DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m the type of guy that never really prioritized relationships in high school or college. I was also focused on career, school, and my health. As a result, I never really had any relationship experience, or any experience with women, and, to be honest, I’m just a typical socially awkward nerd (and proud).

However, as I’ve started taking steps towards interacting with women, I realized that while I’m a socially awkward nerd, I’m a nerd who won the genetic lottery. I’ve netted from independent sources that I’m a really good-looking guy. I guess I just got lucky but while I’m really just trying to build friendships with women they tend to jump the boat from friendship to dreaming about a relationship or asking me out when we’ve only really shared a couple classes together and talked a few times over lunch. I usually reject them since I’m really not looking for that right now, but how do I do it without being a huge dick?

With one girl I flatly said “no” to a dinner date proposition, and I really wished I could’ve delivered that nicer because I could tell she was really hurt. I didn’t mean to make her feel that way I just wanted to be honest and not skirt around it like when girls do to guys. I know that’s because they’re socialized to be nice, but most men find it confusing so I just wanted to be blunt. With another girl I could tell she was beginning to catch feelings and I wanted to avoid another situation similar to the one above, and kind’ve just got confused with how to act and cut her off. The friendship fizzled out and it’s a shame I thought she was a cool person. How do I navigate people’s feelings for me without being a douche?

Thanks!

Strictly Platonic

DEAR STRICTLY PLATONIC: This is an interesting letter SP, because it offers an opportunity to reflect on women’s experiences with letting men know they’re not interested in something besides a platonic relationship. A lot of what you’re dealing with is, quite literally, what women deal with when it comes to navigating men’s feelings.

(Just in a way that’s not as risky for men as it is for women.)

There’re a few things to take into consideration when you’re letting someone know that you just want to be friends without being a dick about it. But the first thing to consider is: are you sure they’re looking for something more than friendship? You said yourself that you’re a socially awkward nerd without much experience with women or relationships. It’s not unthinkable that you — like many a socially inexperienced nerd before you — may be rounding friendliness up to attraction when their intentions were just as platonic as yours are. If you aren’t used to friendships with women, it’s entirely possible to mistake what they would see as perfectly ordinary friend activities as a request for a date.

I’m not asking this to be a dick or bag on nerd guys for not understanding women, but because it actually ties into the whole “friend zone someone without being a dick about it” dynamic. Women frequently have to gauge whether men in their lives are trying to be friends, or if their guy “friends” are trying to put them in “The Girlfriend Zone”‘. A lot of dudes like to surf the ambiguity wave of “maybe friendship, maybe a date” and create a quantum event where something is both a date and not a date at the same time and it’s not clear until the wave collapses. This way, if things don’t go the way they hoped, they have plausible deniability and can claim “wait, what do you mean, this was never a date!” when called on it.

Of course, as the saying goes: it was only a joke unless she was gonna do it.

While women are less likely to intentionally pull the same sort of “maybe date, maybe not” game, knowing whether they were actually interested in a proper date or not changes the equation of how to tell them you’re not interested. After all, if someone invites you out to dinner and you give them a flat “no, I don’t like you that way,” you may be shutting down an offer of friendship, not a date.

(The exception to this tends to be when women are dating other women; many gay and pansexual women have joked-but-not-really that half the early courtship is trying to figure out if something is a date or not)

But let’s assume that you’re socially well-calibrated and you are, in fact, reading the signs correctly. A classmate or casual friend is, in fact, making overtures of moving from friendship to something more. How do you turn them down without being cruel about it?

Well, ask yourself this: how would you prefer to find out that someone you like is only interested in friendship? Think carefully about this; a lot of guys will say that they prefer women be blunt with them… right up until they are. Often, the reason why guys will say that they prefer women be blunt and direct is so that there’s no ambiguity. But the truth is that most of the time it’s not ambiguous; it’s just that they got what’s known as a “soft” no. Soft no’s are gentle ways of turning somebody down without being harsh or rude. They often be phrased in a way that creates a socially plausible context that implies something other than “I don’t like you that way” but the meaning is the same: no, thank you.

