DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My partner is an adjunct instructor of Sociology at a local community college. He is a brilliant social scientist and a great teacher, but he is terrible at the bureaucratic side of things: he loses track of emails, has a crazy disorganized mess of files on his computer, and struggles to navigate online systems to double check his work and connect with his colleagues and supervisors. I don’t think this is a terribly unusual persuasion for a professor-type, but the early stages of his career coupled with the digital demands of the pandemic have really brought this issue to the forefront lately.

Last spring, there was a huge problem when he failed to keep track of emails about an online certification program that his school was requiring. It almost resulted in him losing his job. He has missed notifications for in-service dates (and subsequently failed to show up), missed emails from supervisors and submitted the wrong copy of forms. So far he hasn’t suffered any lasting consequences, but that’s mostly because of the patience of his supervising staff. Those same supervisors are becoming increasingly (unsurprisingly) frustrated, and I worry that this could easily derail his career.

This would all be a problem within itself, but it’s doubly stressful because of his struggles with mental health. My partner suffers from body dysmorphia (a delusional disorder that affects all-over self esteem, not just body image) and anxiety. While he takes medication and mostly manages these issues, when a “crisis” arises (usually as a result of him missing an email or important date) he flies into a downward spiral. Instead of being disappointed and frustrated like any of us would be, his self-esteem plummets off a cliff and he starts talking about what a failure he is as a human and how he should just give up and resign. Sometimes this nears suicidal-levels, or includes a generalized rage which he doesn’t direct at me, but which makes it impossible to talk to him and sometimes results in rash actions like sending unprofessional emails to supervisors or throwing his phone down and breaking it. 

I am also a disorganized person, but I’ve realized through trial and error that I can head off these kinds of crises by forcing myself into habits. I keep my work email open on my computer 24/7 to ensure I don’t miss emails, set alarms for important dates, and always place my belongings in the same spots so I don’t lose them, etc. I’ve tried to offer advice to help him avoid these issues in the future, but he mostly refuses. In the moment he thinks it’s totally hopeless and he should give up altogether, and later he seems to pretend the issues never happened. He claims he’s trying to be more on top of things, but I don’t see any evidence of that. As it is, I have to exist in a constant state of fear that his failure to keep track of his professional life will send our household into chaotic crisis mode at any minute.

How do we get to a place where he can cope with and prevent these mishaps? Is there help he can seek out for this kind of tendency to screw up the “mundane” tasks of his professional life? 

Sincerely, 

All Crisis-ed Out

DEAR ALL CRISIS-ED OUT: This is a tough one ACO, in part because it sounds like your partner is refusing to deal with the underlying issues. If some form of disruption causes him to fly either into a deep depression or unfocused rage and he refuses to talk about things afterwards… well, that makes it really goddamn difficult to solve anything. It gets especially bad if he refuses to either admit that there’s a problem or to actually deal with it in a meaningful manner.

So with the obvious caveat that Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, I am of a mind that this needs a two-prong approach: a practical one to deal with the disorganization, and a systematic one to deal with the underlying causes. If the disorganization and consequences thereof are a major trigger for these outbursts or breakdowns, then getting that under control may make it easier for him (and for you) to work on his anxiety and dysmorphia.

I’m like you, ACO; I’m incredibly disorganized under the best of circumstances. I’ve got ADHD, which means that — amongst other things — I have a bad case of “out of sight, out of mind”. This has required a host of compensating behaviors and systems, including calendar alerts on top of alerts and automating everything I possibly can. So I get where you’re coming from with this. However, I can also tell you that things can slip through the cracks, and it requires being on top of things in a way that can be really difficult without outside help on occasion. Thus far, your partner hasn’t been willing to set up a system like yours, or to accept your help in setting one up. I suspect that, even if he does accept your help or sets something up, he’ll still have things fall through, resulting in more crises for him and more stress for you. That’s why my suggestion is to take the American approach and outsource the organizing to somebody else.

