DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is gonna be a long one so I apologize in advance for that. I’ve been having some strong resentful feelings for my ex and I can’t seem to get over him. Let me explain.

At the start of last year I (a gay man) started seeing a guy who I had a huge crush on for the longest time. I should also mention this is was the first guy friend I’ve ever had a crush on and the first guy I’ve dated. Originally he didn’t feel the same way about me. He actually had a crush on someone else at the time. This didn’t stop him from sleeping with me however at a party and after a few weeks of being patient he did tell me he was starting to have feelings for me as well and eventually we started dating. We went out for a few months then he broke up with me, stating he had mental problems and couldn’t handle a relationship at that time. Me caring about his well being was understanding and told him as soon as he’s better we could try again. Only I found out later that was a lie, he was just spoon feeding me some bulls--t so he could go out with the guy he originally had a crush on. I was pretty devastated for a while after learning that. I felt betrayed and used. It seemed like I was only a placeholder until this other guy became available.

Anyway, after a few months I met someone else. We hit it off right away, started going out, and almost a year later we’re still together. I can honestly say that my relationship with my current bf is the best I’ve ever had. We connect on so many levels, we share a lot of the same interests and we love each other deeply.

So all in all things worked out for me in the end but here’s my issue. My ex, who I’ve blocked and unfriended on every social media site I can imagine is still part of the same friend circles me and my boyfriend are in, so no matter how hard I try, from time to time he still pops up in my periphery. And every time he does I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger and resentment. Before he and I even went out, I’d like to think we were pretty close friends and the way he led me on for a few months only to discard me as soon as it was convenient for him, like I was tissue paper just destroyed all that good will between us.

I know these feelings are unhealthy and that I’m better off with my current boyfriend, but I don’t know if deep down there’s part of me that still cares about him and that’s why I feel this way. I don’t want it to impact what I have now because like I said, we’re all in the same friend groups. Now that things are starting to open up again it’s inevitable that I’ll be running into my ex at some meetup and I don’t know how I’m going to react.

I’ve often thought about sending him a message and just laying it all out there to him and try to bury the hatchet so to speak, but I’ve had some friends tell me that’s a bad idea, that he can just claim no wrongdoing and turn it back around on me and make me feel even worse.

Sorry this was so long. I wanted to provide as much context as possible. I’d be forever grateful for any advice you can provide.

Thanks!

Still Resentful For Some Reason

DEAR STILL RESENTFUL FOR SOME REASON: On the surface, it’s pretty simple, SRSR: you’re still angry with him because you feel used. You were dating somebody in good faith and you had that faith betrayed. You believed that his feelings for you were legitimate, until he gave you a line, dumped you and started dating this other guy. You don’t say how long it was between your being dumped and his taking up with someone else, but it was obviously close enough to when he ended things with you that you feel like you were a placeholder. That is entirely and completely understandable. It’s a really, really s--tty feeling.

That being said, I wonder if there’s a part of you that’s angry at yourself too. To be clear: I don’t mean that you’re to blame, but that you’re blaming yourself for being taken in. Is it possible that there’s some part of you that feels like you should’ve seen this coming, some red flag that, in retrospect that you either missed or ignored and shouldn’t have?

Let’s get this part out of the way right off the top: if it is the case that there’s a part of you that feels like you should’ve been smarter, been more observant or that your Spidey-sense failed you when it shouldn’t have… well, then you should forgive yourself for that. This is very much a case of loving not wisely but too well, and that’s not something to be ashamed of.

Here’s the thing: It’s very easy to look back and say “how did I miss this??” or “How could I have been so stupid?” There’s a reason why hindsight is 20/20. The truth is that  you didn’t miss it. You weren’t stupid. You were going into a relationship under the (reasonable!) assumption that he was being honest with you when he said he was having feelings for you. You’re backfilling information and context that you didn’t have at the time and honestly couldn’t have had. You were making the best choices you could with the information you had at the time.

I know there are folks who will say “well, he was willing to bang you while he had a crush on someone else,” and call that proof that you should’ve known better. I completely disagree with that. That’s Monday morning quarterbacking with the benefit of already knowing how it turned out. It’s far easier to sit in judgement when you weren’t in that moment. People are complicated, feelings are more complicated and it’s possible to have complex feelings for one person and to date other folks in good faith. Sometimes the way you get over an unrequited crush is to put yourself out there and remind yourself that they aren’t the only guy out there. And many times, that crush fades as you realize that you’ve got something better than a dude who doesn’t like you back the way you wish they did.