The problem is that a lot of guys who don’t like the answer will choose to ignore it; they will focus on whatever conditional was in the “no” instead of the “no” itself. So while a woman may say “thank you, but I’m not interested in dating right now”, guys will often latch onto the “right now” rather than the “not interested”, because that lets them believe they still have a chance. The former implies that there is a time in the future where she will be interested in dating (and dating him, specifically), while the latter is the core of what she’s saying. And despite what guys will say, studies have shown that men do understand soft no’s when they hear them.

But when they get that blunt, direct “no” that they supposedly prefer, it hurts. It often hurts a lot, frequently more than the same no would if it had been couched in softer language. And, frankly, they usually get the blunt, direct “no” after ignoring the soft “no” and allowed themselves to invest more in that person… which makes it hurt that much more.

Which brings us back to the question: how would you prefer to be let down by someone you like? Would you prefer being turned down in a way that softens the blow and allows you to save some face and feel less embarrassed or humiliated by being rejected? Or would you prefer someone drop it on you like a cartoon anvil?

By that same token: are you genuinely interested in being friends with them afterwards? The dreaded “let’s just be friends” is often deployed in rejections in part because… well, it’s expected. It’s what you’re “supposed” to say, even though many times people don’t mean it. But if this is a person that you’d honestly rather not interact with again, an offer of friendship may be taken sincerely and cause hurt down the line when they realize that it was being said out of reflex, rather than genuine intent. In those cases, while it’s still better to soften the metaphorical blow, you don’t want to offer anything that you aren’t prepared to make good on.

Over all, I’m a fan of turning people down in a way that salves the ego, without giving false hope. Politeness costs nothing and makes it much easier to maintain a friendship afterwards. A good template for you would be “Wow, thank you! I’m really flattered, but that’s not what I’m looking for.” This way, you’re accomplishing several things: you’re telling them that you appreciate that they see you as a potential partner (it’s flattering that they like you this way!), that their interest isn’t an imposition or rude, and that you aren’t interested in them in return.

If it’s someone you’re friends with or want to be friends with, then you can often add “I really enjoy hanging out/working with/spending time with you and I love the vibe we have, but…” and make it clear that the door is still open for a platonic relationship… but sex or romance just aren’t in the cards.

However, how you behave afterwards is going to be more important than the words you use. After all, you just turned someone down; they’re likely going to feel stung or hurt, possibly even embarrassed. They may well feel awkward around you and wonder what this is going to do to your friendship going forward.

You don’t need to address things; most of the time, there’s nothing to say, and people will often want to just pretend that it never happened in the first place. Letting them shove it down the memory hole is, in many ways, a gift. You’re letting them patch the hole in their ego, rather than making it A Thing.

What you do want to be careful of, however, is the way you treat them or behave towards them. Cutting them off — like you did with another friend of yours — tells them that you don’t like them or that you were bothered by their interest. On the other hand, by continuing to treat them as a friend and acting like everything is perfectly normal, you are sending a clear signal: there is nothing to be embarrassed about and we’re fine. Yeah, things may be a little awkward at first, but you can power through it together and this little blip in your friendship will become something you both laugh about down the line.

So if you want to become friends or continue being friends… treat them like a friend. Let them know through your actions that everything’s cool, nobody needs to feel embarrassed and everything will be fine after a little time for the awkwardness to pass.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love her and the sex is ok, could be great except for her fear of germs. She keeps a bottle of hand sanitizer next to the bed. She stops in the middle of changing positions and goes for the sanitizer. After I finger her ass or clit or vagina, she stops everything to clean it up. After I give her head or analingus, she makes me use a strong mouthwash before I can kiss her.

It’s quite frustrating and I’ve tried to talk to her but she’s scared of infection.

This constant stopping and going really puts a damper on enjoying the moment and keeping up my erection. If we have anal sex, I don’t go back into the vagina… I will go wash but she insists on smothering the cold gel on me anyway. After we’re done, she runs to shower. She’s not a germ freak except in bed. I don’t know what to do.