One of the benefits of our increasingly connected world has been the rise of virtual assistants — people whose job it is to take the scutwork you can’t deal with or that you struggle with and take care of it for you, even without being physically present. Having someone who can, for example, help with filing paperwork, making sure bills get paid, organize your files and so on, can be a huge benefit both to your emotional and mental health and to your overall productivity. Having the metaphorical weight taken off your shoulders — along with the time and stress of dealing with all of these small but critical tasks — can free up your time and your mental bandwidth. And in the case of your partner, this can hopefully help keep his triggers at bay by helping everything run smoothly, which will give him the bandwidth and motivation to treat his condition more effectively.

The other benefit is that these services are often far more affordable than you’d realize. You can find a licensed and bonded assistant for anywhere around $15 – $30 per hour on services like Care; a few hours a week could make the difference between career-threatening lost emails and keeping everything running smoothly. That means less stress for the both of you, on top of the time saved trying to get everything accomplished and putting out the fires that crop up.

Now the second approach is going to be harder. It sounds like your partner is seeing a therapist and is getting treatment, which is great. However, the behavior you mention and his triggers make me wonder if there’s another condition that’s either co-morbid with his dysmorphia or may be masked by the conditions you already know about. Or it could be that the current course of treatment isn’t working as effectively on all aspects of his dysmorphia and anxiety. Regardless, he really needs to talk about with his doctor about how easily stress triggers a spiral and how much it’s been disrupting his life and work. There’re a lot of ways that he can learn how to manage his emotions and try not to let things rage out of control, but triggers are rarely rational and can hit a lot harder and faster than people can respond in the moment. Even if it’s just a case of running out of cope, the fact that the reactions are this extreme and this disruptive means that they run the risk of having profound consequences to his life and yours. It may be an awkward or even embarrassing thing to talk about, especially if his dysmorphia is f--king with his self-esteem, but it’s necessary.

In both cases, I suspect a lot is going to come down to how you present these options to your partner. Sometimes the difference between stubborn refusal and a willingness to listen all depends on how you pitch it.

The virtual assistant may actually be the easier lift, particularly if you frame it as “how about we find someone who can take these things off your plate and make it so that you don’t have to worry about it anymore?”  While I wouldn’t suggest hiring an assistant for your partner, it may be worth checking out some of the profiles in the link I provided in advance and interviewing some potential prospects. If you are able to present your partner with specific examples of what a VA could do for your husband, it may be easier than saying “hey, have you considered hiring somebody to take care of all of this?”

Alternately, you could hire someone to help with your organization and then be able to wax rhapsodic about how much they’ve done for you. At that point, you both win.

Getting your partner to talk to his doctor may be a little harder, especially if he’s resistant. That is a talk you may have to structure like an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out why this has been concerning you, what you think would help (talking to his doctor) and how this would make things better (less anxiety, less depression, less rage, less risk to his career).  Then he can share his side, including why he may have a hard time discussing these things or why he has a hard time bringing them up.

Now, I’m not gonna lie. It’s going to be a struggle. Men in particular tend to be resistant to dealing with issues that strike their anxiety or sense of competence and self-esteem. The shame of feeling like you can’t handle life like a grown-ass adult can be immense and paralyzing. But at the same time, having an actionable solution and one that you can lay out on a cost/benefit ratio may help him get over that particular hump and start the process of making his life (and yours) easier, happier and less stressful.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have known about your site for a while and have really appreciated your advice, with some of the advice I’ve transitioned from incredibly socially awkward to having a girlfriend.

Unfortunately now I have a different issue, whether or not I should break up. I’ll spare the granular details but on a high level, girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for about 6 months. In the past 6 months we’ve broken up and gotten back together about 3 times. I like to think it’s mutual love that keeps us coming back.

But the breakups get caused by arguments, where fights get toxic and escalate to a point where lines are crossed and one of us says we can’t take it anymore and we break up, only to get back together.

Every time it happens I feel a small sense of regret, as if it’s not the right thing to do. I have been doubting this relationship for 6 months and one of the main reasons is our fights get really toxic. She crossed a few lines like physical violence, insults. We have tried to address it several times but no meaningful changes have been made. I feel like I lie in wait for the next argument to see if something has changed.

