DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a trans guy venturing out into dating women for the first time since I started transition. One of the advantages of being a trans dude is that we can tailor our genitalia to our partner’s preferences via the magic of prosthetics.

Enter my sense of humor. None of my prosthetics look like a normal penis. There are tentacles, tongues, and weirder appendages. 

It occurred to me recently to wonder at what point I should maybe mention my terrible sense of humor? Do I wait until we’re discussing what acts are even mutually agreeable and then bring up that I think tentacles are hilarious? Do I just assume that if I’ve gotten that far with someone that she knows about my sense of humor? Do I pick up a couple more normal prosthetics just in case (how boring)? I have consulted both Debrett’s and Miss Manners, but neither offered any guidance.

Help me doc, you’re my only hope! 

Cthulhu In My Pants

DEAR CTHULHU IN MY PANTS: I’m not gonna lie: the first thing I thought of when I read this is one of my favorite fan works from Stjepan Sejic, where Lois is reminded that Superman is still an alien.

But putting the pincers aside…

This is actually an interesting issue, CIMP, because it touches on a number of issues surrounding bodies, sex and worrying about what our partners will think when they see us naked for the first time. Bodies are inherently weird, and everyone has things about theirs that they think are inherently unattractive or off-putting. For some it’s cellulite or stretch marks. For others it’s scars from injuries or surgeries. Some folks have large or inverted nipples, gynecomastia or sunken chests. People have hands, feet or limbs that may be different than normal or who have limited mobility or other issues. There can be too much hair in places you think there shouldn’t be any, or not enough in others. Some feel that they’re too fat, others far too skinny. Still others have moles, birthmarks, asymmetries or countless other little quirks and differences that stand out like a glaring red light when we look in the mirror.

And this is never more true than when it comes to our junk. Some folks have pensises and clitorises of varying sizes and shapes — some that curve in odd directions, some that are much larger than normal or much smaller than the average. Same with vulvas, labia, scrotums… all of these come in such wide varieties, and almost everyone is convinced that theirs is weird or unattractive somehow.

But here’s the thing: by the time we’re at the “getting naked” stage of things, it’s almost always fait accompli. When someone’s ready to start peeling your clothes off during furious makeouts, they’re already all-in; they’re into you as the holistic person you are. Whatever thing you think is a disqualifier is rarely going to turn them off or make them change their minds. As it turns out, it’s really hard to ruin the mood when you’re with someone who’s into you, specifically. Most of the time, the things that are unmissable to you are barely noticeable to anyone else, and when they do notice, they usually don’t care.

That having been said, if things go to extremes — such as, say, pulling out a prosthetic or a strap-on that looks like an outtake from Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife — there may be some moments of “wait, WHAT?” that will need to be worked through. After all, here’re a lot of sex toys, prosthetics, dildos and vibrators out there that are as much for the “What the Cinnamon Toast F--k is THAT?” factor as they are about function. Toys from companies like Bad Dragon are impressive to see during a cam show, but may be a bit much for somebody who wasn’t expecting them. Sometimes they can be absurd, sometimes you are convinced there’s no way that thing would fit, sometimes they look anatomically impossible to use, and sometimes they make people go “Wait, why does that have a bicep??”

(If you know, you know.)

But then again, part of what’s made sex toys — penetration toys in particular — more broadly acceptable has been getting away from looking like body parts. Part of why vibrators, penetration toys and insertion toys like Fleshlights got a rap for the perverted or terminally lonely was because they looked like disembodied genitalia.  These days, a lot of penetration toys don’t look sexual at all, but more like objet d’art, when function is allowed to dictate form. So pulling a tentacle or other unusually shaped prosthetics out of the drawer may not necessarily be the showstopper you might worry about.

As a general rule, I’m a big believer that the more likely an issue is going to come up — especially during sex — the sooner it should be brought up to the other person, if only so they can adjust their expectations accordingly. The odds are, by the time you’re at a point where you and your future snugglebunny are at the “your place or mine” stage, they’ll know about your sense of humor. But just as knowing my love of awful jokes doesn’t stop my friends from rolling their eyes at me when I make them, knowing that you think tentacles are hilarious doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily going to expect to see something they last saw in Urotsukidoji when you get together.

