DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am writing to you about my husband, who is dealing with some serious mental health challenges. I don’t really feel like I have anyone else to talk to about this, because everyone I know is going through equally stressful problems.

Some background, my husband and I have been married for 3 years. When I first met him, he was starting to get seriously ill, and his worsening health was a constant backdrop during our initial friendship and then our dating relationship. After months of terrifying and agonizing symptoms, he almost died and was hospitalized. While in the hospital, he was diagnosed with a lifelong debilitating disease. He started treatment, his health stabilized, and we later married.

During our first year of marriage, we lived with his mom. I was in school, and his disease is disabling enough that he cannot work, so this living situation was our only option. Unfortunately, he grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home, and I experienced some of this during that year. It is what pressured me to get a higher paying job and insist that we move out. I also insisted that my husband start therapy, because he was showing symptoms of mental illness, even then.

While moving out of the dysfunctional home was great for me, it has been very hard for my husband. It has been a shock for him to live in a place where there isn’t daily yelling, fighting, child abuse, drug abuse, and hoarding…  All that was normal in his daily existence. He was the person in the family who was expected to “fix” the results of everyone else’s dysfunction, and he surrendered all his aspirations and dreams to do so.

Now that he doesn’t have to be the fixer anymore, he feels worthless. He hates himself and tries to punish himself by refusing medicine and food. He says he knows this is illogical, but he feels like resources should not be “wasted” on a worthless person like him. His therapist says he has depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Sometimes, he is even afraid to leave our bedroom and be seen by our roommates (who love him and would never hurt him), because he spent most of his childhood locked in his room, and would be beaten if he came out. His self esteem problems are worsened because, on top of all this, his physical illness is a disability that keeps him from working. He calls himself a “bum” because I bring in the money, and he calls himself “lazy”, “weak”, and “worthless” when he can’t help around the house on days his illness flares up.

My husband is a smart, funny, enjoyable, and worthwhile person, but he cannot see it. He is an incredible spouse who treats me wonderfully, but whenever I tell him so he doesn’t believe me. I thought he would be happier, once we moved away from the dysfunction, but he has only gotten more unhappy. Without the constant distraction of his family’s drama, he is having to unpack years and years of suppressed trauma and abuse… and it’s causing him to fall apart.

He is still going to therapy, but it is clear this will be a years-long battle for him.

In the meantime, I’m struggling a lot. I am afraid and I don’t feel like I have many outlets for those fears. It is awful to watch my husband have panic attacks and say horrible things about himself. I hate not being able to have a quick solution to make him feel better. I suppose this letter is more of a vent session then a question but, if you have any advise, I would appreciate it.

Feeling Helpless and Worried

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS AND WORRIED: My heart sincerely aches for you FHW; you and your husband are in an incredibly rough place and one that sounds incredibly painful for the both of you. It’s made all the worse because — in a real way — you and your husband have similar worries: you’re both feeling lost and helpless because you’re facing situations where you feel like you both have little to no control.

That’s a really hard thing for people to deal with in general. When we feel like we have no agency and no influence, it’s very easy to fall into despair. When that happens, we often turn inward. Your husband, for example, feels worthless because he can’t “fix” things. That family dynamic was toxic as hell, but it gave him a perverse sense of purpose. He felt like he could do something — be the “fixer” — even though on some level he knew this was hopeless. What’s worse is that there’s likely a part of him that associates “being the fixer” with “here’s how I justify being deserving of love”. I suspect that part of why he’s having this crisis is because he’s coming to the realization of just how f--ked up that whole situation was. When feeling like his “job” was tied to being the fixer, then he could at least rationalize any mistreatment as not being good at his job. It’s an incredibly irrational and harmful belief but it makes a twisted sort of sense because it means that his parents love and care for him and this is his fault. As long as the reason for their mistreatment of him was tied to his “failure”, then it was still possible to say his parents loved him. Realizing that no, what his parents did to him was horrific and abusive can be incredibly hard to accept. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children. Harming them like this is an incredible betrayal and facing that realization is the sort of pain that can shake people to their very core.

