DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m a 34 year old lesbian in a somewhat unusual situation. I’ve been happily married to my wife for the last five years; however, she’s asexual. Fortunately, we’re poly, and so she’s encouraged me to find sexual fulfillment outside of our relationship. Unfortunately, it turns out this is much easier said than done.

In the past few months, I have swiped through every profile in my area on no less than three major dating apps (Tinder, OKC, and HER, if you’re wondering) with no luck. I don’t frequently get matches, and on the occasion that someone does match with me, the conversation goes dead pretty quickly, no matter how hard I try. I should also note that I live in one of the top five most populous cities in the US, so it’s not for having a small dating pool! At this point, I’m more perplexed about why this might be happening, and if there’s anything to do be done about it.

In my opinion, I’m pretty average looking, but I make up for it by doing my best to be really interesting (professionally, I’m a researcher trying to figure out better ways of detecting life on other planets, and in my spare time I’m a burlesque dancer, singer and a professionally published science fiction author). I’m trans, but I don’t explicitly reveal that on my dating profiles (my theory being you should at least take me on a first date before being privy to that information; plus, in any case, I’m post-op anyway).

Is my situation just that convoluted that most queer women aren’t going to be interested? Am I more visibly trans than I realized, and that’s what’s turning people off? Do I need to lower my standards even lower? Or is this the sort of thing that sapphic women on dating apps just kind of experience in general, and it has nothing to do with me personally?

Any and all advice is appreciated!

Thanks!

Just Trying To Get Action

DEAR JUST TRYING TO GET ACTION: This is one of those questions where there just aren’t any good answers. Not because you’re particularly f--ked, JTTA, but because… well, ultimately this would require my being able to read the minds of literally everyone who’s seen your profile. Which means that, unfortunately, what I can offer you is advice on how to start trying to diagnose your problem, rather than being able to provide you with an answer.

Now my standard disclaimer for situations like yours is that I’m a cis-gendered, heterosexual man; there are likely angles or nuances to your situation that I am likely to miss or not even realize are there in the first place. So not only do I recommend taking my advice with suitable amounts of salt, but I invite my female readers who sleep with women to share their advice or suggestions, especially those who’ve dealt with similar issues.

So with that in mind, let’s roll it from the top.

The first thing I always, always recommend to folks who struggle with dating apps is to make sure you’re on the right apps. Every app has a different vibe and caters to a different audience. OKCupid, once the scrappy young upstart, is the 500 lb gorilla; it’s worth being on there because pretty much everyone is on there, and it caters to the widest audience. Because OKC goes out of its way to provide options for folks who are LGBTQ, folks who are polyamorous, and so on, it’s got something of an anything-goes vibe to it. Tinder, on the other hand, has never fully escaped its hook-up app origins; that plus it’s swipe mechanics tend to prioritize photos over everything else, which means that you tend to get more folks who will never look past your photos. Bumble and Hinge tend to be lower key and more tuned towards folks who are looking for something a bit more committed and Plenty of Fish… exists.

One of the things that may be useful to you, specifically JTTGL, is to look towards apps that specifically cater not just to women who love women but to apps that cater to folks in open and polyamorous relationships. Ones like Feeld and #Open — both of which focus on non-monogamous relationships — may have a user base that’s more conducive to what you’re looking for.

The next thing I suggest is to make sure that your photos are on point. As frustrating as it can be, photos will tank interest in your profile before they can learn how awesome you are. And you’ve got a lot of awesomeness to share! However, especially as more and more apps move to the swipe-based mechanics that Tinder popularized, people tend to make a lot of gut reactions based off that first photo or couple of photos, before moving on to read the profile. That means you want to make sure that your first couple photos are ready to catch people’s attention and draw them in. This means you want to make sure that the first couple pictures of you are your best photos and — importantly — just you. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve seen group shots as the first photo on a profile, or even the first couple photos. Trust me, nobody wants to play “Where’s Waldo” or “Spot The Difference” to try to figure out whose profile they’re looking at.

Now, you mention you’re average looking and you make up for it by being interesting. While that’s an excellent philosophy and one I recommend — being fun and interesting is more attractive in the long run than just looks after all — that doesn’t work as well off the bat on dating apps. That may mean that your photos aren’t the best; a lot of folks I know across the gender and sexuality spectrum tend to fall into this. As a result, folks never find out how awesome they are because they didn’t present their best self in their pics.

