DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a cis woman who has been happily married to a kind, gentle, cis man for 3 years. The only area where we are mismatched is our libidos — mine is very high and his is not. But we’ve made it work and for the most part and sex has been enjoyable, if a little dull.

Over the past couple of years, I have developed a serious interest in “rough sex.” Without going into too much detail, there are several things I would like to try that sound very enticing to me.

During our last sexual encounter, I talked to my husband about this beforehand and asked him if he would incorporate a few of these things to try them out — like biting me and slapping different parts of my body. He agreed, and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. It did not hurt me, and I found everything incredibly enjoyable.

The next day, I was talking with my husband about this to see how he felt and if he liked it. He said it was alright, but he’d prefer to just have “boring sex” (his words) from now on. I was disappointed, but didn’t know what to say.

The rougher sexual encounter has made me hungry for more. I want to do it again. But, I know it made my husband uncomfortable so I won’t force him to do anything. I can’t stop running scenarios around in my mind of things I really want to try, none of which I can do because I know my husband won’t be up for it.

Why can’t I just let this go and be satisfied with what I do have? Is there something pathologically wrong with me?

Counting The Bruises

DEAR COUNTING THE BRUISES: So let’s get this out of the way right off the top: nothing’s wrong with you. You like rough sex; that doesn’t “mean” anything other than hey, you like rough sex. This isn’t revelatory of some deeper truth, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you’re acting out some sort of abuse that was inflicted on you.

As far as kinks and interests go, this isn’t all that unusual. A lot of people fantasize about or actively enjoy rough sex; a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people reported engaging in and enjoyed includes choking, spanking, hair pulling, spanking, biting, being pinned down and being tied up. And just to be clear: this was referring to consensual sex, where the rough play was agreed to by both partners, rather than the desire or attempt to actually harm someone.

What’s interesting is that, considering how common it seems to be, how stigmatizing people find it. And a lot of that comes down to the fact that we live in a culture that’s still incredibly sex negative.

It seems weird in a post-50-Shades-of-Gray world, where more and more people are open about the non-standard-issue sex they enjoy, but there’s still a persistent myth that “good people have ‘good’ sex”; non-traditional sex practices are still seen as being unusual, taboo or a sign of deviancy. People, even people who see themselves as being sex-positive and open-minded will often equate enjoyment of rough sex as being suspicious at best. Some see it as being indicative of hating or wanting to degrade women, some see it as a sign of an overall violent nature or that it’s the mark of  someone who’s compensating for trauma in their lives. Lots of people will point to aggressive and rough porn — especially porn that may involve slapping, choking and the like — and insist that this is inherently bad and that the popularity of rough sex in porn is a troubling sign of… something.

All of this often comes as a surprise to the folks who enjoy having rough sex with their partners. And most of them came to it the same way you did, CTB: they had fantasies they wanted to explore or they were curious and interested in trying something new and asked their partners to indulge them. And, it seems that most of the folks who gave it a shot really liked it. According to Archives of Sexual Behavior, of the participants who tried rough sex with their partner, only 1.3% said they didn’t like it at all. 14% liked it “a little”, 46% liked it “somewhat” and 39% liked it “very much”.

This isn’t that surprising. The physicality and intensity of various forms of rough sex are literally exciting — it gets the heart pumping harder and the nervous system firing faster what we might consider to be “romantic” sex, and that excitement transfers to the intensity of the experience and increases arousal. The sex tends to be more vigorous, both partners are more engaged and participatory and — importantly — it tends to be a new and novel experience. In fact, a lot of people who report trying and enjoying rough sex mention that they tried it as a way to shake up their sex lives and get out of the routines they’d fallen into. Humans are a novelty-seeking species after all, and changing up our sexual repertoire is a key part of keeping the spark alive and the passion high in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Of course, I don’t need to explain this to you, CTB. You already know this; you had the best sex you’d had in years after your husband agreed to get rough with you. It’s hardly a surprise that when you’ve had some bed shaking banging that shook the pillars of heaven, you want more. Why wouldn’t you? That doesn’t mean that anything’s wrong with you, it just means you had really awesome sex and you’d like more please.

