DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a gay man. In my tennis group there is a 32 year old guy that I find very attractive, who I have known for about 3 years. We were never close friends, but rather just friendly acquaintances.

About 6 months ago, out of the blue, he started sending me direct messages, such as “good morning”, “how’s your day going”, “good night”- daily, several times a day. The conversations were short, but consistent. On several occasions I would lightly flirt with him. He would thank me, but he would never flirt back. So I assumed he was not interested in me beyond just being friends.

After a few weeks of receiving his daily text messages and me hoping for more, I finally flat out asked him if he would go out on a date with me. He politely turned me down. I was disappointed, but also relieved to at least have a concrete answer. In this same conversation, I apologized for flirting with him thinking that it probably had made him uncomfortable. He said, “no, I definitely hope that doesn’t stop”

Knowing that he was not interested in me but that he enjoyed my light flirty comments (by light, I mean a level 2 out of 10), I felt the freedom to increase the flirting level to a 5 out of 10. So now, instead of just complimenting him physically, I added a sexual desire component without being raunchy. This continued for a few more weeks. Still the flirting was one way traffic.

Then, one day, he flirts back! And not only that, but he escalates it by sending me a half nude picture! It caught me so by surprise that I started shaking with excitement. I told him that I was confused, that I didn’t think he was interested in me in “that way.” He said that he was attracted to me, but that he has a “policy” of not dating anyone from the tennis group.

Since then, for the past two months, the flirting is now two-ways and has progressed to video-cam sex twice a week… Our sexual interaction is exclusively virtual. When we see each other in person on the tennis courts, we’re just friends. No one in our group knows we have this virtual side thing going. He keeps saying that “soon” we will have actual sex. However his reasons are pretty flimsy as to why it hasn’t happened yet, so I assume he probably just doesn’t want to take it to that level. Yet every time I think we have reached the limit of how far this is going to go, he eventually pushes it to the next level. It’s just been such a f…n long, slow process… Ugh!

Is he just playing control games? Or is he the type of person that just takes a long time to develop a relationship? Seems that every time I try to define the relationship, I get turned down, but yet things do seem to be progressing, which leaves me confused because I want a “normal” relationship – and this feels more like a game, which granted I have been a willing participant.

Meanwhile, I keep meeting other people on dating apps, hoping to find someone that wants to date me as much as I want to date them. But no luck yet.

Do I do nothing and continue allowing him to dictate the pace and depth of the relationship? Or is there a level of toxicity already that makes it hopeless to expect it to ever be healthy and I should instead just end this now? Or is there a compromise solution that you see?

Ready Player Two

DEAR READY PLAYER TWO: So before we get to your question RPT, I want to refer back to Monday’s letter from Black Ladies Have Feelings Too. In that column, I talked about the difference between flirting with intent and flirting without. You’ve provided a great example of handling a situation where you were enjoying the flirting, but wanted to make sure that everyone’s on the same page. So I want to commend you for speaking up and asking your friend whether he’d prefer if you would stop. You checked in with him, got the high-sign that it was cool and he enjoyed and all was well…

Well, at least until things escalated and got murky again, anyway.j

These are the questions that are the hardest to answer, RPT, because they require being a mind-reader more than being a loudmouth with a blog. A lot of times, one person’s games-playing is another person’s “trying to work within the situation they’re stuck in”. Of course, other times… well, other times, it’s folks being s--tty for reasons of their own.

As a general rule, my position on “how do you tell what someone really means” in situations like yours is “deeds, not words”. That is, when there’s a conflict between what someone says and what they do, the way they behave tends to be the truth. Someone who, for example, protests that they’re interested in you, but can’t ever seem to make you a priority or carve out space for you, is likely not as interested as they claim. On the other hand, someone who insists that “this is just a sex thing,” but acts like a potential partner and treats you like someone they’re dating is likely either in the process of catching feelings or trying very hard to pretend that they aren’t.

Now in your case… well, let’s look at the difference between words and deeds. He gives the ok for you to keep flirting, even making it clear you think he’s hot sex on toast, but never reciprocates. That alone would suggest that he digs the attention, but doesn’t necessarily want to take responsibility for it. He’s willing to soak up your desire for him like a sponge, but he doesn’t want to have to do anything like, y’know, giving any attention back. At least… until he suddenly does. And boy howdy does he; it’s gone from one-sided flirting to spicy pic to some cam sessions. However, he’s not taking it any further. He not only keeps putting off getting together for actual, in-person sex but he keeps putting off any attempts to define the relationship and also refuses to acknowledge this publicly.