That having being said, don’t write off your looks, especially in your pictures. One of the things people continually under estimate is how much lighting, angle, makeup and even the choice of lens can affect how you look in photos.

I would recommend taking new pictures specifically for your profile, where you would be done up as you would be for a date: so an outfit you would conceivably wear on that first date, makeup (if you wear it) and grooming like you’re about to meet your dream date, etc. There are a number of photographers out there who specialize in photos for apps — both portraits but also “candids” that help show you at your most charismatic and interesting. That might well be something worth pursuing. If you aren’t in a position to try that, you can try doing some photos on your own. If you go that route, I would recommend that for your first couple pics, you want to make sure that you have a low f-stop so that you get that nifty shallow depth of field that will help you pop. If you’re going to go the selfie route — or your partner is going to help you out, then consider the lighting; a ring light is helpful here, but you can still get great results just from facing a window that gets plenty of sun. This will help give you nice, even, lighting that will show you off to best effect. Beware overhead lighting and especially overhead fluorescent lighting; that s--t will bring out every single pore, blemish, and shadow possible and will make even Ryan Gosling or Lupita Nyong’o look like a bridge troll.

The third thing I would suggest is have a friend whose judgement and taste you trust go over your profile. Sometimes part of the problem is that things you think work may, in fact, be turning people off. Part of the problem, of course, is that this can be so personal to everyone that it’s really difficult to pin down. However, one way you can address this is to do a little A/B testing; have your profile written one way for a month or two, then try it again another way and see what results you get. One of the benefits to this approach is that it keeps you active on the app, which gives you a bit of an algorithmic boost; the apps want people who are active on their service and so fine-tuning your profile helps make sure more people see it.

The fourth thing I tell people is that the goal of messaging someone on an app is ultimately to get off the app. That doesn’t mean to push for meeting up in person ASAP (though I recommend this); it means moving the conversation off the app and either to a messenger app like WhatsApp or to texting. The longer you’re messaging over the app, the greater the odds that the conversation is going to die off. Not only does staying on the app increase the likelihood that your message may get lost in the churn of other folks messaging your matches, but moving off the app implies a greater level of interest. It’s a small thing, but a significant one. It doesn’t magically change people’s minds and make them decide that they want to date you, but it does mean that you’re much more interested in meeting up.

If your conversations are dying on the vine fairly quickly, then the odds are that either you’re not having great conversations, or there’s something you’re saying that’s pushing people off. One thing I see fairly often with folks who struggle with messaging folks on dating apps is that the conversation is… fairly dry. “hey, what’re you up to?” “NM, u” and so on. I recommend not just asking questions, but interesting questions, ones that lead to interesting conversations. I’m always a fan of asking about stuff that people have positive associations with — vacations, bookshelves,  childhood ambitions — that also get to the heart of who people are. You can also have generalized fun with some of them. “If we were to rob a museum, what would you go for first?” These can also lead to some low-key flirting if you play your cards right.

Now I do recommend meeting in person sooner rather than later — again, this helps keep the momentum going. My personal choice would be to propose a pre-date date — a 15 minute meet-up for coffee or ice cream or something at a venue of their choice, to gauge whether you have chemistry in person as well as online. This has the benefit of being a relatively lift; it’s a low investment of time with a hard cut-off. If things go well, then great! If not… well, you’re out 15 minutes and the price of a cup of coffee or a cone. And also you have coffee or ice cream. Win/win.

With the more broadly applicable stuff out of the way, let’s talk about a few things that are more specific to you and how this may be affecting things. Part of the issue could well be that you have a more restrictive dating pool. As a woman who dates other women, you’re in a smaller general pool than straight or bi/pan women. That is likewise further filtered by the fact that you’re in a non-monogamous relationship. That’s going to cut down on the number of potentials out there. There’re a lot of folks across the sexuality spectrum for whom that’s just going to be a no-go — either because they don’t do non-monogamy themselves, or because they aren’t interested in starting an ethically non-monogamous relationship with someone who’s already partnered — especially if they already have a primary/nesting-partner/spouse.

