DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend of two years dumped me last week because I lost my job during the pandemic. She said that she is “sick of supporting me” and told me to get a job. I have been trying. It is really hard out there and unemployment hasn’t done much to help my situation. I have been applying for work everywhere that I can. I am really upset that she dumped me because we were talking about getting engaged this year. I’ve tried calling and texting her but she’s ignoring me. What should I do? I want my old life back. —EVERYTHING IS RUINED

DEAR EVERYTHING IS RUINED: I am so sorry to hear that you haven’t been able to find consistent work since losing your job. This pandemic has caused so many issues for people, including the stress of not knowing how you will make ends meet. I can’t help but wonder why you would want to get back together with someone who has treated you so harshly in this moment. Vows that include “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” are supposed to mean something. Why would you want to get engaged and marry a person who isn’t showing you that she can be there for you in the tough times? I would meditate on that. Maybe she is overwhelmed and emotionally fatigued by everything, too. Maybe this is a moment she needs to take and used your financial situation as an excuse to focus on herself. Take the hint. If she won’t call you to text you back, just give the situation some space. Focus on finding work, focus on getting yourself to a healthy place and then take a second look at this relationship. You may have a different perspective on it a few months from now. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I are roommates and while I love living with her, we have one big problem. Whenever I want to do anything with my boyfriend, she always wants to hang out with us. She had a bad break up this fall and she is lonely. While I love spending time with her, I also need to spend time with my boyfriend. He is very understanding of the fact that she is going through a tough time, but we also need alone time! Since the beginning of the pandemic, my roommate and I have both worked from home, too. We are around each other all day. My boyfriend lives with his parents and his mom is immunocompromised so we don’t spend a lot of time at his house. How do I fix this without hurting her feelings?

—LOVE MY CLINGY FRIEND

DEAR LOVE MY CLINGY FRIEND: You sound like classic BFFs who love each other. I think that is awesome and not something that everyone experiences. I am happy that you both have found a friend like that in one another. Because of the depth of your friendship, it is important that you set up clear and healthy boundaries for each other. It’s easy to become enmeshed when you live together and hang out all the time. Sit down with her and just tell her what you told me. You love being with her and you need to carve out time for your partner, as well. Sometimes we build things up in our heads and assume our friends will react one way, and then when they don’t, we wonder why we worked ourselves up into a frenzy about it. Just be honest with her, set boundaries, and see how it goes. She may surprisingly enjoy a little alone time for herself, too, and then everyone’s relationships will end up better for it. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: Years ago, my father and I had a big blow out fight when I came out to him as trans. My mom died when I was small and it was always just my dad and me. He was a great dad to me. I think he always knew that I was “different,” but when I told him the truth when I was 24, he basically disowned me. Five years later, he has started to call me and send me letters, begging for my forgiveness. He is sick now, and I think he realizes how wrong he was to do what he did. My wife thinks that I should make amends with him, as we are expecting our first child together. I can't help but want him back in my life, but I have no idea how to begin the healing process. I am still so deeply hurt by him.  —MAKE IT RIGHT

DEAR MAKE IT RIGHT: If you want to make amends, this is the moment to do so. Your dad’s illness is a turning point for him in recognizing his own mortality. He most likely feels remorse, shame and regret for cutting you off. Often, when grief is not expressed constructively, it becomes anger. He may have just not understood what having a child who identifies as transgender meant. He may not have been ready to accept it. It doesn't condone his behavior or how he treated you. I am so sorry he couldn’t see beyond himself and center you in this. But I do believe in second chances. If he seems genuinely sorry and truly wants to embrace fully who you are, it may be a positive thing for you both. After losing your mother, it sounds as though you and your father had a close bond. Maybe you won’t have that relationship again, but perhaps you can build something even better now that there is a different level of honesty between you. If he is willing to educate himself, act with compassion towards you and your family, accept you for who you are and love you for who you are, then it might be worth exploring. Life is short and a chance you have to mend fences with your dad is a chance worth taking. You will know right away if he is genuine or not. It starts with a phone call, a letter, or a visit. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Involve a therapist if you think mediation will help. Your dad has to meet you where you are, on your terms. I applaud you for being willing to forgive him and take a step towards healing while you still have time. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were always close growing up. Over the years, he has become paranoid and invests too much time into reading QAnon theories and other conspiracies. This past week really showed his true colors because he sympathized with the people who stormed our Capitol. My family is beside themselves and my sister says we have to cut him off. I don't know what to do. There is no reasoning with him. I love him and I don’t want to cut him off. What should we do? —Q RIPPING US APART