All of that, quite frankly, is making my Spidey-sense tingle. That dichotomy between his private actions vs. public ones, between his words and his deeds… that all suggests that there’s something going on that you’re not privy to.

Based on what you’ve been describing, I don’t think that he’s playing control games with you. I do, however, think he’s hiding something. I’m just not entirely sure what. But I have my suspicions. The problem is, there’s a lot of information missing that would help both of us figure out what that something is.

My first question would be: is he actually out as a gay or bi man — whether to the group, or in general? And if so, for how long? If he’s still adjusting to accepting his sexuality, I could see his gradual progress as part of his warming his way up to in-person sexy fun naked time. On the other hand, if he’s still closeted and nobody in the tennis group knows… well, then what he’s done is effectively dragged your relationship into the closet with him. And that has the side-effect of putting the onus on you to keep track of who is and isn’t “allowed” to know, having to weigh every word out of your mouth to be sure it doesn’t give the game away, as well as having to keep track of who gets what story. That’s not cool to ask of you, no matter how hot the cam sessions are.

My second question would be: how much do you know about him outside of the tennis group? Does he keep pretty mum about his life, or do you know about what he does when he’s off the courts? What about other members of your group; are any of them closer with him and know about the non-tennis side of him, or are they as much in the dark as he is?

For that matter, are all of your cam sessions at specific hours — say, late at night? Are you able to call him on the phone or Skype or FaceTime with him outside of those sessions, just to say ‘hi’? Or are all of your interactions strictly via text, barring when the two of you are camming together? Some of this secrecy and hedging sounds an awful lot like somebody hiding a relationship, and if there’re restrictions on when and how you can be in contact, then it would track that he’s dating or married to someone and you’re his dirty little secret.

Or, hell, it could be that he’s in a relationship with someone and he’s got a permission slip to fool around, but he doesn’t want you to know that he’s got a partner because… well, I dunno, maybe he’s worried that you’re not willing to do ethical non-monogamy.

Unfortunately, like I said: the answers to what’s going on are locked inside your beau’s head, and unless you or I suddenly make friends with Professor Xavier or Jean Grey, we’re all kinda stuck for an answer.

Except… not really. Because there is something you can do here to find out: you can call the question. You can — and should — ask him, straight up, what’s going on. Why is he keeping you on the down-low, why’s he being so cagey about you two getting together and what, exactly, he wants from this relationship?

Because there’s something I think you may have either forgotten or set aside: you are well within your rights to advocate for your own needs. You want a relationship with this guy. Not a “sneaking around, not quite real, plausibly deniable” kind of affair but to openly date and to be with someone who wants to be with you. There’s no reason not to actually use your words and say “Hey, I’m not happy with how this is playing out, here’s what I want from a relationship, here’s what I would want from you, are you in or are you out?”

I’d say I’m surprised you haven’t been blunter about this with him yet, but I think I know why. I suspect that you worry that, if you were to speak up and tell him exactly what you want, this whole thing would pop like a soap bubble and you’d be back at square one. And as much as I hate to say this, I suspect that you’d be right. You’ve picked up on just how fragile and tenuous this relationship is and the only reason why it continues is because it’s continuing on his terms. If you were to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you want more than this, it would all vanish like it never happened.

But here’s the thing: that’s not a bad thing. What you want isn’t compatible with what he’s giving you. You may find him hotter than Scotch Bonnet chili with a ghost pepper chaser, but if this relationship were a turtle, it’d be getting lapped by other turtles and that doesn’t make you happy. While you may like him, what he is offering isn’t working for you, and that’s clearly getting to you. So this is one of those times where you have to love yourself enough to give up someone you’re crazy about, but who doesn’t seem willing to give you the same consideration, care or investment that you’ve given him.

Now — assuming that you’re not a dirty little secret — this may mean finding out that yes, he’s just slower than a snail when it comes to relationships and he would get there eventually. But sometimes loving yourself means recognizing that “eventually” is not the price you’re willing to pay to be in this relationship. And while that’s a damn shame, I can promise you that there’re other dudes out there who are just as hot, just as awesome but who also aren’t taking the scenic route to where you hope to be.

So I think the best thing you can do here is just start using your words, like you did in the beginning, and say “dude… what the f--k?” Ask him what the hell’s going on, tell him what you need from him and see what he says.

