DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it wrong for me to fear women? Every time I try to talk to a girl my age they never talk back to me. They just give me weird look stare or roll their eyes. All the time. I have also had women call me creepy or weird even coworkers at my job do this. I am currently 24. I don’t look at women anymore nor do I talk to them unless they talk to me first. When I am at the store and a girl is down the aisle I will go the other way or wait for her to leave. I am afraid of women, I don’t want to be charged with a crime of stalking or something of the like. I don’t hate women, I don’t take the red pill or whatever. They just hate me. What should I do to break my fear and have a conversation with the opposite sex?

Don’t Fear The Creeper

DEAR DON’T FEAR THE CREEPER: There are a couple of issues going on here.

The first is that there is something that you’re doing that’s clearly weirding women out. You may not intend to come across as creepy, but somehow you’re giving off a vibe that women – including your co-workers – are finding off-putting. And the answer is, simply: figure out what it is and stop doing that.

Yes, I realize that’s about as useful as saying that the secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss, but stick with me for a second.

The problem with diagnosing yourself as a creeper who constantly puts people off with his creepy ways is that… well, creep is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes the beholder is a dishonest narrative coming from the anxiety in your own brain. Anxiety that, I might add, that you’re pretty clearly suffering from.

Anxiety is a goddamn liar and it will tell you the worst things because you already fear them. And because we have an inherent negativity bias, you’re much more likely to believe that those fear-fueled interpretations are accurate because they confirm what you believe about yourself.

But what if it IS true? What if you’re genuinely creeping people out? How do you figure out what the issue is and fix it?

Well, the first step is doing some honest self-examination. Most of the time when a dude is giving off the creepy-vibe, people will have a concrete example – he may ignore the concept of personal space or constantly bring up inappropriate topics. He may address all of is questions to her cleavage or constantly be trying to touch someone, even after having been warned off. He may be missing out on social cues and not picking up on signs of disinterest or even indications that his presence isn’t wanted.

If you’re continually getting bad reactions from people when you’re approaching then, then I’d be willing to bet that the issue is most evident in either your body language or the way you’re starting the conversation. Now, I have a video about the most common things guys do that can make them come off as creepy — youtu.be/Mkq7EVDXfXQ — which should be a good place to start, but it’s also a good idea to talk to your co-workers. Let them know that you understand that you come off as creepy and you’re trying to fix that, and you’d appreciate knowing just what it is that you’re doing wrong. Hopefully they’re mature enough to realize that you’re making a good faith effort to improve and will respond in kind – and that they can give you something more to work with than “everything, man”.

Your fear of women is the other issue, and I suspect that it’s amplifying everything else. When you’re obsessing about the worst possible outcome – being charged with stalking,  to use your example – it’s going to end up coloring everything you do, from your body language to your word choice, even to the way you interpret the way people react to you. Intellectually, you realize that what you’re picturing is ridiculous, but hey, when your brain decides to kick things into overdrive, rationality goes out the window.

Normally when dealing with a phobia like approach anxiety, the keys are to desensitize yourself over time and to control the symptoms. The brain is ruled by the body, and the fear response is as much about your heart rate and your adrenal glands as it is about the thing that you’re afraid of. Breath control is an excellent way of calming yourself down; breathe in for the count of five, hold it for a moment or two, then breathe out to the count of 10. This helps slow your heart-rate and, in turn, calms you down.

In your case however, I suspect that you may well have a social anxiety issue, which may be an underlying cause of your other problems. It might not be the worst idea to talk to a therapist, especially someone who handles phobias and anxiety problems, about how to get that under control. Talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can go a long way towards overcoming those fears. Anti-anxiety medication may be an option as well; many anxiety disorders are chemical imbalances, and  readjusting things may the key to breaking the mental cycle that causes you to tense up and panic.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help; it’s actually one of the strongest and bravest things you can do for yourself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I see a lot of advice about what confidence looks like in men (body language, especially), but I don’t know what confidence looks like for me as a woman. Most flirting behavior for women seems to be based on submission cues, but everyone says to be “confident” while flirting.

While I know submissive confidence is possible from BDSM experience, I think things might be different outside of that specific context. I’m very used to and comfortable with employing masculine confidence in my professional life as an engineer, but I have no idea how feminine confidence would work.

How is masculine vs feminine confidence the same or different, especially for flirting and dating?

— Show, Don’t Tell

DEAR SHOW, DON’T TELL: Confidence is one of those concepts that tends to get confusing really quickly in situations like these, because of how broad of a term it can be and how much people conflate it with other concepts. A lot of people, for example, think that confidence is the knowledge that you can’t fail or that you have all these successes behind you that “prove” you can do something. Others see confidence as believing that you’re the hottest s--t jumping out of the coffee pot.

And honestly, while I think you could make the argument that most of these are forms of confidence, in practical terms, they’re also misleading. For example, incredibly accomplished people are often the least confident. People who have an almost absurd level of accomplishments, education and experience are frequently subject to imposter syndrome and feel like their success is a fluke or a fraud. The issue isn’t how much they know or that they’ve accomplished, it’s their awareness of how much they don’t know. This is also why I don’t by into the idea that you can only develop confidence through success; it’s all too easy to succeed without knowing why or believing that you deserved it.

Similarly, you can believe in yourself to the point of delusion, but that isn’t confidence nor is it terribly attractive. That’s not confidence, that’s arrogance.

Confidence, especially when it comes to dating, isn’t about what you have or haven’t done, it’s in what you understand about yourself. It’s recognizing that failing at something doesn’t make you a failure, that you can not succeed and survive and move forward. It’s about realizing that fear is often just that: fear. It’s something you can overcome. And it’s about having enough belief in yourself that you don’t crumble under the weight of someone else’s opinion.

Part of the point of confident body-language, for example, is about what it says about you. Folding in on yourself, standing hunched over and with your arms wrapped protectively around yourself tells people that you don’t believe you have the right to the space you occupy. It signals to people that you don’t believe in yourself or your own value and so you try to avoid notice and not come in contact or conflict with others. Standing up straight, however, with your shoulders back and your arms loose and relaxed, on the other hand, signals the opposite. You’re not afraid of people taking notice of you, and you are entitled to your space. It’s a sign of your belief in your own worth and capability. You don’t believe that your mere existence is an affront to others; you believe that you have value and aren’t afraid to say so.

Of course, by that same token, someone who sprawls and takes up excess space or infringes on the personal space of others, is exhibiting arrogance and entitlement, not confidence.

So, let’s look at confidence in a dating context — especially for women. Now, I would argue that a lot of the styles of flirting that’re coded as female aren’t submission cues; quite the opposite in fact. While (cis) women’s flirting signals may be subtle, they aren’t necessarily submissive. They’re taking the initiative to send messages… just in ways that are based around current social mores and expectations around gender. The classic “make eye contact, look away, look back and smile”, for example, isn’t a sign of submission. It’s sending the message of “I’ve seen you looking at me, I’ve caught you looking at  me again, which means the first wasn’t a fluke, and y’know what? I approve.” That sequence of behaviors isn’t submission, it’s permission — an indication that she would be receptive to someone coming over and saying hello. Moving into close proximity with someone — either during conversation or as a means of facilitating an approach — is likewise about showing interest and giving permission; it’s a way of saying “I’m comfortable with your physical presence” and “I want to make it easier for you to start talking to me”, respectively. Preening behavior like straightening clothes or adjusting one’s hair is about making sure one is presenting oneself in the best light.

And while an argument could be made that being subtle or sending an approach invitation is submissive because they’re not initiating overtly, it’s also true that a lot of women who flirt openly and directly tend to be punished for doing so — often socially, sometimes physically. But, importantly, women who flirt like this aren’t passively waiting for people to come to them or are just being receptive to anyone who comes along. They’re taking the initiative in a way that encourages the people they’re interested in to come over and say hello. While these signals aren’t as overt or obvious as the ways men tend to flirt, it’s showing interest and giving the other person an opportunity to make their move. They’re clearing the path, as it were… especially since some guys may want to approach but are hesitant to do so.

That’s confidence. It’s an expression of confidence that’s based in part on the social expectations built up around gender… but it’s still confidence. In communities or social groups where there’re fewer restrictions around gender expression — or where women feel comfortable and safe expressing themselves openly —  a lot of the ways that women flirt or show interest tends to be similar to the way men do.

Where confidence comes in isn’t in how overt or covert you act, but in the willingness to own your interest and act on it and to accept the risk of being ignored or rejected. Somebody who stammers and stumbles while trying to talk to someone, but continues to do so rather than running away is displaying confidence. Hesitantly asking somebody out on a date or blushing and being embarrassed while trying to tell someone you like them is being confident. The confidence isn’t about the smoothness or the skill, it’s about doing it at all. Smoothness and skill comes from experience. Confidence is recognizing that being turned down will suck, but you’ll get over it… and so you accept the risk of rejection in order to have the chance to get what you want.

Being willing to express yourself, even when other people disagree is confidence. Not backing down or giving in at the first sign of trouble, resistance or disagreement is confidence. Recognizing that you can overcome inexperience and survive failure are all forms of confidence. Being willing to own your place in the world — physically as well as metaphorically — are forms of confidence.