If that’s the case — and to be sure, this is just my read on things based on what you’ve written here — then it’s not surprising that he’s feeling worthless and that he’s punishing himself. Not only does it keep up the idea that he “failed” his parents, but it gives the illusion of control. He can’t make his parents’ abuse go away, nor can he make them love him. That’s out of his sphere of influence. He can, however, affect himself. It’s perverse, it’s masochistic and it’s harming him and you… but it may well be something that brings a strange sort of comfort.

I’m very glad to hear that he’s still going to therapy; this is something that’s going to require a lot of love, support and the dedication of the work of trained mental health professionals. And it’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of strength to heal. It sounds like his depression is particularly stubborn and resistant to treatment. If that’s the case, there are potential therapy options that he could discuss  with his therapist and see what they think, whether they would be a good match for him or whether they’re even available as an option. These can include more experimental therapies like MDMA or psilocybin, transcranial magnetic stimulation or ketamine infusion; if he qualifies for these studies, they may provide relief that would make it easier for him to deal with his trauma and PTSD. And to be 100% clear: these are therapies that are still under study, performed under specific guidelines and standards, and they have varying levels of success. Initial studies are promising, but they aren’t a miracle cure and they’re sure as s--t not something that you can do yourselves. But looking into them and talking them over with his therapist (who, unlike Dr. NerdLove, IS a trained medical professional) may provide options that could make a difference for his recovery.

Here’s the thing you need to understand: as hard as this is, you can’t fix him. I know that you know this on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, when we see our loved ones in pain, we want to do something. We want to believe that we can make things better, no matter what, because they’re hurting and damn it we love them and we should be able to fix this. And the fact that we can’t, being forced to admit that we’re not gods, is very, very hard because it feels like the worst practical joke in the world. What the f--k good is it when we love someone that much and we can’t take that love and make them better if only through sheer willpower alone?

But the fact that you can’t fix him doesn’t mean that you are powerless to do anything. In fact, I don’t know if you give yourself enough credit for the fact that you have gotten him to this point in the first place. The fact that you pulled him out of the nightmare that was his f--ked up family situation is huge. I know it feels (illogically) like you’ve made things worse because of the way he’s been spiraling, but the truth is that I think you saved his life. I think that if you hadn’t busted ass and gotten yourselves out of there, you wouldn’t have a husband. Yes, he’s dealing with a lot of pain right now, but the reason why he’s in the position to do so is that you pulled him out of hell. He’s only in the position to face this damage and begin the healing process because you got rid of the thing that was harming him. So I think you need to take a moment to realize that you are, without exaggeration, a goddamn superhero.

Just as importantly though… you also need to pay attention to your own mental and emotional health too. He’s not the only person dealing with trauma right now, you are as well. I realize that it can sound absurd or even self-indulgent to say “I’m hurt by this situation too”, but it’s the truth. Secondary trauma is a very real thing. Caretakers get post-traumatic stress disorder too. It’s all too easy to dismiss your own pain as lesser, that calling what you’re experiencing trauma somehow diminishes what your husband has gone through, but the fact is that you’ve been harmed by this as well. It’s just as important that you take care of yourself as it is to take care of your husband. It doesn’t do him any good if you break yourself to pieces trying to help him. Frankly, I don’t think there’s any way he wouldn’t want you to be hurt like this, so in a very real way, taking care of yourself means that you’re taking care of him, too.

You need a support system of your own. That means friends who can give you love and support when you need it and provide you with breaks so that life isn’t just about how hard you both are fighting to heal. It also means finding an outlet where you can express these feelings without worrying about judgement. If you aren’t already, I think that it’s very important to find a therapist of your own who can help you process these very real, very valid feelings of pain, stress and despair. They’re going to be a very important part of taking care of your own mental and emotional health, so that you can help your husband take care of his. As the saying goes: be sure to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs.

And while it certainly isn’t going to change his feelings of worth or undo the f--ked up dynamic his parents had forced him into, one thing that might help your husband is to make it clear that right now the way he can be of use is to get better. It’s time for him to focus on fixing himself. If he needs to believe he’s fixing someone then by taking care of himself and focusing on healing, he’s helping you too. The better care he takes of himself, the more it helps the both of you. That’s the best way he can be of use right now, the best way he can give back for all that you’ve done. His love for you can be the motivation to learn to love himself enough to heal.