DEAR Q RIPPING US APART: While you can’t control what your family members each individually decide to do, you can control how you engage with your brother. It isn’t easy to try and pull someone from the clutches of conspiracy theories. We all know that if they are down this rabbit hole, it can feel like your friend or relative is a lost cause.  You really can’t talk someone out of this stuff. Instead, try a different approach. Offer to switch “research” with them. They have to read something you bring to them and you offer to read something that they give to you. At least this way, you can open the door for dialogue and perhaps poke a few holes, weakening their arguments. It may plant a seed. In any case, my fear is that if your family cuts off your brother, he will only isolate further. Engage with your brother and help pull him away from those discussions by setting ground rules when you are together about what you will and will not discuss.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my 94-year-old grandfather to Covid-19 and I am really bitter about it. He was in good health and did not live in a nursing home. I say this because I am so sick of people acting like just because they were old that they were going to die anyway. I am hurt and horrified at how we treat the elderly in this country. Some of my family is also upsetting me about this because they are anti-maskers and do not want to admit that wearing a mask saves lives. Even after this. I have all of these feelings and I don’t know how to process them. I’m also seeing more and more of my friends losing family to Covid-19. It’s really starting to hit home for a lot of people. How can we handle not only our own grief but then be there for friends who are also suffering? —COVID-19 HITTING HOME

DEAR COVID-19 HITTING HOME: I have said it before and i’ll say it again: This whole country has been experiencing collective grief. And when we don’t acknowledge grief, it can take other forms, like anger or despair. The fact that your family is still in denial about the importance of wearing masks may seem mind boggling, but this denial is how they are protecting themselves because they refuse to acknowledge reality. They haven’t tapped into their grief. Now, with it hitting so close to home, they are even more defensive about their choices than before. All that you can do is to continue to protect yourself and your family as best you can by practicing social distancing, wearing a mask whenever you are in public or around people outside of your household, and washing your hands. In terms of your own experience with grieving the loss of your grandfather while also simultaneously feeling anger and bitterness towards the situation at large, just lean into it. You can hold two feelings at once. You can both honor him and feel frustration around the circumstances of his death. My one mentor used to say to me: “If you want to heal it, you have to feel it.” So allow yourself grace and space in this situation. Allow yourself room to grieve, room to feel all of it. You owe yourself that. There is no circumventing the intensity of all of this. None of this is normal. My fear is that everything related to Covid-19 will become normalized. We should never normalize this. We should never accept this as “just the way it is.” These deaths were preventable and your anger and bitterness are understandable. But my hope for you is that you find someone to talk to, like a therapist, where you can work through these feelings and not have to carry them around. The healing can start from there. Once you are in a better place, you can be present for your friends experiencing their own grief and loss, too. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I live together and things haven’t been great between us. I broke things off before Covid-19 but she threatened to harm herself. We got back together and now live with each other. I lost a parent recently and have experienced other personal setbacks. I find myself using them as reasons as to why we can’t go to the next level. She would like to marry, but I am reluctant to do that because of her past. I am not even sure that I love her, but I feel obligated to take care of her right now. I am not sure what to do, but I am truly unhappy and don’t want to live like this forever. —PROLONGED MISERY

DEAR PROLONGED MISERY: You have to honor what you want and need from a life partner. The longer you ignore your feelings, the more resentment, hostility and frustration will build up around this. If you bottle all of this, you may just explode at some point and say things that you’ll regret. You have to be honest with yourself and with her. I’m not saying to drop her immediately, but I think both of you should go to counseling together and discuss what has happened. It clearly weighs on you and is preventing you from moving forward in your life. Being duty bound may seem noble, but really it means you are constantly putting someone’s needs ahead of your own and that isn’t sustainable. Own your feelings. Own where you are. Let the chips fall where they may. You both deserve to find partners that bring out the best in you. It’s not always enough to just survive; you are allowed to thrive.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci