine if you happened to quit giving him oral sex right before the point of no return he’d be all kinds of pissed. Orgasms for me but not for thee and all that and if you complain then all the sudden his fee-fees get hurt.

Look, I can understand the frustration that comes with someone feeling like they’re not good at something that they should be (in this case: getting one’s significant other off) but there comes a point when it’s not about him being sensitive, it’s about him throwing mini-tantrums because… well who knows. So you’re going to have to sit him down and have a bit of a Come (as it were) to Jesus meeting with him. This is one of those times that I would recommend a mix of firmness and positive reinforcement with just a wee bit of appealing to his ego… and possibly the occasional boot-to-ass. It’s time to have an Awkward Conversation with him and advocate for your own needs.

Take some time and have a sit-down with your husband and explain that you just aren’t satisfied with your sex life and you really want his help with it and if he’d just do X, Y and Z which turn you on SO much, you would be ever so grateful. Make it clear: this is a solvable problem, one that you want to work on WITH him so that the sex is good for both of you.

Let’s start with the cunnilingus problem. You get turned on by oral and frankly I agree with my Dan Savage on the subject: Unless previous agreements have been made between partners, oral comes standard and any make or model that doesn’t have it should be returned to the lot. But I’m also not going to tell you to throw the man out because he’s lousy at giving head. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting him over the hump (seriously, I guess we’re not doing phrasing anymore…) – finding out exactly what his problem is with giving oral in the first place and then teaching him how to do a proper job of it. I’m hoping, of course, that your husband’s not to bust out the whole “smell” or “taste” issue; unless you have an actual problem like vaginosis or trichomoniasis (which are pretty hard to miss), this is one of those times that a dude needs to grow the f—k up and get over it. After five years, he should be used to the fact that bodies have smells and flavors. After all I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to complain about the taste of his penis or ejaculate, which doesn’t taste like maple syrup after all.

(Side note: smoking can affect the taste and smell of both men and women’s secretions. If you smoke, this can be a very good way to help motivate you to quit…)

But assuming that it isn’t about that little immaturity, let’s nail down the specifics. Is he bothered by how long it takes? Does he get fatigued midway through or feel like his jaw’s killing him? These are things that take practice… and you’d be more than willing to help him practice. With technique, explain exactly what it is you need, where you need it and just how hard it has to be. It may help if, as a bit of foreplay, you show him what you need on yourself with your fingers, then demonstrating the necessary tongue action on a sensitive bit of his anatomy, especially the neck or nipples. If you’re the (lucky, rare) sort who tends to orgasm vaginally or needs vaginal stimulation as well as clitoral, encourage him to get his fingers involved (gently). While he’s practicing, make sure to offer vocal encouragement: he’s doing great, you’re getting so hot, just a little harder here baby, etc. He’s probably not going to get you off at first, but don’t let that discourage him (or you) – tell him how close you’re getting and how next time, with just a little more work, he can totally get you there. The more he feels like he’s performing like a sex god, the more he’s going to want to continue and get you off.

If it takes a while for you to get going even with oral, then it might help to pre-game things (as it were) with a vibrator. Your current one isn’t doing the trick, so you should consider trying a different one. Sex shops like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland have toys that are specifically supposed to be discrete – helping to eliminate that annoying buzzing sound that may be throwing you off. They also have reviews and suggestions that can help you find your match.

Speaking of which:

Most women can’t have an orgasm through penetration alone; they need clitoral stimulation as well and that’s very difficult to do through penetrative sex. If your husband wants to get you off (and I would certainly hope he does…), then it’s going to take going the extra mile or two. If you aren’t already, I would recommend touching yourself during sex to help things along. Now admittedly, some guys can get a little weird about this; after all, porn has taught them all the wrong lessons including that women can have “Look Ma, No Hands” orgasms at the drop of a hat, so the implication that a woman is going to need some extra assistance can feel like a condemnation of their virility and sexual prowess.

This is one reason why sex toys can be of use – teaching him how to use one on you can be incredibly sexy and helps take the intimidation/ego-deflation out of the equation. Make it about how he’s getting you off, not the toy; the toy is nothing without him. There are also a number of couple’s vibrators, including rings that are meant to be worn on the base of the penis that help stimulate the clit during penetration.