Of course, that goes both ways:

This s--t is hard. It’s grueling and it’s left you both with scars. You’ve dragged yourselves out of the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. Take care of yourself so that you can help your husband take care of himself.

You’re both incredibly strong to have survived this. You both clearly care about each other more than words can say. Be strong for each other and for yourselves.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an issue of, I guess, becoming less of a nerd. Let me explain: I (31f) have been married to my partner (35m) a few years now. When we started dating 7 years ago, we shared a lot of traits. Our best year together was when we lived abroad, worked in the same company so that our ”together-time” was during the lunch break, so then after work both of us played games for the rest of the day, separately or together.

Something changed after we bought an apartment though. Because it was ”my own nest”, I wanted to become more organized. I started pursuing more hobbies and dreamed of travel. You can see where this is going. I feel we have grown apart and there is nothing to talk about anymore. I guess my question is… how do I know when to break up? Or am I just being selfish?

There are a few things that make it difficult. On the one hand, he is the type to always be loyal and not let me go. I tried breaking up once and he just scoffed it off. Our day-to-day life together is good to ok. But I’ve started to feel better when I’m alone or with friends. He is also bad at communicating or being vulnerable; in important discussions he will become anxious and mix words up, and take multiple minutes to form words. He’s not very self-reflective either. I feel stuck. If I knew he’d get better at communicating it would be different. I’ve also thought of having a family in the future, but with him? I don’t know.

NerdLess 

DEAR NERDLESS: On occasion, I’ll hear from folks whose relationship early on was founded on loving a lot of the same things. Of course, over time, people grow, people change and their interests change… but when their tastes in pop culture or hobbies or games start to diverge, they begin worry that this says something bad about their relationship.

But while shared interests and commonalities are part of what bring us together, they’re not what keep us together. Or at least, not exclusively. In fact, relationships can often be strengthened by partners having different interests, different social circles, even separate vacations. Part of what sparks that passion and desire for togetherness in the beginning of a relationship is novelty and mystery… things that are difficult to keep in a long-term relationship, particularly when you both live together. Having separate lives, where you both are able to do your own thing on occasion, can have a huge benefit to your relationship. Not only does it keep the spark alive by helping maintain that feeling of “can’t see enough of you, there’s always something new to discover,” it also means that you have less pressure to love all the same things… or to worry about what it means if and when you start to have interests your partner doesn’t share and vice versa.

However, I don’t think becoming less of a nerd is your issue here, NL. The problem seems to be about communication and feeling connected to one another. If you’re always together, then it’s very easy to start feeling smothered or to want time to yourself. Having space of your own can be vitally important in a relationship, especially during the COVID pandemic. Being able to feel like you have a life that isn’t defined by what your husband wants or enjoys is important, just as it is for him. There’s no reason, for example, that you couldn’t travel with friends, even if your husband would rather stay and keep the home fires burning.

Similarly, there’s the lack of communication and vulnerability. I have to wonder if whether the issue is that he isn’t bad at communicating and more that his way of communicating is frustrating you. Sometimes there can be a disconnect when our partners don’t necessarily have the same communication style that we do. Some people get heated and vehement, even when they aren’t actually upset or angry. Others get flustered and tongue-tied when they’re dealing with strong emotions and react badly when they feel like their partner’s being overly aggressive. That doesn’t mean that either of them are bad communicators, just that their style of communication is in conflict.

You say that he starts to get anxious, mix up words and needs to take time to collect his thoughts. That leads to an obvious question: have you been giving him that time? If you’re having important discussions, especially about things that are vital to you or to him, then it can be important to factor his communication style into the discussion. If someone, for example, tears up when they feel strong emotions, that doesn’t mean that their partner can’t get upset at them or have those tough conversations. It just means that both parties have to take that into consideration as part of the discussion.

All of this is part of why when I tell people to have an Awkward Conversation, that they should carve out time specifically for it and to take turns while the other listens without interrupting. Amongst other things, this gives everybody the opportunity to focus their thoughts without feeling like they need to reply right away. Knowing you won’t be interrupted takes a little of the anxiety out of trying to express yourself and makes it easier to be clear and ensure that you’re understood. And, of course, easing that anxiety means that people who get flustered are better able to keep their cool and not rush into a response.