In this case, I think that during discussions about your yes’, no’s and maybe’s, your must-haves and hard limits, bringing up that most of your toys are from the exotic or novelty end of the spectrum is a good idea. fIt’s much easier for things to flow smoothly — as smooth as a first time can be, anyway — when folks know more or less what to expect. While it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker, you may have to deal with giggling fits or questions like “how does that even work?” that could slow things down.

Not, mind you, that giggles and happy laughter is a bad thing. It’s just that if they know what they’re likely in for in the first place, then you might still be getting the giggles, but it becomes part of the experience, rather than having to pause while she catches her breath.

Now, speaking strictly for myself, I’m a big believer in preparing for as many contingencies as possible. Having a more standard prosthetic as an option, while not as hilarious, may be a good thing to have on hand. They may not necessarily want that one, but it does mean that you have choices if it turns out that the Black Goat With A Thousand Tongue isn’t what they were down for that night. At the very least, it means that people who are a little more standard-issue when it comes to sex will be a bit more comfortable at the start.

But then again, who knows? Your pulling out the Dread Cthulhu Lies (Wet) Dreaming out of the drawer may not even be the weirdest thing she’s seen that week.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have (or had, I don’t know anymore) this friend who I was deeply in love with her, but for personal reasons, I just wanted to be her friend and for a while it worked. We had good times and bad times, several times we had fights that seemed to end things, but we always came back stronger than before… She was my best friend.

But recently, everything has been getting weird.

I knew she was interested in another guy. I never brought up my feelings for her, or got clingy with her and always gave her time as she wanted. At the same time I was available when she needed it. This guy was a complete asshole to her, always treating her badly, making fun of her to the point that she was sick of him… During all of this, our friendship got even stronger. However, I never crossed the line of friendship and angling for a relationship, because her friendship was very important to me.

Well, lately I’ve been going through a complicated situation in my life. I’ve been dealing with cancer of a close relative on top of the pandemic, and I started to want to be more alone for a while.

But my friend started to think very badly of me, forcing me to pay attention to her, threatening that if I didn’t look for her, all our friendship would die and other things. Besides that, she made a point of being furious with me when I really went after her and asked how things were, or insisted a little in wanting to have her around.

One day, when she offered me help in something I was doing, I started to notice that she was distant, with short answers. Basically she was giving 100% attention to this other guy, who’d come back into her life while helping me.

Well, here comes the fun part: after seeing that she wasn’t very interested in providing help like she said she would, I simply replied with a grump. Believe it or not, she became furious with me and started saying hurtful things. I apologized, saying that wasn’t what I meant, and she did not reply, so I left it there and simply walked away from things…

After a month, she reappeared and tells me that she would never know what I wanted from her, that I cared more about my asshole friends and that she was sick and tired of it. At that very moment I became completely lost about everything… I already said to her that she was my best friend several times, that I cared for her and that wasn’t the first time when we’ve had these fights.

Well… I had no choice but to declare that I loved her in the most anguished way possible, and in the end I was received with silence.

One month later, she returned apologizing to me, saying that she screwed up with me, that I was just a brother to her and that she was dating the guy. I was extremely sad but I still wanted to have her as my friend, even she told me several times that if I wanted to leave, she would understand.

After that, she would pop up one time or another, asking how I was, if everything was ok. Sometimes we could talk something or another but it was getting weird, different… I felt that she was getting further and further away. She kept making a point of telling me about her relationship (even if I tried to avoid the topic) until one day she asked me to draw a picture for her and her boyfriend.

I was furious and said that she was going over the edge, she apologized and said it was just for her…

Well, things were getting more and more complicated, until a day that I was tired of everything and asked her if she wanted me to be gone from her life. She basically freaked out saying that I was mad about her relationship, that it was the only good thing that had happened to her, that she was full of problems (yes, she kept looking for me, saying she was in trouble, and when I asked what was happening she would not tell me).

I tried to reaffirm that she was my best friend, that she was a sister to me and that she could count on me and basically she sent me away after all that. Now I really don’t know what to do…

Please Dr… Help me…

– Caught In A Trap

DEAR CAUGHT IN A TRAP: Jesus CIAT, this woman has really put you through a ringer and I’m so sorry you’ve been through this.

Now, I’m going to level with you, man: I’ve read through your letter a few times and, if I’m being honest, I can’t really see why you would want to be friends with this woman. It’s understandable that when folks write in with a problem, they focus on the problems and not the good parts. It can create a specific picture of the relationship, which is understandable. But going by what you’ve written here, it sounds like this entire relationship is just one long parade of red flags and s--tty behavior from your friend.

Here’s the thing: while it can seem cold to describe it in these terms, but relationships — including friendships — are a two-way exchange. You give, but you also receive. In an ideal world, these exchanges would be roughly equal in terms of value. Yes, it’s rare that any relationship is perfectly equitable, but on the whole they should balance out if they’re going to last. When they don’t… well, that’s when things fall apart. 

And quite frankly, your friendship seems to have been walking up to the edge of breaking up, constantly. You talk about the demands she made on you or how she held the friendship hostage to your dancing in attendance on her, but you don’t mention anything you got in return. No real support, no intimacy, no real return on your emotional “investment” in her. It seems like your entire relationship was predicated on your being her on-call not-quite boyfriend, where you were expected to provide all sorts of emotional intimacy and attention and in exchange you got… well, I’m not sure. You got to keep your crush in your life and nurse that unrequited attraction for her, I guess.

Frankly this sounds more like masochism than friendship.

Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she sounds like a really s--tty friend. There you are, dealing with the stress of the pandemic and dealing with the heartbreak of a loved one’s battle with cancer and looking to do a little self-care by withdrawing a bit and marshaling your strength. And here comes your bestie, telling you that if you don’t keep giving her your time and attention RIGHT NOW then the relationship will die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT. And later, when you ask for something from her, she half-asses it. She can’t bother to pretend to be present with you, and when you get up set over that… well, she blows up at you over it. That’s pretty f--ked up, dude.

Worse is that she comes back later and then continues to blame you for everything going wrong because… well, I’m not entirely sure. But again: it sure as hell sounds like she’s telling you it’s your fault that she’s not a better friend to you because REASONS. Even after you end up confessing how you feel, she seems to treat you more like an accessory than a person. Worse, she seems to think that your boundaries are optional at best. You say you didn’t want to hear about her relationship but she’d keep bringing it up anyway. And while I can kind of understand the reasoning —  she’s driving home that she’s with this other guy, she’s not interested in you and isn’t going to date you — it’s still something you don’t want to hear about. Not to mention, hammering it constantly means it goes from being “I just want to be clear about what you and I have together” and more about keeping you in your place.

Yes, it can be a little dickish to try to pretend that somebody’s partner doesn’t exist, especially when you have feelings for that person. But that’s not what you were doing. You weren’t trying to pretend that she didn’t have a boyfriend, you didn’t want to have it rubbed in your face, constantly. There’s really nothing wrong with drawing a boundary and saying “look, I respect you and your relationship with X, but I don’t want to hear about it or him,” especially when it’s causing you pain. He may be a part of her life, even an important part of it, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be willing to sandpaper your soul just to be friends with her. You’re allowed to draw lines and say “this bothers me, and I’d rather keep this aspect out of our friendship.” People who tell you that you’re not allowed to do so are telling you that you’re not allowed to prioritize your own emotional well-being over their desire to share things that are painful to you.

You can accept a person in their entirety without needing all the details. Everyone goes to the bathroom; being someone’s friend doesn’t mean you need to hear about the size and shape of it.

Look: the way she treats you is a recurring pattern, my dude. She makes demands and holds the friendship hostage if you don’t accede to her demands immediately and only on her terms. If you have needs, those needs are ignored or become reason for her to be pissed at you. This ain’t no way to conduct a friendship and, honestly, I don’t get why you stick around.