I also sometimes get a longing for the single life but once we break up I feel devastated and can’t let her go. So now I’m stuck in this cycle.

How do I get out of this? Do I have to break up? Or do I need to change my mindset?

Thanks so much!

One Foot Out The Door

DEAR ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR: First things first: Breaking up and getting back together is usually an indication that something is wrong. What that something is can vary. Sometimes there’s a fundamental but fixable conflict, like incompatible communication styles. Other times, the problem could be that you’re trying to force a relationship to follow a model that’s just not a good fit. Couples who fight like cats and dogs when they live together may find that living separately means they aren’t flint and steel in a dynamite factory.

And then there are the times when the conflict is that this relationship is over and has been for quite some time. Getting back together multiple times is more about postponing the inevitable and not accepting the issue at hand.

It can be hard to break up with someone, OFOTD, even when you know it’s what needs to happen. There’re a lot of factors that can keep us in relationships that are long past their expiration date, and a lot of them can feel like regret… even though they aren’t.

The sunk cost fallacy is a big one — if you’ve spent X number of years together, then breaking up is just like tossing all that time and energy in the trash! Another common one is simply feeling like you don’t have the right “reason” to end it. A lot of folks have stayed in relationships they actually wanted to leave because they felt like they needed a casus belli that would justify a break-up to an outside audience.

And then, of course, there’s the classic fear of being single; this in and of itself, has kept people in relationships for far longer than they should have. And in fairness, it’s an understandable anxiety. The longer you haven’t been single, the harder it is to imagine going back to that. In a very real way, your relationship has become part of your identity. Being single again would mean having to relearn who you are without your partner and build a new life after years of having shaped yours around sharing it with somebody else. That is legitimately intimidating. Hell, if you’re in a relationship for long enough, it goes from intimidating to “balls-shrinkingly terrifying”. Worse, there’s that fear of “well, what if this was my last chance at love?” “How do I learn how to date again after not having to think about it for all this time?”

But it’s important that you don’t let the fact that it’s difficult to do overshadow the “but it needs to happen” part. And honestly, OFOTD, you are well past the part the threshold of “needs to happen”. This relationship has been over for a while now. It’s shuffling along like a zombie, causing misery and pain in its wake and somebody needs to put two in its dome and put it down for good.

I’m not gonna lie; there was a point where I was ready to tell you that this was ugly but fixable. A lot of times, couples have less of a problem with the relationship per se but in how they express themselves. Every couple has fights, but some folks fight the wrong way — they fight to wound and to hurt, rather than to fix things. They may not realize that this is what they’re doing; it’s often a dynamic that they either picked up from childhood or toxic past relationships. While this can damage the relationship, it’s damage that can still be healed, as long as everybody is willing to work at it.

But then we hit the needle-scratch part of your letter:

“I have been doubting this relationship for 6 months and one of the main reasons is our fights get really toxic. She crossed a few lines like physical violence, insults.”

Nope, nuh uh, stop. Violence is hard no; crossing it once is almost always a relationship extinction event. More than once is a “peace out so fast you leave a human-shaped cloud behind” situation. Once (non-consensual) violence and insults have become part of the relationship, it’s done, it’s over, it’s a ghost and it’s time to exorcise the damn thing. The fact that you now worry about what the next fight will bring is as glaring a sign as you could want, and that sign reads “EMERGENCY EXIT”.

This isn’t a “change your mindset” situation, unless the mindset you’re changing to is “this s--t is unacceptable and it is time to pack my things and GTFO”. Or, alternately, packing her s--t, dropping it out on the step and changing the locks, depending on whose name is on the lease.

Here’s the thing, man: whether there’s love there or not is entirely besides the point. The fact that she’s gotten physically and emotionally violent is. That’s not something you tolerate or put up with, that’s the sign that you need to LEAVE. Even if — and that is a mighty f--king big if — her becoming violent is something that she can change with therapy and work, that’s work that she can do elsewhere. As in: anywhere that’s not near you.