Hand Sanitizer Isn’t Lube

DEAR HAND SANITIZER ISN’T LUBE: Quick question, HSIL: has your girlfriend ever had a urinary tract infection before? People with vaginas are especially prone to them, and they can be incredibly painful — like, “take me to the hospital right the hell now” levels of pain. One of the most common causes of UTIs is sexual intercourse — bacteria gets transferred from hands, mouths, penises and barriers and end up in the urinary tract, leading to an infection. I’ve personally taken several friends — men and women both — to the emergency room because of these and helped nurse them through the early stages of recovery. I’ve heard about just how unpleasant and painful the experience is from folks who were going through it in that moment. Trust me when I tell you: if she’s had a UTI before, it is entirely understandable that she might be mortally terrified of ever going through that again.

Whether your girlfriend has had a UTI or not, she’s right that keeping things clean is an important part of sexual health. The only real issue is that some of what she’s doing is taking things a little too far. Hand sanitizer isn’t really a substitute for old-fashioned soap and water, and it can bring on its own problems if it gets used excessively.

And to be honest, constantly using the hand sanitizer isn’t the best practice in terms of preventing UTIs — or of avoiding other bacterial infections for that matter. Washing your hands thoroughly with unscented soap before sex, while urinating afterwards and taking a post-sex shower work perfectly well for keeping things clean and avoiding infections. I don’t think you need to stop to clean things off just because you’ve switched positions… with one exception.

She is right to have you clean your hands and mouth after any sort of anal play; going from her anus to her mouth or her vagina without washing your hands thoroughly is a great way to transfer a number of nasty organisms, including e.coli. If you’re incorporating some form of anal play during sex or your fingers or mouth are coming in contact with her anus while rolling around, then yeah, you’re going to want to clean things up. I also can’t necessarily blame her for wanting you to rinse your mouth after rimming her. If she’s keeping things clean and douching before anal, then the odds that you’ve come in contact with any fecal matter is very low… but I can absolutely understand why she’d want to be sure.

The same goes for any form of anal penetration.I don’t think you need to slather sanitizer on your junk after anal, but you do want to give it a very thorough cleaning, especially if you intend to have sex again soon.

(Also: I’d think that the sanitizer would sting like a motherf--ker on your balls…)

So, while I think some of this is a little over the top — possibly for very understandable reasons — she does have the right idea. I think there are areas where you and she could find a certain amount of compromise, like not requiring hand washing between every change of positions or slathering sanitizer on your penis even after you’ve cleaned up, but for the most part, this isn’t entirely unreasonable. You can also help avoid transferring bacteria after anal rimming or oral sex by using a dental dam or other barrier methods that keep your mouth and tongue from coming in direct contact with her anus or vulva and clit.

I think it may help to talk about how you can streamline things so that there aren’t as many hard (as it were) interruptions. Similarly, demonstrating that you’re being diligent about cleaning before and after sex may help ease her worries.

I’d also suggest picking up a copy of The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jenn Gunter. This is an excellent no-nonsense resource about vaginal and vulval health that separates myth from science and demystifies a lot of mistaken ideas about what is or isn’t healthy for vaginas. Both of you reading this may go a long way towards helping your girlfriend not be as terrified of possible infections and help you find some best practices to help her avoid painful infections.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am writing to you about my husband, who is dealing with some serious mental health challenges. I don’t really feel like I have anyone else to talk to about this, because everyone I know is going through equally stressful problems.

Some background, my husband and I have been married for 3 years. When I first met him, he was starting to get seriously ill, and his worsening health was a constant backdrop during our initial friendship and then our dating relationship. After months of terrifying and agonizing symptoms, he almost died and was hospitalized. While in the hospital, he was diagnosed with a lifelong debilitating disease. He started treatment, his health stabilized, and we later married.

During our first year of marriage, we lived with his mom. I was in school, and his disease is disabling enough that he cannot work, so this living situation was our only option. Unfortunately, he grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home, and I experienced some of this during that year. It is what pressured me to get a higher paying job and insist that we move out. I also insisted that my husband start therapy, because he was showing symptoms of mental illness, even then.