Well, actually, not true. I get why. Part of the problem is that it doesn’t seem like you ever tried getting over your crush on her. You don’t mention whether you dated anyone else or attempted to find someone who would actually like you back while also not being ten pounds of drama in a five pound sack. That exacerbates the problem. While I don’t doubt your sincerity in wanting to be friends and nothing more, I think you let your desire for her cloud your thinking. Your feelings for her meant that you kept excusing her bad behavior and the abominable way she’s been treating you. And it seems like she took your continued presence as license to just take and take without ever giving in return.

I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear but I’m gonna be blunt: this isn’t going to get better. It’s only going to keep getting worse and it’s only going to keep twisting the knife in your heart. The best thing you can do right now is to finally prioritize yourself and leave. You may be her friend, but she sure as s--t isn’t yours. This friendship is toxic, my dude, and it’s far past time to call it quits. Yes, I get that you love her and want her in your life. But her presence in your life is causing you nothing but pain, and it’s not going to get better. Even after you’ve told her how you feel, she’s continued to just make demand after demand and get mad at you when you say “hey, could I get a little friendship in return?”

There’s a line from a song that I think is relevant here: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more.”

Ending a relationship, even a friendship, can be a radical act of self-love and self-care. It’s well past time that you love yourself to let this relationship go and find both friends and lovers who actually live up to the role.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I lived very happily being single for some time – and I also had my quota of serious relationships in the past. But after some time being single, I met this girl in my home country that I really feel comfortable with. Then, fate happened: I moved to another country on another continent. Although I was still feeling comfortable by myself, after some time dating at a distance and a few very expensive plane tickets, we decided that it could be cool to live together here: at least as a test… we never lived with a couple before so it was a new experience for both of us. It was really a pain to bring her here, because of COVID  bureaucracy, the fact that she came with her cat (and I had mine)… but we finally made it.

So, it’s already been a year since she arrived, and I’m still comfortable with her. The thing is, I’m really missing the fact of being single: particularly in the fact of dating other random women.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel really sexually satisfied and happy with her right now, but I do miss the fact of getting out there, trying to seduce other bodies, other voices, other personalities; even if that sometimes derived in a not-so-satisfying sexual encounter, the fun was in all the process.

We had a very short conversation about “opening the relationship” but she was 100% against it, so clearly “going rogue” would definitely hurt her a lot. But I really feel very tempted…

Any suggestions here?

Cheers,

Abroad Guy With Single Thoughts

DEAR ABROAD GUY WITH SINGLE THOUGHTS: Right off the bat, AGWST: what you’re feeling is normal and damn near everyone experiences it to one degree or another. One of the tropes about relationships and dating that is my continual pet peeve is the idea that monogamy is simple, easy and everyone can do it. It isn’t, it definitely isn’t easy and no, not everyone can. That’s not a moral failing; that’s just human biology. We are a novelty-seeking species, and one of the most powerful forms of novelty is sexual novelty. Even folks who are ostensibly monogamous still indulge in sexual novelty; folks who watch porn don’t just watch one movie or one particular porn star, after all.

The fact that you’re attracted to other women doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong in your relationship. The fact that you kind of miss going out and hooking up with new people is natural; it’s that thrill of the new. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that your relationship is failing. It just means that you’re a primate with a sex drive, same as everyone  else. While some folks may feel the urge at different levels and some may have an easier time pushing it down, it’s something that hits pretty much everyone. Monogamy just means that you’ve chosen to not sleep with other people; it doesn’t say a damn thing about not wanting to.

However, at the same time: just because things are natural doesn’t mean they can’t f--k up a perfectly good relationship.

Here’s the thing: every relationship comes with a price of entry. It can sound cold when you look at it dispassionately, but every relationship is subject to a cost/benefit analysis.  No relationship, no matter the relationship style, the person, the country or any other condition you care to name, occurs without compromise. If you are in a relationship with someone, you are giving up something. Many times, what you’re giving up is sex or romantic relationships with other people. Other times, it may be a particular type of sex. You may be letting go of dreams of having kids, traveling to exotic locales, working a particular job because now you need to support a family… there is always a compromise being made. The key is that while you may be giving up something that you want, what you get in exchange is so awesome and makes you so happy that you can accept not getting the rest.