There are a couple things that strike me as a little odd; you say that he scoffed off your breaking up with him. What exactly does that mean? Did he just not accept the break up and you went along with it? Or was it that because he didn’t immediately end things, you had time to think about things and realized that maybe you didn’t want to break up? The way you phrase it as a complication is confusing; it’s a little hard to tell whether you mean that this is a good thing, or you’re worried that he’ll be able to somehow veto your decision to divorce him.

Now it does need to be said that it sounds like you’ve already decided that you’re ready to end things and you’re just looking for the reason to pull the trigger. If that’s the case… well, again, there’s not really anything else to be said. All 50 states and the District of Columbia have no-fault divorce laws, which means that you don’t really need a casus belli; you just need to decide that you’re ready to not be married any more. And honestly, if you’re just asking for permission to do what you already want to do, then hey, permission granted. It doesn’t really sound like it’s warranted yet from what you say, but I’m also not the marriage police. If you want out, then the kindest thing to do would be to end things, as quickly and cleanly as possible. It’s better for the both of you; you don’t feel trapped in a marriage you want out of and he’s no longer married to someone who doesn’t want to be with him any more. Ending it quickly means that he doesn’t have to wonder what happened as your dissatisfaction curdles to into contempt, which will end up hurting even more than a speedy end to the marriage.

But if you aren’t standing there with your hand hovering over the relationship eject button… consider talking to a couple’s counselor. Having a third party help mediate some of your issues can make it easier for you both to hear and understand each other, as well as bridge the communication gap the two of you seem to have. And if it does turn out that no, you really are ready to leave, a counselor can also help you negotiate the end of your relationship and make it as painless as possible.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a month, and he’s the first guy I really fell in love with. Everything seems to be fine except for one thing: I’m afraid to tell him I’m a virgin. We have already done some foreplay but we haven’t had the opportunity to be alone and go further yet, and even if I want to have sex with him, a part of me is happy to postpone the “speech” out of fear of his reaction.

I trust him, but the more I think about it the more I don’t know how to start. What if he leaves me? After all, we’re only at the beginning and we made no promises. What if he’s ashamed of me, if he thinks I’m not enough for him, and to his eyes I’m no longer attractive? Or maybe he doesn’t like the fact that, since I’m inexperienced, he will have to teach me how to please him? What if he tells his friends, or he thinks i don’t measure up to his exes? I even thought I could make up the story of how I lost my virginity years ago with a friend, but I’d feel terrible to lie to him; I could say nothing and just wait until he figures it out, but it would be too embarrassing, and I prefer to preempt the humiliation and tell him the truth myself.

Plus, even if I have no intention to wait, I still have a bit of anxiety about this new experience, especially when I think that it probably won’t all come natural to me and it’ll take time for me to learn, and I don’t see how he can enjoy waiting for me to get to his “level”. I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship just because I don’t have the courage to open up, and therefore miss this opportunity with a guy I like very much and who likes me back. I want to be able to finally loosen up and enjoy this experience that I have been waiting for so long just like other girls, and make him understand how much I want him.

I’ve tried to report all my insecurities and everything that’s been going on in my head these days. I am probably exaggerating it, so other points of view might be helpful. Maybe I just need reassurance and a little more confidence. Any advice or opinion you have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Queen Of Overthinking

DEAR QUEEN OF OVERTHINKING: I think you hit the nail on the head with your signature, QOO; you’re letting your anxieties take over and creating a cascading number of worst-case scenarios, each worse than the last.

This, to be perfectly honest, isn’t terribly surprising. Even in the year of our lord 2021, society is still really goddamn weird about virginity, especially for women. There’re an absurd number of conflicting (and inaccurate!) messages about sex, sexuality and virginity in general, and those get dialed up to 11 when the discourse turns to women. Kids are having too much sex — blowjobs in middle-school! porn on their phones teaching them that anal is ok! — but they’re also not having ENOUGH sex and there’s a sex recession going on! Guys should have as much sex as they can but also avoid masturbating because it’s bad for you and/or not masturbating gives you super powers! Women don’t like casual sex, except when they do. Third wave feminism has been empowering because it encourages women to take ownership of their sexuality, except "it’s bad because now women are expected to have a series of kinks or else they’re just ‘too vanilla’”…

And of course, as always, women are caught in the trap of be sexy but not sexual, be virginal but also experienced and the classic idea that while men are valued for the sex they have, women are valued for the sex they haven’t had. It is, needless to say, a goddamn mess.