The complication, such as it is, comes in the fact that you loved it and your husband wasn’t that into it. That can be a problem, but it doesn’t have to be. It all comes down to you and your husband having an Awkward Conversation about sex and sexual satisfaction. You and your hubby should set aside time for the two of you to sit down and talk about this, at a time when you know you won’t be interrupted. You want to preface this with the fact that while your sex lives have been enjoyable, you’ve found that you need a little more variety than what you’ve been doing. Explain that the time you and he switched things up was incredible; let him know how much it excited you and how it made you feel and why. Did it make you feel more desired? Did it feel more intense and passionate than normal or more engaged and in tune with one another? Then tell him that. Make it clear that it was the rough sex with him that got your motor running, why this would make things even better between the two of you and how you might see this work. Then give him time to share his side of things. Was this something he just wasn’t into, or was it something he actively disliked? Did this scare him or make him feel like he’d done something “wrong”?

After he’s shared his side of things — and presuming that this wasn’t a hard “no” for him — see if you and he can work out a compromise. This is something you clearly enjoy and crave more of; is this something he can do for you on occasion, purely because you enjoy it? Doing things for your partner in bed specifically for them, even if it’s not your thing, is an important part of maintaining a strong relationship. Studies in The Journal of Sex Research have found that sexual transformations — that is, making changes for the benefit of one’s partner — improve the quality of relationships. It makes one’s partner feel heard, valued and appreciated; their partner is going out of their way to do things that make them happy, just because it makes them happy. That’s a pretty important factor in relationship satisfaction after all. Feeling neglected or like your needs are ignored, unimportant or (worse) shameful, on the other hand, negatively impacts the quality and longevity of a relationship.

Now, this can be a difficult conversation to have; it’s called an Awkward Conversation for a reason after all. It may help to have a third party guide and facilitate the conversation. Finding a sex-positive relationship counselor may make it easier for the two of you two talk things out and find an accomodation that works for the both of you. If you don’t know where to start looking, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory that can help you find a counselor in your area. But what you shouldn’t do is just assume that this is forever off the table for you — not without at least talking things out with your husband first. Don’t make assumptions; talk to him and find out where he stands. If you can draw out his feelings on this and help him understand your side of things, you might be surprised. It may not be every time the two of you bang, but you may well be able to work an arrangement that will mean getting some prime black and blue marks on occasion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is gonna be a long one so I apologize in advance for that. I’ve been having some strong resentful feelings for my ex and I can’t seem to get over him. Let me explain.

At the start of last year I (a gay man) started seeing a guy who I had a huge crush on for the longest time. I should also mention this is was the first guy friend I’ve ever had a crush on and the first guy I’ve dated. Originally he didn’t feel the same way about me. He actually had a crush on someone else at the time. This didn’t stop him from sleeping with me however at a party and after a few weeks of being patient he did tell me he was starting to have feelings for me as well and eventually we started dating. We went out for a few months then he broke up with me, stating he had mental problems and couldn’t handle a relationship at that time. Me caring about his well being was understanding and told him as soon as he’s better we could try again. Only I found out later that was a lie, he was just spoon feeding me some bulls--t so he could go out with the guy he originally had a crush on. I was pretty devastated for a while after learning that. I felt betrayed and used. It seemed like I was only a placeholder until this other guy became available.

Anyway, after a few months I met someone else. We hit it off right away, started going out, and almost a year later we’re still together. I can honestly say that my relationship with my current bf is the best I’ve ever had. We connect on so many levels, we share a lot of the same interests and we love each other deeply.

So all in all things worked out for me in the end but here’s my issue. My ex, who I’ve blocked and unfriended on every social media site I can imagine is still part of the same friend circles me and my boyfriend are in, so no matter how hard I try, from time to time he still pops up in my periphery. And every time he does I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger and resentment. Before he and I even went out, I’d like to think we were pretty close friends and the way he led me on for a few months only to discard me as soon as it was convenient for him, like I was tissue paper just destroyed all that good will between us.

I know these feelings are unhealthy and that I’m better off with my current boyfriend, but I don’t know if deep down there’s part of me that still cares about him and that’s why I feel this way. I don’t want it to impact what I have now because like I said, we’re all in the same friend groups. Now that things are starting to open up again it’s inevitable that I’ll be running into my ex at some meetup and I don’t know how I’m going to react.

I’ve often thought about sending him a message and just laying it all out there to him and try to bury the hatchet so to speak, but I’ve had some friends tell me that’s a bad idea, that he can just claim no wrongdoing and turn it back around on me and make me feel even worse.

Sorry this was so long. I wanted to provide as much context as possible. I’d be forever grateful for any advice you can provide.

Thanks!