While moving out of the dysfunctional home was great for me, it has been very hard for my husband. It has been a shock for him to live in a place where there isn’t daily yelling, fighting, child abuse, drug abuse, and hoarding…  All that was normal in his daily existence. He was the person in the family who was expected to “fix” the results of everyone else’s dysfunction, and he surrendered all his aspirations and dreams to do so.

Now that he doesn’t have to be the fixer anymore, he feels worthless. He hates himself and tries to punish himself by refusing medicine and food. He says he knows this is illogical, but he feels like resources should not be “wasted” on a worthless person like him. His therapist says he has depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Sometimes, he is even afraid to leave our bedroom and be seen by our roommates (who love him and would never hurt him), because he spent most of his childhood locked in his room, and would be beaten if he came out. His self esteem problems are worsened because, on top of all this, his physical illness is a disability that keeps him from working. He calls himself a “bum” because I bring in the money, and he calls himself “lazy”, “weak”, and “worthless” when he can’t help around the house on days his illness flares up.

My husband is a smart, funny, enjoyable, and worthwhile person, but he cannot see it. He is an incredible spouse who treats me wonderfully, but whenever I tell him so he doesn’t believe me. I thought he would be happier, once we moved away from the dysfunction, but he has only gotten more unhappy. Without the constant distraction of his family’s drama, he is having to unpack years and years of suppressed trauma and abuse… and it’s causing him to fall apart.

He is still going to therapy, but it is clear this will be a years-long battle for him.

In the meantime, I’m struggling a lot. I am afraid and I don’t feel like I have many outlets for those fears. It is awful to watch my husband have panic attacks and say horrible things about himself. I hate not being able to have a quick solution to make him feel better. I suppose this letter is more of a vent session then a question but, if you have any advise, I would appreciate it.

Feeling Helpless and Worried

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS AND WORRIED: My heart sincerely aches for you FHW; you and your husband are in an incredibly rough place and one that sounds incredibly painful for the both of you. It’s made all the worse because — in a real way — you and your husband have similar worries: you’re both feeling lost and helpless because you’re facing situations where you feel like you both have little to no control.

That’s a really hard thing for people to deal with in general. When we feel like we have no agency and no influence, it’s very easy to fall into despair. When that happens, we often turn inward. Your husband, for example, feels worthless because he can’t “fix” things. That family dynamic was toxic as hell, but it gave him a perverse sense of purpose. He felt like he could do something — be the “fixer” — even though on some level he knew this was hopeless. What’s worse is that there’s likely a part of him that associates “being the fixer” with “here’s how I justify being deserving of love”. I suspect that part of why he’s having this crisis is because he’s coming to the realization of just how f--ked up that whole situation was. When feeling like his “job” was tied to being the fixer, then he could at least rationalize any mistreatment as not being good at his job. It’s an incredibly irrational and harmful belief but it makes a twisted sort of sense because it means that his parents love and care for him and this is his fault. As long as the reason for their mistreatment of him was tied to his “failure”, then it was still possible to say his parents loved him. Realizing that no, what his parents did to him was horrific and abusive can be incredibly hard to accept. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children. Harming them like this is an incredible betrayal and facing that realization is the sort of pain that can shake people to their very core.

If that’s the case — and to be sure, this is just my read on things based on what you’ve written here — then it’s not surprising that he’s feeling worthless and that he’s punishing himself. Not only does it keep up the idea that he “failed” his parents, but it gives the illusion of control. He can’t make his parents’ abuse go away, nor can he make them love him. That’s out of his sphere of influence. He can, however, affect himself. It’s perverse, it’s masochistic and it’s harming him and you… but it may well be something that brings a strange sort of comfort.