Emphasize how important it is that you both enjoy sex as much as possible – and how you want him to please you. And if he starts to get butthurt about it, even with your being encouraging and open… well, then it’s time to drop the hammer. No oral for you means no oral for him. Period.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need an honest opinion from you on something that I feel shame and guilt, after I give some more details: am I fetishizing women?

I seem to be only attracted to very curvy women with wide hips, thick legs, “pawgs,” “bbws,” etc. I’ve dated a variety of body types throughout my twenties (30 now), and only really feel a strong sexual connection and satisfaction with women who fit those body characteristics. I also notice a pattern in that it’s mostly white women and some latina and Brazilian women, but I don’t feel sexual attraction to asian or black women. So, am I also racist? I really hope not, because I find all different types of women “beautiful” and “gorgeous,” and appreciate diversity, but I just don’t feel sexual desire for most. If it turns out I do have internalized prejudice, how do I go about reversing that outside of therapy? (Can’t afford it at the moment, and not sure how to bring the subject up with a professional)

Anyways, I’m quite cognizant about who I want to date, and I really want to get to know a person before I engage sexually with them, so I don’t have any interest in cruising, hooking up, or “trying to get laid.” I think I’m looking at the bigger picture when it comes to dating and sex, but can’t help shake off the feeling that even if I care about a wider variety of traits other than the physical, I’m still “objectifying” women because of their bodies. I honestly wish I could be attracted to thin and average sized women, because that would open up my possibilities, but it just doesn’t happen.

Not really sure how to end my message but I appreciate your writings and will be grateful if you find the time to offer your insights. Thanks!

Female Body Introspector

DEAR FEMALE BODY INTROSPECTOR: This is an interesting question that’s going to touch on a lot of issues that’s hard to distill into a single advice column, FBI. I’m gonna try to simplify things as best as I can, but keep in mind: this is a topic that involves a LOT of history, context and nuance.

There’s a lot of discussion around what it means to have a preference or a type, and when (and how) that crosses the line into objectification or fetishization, FBI. And while it can feel like folks who’re just Too Woke To Function sticking their noses into people’s love-lives and policing who people are attracted to… it really is a topic that’s worth examining. Especially when it comes to your own interests and types.

Part of the issue at hand is the fact that “beauty” is a cultural creation. None of us exist in a vacuum; we all are the sum of the culture we grow up in — often with influences we’ve been exposed to for so long that we’re not consciously aware of them. While there are some traits that are relatively commonly spread amongst cultures — mostly facial and body symmetry — what we find attractive or unattractive is shaped by cultural norms, expectations and messaging. We are bombarded on a daily basis with images that define what “beauty” or “attractive” is to us; it’s something that’s quite literally marketed to us by advertisers and pop culture. Think of the narratives of so many movies, TV shows and even advertisements about someone who’s “not attractive” having some sort of glow-up; what are the differences between the “before” and “after” stages? For that matter, think of who gets marketed to us as “hot”, such as on shows that are explicit about their purpose like, say, Too Hot To Handle. There are certain traits that we are told, over and over again, are what make someone “hot”.

And one of the things that informs this is, in fact, racism and white supremacy. It’s significant just how many body types and facial features that we’re told are attractive are centered around Northern European phenotypes — the size and shape of noses and lips, the size of eyes, prominence of cheekbones, height, waist-to-hip ratio, and so on. Generations of Black men and women have been told that darker skin, wider noses and natural hair are less desirable, including dress codes that forbid Black women from wearing their hair in dreads, bantu knots or natural hair. Similarly, consider the ways that Southeast Asian men are portrayed as being less-masculine or entirely sexless — something that has much of its origins in the racism and prejudice against Chinese immigrants in the 19th century. Similarly, there were the ways that women of various ethnicities have been portrayed for decades and even centuries — the “submissive” Asian woman, the “fiery” Latina, and so on.