Still Resentful For Some Reason

DEAR STILL RESENTFUL FOR SOME REASON: On the surface, it’s pretty simple, SRSR: you’re still angry with him because you feel used. You were dating somebody in good faith and you had that faith betrayed. You believed that his feelings for you were legitimate, until he gave you a line, dumped you and started dating this other guy. You don’t say how long it was between your being dumped and his taking up with someone else, but it was obviously close enough to when he ended things with you that you feel like you were a placeholder. That is entirely and completely understandable. It’s a really, really s--tty feeling.

That being said, I wonder if there’s a part of you that’s angry at yourself too. To be clear: I don’t mean that you’re to blame, but that you’re blaming yourself for being taken in. Is it possible that there’s some part of you that feels like you should’ve seen this coming, some red flag that, in retrospect that you either missed or ignored and shouldn’t have?

Let’s get this part out of the way right off the top: if it is the case that there’s a part of you that feels like you should’ve been smarter, been more observant or that your Spidey-sense failed you when it shouldn’t have… well, then you should forgive yourself for that. This is very much a case of loving not wisely but too well, and that’s not something to be ashamed of.

Here’s the thing: It’s very easy to look back and say “how did I miss this??” or “How could I have been so stupid?” There’s a reason why hindsight is 20/20. The truth is that  you didn’t miss it. You weren’t stupid. You were going into a relationship under the (reasonable!) assumption that he was being honest with you when he said he was having feelings for you. You’re backfilling information and context that you didn’t have at the time and honestly couldn’t have had. You were making the best choices you could with the information you had at the time.

I know there are folks who will say “well, he was willing to bang you while he had a crush on someone else,” and call that proof that you should’ve known better. I completely disagree with that. That’s Monday morning quarterbacking with the benefit of already knowing how it turned out. It’s far easier to sit in judgement when you weren’t in that moment. People are complicated, feelings are more complicated and it’s possible to have complex feelings for one person and to date other folks in good faith. Sometimes the way you get over an unrequited crush is to put yourself out there and remind yourself that they aren’t the only guy out there. And many times, that crush fades as you realize that you’ve got something better than a dude who doesn’t like you back the way you wish they did.

So no, I don’t think you should’ve “known better.” I think you did what we all aspire to do when we date: you went into a relationship assuming good intentions and honesty from somebody you were dating. Unfortunately… you happened to date someone who, it seems, was willing to do the whole “love the one you’re with” thing while waiting for the window of opportunity to open.]

With that out of the way, let’s address the other reason I think you’re still upset: you want closure. It would be one thing if this guy was completely out of your life and you could just drop him into the trash can of your dating history. But LGBTQ circles tend to be fairly small and overlapping and the odds of seeing your ex (or exes) at events or get-togethers is high. So now instead of being able to just let things fade or imagining he’s miserable… you see him and the universe has failed to do its karmic duty and dump a bucket of horse s--t on him. You (understandably, reasonably) feel wronged by him and he doesn’t seem to be paying a price for it. That’s frustrating! We like to think that the people who do us wrong will get their just comeuppance and… well, the universe doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately, some people do s--tty things and never deal with meaningful repercussions, and that leaves us to just have to continue with our lives knowing that those sins won’t be punished on our behalf.

This is why I ask: just between you, me and everyone reading this… what would you hope to get out of sending him a message and laying it all out? I suspect — because God knows I’ve been there myself — that there’s a part of you that hopes that he’d see that he was The Bad Guy in this. That he’d have a moment of stunning self-awareness or that his conscience would prick him and he would realize that He Done You Wrong and would beg your forgiveness and you would finally feel vindicated. Unfortunately, I am here from the future — again, been there, done that — to tell you: that’s probably not gonna happen. Down the line, maybe, when and if he’s grown, matured and has the perspective to realize that what he did was s--tty. But now? I can all but guarantee you that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong or simply won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing on his part. It may not even be out of maliciousness; it may well just be a lack of self-awareness. But that lack of acknowledgement runs the risk of making you feel worse. And if he’s the sort to try to judo-flip s--t onto you… well, do you really want to open yourself up to that sort of unnecessary pain?

Here is a truth: you will never get closure from him. Closure is a gift you give yourself. It’s about accepting what happened, understanding things as best you can and making your peace with it. Part of making that peace is recognizing that you only have control over your side of things — in your interpretation of events, in your understanding and in how you decide to let go and move forward. You can’t make someone else see things your way or agree with your view, and trying to do so is often an exercise in futility. Sometimes you and your ex can talk things out and it can be a great, constructive and cathartic conversation. But not always, and not with every ex. So it’s more important to focus on what you can control, and that’s yourself.