And then… see what he does after he says them. Because if he says one thing, but his actions tell you another? Assume that the actions are the truth and move on. You deserve more than to wait around for someone who doesn’t seem to care about how you’re feeling or how he’s making you feel.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, before I say anything on the topic of The Grimes Test, I must say I’m not against the idea itself. It’s accurate in every regard. The problem is in how I personally sit beside it.

I’m an extreme introvert – if you can be more introverted than me you’ll be held in a mental asylum. Right now I’m not in my best shape, neither physical nor mental. And, quite frankly, I feel stunted in my ability to have any social interactions that fulfill me. Needless to say, I hate myself and my family for everything.

I feel that the problem is mostly in them. They are themselves a bunch of losers. I don’t say that without pain in my heart but I feel it this way.

And now, about the Grimes test. I saw many people who benefit from “passing it”… but I don’t feel I’ll ever be among them. I’m interested in screenwriting and I’m good at it but I don’t think that will make any difference. I know what you’re thinking – “that means you have an emotional intelligence, yada yada yada…” but I will still object.

I can’t write comedy for example. People only want to laugh, something I’d never make them do. I’ve seen people who are extremely successful just because they have a great sense of humour and are quite open. I’m the extreme opposite of that and I’ll never have it. It’s just my nature.

Honestly, there’s a lot more to say but I’ll leave it here. TL;DR: I can’t be socially successful because of my nature and I feel miserable because of it.

Thank you for listening,

Slime Kaiju Wannabe

DEAR SLIME KAIJU WANNABE: It’s been a while since I last brought up The Grimes Test, so this is actually a good time for a quick refresher.

The Grimes Test is a thought exercise originally inspired by NerdLove Mod Emeritus Gentleman Johnny, and goes like this:

Grimes is a 50′ tall monster made out of toxic waste and slime. He’s pretty cute as far as kaiju go, he’s got a cheery disposition, a good job and a place of his own, but he doesn’t have much of a life outside of work. He’s never hit a woman, he’s never sent pictures of his junk to anyone who didn’t want to see it (not that he has much to speak of), he’s never creeped on anyone, never stalked them or harassed them. He’s incredibly respectful of people’s boundaries and never trashes a city without its consent.

So with all that in mind: what do you have going for you that Grimes doesn’t, that would make a woman want to date you instead of Grimes?

(Also, you can get Grimes merch at the NerdLove Academy store. Just sayin’.)

The point of the Grimes Test is fairly simple: Grimes represents the baseline standard… the average nice guy, as it were. But being attractive to others means having more going for you than just “being nice”. So what do you bring to the table that would make you a catch?

Now, to get back to your question TSKW, I think that you — like a lot of folks — have forgotten something incredibly important: it’s that you aren’t carved in stone. You aren’t a statue, nor are you a fictional character who’s limits are dictated by the nature of fiction. You are a living, breathing human being, which means that you always, always have the capacity to grow, change and, critically, improve. If you feel like you don’t bring anything to the table right now… well, it’s within your capacity to cultivate those things. You have agency, you have control and “you” as a concept are a continual work in progress. There is no point where you can’t learn new skills, acquire new interests or otherwise better your situation.

You’ve made some pretty sweeping statements, man, ones that are so far off the mark that they don’t even qualify as being wrong. You can’t write comedy… ok, and? Comedy isn’t the only genre of the dramatic arts out there; there’s a reason why the two masks of drama are comedy and tragedy. Histories, thrillers, coming of age stories… those are all viable and valued narratives that people adore. Movies like August Rush aren’t comedies, nor are movies like Adaptation or Synecdoche, New York. Neither is The Last Castle, Stand By Me, Any Given Sunday, Hoosiers, 3 Days of the Condor, Thief… I could go on and on. Similarly, the whole “people only want to laugh” is false on its face. While yes, people do want to laugh, that not the only emotion people experience, nor is it the only emotion they want to feel when they go to the movies. If that were the case, people would never have gone to see Kids or Welcome to the Dollhouse. But by that same token, “…something I will never do” is a statement so broad and incorrect that the only way it could happen is if you work at it.

You have the capacity to be funny, my dude. You have the capability to write things that make people smile, laugh or say “awwww”. Declaring that you never will be able to requires that either you choose to cut off that part of your personal growth, or that you have clairvoyance to put Nostradamus to shame.

(And if that’s the case, I’d appreciate the numbers for the Powerball before end of business, Wednesday, thanks.)