(Yes, I realize that seems absurd, but it’s a thing; there are lots of ethically non-monogamous folks who refuse to date people who are married, for a multitude of reasons.)

In and of itself, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing; you don’t want to date folks who aren’t cool with your relationship and relationship style. It just means that, unless you’re willing to fake being single (… and please don’t), you’re going to have a smaller pool of potentials, which is going to slow down the process. This is why checking out Open or Feeld may help.

With that in mind, one thing that jumped out at me is the dichotomy between how you label your relationship (poly) vs. your sign-off. You mention you’re just looking to get laid; if you’re listing or describing yourself as polyamorous, that might be an issue. While the terms poly or polyamorous and open are often used interchangeably, for a lot of folks there’s a pretty significant difference, especially if they’re already in the ENM community. Polyamorous would imply that you’re open to a potentially romantic or committed relationship, while open tends to imply that you’re more interested in a sexual connection, rather than a romantic one. If your profile suggests one but your messaging suggests the other, that disconnect could be what turns folks off. Similarly, if you say you’re poly but you’re mostly just looking for sex, then people who see your profile may think you’re looking for something you’re not; as a result, you may be missing folks who are interested in what you have to offer, but think that you’re not looking for them.

As for whether or not people are swiping left because you may or may not be as femme-presenting as some would prefer… that, unfortunately, is one of those situations where s--t’s mixed. On the one hand, the last thing you want is to be dating someone who is going to have issues with your being trans — and there’re a lot of s--tty folks right now who are actively TERFs or transphobic. Their swiping left is a gift to you; they aren’t inflicting their s--ttiness on you and you aren’t wasting the gift of your awesomeness on them. On the other… it still hurts. And, again, figuring that part would necessitate being able to read their minds. It’s easy to make assumptions about why folks are passing on you — especially if those assumptions tie into worries or insecurities you may already have — but the truth is that most of the time there’s no way to know. I’m of a mind that you should take the pictures that make you feel like you’re ten pounds of sexy goodness in a five pound sack, and worry less about how other folks see it. But again: cis hetero dude here, which means I don’t have your experiences nor do I face the same risks, so all the necessary salt with said advice.

There’s also what I tell everyone: use dating apps as a supplement to how you meet people, not the only way. Even in the 21st century, we still mostly meet our partners — sexual or romantic — in person, and usually through mutual interests or friends. One of the drawbacks to apps is that they rarely leave room for serendipity; we often meet people who we might not vibe with if we saw them on Tinder, but who we REALLY dig in the flesh. And while I know that a lot of — possibly even most — LGBTQ dating starts on the apps (especially as lesbian bars disappear), there’s still a lot to be said for the in-person meet-cute. Especially if you’re having a hard time connecting via text.

The last thing I would say is that dating is and always will be a numbers game; there will be more people you don’t match with than ones you do. That’s not a flaw in you — or anyone else; that’s just about compatibility and meshing properly with folks. While it can be frustrating, especially if you’re not getting results that you want, it’s important to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Taking it personally, especially when so often it isn’t personal, gets demoralizing fast. But take some time polishing your pics and fine tuning your profile and you’ll not only cut the frustration factor immensely, but you’ll make it that much easier to find your sexy match… and to help them find you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been talking to this girl I met online for almost a year now, let’s call her W.  I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship in the first place, since we can’t go out and meet people in person, I just wanted to talk with new people during this pandemic. I swiped her right and we start chatting, times passed by and it’s been almost a year since we started we messaging one another. We shared the pictures of what we eat, she recommended some shows she watched and we talked about almost everything except some personal stuffs (coz she’s quite private about her life and I didn’t wanna ask too much)

I’ve enjoyed the conversation with her and we texted each other almost every day, I thought “wow this is rare, it’s been awhile since the last time I actually feel comfortable with someone that I can actively chat with them and not get bored.” Then things changed when my ex texted me and asked if we can get back together. The weird thing is, instead of thinking about my ex and our history, the first thing that popped into my mind was W. Admittedly, I felt weird cause at that time I still saw her as an online friend, nothing more,  but  “thanks” to my ex, then I realized that I actually felt something for W and she’s actually more than a friend to me.

