DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently my brother and I got into an argument. I was talking about the new Zack Snyder’s Netflix film Army of the Dead and my brother mentioned he did not like said director. When I asked why he brought up that the YouTube channel Geeks and Gamers had done a stream where Zack had denounced them as “nazis” — those were my brothers words.

I stated as long as they had nothing to do with GamerGate then fair enough, whereupon my brother stated all the fallacies involved with it, basically blaming the women who got threatened and doxxed. I was trying to just avoid an argument when he then mentioned he did not like the term “incel” as that was what some of the people in GamerGate were being called.

The thing is that my brother is basically one.

To go back a ways, he has always not had any friends, even when he was young. In fact, after leaving school, I can’t think of a time he spent time with other people, and he’s had barely any female company. We live in the UK, and since he doesn’t work, he’s drawing benefits. He spends all day on his laptop watching YouTube videos. Has always been socially awkward, given that he is on the autism spectrum and he can’t regulate his emotions. 

He was what I’d call a social hand grenade; I’ve had him come out with me and my friends a few times, and it ended up him throwing a tantrum over something, making me look bad then having to get him out of the situation.

It doesn’t end there as any conversation I have with him — usually films or tv programs — ends up with him saying he doesn’t like the people involved with said films or tv shows due to their ” liberal lefty” politics. Now I just try not to talk to him anymore, which is a problem as, due to the pandemic, he lives with me .

I know it sounds awful, but he is my brother and I love him… though I am getting to the end of my tether with him. How do I talk to him or change his mind? I’d just like to look on life more positively.

Thanks

A Brother at the End of His Tether

DEAR A BROTHER AT THE END OF HIS TETHER: You’re a really good brother, ABEHT, and I can imagine how frustrating this must be.

So, there’re two issues at play here. The first is that your brother is basically self-radicalizing. This has been an ongoing issue for a while, but this has started coming to a head in the last few years; people have been watching friends, family members, even romantic partners going from being reasonable, sensible individuals to alt-right, reality-denying s--theads, seemingly overnight. The algorithms that drive Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are almost perfectly designed to drown users in increasingly vitriolic and extreme content — content produced by hate groups and also by right-wing grifters who are happy to cater to the audience.

One of the joking-but-not-really comments about YouTube is that it doesn’t matter what you click on, you’re only two or three recommended videos away from content from Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson and other alt-lite gateways towards radicalization. This is especially true if you are even tangentially interested in traditionally “geeky” interests like video games or superhero movies. Channels like Geeks and Gamers, streamers like Ethan Van Scriver, even lawyers like Ty Beard have latched onto geek communities and stoked anger and resentment — primarily about women and minorities — in order to soak their viewers for cash and clout. As long as they can keep convincing their audience that The Enemy (again, women, people of color, LGBTQ folks) are Coming For Your Stuff, they’re able to continue milking them for GoFundMes, superchat and Twitch donations and Patreon subscriptions.

It’s significant that you mention GamerGate; GamerGate was, quite literally, the test market for this approach. Folks like Steve Bannon, Milo Yiannopoulos, Andrew Breitbart and others latched onto GamerGate in order to both radicalize them to the alt-right but make them useful idiots in support of Trump and literal neo-Nazis. But Trump’s fan-club haven’t been the only folks who’ve been stoking the fires of geeks in order to get them riled up and on their side; white supremacist groups have been infiltrating geek communities in order to recruit angry, isolated young men. Brandon Hole, who killed eight people at a FedEx facility in Indianapolis, was a Brony, for example, and the Brony community has been facing a Nazi problem for years. Vox Day, another avowed white supremacist, has been deeply involved with the ComicsGate community, using it both as a source for revenue but for spreading his ideology.

Incidentally, if you want to know more about how the alt-right and white supremacist groups infiltrate online subcultures to recruit people, I highly recommend Talia Levin’s “Cultural Warlords: My Journey into the Dark Web of White Supremacy”.

The issue at hand is that on social media — whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok or what-have-you — you’re not the audience; you’re the product. These sites want to keep their users on their sites for as long as possible, so as to show ads and collect your user data. The longer you’re on YouTube, for example, the more videos it can show you… and the more ads it can serve up. Your behavior likewise gets harvested in order to further refine the algorithms that they use to entice you to stay. Facebook, likewise, wants you to stay on Facebook to the exclusion of damn near anything else and uses algorithms to decide what you do and don’t see.