Even if there’s a lot of mutual love, her behavior and your safety trump that. And seeing as her behavior hasn’t changed despite having addressed the issue several times, that’s as sure a sign as any that it’s time to get the f--k out.

Dump her with the quickness, OFOTD. This relationship is well past being over. Whatever regret you feel about ending it or any despair at dumping her will pass. Because the rest of the s--t you’re going through isn’t going to change. You’ve already seen that.

It’s time to put this zombie relationship down. You’ll be much, much happier in the long run.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m the type of guy that never really prioritized relationships in high school or college. I was also focused on career, school, and my health. As a result, I never really had any relationship experience, or any experience with women, and, to be honest, I’m just a typical socially awkward nerd (and proud).

However, as I’ve started taking steps towards interacting with women, I realized that while I’m a socially awkward nerd, I’m a nerd who won the genetic lottery. I’ve netted from independent sources that I’m a really good-looking guy. I guess I just got lucky but while I’m really just trying to build friendships with women they tend to jump the boat from friendship to dreaming about a relationship or asking me out when we’ve only really shared a couple classes together and talked a few times over lunch. I usually reject them since I’m really not looking for that right now, but how do I do it without being a huge dick?

With one girl I flatly said “no” to a dinner date proposition, and I really wished I could’ve delivered that nicer because I could tell she was really hurt. I didn’t mean to make her feel that way I just wanted to be honest and not skirt around it like when girls do to guys. I know that’s because they’re socialized to be nice, but most men find it confusing so I just wanted to be blunt. With another girl I could tell she was beginning to catch feelings and I wanted to avoid another situation similar to the one above, and kind’ve just got confused with how to act and cut her off. The friendship fizzled out and it’s a shame I thought she was a cool person. How do I navigate people’s feelings for me without being a douche?

Thanks!

Strictly Platonic

DEAR STRICTLY PLATONIC: This is an interesting letter SP, because it offers an opportunity to reflect on women’s experiences with letting men know they’re not interested in something besides a platonic relationship. A lot of what you’re dealing with is, quite literally, what women deal with when it comes to navigating men’s feelings.

(Just in a way that’s not as risky for men as it is for women.)

There’re a few things to take into consideration when you’re letting someone know that you just want to be friends without being a dick about it. But the first thing to consider is: are you sure they’re looking for something more than friendship? You said yourself that you’re a socially awkward nerd without much experience with women or relationships. It’s not unthinkable that you — like many a socially inexperienced nerd before you — may be rounding friendliness up to attraction when their intentions were just as platonic as yours are. If you aren’t used to friendships with women, it’s entirely possible to mistake what they would see as perfectly ordinary friend activities as a request for a date.

I’m not asking this to be a dick or bag on nerd guys for not understanding women, but because it actually ties into the whole “friend zone someone without being a dick about it” dynamic. Women frequently have to gauge whether men in their lives are trying to be friends, or if their guy “friends” are trying to put them in “The Girlfriend Zone”‘. A lot of dudes like to surf the ambiguity wave of “maybe friendship, maybe a date” and create a quantum event where something is both a date and not a date at the same time and it’s not clear until the wave collapses. This way, if things don’t go the way they hoped, they have plausible deniability and can claim “wait, what do you mean, this was never a date!” when called on it.

Of course, as the saying goes: it was only a joke unless she was gonna do it.

While women are less likely to intentionally pull the same sort of “maybe date, maybe not” game, knowing whether they were actually interested in a proper date or not changes the equation of how to tell them you’re not interested. After all, if someone invites you out to dinner and you give them a flat “no, I don’t like you that way,” you may be shutting down an offer of friendship, not a date.

(The exception to this tends to be when women are dating other women; many gay and pansexual women have joked-but-not-really that half the early courtship is trying to figure out if something is a date or not)

But let’s assume that you’re socially well-calibrated and you are, in fact, reading the signs correctly. A classmate or casual friend is, in fact, making overtures of moving from friendship to something more. How do you turn them down without being cruel about it?