However, to do any of that… well, first you gotta take care of yourself. And quite frankly, you’re kind of a mess. Leaving aside the rather radical misunderstanding of what an introvert is — trust me, people aren’t getting 5150’d for being exhausted by social interaction — you sound rather profoundly depressed. And I don’t mean that in the sense of “you have the blues”; I mean that in the sense of “your serotonin uptake seems to be having problems.” What you describe is the sort of thing that you should be talking to a therapist about, not a loudmouth with an advice column. After all, Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, he’s a dating coach, and what you need is a trained mental health professional to help you unpick this knot of resentment with your family as well as your self-image.

Here’s the thing: depression lies. Depression tells you that nothing can change, that nothing can get better and how you feel right now is how you will feel for the rest of your life. And I am here from the future to tell you that this is bulls--t. I have been there, I have done that and I have the medical history to back it up. The fact that you feel this way right now — that you may have felt this way for a long time — doesn’t mean anything about what you’re capable of. It just means that in this particular moment in time, you have the voice of depression whispering in your ear. But that can change.

However, for that to change, you have to make the choice to change. Not “will yourself to not be depressed” but to decide that you don’t like how you feel, that you want things to be different and to start taking the steps that will empower you to feel differently. Talking to a counselor is one such step. So too is asking a psychiatrist whether an antidepressant would be right for you, if something like cognitive behavioral therapy might work better, or a combination of medicine and therapy. And while neither (or both) are magic bullets that will instantly transform you, taking those steps is a reminder that yes, you have agency. Yes, you have control over your future. No, your future isn’t written in stone, it’s written in pencil, and you can erase it and write a better one.

You feel like s--t now. You feel like you can never be socially successful now. But feels aren’t reals, my dude. This is just a snapshot of this particular place and time. If you want a different future — one where you can be happy — then it’s on you to decide that you’re ready. And I’m not gonna lie: it’s a choice you have to make every day. But again, I have been in this hole before and I know the way out. So do yourself and your future self a favor: go talk to a counselor.

Your future self will thank you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I just finished reading your recent post debunking the idea that women only want to date rich buff alpha bros. I completely agreed with the point you made, but it reminded me of a semi-related, more nuanced question I have had about my own dating life that I’d like your take on: do women mostly go for guys with certain personality types when seeking casual sex/friends-with-benefits?

I want more sexual variety and sexual relationships in my life. I’d be thrilled to have a few friends-with-benefits or casual relationships where, yes, we’re actually friends, but also sex is a major component of the relationship. The thing is, the last time I tried meeting women for these purposes, it didn’t lead to much — few messages, even fewer dates, and nothing that went beyond the second date. This was despite me putting a lot of effort into my profile, reading through your archives, etc.

I worry that my personality held me back. I hate parties and clubs, and at bars I prefer to find a quiet corner to chat rather than be in the middle of things. My idea of a fun Saturday night is playing board games with friends or discussing science and politics over cocktails. And while I have a few close friends (most long-distance at this point due to moves), I don’t have much of a IRL social circle where I live.

I’m simply not the kind of guy who radiates charisma, organically meets a ton of varied and interesting people, or will take dates on fun adventures and wild nights through the city.

I’m confident I have attractive qualities, like kindness, financial stability, and intelligence, but they’re more “boyfriend material” traits than “sexy friends-with-benefits” traits. I’m not saying women want their friends-with-benefits to be stupid assholes, obviously, but just that merely being kind on its own isn’t going to do much to attract a woman looking for something more casual and sexual rather than a long-term partner.

I posted my online dating profile in multiple mixed-gendered communities to get feedback, and I was told that sweet, introverted, nerdy guys looking for FWB are a dime a dozen and that women want adventures and excitement from casual relationships.

The thing is, I’m pretty content with who I am. I’d be unhappy having to maintain a giant social circle or going out clubbing every weekend, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Sometimes I wish I was more charming or charismatic, but again I don’t see anything wrong with being a bit on the awkward and quiet side. But does this mean it will be difficult for me to be attractive to women seeking more casual relationships? To be a bit hyperbolic, am I doomed to a life of sexual boredom and frustration because I’m not “exciting” and “fun” enough?

(I guess I should add that I’m polyamorous, which does making meeting people a bit harder, but I had similar experiences even when I was single so I don’t think it’s a major factor)

 Looking For More

DEAR LOOKING FOR MORE: There’re a couple things going on here, LFM. First and foremost: yes, being poly means that you’re going to have a more restricted pool of potential partners. Lots of folks, even people looking for friends with benefits, just don’t want to do the poly thing. They may not trust that the supposedly poly person isn’t cheating, they may feel like being in a poly relationship means they’re not as special, or it just may be more of a logistical nightmare than they’re willing to deal with.