Case in point: you like the thrill of meeting someone new, the process of getting to know each other, the build up of attraction and tension to the moment where you and they fall into bed together. That’s both very common and very normal, and for a lot of folks, that’s something that they can’t live without.

However, that’s something you can’t have in the relationship you have with your girlfriend. While some folks are cool with non-monogamy — if they aren’t non-monogamous themselves — others aren’t. Your girlfriend has made it clear that she’s one of the folks who isn’t. Being in a relationship with her means that the price of entry is that you are giving up the thrill of the new. Cheating on her — not “going rogue” or some other euphemism, cheating — will likely destroy her trust in you and your relationship in short order. And while I know my view of infidelity is nuanced, what you’re describing as “very tempting” is a deliberate betrayal of that trust. That’s not “I had a couple too many drinks and failed my Wisdom save”, that would be choosing to do something that you know would hurt her.

So, you’re asking for suggestions. If I’m going to be honest, AGWST, my suggestion would be that you shouldn’t have committed to a monogamous relationship when you started dating her. If that thrill of the new is something that you know you need, then agreeing to a monogamous commitment isn’t a great idea. That’s not something that you “get out of your system” or “goes away in time”; it’s part of who you are and what you need in a relationship. Trying to force yourself to not feel something only ends up making it stronger.

I would also say that moving straight from long-distance to living together wasn’t a great choice. The dynamics of dating when you live in different cities or countries is different than when you live in the same place. Leaping from an LDR straight to living together means having to adjust to a lot of differences very, very quickly, and that can put a pretty significant strain on the relationship. When that leap involves moving to an entirely different country adds a lot of pressure on the relationship; they’re in a place with very little social support or connections besides you. That can make it very hard to deal with the usual stresses that come up in every relationship. Now the stakes involved in resolving your issues are much, much higher than they might be otherwise.

That can put a serious strain on relationships, especially if you’re already feeling like you’re missing being single. It’s harder to have those awkward, necessary conversations when you know that breaking up has vastly different stakes for them.

But all of that would require having access to a Flux Capacitor or a TARDIS and since none of us have those things, the only way we can move is forward.

So under the current situation, you have a choice. You can either decide that what you don’t get — dating and sleeping with other people — is a compromise you can make because what you get in exchange is so worth it. Or you can decide that this isn’t a price you’re willing to pay for your relationship.

It’s certainly possible that she’ll change her mind about opening up the relationship, and there’s nothing saying that you can’t circle back to that discussion down the line. Not every relationship starts off open, and some couples come to ethical non-monogamy after having been monogamous for a while. Some come to it even after having rejected it out of hand previously. However, this usually takes a lot of time while you build up the level of trust, security and communication needed for her to feel ready to consider the possibility.

At the same time, though, she may never get to that point no matter what. Going further into this relationship on the assumption that you will change her mind later is a bad idea. If this is something you knew about yourself from the jump, then you would have a better time saying “I am willing to be monogamous with you for now, but I’ll want to reopen this discussion later,” at the beginning. So if you’re going to go forward with your relationship with her, then you have to do so recognizing that an ethically non-monogamous relationship may never be on the table.

If you do decide to stay with your girlfriend, then I would suggest making a point of keeping the thrills in your sex life a priority. While you can’t keep the initial novelty of a new partner alive forever, you can keep the excitement and adventures together alive. Beyond the biological component, part of why sex and passion fade in relationships is because people fall into ruts. They quit doing so many of the crazy things they did at the start of a relationship — including all the wild sexual encounters — because they’re starting to settle in. When you’re having sex the same ways, at the same times… well, it gets a little repetitive. It gets dull. Part of making a relationship work in the long term means continuing to shake things up, try new things and to avoid falling into patterns. So, in your case, part of what might make monogamy more acceptable as a price of entry would be to put the effort in to keep the sexual novelty and adventure going. Whether it’s exploring kinks together, creating artificial barriers you have to overcome together or stepping up your Gomez Addams game, keeping the spark alive and vital will be an important part of making this relationship work.

And if you still need a little strange on occasion? Get yourself a couple Tengas or Fleshlights, subscribe to some Fansly or OnlyFans profiles and jerk one out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com