The way that they measure the success of the material they show you is via engagement — how much do you interact with the posts or videos that you see? Do you spend more time in this group or that one? Do you watch these videos most of the way through, and peace out sooner rather than later? Do you comment and like, share and subscribe and — importantly — watch the next video in your recommendations?

Because these social media juggernauts prioritize engagement, they end up prioritizing increasingly extreme content… content that is much more likely to get a response out of the audience. And that makes sense; after all, look at how much hue and cry there was over The Snyder Cut or the way that right-wingers lost their goddamn minds over Brie Larsen in Captain Marvel or Gina Carano getting kicked off The Mandalorian for being s--tty about LGBTQ people. That gets people angry, right-wingers subscribe and share it, left-wingers share it to dunk on it, people make response videos and so on.

This is the bread and butter for right-wing reactionary groups. Channels like Geek and Gamers produce content that’s designed to get people riled up — either with anger at the supposed SJWs who’re coming for their stuff, or to provoke responses from people who want to yell at them in comments and dunk on their rather weak commentary. Self-proclaimed “gurus” promise occult knowledge, whether it’s the cancer cure that “they” don’t want you to know about or how to interpret the verbal diarrhea on 8kun to learn more about the secret Satanic cabal that’s eating your babies and using imaginary drugs.

One of the unfortunate effects that comes when you have been mainlining this much hate is that… well, some of it tends to sink in. It’s a quirk of the human psyche that if somebody hears something often enough — especially if it’s said confidently enough — then you’re that much more likely to take it in. If you’ve ever heard a song on the radio that you hate at first, but keep hearing it over and over until you have to admit to yourself that it kinda slaps, then you’ve experienced this first hand.

And to make matters worse, groups like this will especially insist that you can’t listen to or trust people who disagree; they are already preying on a frequently isolated and lonely demographic, and focus on emphasizing that their isolation is the fault of others. They are the only ones who will understand you or respect you or who get what you’re going through. They are the only ones who you can rely on. Everyone else just doesn’t get it… or worse, is actively laughing at you.

I’m sure you can see how enticing this can be to a young man who’s already mostly housebound, with few to no friends or relationships outside of immediate family.

Which brings us to the second problem: your brother’s isolation. You mention that he’s autistic and has issues with things like emotional regulation, which makes it harder for him to be social. I have to wonder if part of the reason why he’s a “social hand grenade” as you put it is because of how overwhelming things can be for an autistic person. A lot of times, what can look like an autistic person having a fit or throwing a tantrum is actually a meltdown — an intense response, often to the point of losing control, to being sensory or emotional overload.

(Just for the record: after a fair amount of research, I’m still not entirely sure if meltdown is the accepted term or if it’s considered insulting by autistic people. It’s currently in use in most of the medical and psychological literature I consulted, but I’ll edit this if I’m wrong.)

That tantrum you mention that he threw when you took him out with friends might well have been less a tantrum and more a reaction to overwhelming sensory input or anxiety. If you took him to the pub with your friends, the noise, the lights, the crowds, even the smoke or just plain social anxiety could have been too much for him and triggered this.  And I want to be clear: you were trying to help him as best you could, and you were coming to this with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, you may have inadvertently put him in a situation that would’ve been a living nightmare for an autistic person.

Trying to socialize the way you or other allistic people do may not be feasible for your brother, at least not right now. I’m not surprised he’s become so isolated. It can be hard for folks like your brother to navigate a world that can be hostile to autistic people, especially considering how many therapies for autistic folks are unhelpful at best or torture at worst.

But that same isolation is not only what makes him a prime target for right-wing s--theads and the incel community, but also what makes it harder for him to leave those groups. One of the ways that people leave the incel community, for example, is by going out and interacting with the world, getting to know people as people, instead of the one-dimensional fictions that get tossed around on the boards. It’s much harder to buy into the idea of Chads and Stacies — or predatory trans people or vitriolic SJWs or whatever other boogiemen are being propped up as The Enemy — when you actually talk to them, hang out with them and get to know them.

So what do you do to help your brother?