So I’m not terribly surprised that you’re carrying all this anxiety and that it’s put such a whammy on your head. But I do have good news for you: I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

So, assuming that we’re defining “virginity” as “having not had penetrative sex” (which is a flimsy definition under the best of circumstances), let’s start with the glaringly obvious: there’s nothing wrong with your being a virgin at your age. While you may be a little older than the national average (around 17 years old, as of 2015), it’s not unusual at all. Being a virgin doesn’t say anything about you as a person, any more than having lost your virginity would say anything about you. Virginity is a social construct; all it means is that you have or haven’t had a particular experience yet, that’s all. It doesn’t say anything about your worth as a person. It doesn’t mean that you are more or less virtuous. nor, for that matter, does it mean that you can’t or won’t be able to please your boyfriend.

Here’s the thing: virgins can have mind-blowing, bed-rocking sex just as easily as folks who’ve had partners numbering into the quadruple digits can be goddamn awful lays. Good sex isn’t about numbers or whether you know how to do the swirly-go-round, the Transylvania Twist or the Rusty Venture, it’s about connecting and communicating with your partner.  And not to put too fine a point on it: while I can understand being worried about “your boyfriend having to teach you how to please him”, there’s also the issue of, y’know, you having to teach him how to please you. Just because somebody hasn’t had penis-in-vagina sex, that doesn’t mean that they don’t know about orgasms or what makes them feel good. Having a sexual relationship isn’t just going to be about getting him off, nor does his having experience mean that he’s going to know exactly how to hit all of your buttons.

Part of every relationship entails a learning period as you and your partner get to know each other and each other’s bodies — what makes you tick,  what makes you scream like a banshee and what makes your skin crawl. There really aren’t any universal sex techniques that work on everyone; what makes one person sing to the heavens can be a hard no to another.

The other thing you should keep in mind is that your virginity is just one aspect of who you are; how he reacts to your being a virgin, on the other hand, will tell you everything you need to know about him. If you tell him that you’re a virgin and he decides he’s ashamed of you, laughs at you, or decides he doesn’t want you any more and you break up… that’s a good thing. That isn’t a tragedy, that is a f--king bullet dodged. That sort of negative reaction is all you need to know, because he will have shown that he is not somebody you should want to have sex with, regardless of whether he’s your first partner or your fiftieth. That’s not the sign of a caring and giving lover who’s considerate of their partner’s comfort and pleasure, that’s someone who’s revealed themselves to be a Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag and you should kick him to the curb with the rest of the trash.

But I don’t think you need to worry about that.

While obviously there are no guarantees in life, I think you’ve already gotten clues about what to expect… and that’s that he seems to be a good guy. Y’all have been fooling around for a month or so and — even allowing for the lack of opportunity — you don’t mention that he’s been impatient or pushing for more. That’s a good sign; a partner who’s willing to go at the speed of the other person’s comfort is someone who’s going to care about their partner’s desires. It sounds like this desire/anxiety combo is coming from you, rather than his trying to move things faster than you’re comfortable with. That’s completely understandable, and it’s ok. But the easiest and most reliable way to resolve this anxiousness is to take a breath, clench your fists and just tell him.

Don’t frame it like something you’re ashamed of or like you’re rolling out some deep dark secret — because it’s not. What you’re doing is telling him exactly what you just told me: you really like him, you want to relax and be open with him and enjoy this experience you’ve been looking forward to.

If he’s as good of a guy as it sounds, then hey, you have absolutely nothing to worry about besides feeling a little nervous and awkward trying to spit it out, and that will fade so fast, you’ll wonder what you were worried about. On the other hand, if he reacts badly? Then while it sucks and will undoubtedly hurt, it’s a good thing for you. You’ll have kicked a dude who was absolutely wrong for you out of your dating pool, and you’ll be free to find someone who’s right for you and worth sleeping with.

But like I said: I don’t think you need to worry. I think this is just anxiety f--king with you.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how it all goes.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com