So no, I don’t think you should’ve “known better.” I think you did what we all aspire to do when we date: you went into a relationship assuming good intentions and honesty from somebody you were dating. Unfortunately… you happened to date someone who, it seems, was willing to do the whole “love the one you’re with” thing while waiting for the window of opportunity to open.]

With that out of the way, let’s address the other reason I think you’re still upset: you want closure. It would be one thing if this guy was completely out of your life and you could just drop him into the trash can of your dating history. But LGBTQ circles tend to be fairly small and overlapping and the odds of seeing your ex (or exes) at events or get-togethers is high. So now instead of being able to just let things fade or imagining he’s miserable… you see him and the universe has failed to do its karmic duty and dump a bucket of horse s--t on him. You (understandably, reasonably) feel wronged by him and he doesn’t seem to be paying a price for it. That’s frustrating! We like to think that the people who do us wrong will get their just comeuppance and… well, the universe doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately, some people do s--tty things and never deal with meaningful repercussions, and that leaves us to just have to continue with our lives knowing that those sins won’t be punished on our behalf.

This is why I ask: just between you, me and everyone reading this… what would you hope to get out of sending him a message and laying it all out? I suspect — because God knows I’ve been there myself — that there’s a part of you that hopes that he’d see that he was The Bad Guy in this. That he’d have a moment of stunning self-awareness or that his conscience would prick him and he would realize that He Done You Wrong and would beg your forgiveness and you would finally feel vindicated. Unfortunately, I am here from the future — again, been there, done that — to tell you: that’s probably not gonna happen. Down the line, maybe, when and if he’s grown, matured and has the perspective to realize that what he did was s--tty. But now? I can all but guarantee you that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong or simply won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing on his part. It may not even be out of maliciousness; it may well just be a lack of self-awareness. But that lack of acknowledgement runs the risk of making you feel worse. And if he’s the sort to try to judo-flip s--t onto you… well, do you really want to open yourself up to that sort of unnecessary pain?

Here is a truth: you will never get closure from him. Closure is a gift you give yourself. It’s about accepting what happened, understanding things as best you can and making your peace with it. Part of making that peace is recognizing that you only have control over your side of things — in your interpretation of events, in your understanding and in how you decide to let go and move forward. You can’t make someone else see things your way or agree with your view, and trying to do so is often an exercise in futility. Sometimes you and your ex can talk things out and it can be a great, constructive and cathartic conversation. But not always, and not with every ex. So it’s more important to focus on what you can control, and that’s yourself.

Here’s what I suggest: write out that message you were thinking of sending. In fact, I suggest that you write it out by hand. First, this engages different parts of your brain than typing. There’s something visceral about putting pen to paper that even the clickiest mechanical keyboard can’t replicate. Even printing out what you wrote doesn’t match the feeling of looking over something you’ve written by hand.  Second — and just as importantly — you’re going to take that physical letter and set that s--t on fire. A (controlled, safe) fire can be an incredibly cathartic experience; watching the things that represent your complex and ugly feelings burn to ash can feel purifying. You can make this as elaborate a ritual as you want. I know some folks who like to get a small candle, scratch the name of their ex on it and let it melt away. I know some who will print out a photo of their ex and write all their emotions and feelings over it before applying the match. But regardless of how elaborate you make it, taking those feelings and those resentments and desires for vindication, writing them all out and then burning them away will bring you satisfaction and a sense of closure.

Maybe in the future you and your ex can talk things out and he’ll be in a place where he can admit he f--ked you over. Hell, as long as we’re imagining, we can even imagine him apologizing and asking your forgiveness. But that’s not today, and that’s not going to help you now. So give yourself that closure. And, as you do so: forgive yourself for caring for someone who wasn’t worthy of your affection. Then offer a little gratitude for how this s--tty situation has lead you to a much better guy and a much better relationship.

You’ll feel better. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Only found your site today and rather than mulling over contacting advice columns as I have in the past I thought I’d just jump in and give it a try.

I have been reading through a few of your articles, and find myself relating a lot to the issues present. Bit of background: I’m a 34 year old male virgin in the UK. I’m not particularly handsome, although when not on depressive cycle I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was particularly ugly, and I am an endomorph, so fall on the overweight side of the scale no matter how much I try and watch my intake. I also fall into the category of not feeling like I have much in the way of outward skills, I like a lot of the standard geek/nerd stuff, got into video games thanks to primary school bullying, and anime thanks to Shonen Jump’s links through Toonami.

I don’t necessarily have an issue talking to people, although large groups of strangers do give me some anxiety, and have friends both male and female, yet can’t seem to find anyone who wants to see me as more than a friend.

I’ve been on numerous dating apps, as well as a few specifically designed for hookups, but get very few notifications that I’ve been liked and even fewer that end up with matches (I don’t just swipe right on everyone) and on nights out I feel like people just look through me or past me rather than anyone trying to get me to notice them. As you can probably guess self confidence is a major inhibitor to me approaching someone and making the first move, especially if trying not to come across as creepy.

I spent 10 years in a long term but ultimately loveless relationship with no physical intimacy whatsoever thanks to the other party not being honest about their asexuality until much later in the relationship, and my not wanting to be alone again preventing me from moving on much earlier. We’ve had an amicable break but I still find myself wondering if I will ever find someone at my age who likes me for me and wants a relationship and family.

Everything I’ve come across on getting back out there seems to come down to being ultimately anyone but me. I’m not particularly ambitious or confident, I’m trying to get more physically active post lockdown, but again, more as a means to see if it helps romantically than because it’s something I actively want to do as that seems to be the advice everywhere.

I don’t believe I dress down, but am limited on what I can afford, and always make an extra effort if I’m going out but nothing seems to work. Because I had, when younger, looked to be more settled at this time of life, I see myself as a failure at life and it does affect my mental health at times.

What’s worse is I’ve had female friends both past and present give the usual well intentioned lines such as ‘You’ll make someone very happy someday’ or ‘Why can’t I find someone like you’…you did, it was me. As such I genuinely feel worthless most of the time and if it’s not the other person’s fault (because there be incels) then it must be something wrong with me.

I can’t say I’m expecting much from this, as I’ve spoken to friends about this multiple times without any change, but maybe writing it down will act as some form of catharsis and, as someone with more of a professional than personal view, maybe you can shed some light where others have failed.

Thanks for reading at least

Getting Out There

DEAR GETTING OUT THERE: Not to point out the obvious, GOT, but I think you’d be better off talking to a mental health professional, not a loudmouth with an advice column. You lead off with a line about “when you’re not on a depressive cycle,” and mention that you spent ten years in a loveless relationship that quite clearly has done a number on you and your self-esteem. That’s not something to just wave off like it’s unimportant; you spent a decade in a relationship that left you feeling unwanted and unloved. That’s going to affect… well, damn near everything, really. That’s also not really the sort of thing you just “get over” because enough time went by or because you willed yourself out of it. This is the sort of thing that you should talk to a counselor or therapist about and — as I’m always saying — Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor.

So my suggestion for a first step would be to make an appointment with a counselor who can help you unpack your (real, valid and understandable) feelings about your relationship and and your history — the bullying, the isolation, the fear of being alone, all of it. That’s going to go a lot further towards helping you in the long run. If you have a chronic depression or other mental health issues, they can help you with that as well; they may well feel that you would benefit from antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication. There’s absolutely no shame with asking for help or getting medication that will help you get your head right. That’s not a sign of weakness or not being man enough, it’s a sign that you’re strong enough and brave enough to know you can’t do this on your own and you’ve got the courage to reach out to others.

One thing I can say with some certainty is that you’ve got a bad case of jerk-brain, taking the worst possible interpretation out of what others have said. When someone says “Why can’t I find someone like you,” that’s not an indication that there’s something wrong with you; they’re explicitly saying that you have qualities that they like and admire and would love to have in a partner. They may not love you the way you might wish they did, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care for you, nor does it mean that there’s something wrong with you. It just means that they don’t have sexual or romantic feelings for you. That’s not because of some deficiency or judgement against you, it just means they don’t feel that particular way. Think of the women you see every day — your friends, your co-workers, the folks who give you your morning brew on the way to work — that you aren’t attracted to. You don’t think they’re horrible or deficient, am I right? In fact, I’m willing to say that there’re many women in your life who you think are awesome… but you aren’t attracted to them. That doesn’t mean they’re awful or unloveable or undesirable; you’re just not into them and that’s ok.