Well if I’m perfectly honest, the best first step would be cutting off the source if at all possible. For all that during the election, people joked about visiting their older relatives and using the parental controls on TVs to block Fox News, OANN and the like… that’s actually not a bad idea in and of itself.

That having been said: it sounds like your brother is a legal adult and, while he has issues regarding emotional regulation and can’t hold down a job, he’s hardly intellectually disabled. As such, I’m really hesitant to seriously suggest muting or blocking channels. Yes, limiting access to GamerGate, ComicsGate and other right-wing associated channels on YouTube would go a long way towards changing things… but you’re also not his caregiver or legal guardian. Making decisions about what another adult is or isn’t allowed to watch on their own gets into seriously dicey territory and frankly I’m not comfortable saying that this is a viable option.

However, leaving the question of blocking those channels aside, limiting the time he spends watching them is a good idea, especially if you can provide alternative options. Helping him find other ways to occupy his time would be ideal. Part of the reason why he’s spending all of his time on YouTube is because he’s so isolated and stays at home. By helping get him out in the world — in ways that are less traumatizing or overwhelming to him — you take up time that he would spend on his laptop or tablet. When you’re not constantly drowning in s--t and have a few moments to think that aren’t dominated by Ethan Van Scriver yelling about Kelly Marie Tran, then you’re much more likely start to step away from it. After all, part of what these groups rely on is constant reinforcement. Cutting off that reinforcement gives you an opportunity to push back against the toxic ideas they’ve been spreading.

One of the best things you could do, especially if you want to help him socialize, would be to find local support groups for autistic people — ones who actually have autistic people running them, not just groups like Autism Speaks. These organizations can be a great resource for working on being more social and being able to go out and about and handle potential overwhelming situations… without resorting to things like ABA therapy.

Helping him find and build a social circle — one that isn’t predicated on online groups — will help ease his isolation, help build a sense of connection and community and drain some of the anger and resentment that these groups rely on.

(And for my readers: if you’re autistic, especially you reside in the the UK, I want to invite you to share your advice, experiences and resources in the comments.)

The next step is to engage with your brother a bit more. Right now, you avoid talking to him about much because it always ends in fights about so and so’s “lefty” politics… but that’s actually an opportunity to start to break the hold that these groups have on him. The mistake that a lot of folks make when dealing with people that they’re trying to convince is that they come at the conversation from a place of “I’m right, you’re wrong and you’re an idiot for believing in this, now let me correct you.” What’s far more effective is to start by building rapport with the person you’re trying to persuade. Coming to it from a place of “we’re both intelligent, reasonable people, we both have valuable and important insights” means that the person you’re trying to persuade is far less likely immediately put up their shields. By starting from there and asking your brother to explain, in his own words, just what he means, you’re in a better position to start to affect change.

The key here is to realize that you aren’t going to change their mind by debate; arguing with someone just tends to make them double down on what they already believe. What you’re looking to do is gently encourage him to notice the flaws in his own logic and arguments. Asking him to explain, saying things like “wait, but if that’s the case, then why…” or “what would they get out of this?” may get him going in Patrick-Starfish-esque circles, but it means that it’s much easier to plant seeds of doubt. Those seeds may not bloom right away — that takes time — but they do help create moments where he may start to question some of the assumptions and beliefs he’s bought into.

You can’t force someone to change their mind, nor can you reason them out of it. But by getting them to question their own beliefs, you help them change their own minds.

Finally, as you’re asking him to explain his beliefs or positions, offer some alternatives. Having counter-examples and counter-arguments can be incredibly helpful for shifting people away from groups like the incel community or the alt-right… especially if they can provide an example of someone who’s supposedly a “liberal lefty” but isn’t the stereotype they’re told to believe in. And since it’s helpful to do so in their own language, so to speak, then focusing on YouTubers can be a good starting point.

While I’m not big on a lot of “breadtube”, there’re certain YouTubers who I’ve found have been very good at breaking down arguments and false narratives in ways that even folks who’re coming into this skeptically can accept. Natalie Wynn — who records videos as ContraPoints — is very good at debunking common right-wing talking points and beliefs. Her videos on incels and masculinity, for example, have been incredibly good at pulling people back from the brink. I’d also recommend The 1 Janitor, Shaun and BigJoel as folks who are great at discussing and debunking alt-right arguments without talking down or putting people immediately on the defensive.

This is an area where “we both are reasonable people” can come in handy; telling your brother that hey, you listened to him, now it’s only fair that he listens to you can help make easier for you to get him to watch the videos. In fact, offering to watch them together may help.

Now again, I have to stress: this is a slow and gradual process, one that can take a lot of time to encourage him to change. And I’m going to be honest: sometimes that change never comes. Some people will cling to their isolation and hate, for a lot of reasons, including out of a sense of shame or fear. But the fact that you clearly love and care for your brother will hopefully help make it easier for you to at least plant those seeds and guide him towards changing for the better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I been married to my wife for 20 years. Our connection was intense! But now I’m wondering: why does my wife tend to touch other men on their arms or shoulders? I have expressed to her it makes me uncomfortable, but she does it anyway!

Personally, I try to avoid conversations or being in close proximity to other women. That way, in this day and age nothing can be misconstrued! I especially don’t touch other women anywhere, whether it be a pat on the shoulder or any where! I especially don’t stand close enough to other women to allow them to touch me, friendly or otherwise!

I feel like my touch is only for my wife. I also feel like my wife shouldn’t be willingly touching other men, no matter how innocent she thinks it is! I don’t do it out of respect for my wife, and I have personal beliefs that I feel like a married couple should never touch anyone outside the marriage AT ALL! I feel all touch in a marriage should be for the couple, their children, and immediate family! I feel very disrespected every time she does this!

I need some advice on how to deal with this, because lately it just seems to anger me more than before! Please help!

Thank you

Closed Circle

DEAR CLOSED CIRCLE: My advice is therapy, my dude.

I’m not surprised that your wife has kept on touching people while talking to folks; your request is pretty much unreasonable.

It’s one thing if your partner is doing something that’s actively disrespectful or damaging to your relationship — being inappropriately intimate with other people when you’re in a monogamous relationship, say — but “have no physical contact with anyone else, ever” is the definition of asking for way the hell too much.

Let’s be real; there is a hierarchy of intimacy when it comes to touch, and arm and shoulder are towards the least intimate side of that scale. I mean, let’s take your wife out of the scenario; would you see anything unusual if a man was touching another man in the same manner during conversation? Probably not, even if you yourself aren’t a particularly touch-y person. But if clapping your bro on the shoulder isn’t sexual, then why would the exact same gesture change meaning if you do it to a woman or if a woman does it to you?

Here’s the thing: communication isn’t just verbal; it’s also frequently physical. Touch is an important and versatile way that we communicate with others. A simple handshake can be a gesture demonstrating trustworthiness and respect or an act of dominance. A punch to the shoulder can be a sign of aggression, a statement of reproach, or an indication of admiration, congratulations or affection. And a touch on the arm can be a sign of approval, a form of emphasis, an indication to stop or hold back, or a way of changing the meaning of something being said. Pretending that all forms of physical contact — particularly between men and women — is just an indicator of sexual interest or a prelude to a come-on is ignorant at best.

(And if contact between a person and another person of their desired gender is inherently sexual, then what, exactly, are bi and pansexual people supposed to do? Become hermits and anchorites?)

If you believe the only person you should be touching is your wife… well, look, I think your belief is stupid, but whatever, you do you. However, seeing as your wife is an individual with autonomy, if she doesn’t believe the same as you do, then that’s a “you” problem, not a “her” problem.

Here’s the problem you’re having: you’re acting like you own your wife and it’s pretty clear that you’re taking her making physical contact with other people as a threat to your relationship… somehow. You say that this is out of respect for your wife but frankly, it’s pretty clear this all comes from a place of deep mistrust. I mean, dude, you literally say “that way, in this day and age, nothing can be misconstrued”; that’s not exactly a sign that you think the people you’re talking to are acting in good faith.

Now I’ve seen a lot of folks who do the whole “I refuse to be alone with/ talk to/ mentor women” thing; former Vice-President Pence is a famous example. But the problem with this is that it implies that the only reason why men would talk to women would be for sex and that any contact between men and women is inherently sexual or could be seen that way. This is not only bulls--t on its face, but following this to its logical conclusion would mean that women and men can’t exist in social spaces, especially ones that would bring them within arm’s reach of one another. And if we take that logic further… what does that mean for the women you work with? Are you going to refuse to work on a project with a female co-worker? Are you going to exclude female co-workers from networking or mentoring opportunities? What if you end up with a woman as a supervisor? Are you going to refuse to take meetings with her in her office? Are you going to try to keep all conversations to a bare minimum of words, lest she “misconstrue” things?

And if so… well, congratulations on trying to exclude a full half of the population from all aspects your life, I guess.

What you need to do is take a good, long and hard look at exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable here — both with your touching or talking to women and your wife touching other men. Like I said: it sure as hell seems like it’s coming from a place of mistrust at best. Either you expect women to misinterpret (possibly deliberately) your platonic behavior, or you expect that everyone is seeing touch as inherently sexual. In which case then the problem is that you don’t trust your wife. Because, let’s be real here, even if the guy she’s making contact with assumes sexual interest, it takes two to tango…

So like I said before: this is something to unpack with a therapist and possibly a couple’s counselor who can help you realize why this is unhelpful at best and actively damaging to your relationship at worst. And I suggest you get on this quickly, because 20 years is a hell of a lot to throw away because you couldn’t get your jealousy and mistrust issues under control.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am making active changes in my life, for personal growth. I do dialectical behavior therapy, and have PTSD counselors. There were issues in the past and I didn’t deal with them, so my coping skills was never let me be out of control, being selfish, and lashing out. I always get defensive, try not to let anyone steamroll me. etc. This behavior has led me to ruin. It’s my own fault.

So for a year after my husband left me and divorced me, I really saw how crappy I treated him and all kinds of people. I realized that my selfish agenda was not okay and I sought help. Now in the family, I was known as the drama queen crazy, yadda yadda. Denial was my friend… Now that I am actively changing for the better, of course, no one in the family believes I can change. So, I wrote a letter to everyone that I was mean rude or just selfish (no I’m not an alcoholic but the “make amends part ” goes for mental illness, etc. ). Understanding that they may not accept my apology, I needed to say that I am sorry. So my tells me that I am still holding animosity towards one of my in-laws for something that happened 7 years ago.  The reason I brought that up is because the nasty comment she said; I pondered on why she would say that. Did I ever do something wrong to her? The issue she’s focused on is that 8 years ago, she tried to jump in to an argument with my sister and I said some really nasty things.  Fast forward, I gave her a letter, apologized  via text, in person and she still does this.

This woman (who is only family by marriage) has been gossiping about me to my ex, who I am trying to get back with. He believes her because she plays coy, innocent, sweet and quiet. It’s happened a few times. I used to be the aggressive type of communicator and that never got me anywhere. So, I become assertive and call her out on what she said. They all knew what she said to them and I found out. So I asked her, again, if she could forgive me. I am not that person anymore. Well, three folks are on her side.  I am her elder, I would have never done that to my elder.. But everyone doesn’t live life with my expectations. When she talks about me and my ex believes her, we get farther apart. How do I be so calm and not let her affect me? I want to patch up with my ex.

I have had people tell me not to be alone in the same room as her, because she twists things. It’s a fact I can’t change her mind about the changes, but she is interfering with him and I getting back together.

Please help me.

Of course someone is going to believe the quiet coy one, because in the past I was so dramatic. Being assertive hasn’t worked, she is passive aggressive and says underhanded comments. How can I show them I’m not that way anymore and I don’t know what to do about her gossiping, slander? She lives with him and her husband. I’d love it if I never had to speak to her ever again, but I can’t, since she lives with him. I’m trying to be the good Christian  unlike before.

Seriously give me a strategy please. I want to make up to my ex husband and hopefully we get back together. I know I can’t erase the selfishness, neglect, etc, but if he takes me back, I can spend the rest of my life making it up to him. 

Look At All These Rumors

DEAR LOOK AT ALL THESE RUMORS: Alright LAATR, I’m gonna level with you: you’ve got a fairly significant uphill climb here, and part of the problem you’re facing is that you’re kinda going about this the wrong way.

Now first and foremost: it’s really admirable that you’ve recognized that your behavior was unacceptable, that you’ve hurt people you’ve cared about and that you needed to make a change. Similarly, it’s admirable that you’ve been doing the work to try to get better — going to therapy, working with counselors who treat PTSD and so on. That’s all to the good. That speaks a lot to the sincerity of your emotion. It’s also good that you’ve been reaching out and apologizing for your past behavior and trying to make amends wherever possible. Trying to make things right — as best as you can, at least — is important.