Fast forward to last month, she told me that she’s feeling unwell for a week and I was worried that she may have caught COVID. In fact, I was so worried that she might be seriously ill that I ended up confessing to her. She kindly turned me down and said that she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, that she finds me interesting but nothing more and she hopes that she doesn’t hurt me that way. After the day I confessed to her, we still talk a bit about some casual things but then the conversation ended on my end. I didn’t reply cause you know, I don’t wanna force the conversation when there really is no new topic to talk about. It’s been almost 2 weeks that we haven’t chatted, there are times that I wanna text her but I know that it ain’t right, cause I still have feelings for her. But on the other hand I don’t wanna lose her as a friend.

Do you think that by not reaching out to her is the right thing to do? ‘Cause, personally I know that this might not end well if I still talk to her while I still have lingering feelings, and I too am afraid that things might be awkward now cause we haven’t talked with each other for awhile now. I kinda guess that this might be the hard yet right decision but still I want a second opinion about it.

Thanks in advance,

Twice Shy

DEAR TWICE SHY: You’ve got a crush on W. It happens. You confessed your feelings and got the “let’s just be friends” speech. This also happens. The thing is: if you actually want to keep her as a friend? Then you have to act like a friend to her. Maintaining a friendship while also having complicated pantsfeels for them isn’t a violation of The Friend Code, TS. It’s just continuing to be their friend. After all, when you and W were chatting before you realized you were interested in her, it was hardly as though you were trying to Nice Guy your way into her pants. The same with when you realized that oh, hey, maybe your feelings for her are slightly more than platonic; I presume you and she weren’t behaving any differently than you had been before.

The only difference now is that you feel awkward about things and you’re letting that awkwardness get in the way of your friendship. But here’s the thing: what you’re doing right now is setting you on the path of losing that friendship. If you want to keep W in your life as a friend, then you’re gonna have to do what friends do when s--t gets a little awkward: you power through it. And the first step to killing the awkward is to acknowledge the awkwardness. Call it out, specifically: “Hey, I know we haven’t talked in a bit because, honestly, I was feeling a bit awkward about things after the whole ‘I like you’ thing. And look, I like our friendship, I want that to continue, so how about we agree that things may feel weird for a bit, but we’ll both resolve to just power through it and keep on with what we have? Cool? So check this out, I found this recipe for making bulgogi in an Instant Pot and…”

And from there, you act like you did before. Share meals, talk about TV shows and games; if things start to feel a little strained, just push through by continuing to behave as before. If need be, you can even have a little signal of “oh, ok, that got a bit on the awkward side” — I know friends who use a turtle emoji for such an occasion.

Also here’s the thing about crushes: they’re like fires. Quit feeding them and they go out on their own. While crushes can be inconvenient, part of how you defang them is to simply note and name those feelings. “Oh, yes, I’m feeling that inconvenient crush on W again. Good to know.” Noting and calling out the feeling to yourself — and again, noting it as “I am feeling”, not “I am” — acknowledges how you’re feeling without trying to do anything with it. Trying to force it away doesn’t work; it just makes seem more intense. Trying to ignore it doesn’t work either; that just makes you much more aware of it as you continuously try to distract yourself. Acknowledging it to yourself and then just moving on to other things means that you feel it, you recognize it’s there but you also don’t feed it. You’re simply letting it do its thing until it runs its course and burns out.

But again: this is all contingent on your wanting to maintain a friendship with her. If being friends with her is too much for you or it would be like sandpaper to your soul to have her in your life… well, nobody says you have to be friends with someone when being friends with them hurts. In that case, yes, cutting ties would be the best move; you have to do what’s right for you. But if you want to actually “just be friends” after getting the LJBF speech?

Then act like her friend, same as you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: TLDR: Should I continue pursuing a casual relationship with a friend, and, if not, how do I go about ending things in the healthiest way possible? I made a move on my friend/crush and it went well! Lately though I’ve been getting mixed messages and am unsure of how to proceed. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I don’t know that I can go back to being just friends if this doesn’t work out.

Okay here is the long, soapy version:

About three years ago I met a girl (Call her “C”) and we hit it off well. After 3-4 months of knowing one another, I started to get the feeling that C might be interested in me. She asked, in a very roundabout way, if I was single and when I said that I was, she got very excited. What had been brief, casual conversations turned into long, flirty ones. After two weeks of this, I decided to ask C out to dinner. She said yes, and we went out that same night. (We were more “friendly acquaintances” than “friends” at this point.)