That jerk-brain is affecting other aspects of your life as well. The fact that you’re not married or settled down at your age doesn’t make you a failure. Things didn’t work out the way you hoped they would; that’s always a shame, but it’s a world of difference from being a failure. Failing at something doesn’t mean you are a failure, it just means that you didn’t succeed. There’s a world of difference, and it’s an important one. I didn’t succeed as a comic artist; that doesn’t mean I’m a failure, it just means I attempted something that didn’t work out and I learned from it. The same goes for you. Yeah, things aren’t where you would like them to be, but you’re in a position to make changes and do things differently. You can attack your goals from a different angle, you will realize that maybe what you wanted isn’t what you need or that now that you’re older and wiser, you have a better idea of what you do want.

But the important thing to remember is that your past choices don’t define you. You made the best choices you could with the information you had at the time; now you know differently and you can make different choices.

In the meantime, I think something that will help — besides talking to a counselor or therapist — would be to focus less on dating and more on doing things purely for yourself. The things that make you attractive or “dateable” are holistic parts of your life, not separate pieces. The things that make your life better over all are what help the most when it comes to finding relationships. Rather than focusing on being more physically active because it might make you more attractive for example, focus on being more physically active because it makes you feel better. Our bodies were designed to move; the more physical activity you engage in, the healthier and happier you will be overall. Even just going on regular walks can make a massive difference in your health and your emotional outlook. It might help to take on a challenge like the Couch-to-5k program or one of the many virtual races out there — having a goal to work towards will help keep you motivated, and achieving it will boost your confidence as well as your health.

The same goes for how you dress; focus less on trying to impress and more on finding your style and dressing in a way that makes you feel like a sexy bad-ass. This doesn’t need to cost a lot of money; you can put a sharp wardrobe together through thrift stores and some tailoring. When it comes to clothes, fit is king, followed by quality, and then by price. Keeping things simple with an investment piece or two goes a lot further than a closet full of expensive stuff that doesn’t fit right or that you don’t like wearing. The more you do the things that make you feel good and accomplished, the more it boosts your overall confidence and the quality of your life. That, in turn, makes it much easier to meet people — people who would be thrilled to meet a guy like you. By putting the emphasis on feeling good and having a life that you enjoy, you make it that much easier to find people who would love to share it with you. But by letting your focus be the love of your life, you don’t demoralize yourself by making your happiness dependent on others. You are teaching yourself that you deserve happiness, that you deserve good things and — importantly, you’re capable of going out and making those good things happen.

But again: these are in addition to talking to someone, not instead of. You sound like you’re carrying a lot of pain around, GOT, and it’s time for you to put that burden down. Find a counselor and start to unpack those complex and understandable feelings; you’ll be much happier in the long run.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Oftentimes, people on the Internet give advice about where to meet women, and one of the places is activity groups. However, this comes with the caveat that you can’t just do it because you want to meet women, or else no one there would like you. My question to that is why? Why is looking to meet women a bad motivation for joining an activity group or trying something new?

I’m at the level of dissatisfaction with my dating and sex life that my priorities are going to be different than someone who feels better about theirs. Combine that with the fact that if I didn’t care about meeting women, I would basically never leave my apartment except to go to work, go shopping for stuff I need, and go get food. But since I do want to meet women, I do other things, join different activity groups, and try new things.

Now, it has turned out that I genuinely enjoyed the thing I’ve tried, even if one of my major motivations was to just meet women (and if I didn’t like the activity itself, I’d stop it), but because I’m told that meeting women is a bad reason to try new things, and it’s creepy to try to hit on women if that’s a reason you tried it, I never do. But I have no idea why it’s bad and creepy to try something new because you want to meet women.

So why is it?

On The Lookout

DEAR ON THE LOOKOUT: This is all about the differences in people’s experiences, OTL. One of the things about being a guy — or visibly presenting as male — is that we move through the world in ways that women don’t. As I mentioned to Innocent Bystander yesterday, the experiences women have as they go through their lives can be night and day different from the experiences that men have. That difference leads to the accepted wisdom that you’re tripping over right now.