Body types are part and parcel of this, with certain figures being more associated with different ethnicities. Think of the phrase you use in your letter, “PAWG”. This stands for “phat ass white girl”. While this is focusing on someone’s physique — someone with a larger butt — the body type it refers to is inherently associated with non-white women, particularly Black and Latina women… hence why “white” is part of the phrase. It marks her out as being different from other white women.

By that same token is the question of objectification and fetishization. This is a topic that a lot of folks don’t fully grasp, or misunderstand. Objectification doesn’t mean “appreciating someone’s good looks” or thinking that somebody is physically attractive. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody’s body. Objectification is when you erase their personhood and focus entirely on their body; their body — and your interest in it — becomes the sole defining quality. Often it means reducing someone to a particular shape or body-part; breasts, buttocks, penis size and the like… doubly so when those are also associated with their race or ethnicity. When you look at porn featuring Black men, especially Black men in interracial scenes, the emphasis is on the fact that they’re Black and that the sex they’re having is somehow transgressive because of it. In a very real way, it dehumanizes them because it makes the entire point of the video about their skin color or the size of their penises, not about them as individuals.

Same with fetishization; handicapped and disabled people often deal with folks — called “devotees” who are attracted to them because of their disability, less so the person. This can become incredibly problematic because of how often the fetishization is about the power imbalance between the two — especially when the handicap limits their mobility or ability to function the way abled people do.

But having said all of this, these aren’t the only things that will cause us to have preferences or leanings towards particular body types, different hair colors, ethnicities and so on. Novelty and unfamiliarity can trigger interest because they’re new and different to us. Familiarity and exposure will likewise affect who we tend to date or be attracted to — the mere-exposure effect causes us to have preferences for things because they’re so familiar to us. The more common something is in your experience, the more likely you are to be comfortable with it and to prefer it… including body types and people. And of course there are shared backgrounds, shared culture, shared values and experiences — the more similarities somebody has, the more you tend to like them and be drawn to them.

And of course, people pick up preferences and interests all the time because we’ll conflate certain people or types with moments in our lives, especially with dawning awareness of sexuality. And then there are times people pick up fetishes or paraphilias and have no goddamn idea why — the development of paraphilias is still something that sexologists don’t fully understand.

Now the reason I bring all of this up isn’t to tell you that you’re wrong for your preferences or that you are somehow obligated to have as wide and diverse a dating history and sexual attraction as possible. I bring it up because it’s worth examining those interests preferences and just what it is about them that gets your motor running. Is it because your first crush was a curvy or heavy-set woman? Is there a particular emotional or sexual association you have for that,  that you don’t feel with thinner women? When it comes to the women you’re attracted to, what makes the difference for you? Is it something you associate with them culturally or socially, as opposed to the women individually? Is it just particular features that they have that others don’t? Or are there expectations you have about them based on their race or culture?

The point of this exercise isn’t to say “yes you’re racist/ no you’re not”; it’s so that you’re just a bit more mindful about who you’re into and why. Sometimes who we date is less about who we’re attracted to and who we allow ourselves to express attraction for. One of the issues that fat or BBW women face, as an example, are men who will pursue them because they think fat women have fewer options and will be “grateful” or put up with s--tty treatment because of it.  There’re also men who are attracted to fat women and will happily f--k them… but won’t date them openly, because of the cultural narrative that it’s shameful for men to f--k or date fat women. The same often applies to women of color as well — men who fetishize them for their bodies or ethnicities or perceived culture or personality type, but won’t date them or have meaningful relationships with them.

But again: having a preference for a particular body type isn’t the same as objectifying someone who has that body type. It’s just when the only thing they ARE is that body and the relationship it has with your sexual gratification that it becomes objectification.

The more you can unpack and understand who you’re into and why, the easier it is to recognize when it’s just “yup, I find sex with women with thicker thighs and wider hips more satisfying” versus something informed by race or cultural value. Similarly, it may be worth seeing if you can focus more on the individual than their race, especially if you realize that your interest or lack-thereof has a racial component. Sometimes it comes to giving yourself permission to try to get to know someone and give them a chance when you might have brushed them off without thinking. You may even surprise yourself by realizing that your interests are wider and more varied than you thought if given a chance.

Or you may just find out that this is just who you are and what you’re into. And that’s fine too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com