But here’s the thing: doing this with an agenda beyond “working on my issues so I don’t hurt the people around me” and “make right what I put wrong” is going to throw everything off. One of the most important things you have to realize is that while you’re being sincere in your apologies and wanting to make things right… that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to believe you or accept your apology. In fact, the people you hurt may have very good reason to not believe that you’re sincere or feel like you have ulterior motives beyond making amends. They are still going to be weighing your current behavior in light of what you did before, and that’s going to make some folks hesitant to accept your apology at face value. And as much as it may hurt you if they don’t believe you, there really isn’t anything you can do to make them see that you’re sincere. And — depending on just what happened between you and them — they may not be willing or able to accept your apology. They may never be willing to accept it. And frankly, that’s their right, and you have to be willing to live with this. It absolutely sucks, but making amends and trying to do better means that you face and live with the consequences of your actions, and those consequences may mean that some folks aren’t going to trust you or take you back.

Again: it absolutely sucks, but that’s life. Sincere apologies and making amends doesn’t mean you get to skip or avoid the fallout.

And if you’re doing this with an eye towards getting your ex back… well, unfortunately, that gives everyone reason to question your sincerity.

Now I don’t know what you said to your in-law or why she’s holding onto this years later. Likewise, I can’t say whether she’s gossiping about you maliciously because F--k YOU, THAT’S WHY, or if she sincerely doesn’t trust you or sees you through the lens of how you used to be. But the simple truth is that you aren’t in any position to stop her or do anything about this. Confronting her or throwing around accusations isn’t going to help. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s just going to end up looking like you’re backsliding to how you were before. At worst, it confirms whatever she’s been saying.

You have exactly one thing you can do here: you keep doing your therapy, you keep talking to your counselor, you keep improving and you live your life. If you want people to accept that you’re sincere and that you’re trying to do better, then you have to show them through your actions. That means continuing to work towards being the person you want to be and living your life with integrity and in alignment with your values. As I’m often saying around here: deeds, not words. Talk is cheap; action is strong. If you want people to believe you, then telling them won’t work. You have to demonstrate your sincerity through your day to day life. And to be clear, this doesn’t mean making a production about “LOOK AT HOW DIFFERENT I AM, I’VE CHANGED!”, it means just being the person you want to be. You can’t try to arrange things so that your ex or folks in his circle see how different you are, you have to be different and accept that either they’ll hear about it or not. If they do, then your consistency and authenticity may — and I stress may — encourage some folks to be willing to give you another chance. But they may not, even if they believe you; they may decide that they were hurt too badly to try.

Your friends are right: you should avoid being alone with your in-law. Not just because she twists everything or what-have-you, but because there really isn’t going to be a good outcome. If she’s malicious, then she’ll lie. If she’s sincere but doesn’t trust you, she’s going to see everything in terms of how things were. And trying to get her to stop “interfering” with your ex is only going to make things worse. I understand your wanting to defend yourself but there’s simply nothing you can do that isn’t going to make things more complicated at best. Your only defense, as it were, is to live your life with integrity. You can’t change their minds for them, and you can’t get caught up trying on convincing them; that just ends up pulling you away from your goals to be a better person. Your focus needs to be on making amends where you can (and where trying to do so won’t cause more harm) and being a better person. Your ex, his family and everyone else can see how you behave now and decide what they think for themselves.

And by that same token: your improvement can’t be contingent on getting your ex back. That very well may not happen. If he decides he just can’t give you another chance, then what happens next? Are you going to throw all of your improvement aside?

Like I said: you’re doing a lot of work to be better and that’s admirable. I hope you keep at it and you continue to improve. But part of being better means taking responsibility for your actions and the consequences that came from them. If this means that your ex and other former members of your social circle aren’t willing to try again, then that’s it. It sucks, and you should mourn the loss. But the only thing to do is to keep moving forward, a little sadder and a little wiser. You’ll make other friends, meet other potential partners and — most importantly — you’ll be a better person and you won’t hurt yourself, your relationships or other people the way you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com