It’s also one of those times where it’s important to recognize that people talk in generalities — generalities that may also include you on a superficial level. And while I know “a hit dog hollers” and all, it’s important to recognize that if people aren’t describing something you’re doing, they’re not talking about you, even though it sounds like it. In this case, the people saying that doing X JUST to meet women is bad aren’t necessarily talking about you; they’re talking about specific behaviors from folks that can be annoyingly common.

So, here’s what’s going on. One of the reasons why dating and meeting people can be a trial is because some folks’ s--tty behavior f--ks things up for everyone else. Like I said earlier, for a lot of women, the act of merely existing in public is seen as an invitation for men to hit on them. A lot of men see a woman’s presence at anything as a sign that she exists for their consumption. This is one of the reasons why, for example, a lot of folks will treat a woman cosplaying a character with a skimpy or sexy costume as an invitation to be crude or gropey; they see this as something being done for them, not a woman expressing her love for the character and interacting with her fandom in a way she enjoys. The same goes with women who may join a TTRPG campaign or who becomes a regular at their local comic shop — there’re folks who treat her as a potential date, not a fellow player or comic fan.

That dynamic is also why so-called “day game” — approaching women going about their business during the day — tends to be seen as intrusive and obnoxious; most of the time the women walking down the street, waiting for the bus or otherwise doing their own thing aren’t in the mood for being hit on by guys who think that her mere presence is an invitation to talk.

This why people will tell you “don’t try X/ go to Y/ join Z JUST to meet women”. This can happen in many different spaces, whether dance classes, fandom groups, amateur sports leagues… you name it. To give an example, let’s say that there’s a MeetUp group for… I dunno, since the latest campaign just ended, let’s say fans of Critical Role. People who are members of this group come to talk D&D and other RPG systems, share fan art, talk about their favorite episodes, geek out over news about the upcoming animated series and so-on. A guy who rolls in and starts cruising the event like a horny shark — someone who’s there specifically because he’s looking to meet nerdy women — is being disruptive to everyone else. He’s not there because he wants to show off his Fjord cosplay or make bets about the Vox Machina/Mighty Nein showdown, he’s there just to hit on people. Bouncing around the room trying to flirt with people interrupts their enjoyment and frequently makes folks uncomfortable. His actions are making it clear that he sees other people as props an NPCs in his personal quest to get laid. That feeling is dehumanizing at best. New people who happen to come on the same day he does are more likely to be squicked out and leave, never to return. His continued presence means that people — mostly women, but men and non-binary pals too — are likely to quit going because that’s not why they’re there. So he’s making people uncomfortable, potentially chasing away new members and driving off regulars and damaging the event itself.

Needless to say, the regulars hate this, the newbies dislike it and it just contributes to the sort of culture that makes it harder for folks who are looking to meet, mingle, date and hook up. And, in the name of enlightened self-interest… it’s also shockingly inefficient. The ratio of effort-to-return is completely out of whack.

(The obvious exception are events or groups that are specifically created with meeting/dating in mind. These, however, tend to be very clearly labeled, usually as “for singles”.)

This is why I — and others — will say “don’t go to/join X JUST to meet women”. It works against everyone — both the folks who want to enjoy X and the folks who’re looking to date.

However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t meet, flirt with or date awesome women at these events or in these groups. Relationships can and do start in groups like this.But the key to threading that particular needle is not to go to meet women or date, it’s to meet people. You want to go because you enjoy or are interested in the activity and meet like-minded folks and expand your social circle. By becoming a regular, getting to know folks and showing that you’re an awesome guy who’s worth getting to know, you make connections. You form friendships. You become someone who’s part of the community. As you get to know people, you might well meet someone who’s your particular flavor of awesome. If the two of you happen to spark while talking, there’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you. Would you like to get coffee after this?” and move from there if she says yes. The difference between this and going just to meet women is that you’re there specifically for the activity and connection/attraction grew organically, instead of someone showing up and disrupting the whole thing in the name of “but how does this benefit my penis?”

If that doesn’t sound like you… well, that’s not you they’re talking about. Now personally, I think you’d be happier going out and trying new things just because new experiences are awesome and potentially life-changing. But hey, you’ve got to do your thing; if you’re cool with the status quo of your daily activities, then more power to you. If you’re happy, then keep on keeping on and it’s all good. But if you’re telling people your only motivation for going out and trying new things is just to meet women, they’re likely to assume you’re more like the douchebags who ruin it for everyone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com