Our dinner went GREAT. Seriously, I’ve had first dates in the past that went as well as this one, and those ended up leading to bigger, better things down the road. When I asked C out for a follow up date, however, she seemed shocked and told me she had a boyfriend!

I felt a bit dumb for having misread everything but it was mainly a “No harm, no foul” situation and that probably would’ve been the end of everything… BUT C’s interest in me seemed to increase. She started sending me flirty snapchats at work, commenting on my posts and texting me things at night like: “Hope you had a good day, can’t wait to see you!” When we did see each other, she would hang around for me to finish up (something I hadn’t asked her to do), so I could walk her to her car (something I hadn’t offered).

This extra attention went on for about a month or so, and then died off but by then I had a full blown crush. Now to be clear, I don’t think any of this was a sign that C wanted to fool around or that she was just teasing me for a cheap ego boost. Though, and this is important, I have always been confused as to whether this behavior was just an outgoing person being friendly in response to unexpected flattery, or if it was a sign of legitimate attraction that C felt strongly enough to respond to but not act on, since she was already in a happy relationship.

Since then, we’ve become friends and while I haven’t gone around announcing things with a bullhorn, I also haven’t tried hiding my crush either. In fact I’ve tried to take your advice about dealing with a crush. I acknowledge it when I feel it and have tried to use it as motivation to become a better more, well rounded person so that I COULD date someone that I like as much as C eventually. (That intent has led me to pick up new hobbies, try out new careers and address my depression and anxiety more fully. I’ve also dated other people but nothing ever panned out)

When the pandemic came along, C and I stopped seeing each other in person, and I though it might be best to put our friendship on the back burner. After awhile my crush started to fade, but then about 3 months in C reached out to say that she had been thinking about me, that she missed me and suggested we meet for coffee. I agreed, we had an enjoyable time and I went back to focusing on other things. Another 3 months went by and we did it all over again with the same outcome.

I figured this might be our friendship going forward and that was fine. It was fun, felt good and didn’t cause me to feel any crush related anxiety.

Now fast forward to the beginning of this summer. After not having heard/seen each other in some time, C reached out to me same as before with the suggestion to meet up soon. We spent the next few days texting back and forth but something seemed off. Eventually it came out that C had ended her relationship. I was kind of stunned so I told her that I was sorry to hear that and hoped she was doing alright. She said was doing OK but asked if we could postpone meeting up so that she had more time to “decompress” to which I agreed.

We then spent the next week doing a lot of heavy flirting via text/snapchat and when we finally met up, it felt more like a date than just friends catching up. It felt like the dinner we had gone out on way back when but even better since we had already gotten all the “getting to know you” stuff out of the way. Over the course of the evening C told me that ending her relationship had been mostly her call, that she always felt like she should’ve dated around more before committing like she did, and specifically mentioned the time I asked her out as something she would’ve pursued.

There was a lot of sexual banter throughout the night and playful intimate touching. When the time felt right I kissed C which led to an impromptu (and fairly heavy) make out session.

Before parting ways we had a lengthy talk about where we stood. I told C that I wasn’t trying to take advantage of her situation, but that it felt dishonest to bury my feelings also. C said she needed time to herself for awhile but that she wanted to see more of each other when she was more comfortable.

This was all about 6 weeks ago. In that time I’ve tried to give C the time and space she asked for and initially everything felt good. C left town for awhile on a family trip but we’ve stayed in contact. We did a lot of fun, light flirting via phone but when C got back she went radio silent on me for about a week. I reached out a few times, nothing serious, but backed off for fear that I wasn’t giving her the time she asked for.

Eventually C did reach out and we did see each other in person. (Though it wasn’t a date.) We had another long talk that was equal parts fun, flirty and serious. I apologized for coming on too strong and C apologized for not responding. It turns out C has been very busy with her job, adjusting to her new digs (she’s living with close friends but there’s tension among all the roommates) and is generally in a “weird place” right now. C suggested another dinner together soon and we went right back to flirting as before.