So in terms of what it looks like: it looks like taking action, because confidence comes from action. It looks like standing one’s metaphorical ground. It looks like making the attempt, even in the face of fear or anxiety. And it looks like advocating for your own interests and needs.

While yes, this sounds incredibly vague or unspecific, that’s because the emotion behind it is more important than the outward expression. How you express confidence is going to depend on the context and situation, and so it’s going to change according to circumstances. It doesn’t automatically mean refusing to use soft language — especially when there may be times that doing so risks your job — nor does it mean being brash and brassy when you’re into somebody. It means doing what needs to be done in that moment, in the way that it needs to be done.

To paraphrase a certain general: be afraid… but do it anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A bit of background first; I’m a 26 year old hetero male who is a virgin and never had a girlfriend, and no dating experience. Last year I discovered your work after a difficult few years at undergrad. Since reading your columns my attitude has gone from “finding a woman who is interested in me is completely unrealistic” to “I can work on my presentation and skills and give myself a chance”. In the past I have had very bad experiences with Oneitis but feel I have made progress in developing an abundance mentality as I have been taking my life and my career in the direction I want it to go.

After a year of work in my hometown I moved to a new city for postgrad, although everything was under lockdown due to the pandemic, meaning my debut to dating so far has been put on hold. Things are starting to open up, but my course ends in five months and I will be moving away again for work, possibly overseas. I am unsure of how often I might need to move for work in the future too.

So my question is, how do I date and gain dating experience when I will be moving away? I have always longed for a long term relationship, but due to me relocating I would need to look for something short term, but I’m not sure how I would look for this kind of relationship without making a potential date feel like she’s wasting her time with me.

All the best

Lonesome Nomad

DEAR LONESOME NOMAD: The first obvious answer is that long-distance relationships are a thing. They’re not easy, and they work best when there’s a point where you both know it won’t be an LDR any more, but they are possible. The ubiquity of messaging and video apps make them much easier and more manageable in ways that they weren’t even 20 years ago.

However, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend one for your first relationship, or even while you’re trying to get established with your career.

I think the problem you’re having LN, is that you seem to be dismissing the value of a short-term relationship.

Now, this is understandable. Our entire culture tends to put all the emphasis on long-term relationships. All of our stories, songs, movies and TV shows lionize and romanticize the idea that relationships are better the longer they are. According to pop culture, the ideal relationship only ends when one or both partners die in the saddle after a lifetime together. Short term relationships are seen as being shallow, less important, less meaningful and less desirable. If you can’t commit for the long-haul, then don’t bother.

And that, frankly, is bulls--t. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem, nor should they be. Some are meant to be short stories. Some are just meant to be dirty limericks. The length of a relationship doesn’t determine its worth or value; the connection and the emotions do. If you have a happy relationship that lasts for four months before the two of you go your separate ways, then you’ve both had a meaningful and valuable experience. If you end that relationship and still have affection and respect for one another — even if you’re not actively in each other’s lives as friends or what-have-you — then that was a successful relationship.

It’s understandable that you worry that any potential date would feel like you’re wasting her time. But the thing is: that’s not an issue about prioritizing short-term relationships, that’s an issue about compatibility. That’s a case where you and your date simply have different goals want different relationships. Realistically speaking, that’s not different between going on a date with someone where one person wants kids and the other doesn’t.

The way that you avoid this is to be up front about what you want, what you’re looking for and what you have to offer. Being straightforward about just looking for something short-term or that you aren’t looking for long-term commitment, just someone like-minded who isn’t looking for a relationship that leads to the house, white picket fence and 2.5 kids (or, y’know, the nifty condo or whatever). And there are women out there who prefer short term relationships. There are people who prefer variety and who don’t stay in relationships for very long. There’re people who need that new-relationship energy and tend to bounce when it starts to fade. And there are people who are cool with taking life as it comes, who want to have fun times with a cool guy and aren’t looking for or interested in a lifelong commitment.

Being clear about this and up front with people you date — in your dating profile on the apps or talking about it early on when you’re getting to know someone  — gives potential partners to opt in, rather than their assuming one things and then discovering that they have to opt out of what is actually on offer. While this may mean that there’re first dates that don’t lead to second dates… that also means that you aren’t spending time and energy on a person who is ultimately not on the same page with you.

So date casually or date short term but monogamously, but date. Just be clear: there’s a hard deadline where you’ll be moving, and it may be a long time before you’re settled in any one place for a while. The people who are cool with this will opt in, the ones who aren’t will peace out. And then later on, you may well find yourself in a short term relationship that just doesn’t end until years or decades later.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com