Well, ask yourself this: how would you prefer to find out that someone you like is only interested in friendship? Think carefully about this; a lot of guys will say that they prefer women be blunt with them… right up until they are. Often, the reason why guys will say that they prefer women be blunt and direct is so that there’s no ambiguity. But the truth is that most of the time it’s not ambiguous; it’s just that they got what’s known as a “soft” no. Soft no’s are gentle ways of turning somebody down without being harsh or rude. They often be phrased in a way that creates a socially plausible context that implies something other than “I don’t like you that way” but the meaning is the same: no, thank you.

The problem is that a lot of guys who don’t like the answer will choose to ignore it; they will focus on whatever conditional was in the “no” instead of the “no” itself. So while a woman may say “thank you, but I’m not interested in dating right now”, guys will often latch onto the “right now” rather than the “not interested”, because that lets them believe they still have a chance. The former implies that there is a time in the future where she will be interested in dating (and dating him, specifically), while the latter is the core of what she’s saying. And despite what guys will say, studies have shown that men do understand soft no’s when they hear them.

But when they get that blunt, direct “no” that they supposedly prefer, it hurts. It often hurts a lot, frequently more than the same no would if it had been couched in softer language. And, frankly, they usually get the blunt, direct “no” after ignoring the soft “no” and allowed themselves to invest more in that person… which makes it hurt that much more.

Which brings us back to the question: how would you prefer to be let down by someone you like? Would you prefer being turned down in a way that softens the blow and allows you to save some face and feel less embarrassed or humiliated by being rejected? Or would you prefer someone drop it on you like a cartoon anvil?

By that same token: are you genuinely interested in being friends with them afterwards? The dreaded “let’s just be friends” is often deployed in rejections in part because… well, it’s expected. It’s what you’re “supposed” to say, even though many times people don’t mean it. But if this is a person that you’d honestly rather not interact with again, an offer of friendship may be taken sincerely and cause hurt down the line when they realize that it was being said out of reflex, rather than genuine intent. In those cases, while it’s still better to soften the metaphorical blow, you don’t want to offer anything that you aren’t prepared to make good on.

Over all, I’m a fan of turning people down in a way that salves the ego, without giving false hope. Politeness costs nothing and makes it much easier to maintain a friendship afterwards. A good template for you would be “Wow, thank you! I’m really flattered, but that’s not what I’m looking for.” This way, you’re accomplishing several things: you’re telling them that you appreciate that they see you as a potential partner (it’s flattering that they like you this way!), that their interest isn’t an imposition or rude, and that you aren’t interested in them in return.

If it’s someone you’re friends with or want to be friends with, then you can often add “I really enjoy hanging out/working with/spending time with you and I love the vibe we have, but…” and make it clear that the door is still open for a platonic relationship… but sex or romance just aren’t in the cards.

However, how you behave afterwards is going to be more important than the words you use. After all, you just turned someone down; they’re likely going to feel stung or hurt, possibly even embarrassed. They may well feel awkward around you and wonder what this is going to do to your friendship going forward.

You don’t need to address things; most of the time, there’s nothing to say, and people will often want to just pretend that it never happened in the first place. Letting them shove it down the memory hole is, in many ways, a gift. You’re letting them patch the hole in their ego, rather than making it A Thing.

What you do want to be careful of, however, is the way you treat them or behave towards them. Cutting them off — like you did with another friend of yours — tells them that you don’t like them or that you were bothered by their interest. On the other hand, by continuing to treat them as a friend and acting like everything is perfectly normal, you are sending a clear signal: there is nothing to be embarrassed about and we’re fine. Yeah, things may be a little awkward at first, but you can power through it together and this little blip in your friendship will become something you both laugh about down the line.

So if you want to become friends or continue being friends… treat them like a friend. Let them know through your actions that everything’s cool, nobody needs to feel embarrassed and everything will be fine after a little time for the awkwardness to pass.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com