So that, in and of itself, is something that you’re gonna have to just accept as part and parcel of the poly experience.

However, the bigger issue at hand is the assumption that folks who are looking for casual sex or an FWB arrangement are all wild and crazy party people who want to go on amazing adventures. There’re plenty of low-key, introverted folks who like to bang, but don’t necessarily want commitment or to party all the time. It’s easier to find the more outgoing club types, but that’s mostly because they’re more visible and more in alignment with the stereotype of who supposedly goes for casual sex or FWB relationships. The quiet, board-game types are out there, but they aren’t as noticeable because… well, because everyone keeps looking for the stereotype.

Yes, while there’re party animals out there who want to rock and roll all night and party every day, who hit the clubs looking for threesomes, foursomes and moresomes… those aren’t the only folks who like casual sex. They’re not even the majority. Hell, some of the most sex-getting-est dudes I know — who have a lot of casual sex  (or who have multiple relationships, or both, for that matter) tend to be introverts who prefer nights at home or low-key dates. Some of the women I know who had the wildest, craziest sexual adventures were quiet and sweet — folks you would assume were natural kindergarten teachers who would be into crafts and cottagecore, and yet had strings of partners that would make your head spin.

The same goes with being “fun” or “exciting”. This doesn’t automatically mean being wild or outgoing. Sometimes what makes you exciting is the fact that you’re the person who really gets somebody or who sees the world from a different perspective than they do and you have amazing conversations. There’re lots of different ways of being attractive or charming. Being charismatic doesn’t mean you’re the loudest or most visible person in the room. An amazing date isn’t necessarily going bar hopping, doing shots, riding mechanical bulls and running from the cops; sometimes an amazing date is going to a museum and an Oddities and Curiosities expo to look at all the preserved bugs and nifty animal skulls. Or it might be making pizza and cocktails at home and having a bad movie marathon while you cuddle on the couch.

Being someone who likes quiet nights and doesn’t go clubbing doesn’t mean that you’re not going to find FWBs or casual relationships; it just means that you should be looking for someone who aligns with your interests and lifestyle.

I suspect that you — like the forums you were consulting — may be falling into the trap of looking for the wrong folks because they align with what you think the FWB-havers are like. The problem inherent to this approach is that you’re advertising yourself to the wrong market. To paraphrase the sage, you can be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the world, but some folks just don’t like peaches and you’re not gonna change their minds. You want to be looking for the folks who actually like peaches.

Are there women who want adventures and excitement from their casual relationships? Sure. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who are sweet, introverted and nerdy who also want casual or no-strings relationships. Those should be the folks you’re looking for… and to do that, you should be making sure that those are the ones who your profile appeals to.

Now part of the problem may well be how you’re going about trying to find a FWB. If you’re advertising on dating apps as looking for something casual or no strings, then you’re more likely to find folks who are looking for wild-and-crazy-swing-from-the chandeliers type of flings without strings. Those are f--kbuddy relationships, where sex is the main — or possibly only — reason for the relationship. But the key to FWB relationships is that they’re friendships… it’s right there in the name. So you may be better off looking for friends who are in line with what you want. That means that yes, you will need to actually improve your social circle and start working on finding friends who aren’t long distance. If you want friends with benefits, then to get the benefits, you need to find friends. There’s not really a way of skipping that step.

One of the things I always suggest to folks looking to build out their social circle is to find their people first; look for other folks who like many of the things you do, make connections and even start hosting events that would bring them all to you. There’s a lot to be said for having a board game night and getting people together to play Betrayal at House on the Hill or Pandemic Legacy. That makes it that much easier to find the folks who might also be into something low-key with you.

Another thing you may want to consider is to focus on the overlap in your particular Venn diagram and start making connections with the local poly community in your area. While poly get togethers aren’t meat markets, they are a great place to network and mingle with like-minded folks who have similar relationship styles and similar interests. You’re more likely to meet people who not only get the whole poly thing (they opted in already, obviously) but who might be more receptive to a FWB relationship with you. And, of course, there’re plenty of sweet, introverted nerds in the poly community as well.

Just remember: people are wide and varied, and not easily sorted into clean and convenient categories. The quiet homebody can be an unexpected tigress in the sack if you give her half a chance; the wild party girl can be incredibly sweet, considerate and thoughtful and looking for something committed with a special guy. Instead of focusing on the stereotype, look for the folks you’d be compatible with and work from there. People can and often do surprise you if you give them a chance. But first you have to give them that chance.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com