Here’s what I suggest: write out that message you were thinking of sending. In fact, I suggest that you write it out by hand. First, this engages different parts of your brain than typing. There’s something visceral about putting pen to paper that even the clickiest mechanical keyboard can’t replicate. Even printing out what you wrote doesn’t match the feeling of looking over something you’ve written by hand.  Second — and just as importantly — you’re going to take that physical letter and set that s--t on fire. A (controlled, safe) fire can be an incredibly cathartic experience; watching the things that represent your complex and ugly feelings burn to ash can feel purifying. You can make this as elaborate a ritual as you want. I know some folks who like to get a small candle, scratch the name of their ex on it and let it melt away. I know some who will print out a photo of their ex and write all their emotions and feelings over it before applying the match. But regardless of how elaborate you make it, taking those feelings and those resentments and desires for vindication, writing them all out and then burning them away will bring you satisfaction and a sense of closure.

Maybe in the future you and your ex can talk things out and he’ll be in a place where he can admit he f--ked you over. Hell, as long as we’re imagining, we can even imagine him apologizing and asking your forgiveness. But that’s not today, and that’s not going to help you now. So give yourself that closure. And, as you do so: forgive yourself for caring for someone who wasn’t worthy of your affection. Then offer a little gratitude for how this s--tty situation has lead you to a much better guy and a much better relationship.

You’ll feel better. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Only found your site today and rather than mulling over contacting advice columns as I have in the past I thought I’d just jump in and give it a try.

I have been reading through a few of your articles, and find myself relating a lot to the issues present. Bit of background: I’m a 34 year old male virgin in the UK. I’m not particularly handsome, although when not on depressive cycle I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was particularly ugly, and I am an endomorph, so fall on the overweight side of the scale no matter how much I try and watch my intake. I also fall into the category of not feeling like I have much in the way of outward skills, I like a lot of the standard geek/nerd stuff, got into video games thanks to primary school bullying, and anime thanks to Shonen Jump’s links through Toonami.

I don’t necessarily have an issue talking to people, although large groups of strangers do give me some anxiety, and have friends both male and female, yet can’t seem to find anyone who wants to see me as more than a friend.

I’ve been on numerous dating apps, as well as a few specifically designed for hookups, but get very few notifications that I’ve been liked and even fewer that end up with matches (I don’t just swipe right on everyone) and on nights out I feel like people just look through me or past me rather than anyone trying to get me to notice them. As you can probably guess self confidence is a major inhibitor to me approaching someone and making the first move, especially if trying not to come across as creepy.

I spent 10 years in a long term but ultimately loveless relationship with no physical intimacy whatsoever thanks to the other party not being honest about their asexuality until much later in the relationship, and my not wanting to be alone again preventing me from moving on much earlier. We’ve had an amicable break but I still find myself wondering if I will ever find someone at my age who likes me for me and wants a relationship and family.

Everything I’ve come across on getting back out there seems to come down to being ultimately anyone but me. I’m not particularly ambitious or confident, I’m trying to get more physically active post lockdown, but again, more as a means to see if it helps romantically than because it’s something I actively want to do as that seems to be the advice everywhere.

I don’t believe I dress down, but am limited on what I can afford, and always make an extra effort if I’m going out but nothing seems to work. Because I had, when younger, looked to be more settled at this time of life, I see myself as a failure at life and it does affect my mental health at times.

What’s worse is I’ve had female friends both past and present give the usual well intentioned lines such as ‘You’ll make someone very happy someday’ or ‘Why can’t I find someone like you’…you did, it was me. As such I genuinely feel worthless most of the time and if it’s not the other person’s fault (because there be incels) then it must be something wrong with me.

I can’t say I’m expecting much from this, as I’ve spoken to friends about this multiple times without any change, but maybe writing it down will act as some form of catharsis and, as someone with more of a professional than personal view, maybe you can shed some light where others have failed.

Thanks for reading at least

Getting Out There

DEAR GETTING OUT THERE: Not to point out the obvious, GOT, but I think you’d be better off talking to a mental health professional, not a loudmouth with an advice column. You lead off with a line about “when you’re not on a depressive cycle,” and mention that you spent ten years in a loveless relationship that quite clearly has done a number on you and your self-esteem. That’s not something to just wave off like it’s unimportant; you spent a decade in a relationship that left you feeling unwanted and unloved. That’s going to affect… well, damn near everything, really. That’s also not really the sort of thing you just “get over” because enough time went by or because you willed yourself out of it. This is the sort of thing that you should talk to a counselor or therapist about and — as I’m always saying — Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor.