I gave it a few days and attempted to pin C down for another dinner date. C demurred but suggested we try sometime the week after. This is where things left off and I’m feeling stuck.

Am I not giving the C the appropriate amount of time? Or is the answer just not the one I want to hear?

On one hand the heavy flirting (it’s not sexting but it’s definitely sexual), the late night back-and-forths and the seemingly genuine desire to reschedule things all seem like interest. On the other hand the intermittent radio silence and “kick the can down the road” replies feel like indirect “no’s”.

I’m not looking for a serious commitment, not that I’m opposed to it, but I know that’s not what C is looking for either. I’m also not looking just to get laid though I’m certainly interested in sex. These are all things I’ve been honest and upfront with C about from the jump and she has seemed receptive if sometimes vague.

I don’t regret making my move and I knew it was a risk going in but I’m worried about what comes next if C’s feelings are strictly platonic. It would be a painful and impossible task for me to try and go forward with our friendship as before. I don’t want to needlessly hurt someone I care about deeply but I also don’t want turn a real friendship into a fake one.

Where do I go from here? Do I need to just relax, quit over analyzing, back off and leave the ball in her court so to speak or do I need to start figuring out how to end a very meaningful relationship? An outsider’s perspective would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You

Running Hot And Cold

DEAR RUNNING HOT AND COLD: This one’s simple, RHAC: you just need to relax.

Here’s what’s going on: C seems to like you. In fact, she seems to like you quite a bit — to the point that, when you two were working together, her behavior was starting to verge on “actively interested in leaving her boyfriend” territory. That, to me, sounds like it was a case of a mutual crush; she was grooving on the same sort of feelings you were having, and getting that same thrill of limerence from being around you and finding reasons for the two of you to spend more and more time together.  In fact, I suspect that part of why this came to a halt the first time was because either she realized or someone else pointed out how her behavior might be starting to be a little much for someone in a committed relationship with someone else. But by that point, you and she had a genuine friendship going, which was great!

And hey, congratulations are in order for you, RHAC, because you’ve done everything right. You handled your crush like a champion, you channelled that energy into becoming an awesome person and you and C were able to be friends, even with your (now obviously) mutual attraction for one another. You should be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished.

And if I’m being honest: the way you handled things is probably part of not only why you and C were able to be friends, but also why she’s been open to pursuing something with you. If you’d done things differently, I strongly suspect that this mutual attraction would never have gotten off the ground. Either the crushes would have faded or the friendship wouldn’t have lasted and y’all would’ve gone your separate ways.

But you didn’t, they didn’t and here we all are.

So where do you go from here? Well, honestly, I think you just need to sit back and give it some time. One of the things I’m always telling folks is that relationships need three things to get off the ground: the right person, the right place (in life) and the right time. And while you two have two out of the three, the third isn’t quite there yet. The issue at hand is that C is going through some shit — leaving her boyfriend, stress at work, the stress of a new place to live, all the attended worries about COVID and so-on. That can make it difficult to want to add yet another complication to one’s life: a new relationship with you. That’s not to say that she’s not interested in it… just that she doesn’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth right now. Shit’s tough, she’s likely pushing the limits of what she can handle and adding more to it — even something she wants and would enjoy — is likely too much right now. When things settle down and she frees up some of that bandwidth, then odds are that she’ll be ready to circle back around to the possibility of a relationship with you.

Everything you describe sounds like someone who’s into you and interested in more, but just can’t add anything else to her plate right now. The fact that she said “ok I can’t this week, but what about next week” is a very good sign; as a general rule, folks who want to see you will make an effort to do so. If she wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t have made a point of trying to fit you in where she could. Now, if “maybe next week” keeps happening? That’s a warning sign. It’s not an indication that she’s not interested — sometimes you really do just get stupidly busy or booked — but it’s at least cause to be a little concerned.

That being said: that’s not the situation here. She’s flirty, she’s responsive and she wants to see you. Those are all good signs. My advice is to focus on being happy with how things are right now and enjoying what you can. While this isn’t where you’d like to be, you seem to be on the path to getting there. If you can be cool and be flexible for now and wait while she sorts through things, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how things go.

Like I said: you’ve been doing everything right and it’s been paying off for you. Stick with it, and I believe it’ll likely turn out well.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com