I’m very glad to hear that he’s still going to therapy; this is something that’s going to require a lot of love, support and the dedication of the work of trained mental health professionals. And it’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of strength to heal. It sounds like his depression is particularly stubborn and resistant to treatment. If that’s the case, there are potential therapy options that he could discuss  with his therapist and see what they think, whether they would be a good match for him or whether they’re even available as an option. These can include more experimental therapies like MDMA or psilocybin, transcranial magnetic stimulation or ketamine infusion; if he qualifies for these studies, they may provide relief that would make it easier for him to deal with his trauma and PTSD. And to be 100% clear: these are therapies that are still under study, performed under specific guidelines and standards, and they have varying levels of success. Initial studies are promising, but they aren’t a miracle cure and they’re sure as s--t not something that you can do yourselves. But looking into them and talking them over with his therapist (who, unlike Dr. NerdLove, IS a trained medical professional) may provide options that could make a difference for his recovery.

Here’s the thing you need to understand: as hard as this is, you can’t fix him. I know that you know this on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, when we see our loved ones in pain, we want to do something. We want to believe that we can make things better, no matter what, because they’re hurting and damn it we love them and we should be able to fix this. And the fact that we can’t, being forced to admit that we’re not gods, is very, very hard because it feels like the worst practical joke in the world. What the f--k good is it when we love someone that much and we can’t take that love and make them better if only through sheer willpower alone?

But the fact that you can’t fix him doesn’t mean that you are powerless to do anything. In fact, I don’t know if you give yourself enough credit for the fact that you have gotten him to this point in the first place. The fact that you pulled him out of the nightmare that was his f--ked up family situation is huge. I know it feels (illogically) like you’ve made things worse because of the way he’s been spiraling, but the truth is that I think you saved his life. I think that if you hadn’t busted ass and gotten yourselves out of there, you wouldn’t have a husband. Yes, he’s dealing with a lot of pain right now, but the reason why he’s in the position to do so is that you pulled him out of hell. He’s only in the position to face this damage and begin the healing process because you got rid of the thing that was harming him. So I think you need to take a moment to realize that you are, without exaggeration, a goddamn superhero.

Just as importantly though… you also need to pay attention to your own mental and emotional health too. He’s not the only person dealing with trauma right now, you are as well. I realize that it can sound absurd or even self-indulgent to say “I’m hurt by this situation too”, but it’s the truth. Secondary trauma is a very real thing. Caretakers get post-traumatic stress disorder too. It’s all too easy to dismiss your own pain as lesser, that calling what you’re experiencing trauma somehow diminishes what your husband has gone through, but the fact is that you’ve been harmed by this as well. It’s just as important that you take care of yourself as it is to take care of your husband. It doesn’t do him any good if you break yourself to pieces trying to help him. Frankly, I don’t think there’s any way he wouldn’t want you to be hurt like this, so in a very real way, taking care of yourself means that you’re taking care of him, too.

You need a support system of your own. That means friends who can give you love and support when you need it and provide you with breaks so that life isn’t just about how hard you both are fighting to heal. It also means finding an outlet where you can express these feelings without worrying about judgement. If you aren’t already, I think that it’s very important to find a therapist of your own who can help you process these very real, very valid feelings of pain, stress and despair. They’re going to be a very important part of taking care of your own mental and emotional health, so that you can help your husband take care of his. As the saying goes: be sure to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs.

And while it certainly isn’t going to change his feelings of worth or undo the f--ked up dynamic his parents had forced him into, one thing that might help your husband is to make it clear that right now the way he can be of use is to get better. It’s time for him to focus on fixing himself. If he needs to believe he’s fixing someone then by taking care of himself and focusing on healing, he’s helping you too. The better care he takes of himself, the more it helps the both of you. That’s the best way he can be of use right now, the best way he can give back for all that you’ve done. His love for you can be the motivation to learn to love himself enough to heal.

Of course, that goes both ways:

This s--t is hard. It’s grueling and it’s left you both with scars. You’ve dragged yourselves out of the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. Take care of yourself so that you can help your husband take care of himself.

You’re both incredibly strong to have survived this. You both clearly care about each other more than words can say. Be strong for each other and for yourselves.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com