So my suggestion for a first step would be to make an appointment with a counselor who can help you unpack your (real, valid and understandable) feelings about your relationship and and your history — the bullying, the isolation, the fear of being alone, all of it. That’s going to go a lot further towards helping you in the long run. If you have a chronic depression or other mental health issues, they can help you with that as well; they may well feel that you would benefit from antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication. There’s absolutely no shame with asking for help or getting medication that will help you get your head right. That’s not a sign of weakness or not being man enough, it’s a sign that you’re strong enough and brave enough to know you can’t do this on your own and you’ve got the courage to reach out to others.

One thing I can say with some certainty is that you’ve got a bad case of jerk-brain, taking the worst possible interpretation out of what others have said. When someone says “Why can’t I find someone like you,” that’s not an indication that there’s something wrong with you; they’re explicitly saying that you have qualities that they like and admire and would love to have in a partner. They may not love you the way you might wish they did, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care for you, nor does it mean that there’s something wrong with you. It just means that they don’t have sexual or romantic feelings for you. That’s not because of some deficiency or judgement against you, it just means they don’t feel that particular way. Think of the women you see every day — your friends, your co-workers, the folks who give you your morning brew on the way to work — that you aren’t attracted to. You don’t think they’re horrible or deficient, am I right? In fact, I’m willing to say that there’re many women in your life who you think are awesome… but you aren’t attracted to them. That doesn’t mean they’re awful or unloveable or undesirable; you’re just not into them and that’s ok.

That jerk-brain is affecting other aspects of your life as well. The fact that you’re not married or settled down at your age doesn’t make you a failure. Things didn’t work out the way you hoped they would; that’s always a shame, but it’s a world of difference from being a failure. Failing at something doesn’t mean you are a failure, it just means that you didn’t succeed. There’s a world of difference, and it’s an important one. I didn’t succeed as a comic artist; that doesn’t mean I’m a failure, it just means I attempted something that didn’t work out and I learned from it. The same goes for you. Yeah, things aren’t where you would like them to be, but you’re in a position to make changes and do things differently. You can attack your goals from a different angle, you will realize that maybe what you wanted isn’t what you need or that now that you’re older and wiser, you have a better idea of what you do want.

But the important thing to remember is that your past choices don’t define you. You made the best choices you could with the information you had at the time; now you know differently and you can make different choices.

In the meantime, I think something that will help — besides talking to a counselor or therapist — would be to focus less on dating and more on doing things purely for yourself. The things that make you attractive or “dateable” are holistic parts of your life, not separate pieces. The things that make your life better over all are what help the most when it comes to finding relationships. Rather than focusing on being more physically active because it might make you more attractive for example, focus on being more physically active because it makes you feel better. Our bodies were designed to move; the more physical activity you engage in, the healthier and happier you will be overall. Even just going on regular walks can make a massive difference in your health and your emotional outlook. It might help to take on a challenge like the Couch-to-5k program or one of the many virtual races out there — having a goal to work towards will help keep you motivated, and achieving it will boost your confidence as well as your health.

The same goes for how you dress; focus less on trying to impress and more on finding your style and dressing in a way that makes you feel like a sexy bad-ass. This doesn’t need to cost a lot of money; you can put a sharp wardrobe together through thrift stores and some tailoring. When it comes to clothes, fit is king, followed by quality, and then by price. Keeping things simple with an investment piece or two goes a lot further than a closet full of expensive stuff that doesn’t fit right or that you don’t like wearing. The more you do the things that make you feel good and accomplished, the more it boosts your overall confidence and the quality of your life. That, in turn, makes it much easier to meet people — people who would be thrilled to meet a guy like you. By putting the emphasis on feeling good and having a life that you enjoy, you make it that much easier to find people who would love to share it with you. But by letting your focus be the love of your life, you don’t demoralize yourself by making your happiness dependent on others. You are teaching yourself that you deserve happiness, that you deserve good things and — importantly, you’re capable of going out and making those good things happen.

But again: these are in addition to talking to someone, not instead of. You sound like you’re carrying a lot of pain around, GOT, and it’s time for you to put that burden down. Find a counselor and start to unpack those complex and understandable feelings; you’ll be much happier in the long run.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com