DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fighting over the vaccine. We both want to get it, but neither of us qualify yet in the state that we live in. But my friend was able to get us on a list that let us know if there were extra vaccines being thrown out. It is much better to use them than to lose them, she said! I agreed wholeheartedly and signed us up for the waitlist. Well, the next day, she said she had extra. I told her we would both be there at the end of the day, and my husband refused to go. He said that we needed to “wait our turn” and that we were taking them away from people who needed the vaccine more. I told him that we all need the vaccine and they were just going to be thrown away. Well, we got into a fight about it and I left to get the vaccine alone. When I got there, she was mad at me because he canceled last minute. She could have called another person on the list had I told her. But I explained that I didn’t know he was going to react that way at the last minute. She just mumbled that it was “fine” when we both knew it wasn’t. So now she is annoyed with me, my husband is annoyed with me and I’m annoyed with my husband. How do I get him to see that waiting it out isn’t the best approach if there is a vaccine available?

—VAX ME

DEAR VAX ME: Because this is all uncharted territory, the etiquette surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine is fuzzy at best. I agree with your friend. It is much better that the vaccines get used instead of tossed. So, if you are on a list that can help reduce waste, I’m all for that. Your husband, on the other hand, has  his own philosophy. While I don’t agree with him, I understand where he is coming from. But where this fell apart was the miscommunication around the situation. You never wrote in your letter whether you actually told him you had put his name on the list. Maybe you assumed he would be OK with it, but clearly he wasn’t. If anything, this is a lesson for next time. Instead of answering for both of you, make sure you talk to him about where he stands on an issue before committing him to something he may or may not be willing to participate in. What’s done is done, however. You already apologized to your friend, so I would just move on. Hopefully she doesn’t hold a grudge. In the meantime, sit down and have a conversation with your husband about what happened. Acknowledge that you may have misunderstood his position. I would also reiterate that while you won’t make decisions for him moving forward, you hope that he will reconsider having his name on the list if he can get a vaccine sooner. The sooner we are all vaccinated, the sooner we can enjoy our lives a little more again. It’s a win-win for everyone, but ultimately it is his choice. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am a female senior citizen and my 90+ year old husband and I had a horrible experience in the vegetable aisle as we were shopping in a grocery story recently. A young man, who looked to be in his 30s, started to yell at me accusing me of "cutting him off" in the aisle.  According to my husband -- who was walking behind me as I was walking straight down the aisle -- the man approached on my right and probably expected me to allow him to walk ahead of me.  With my mask and the hood of my coat somewhat blocking my peripheral vision, I honestly didn't even see him. I immediately apologized, but he continued to yell, still accusing me of cutting him off.  It didn't make sense for me to engage an enraged, much larger physically fit man over such a small issue so I apologized again. But I continued to hear his rant to other customers. My husband was frightened and asked "What was that all about?" We quickly left the vegetable aisle without tomatoes. Out of curiosity, I would like to know if I had the right of way? If I were a car traveling straight on a road and a car was driving perpendicular towards me on my right, wouldn't I have the right of way? I hope to never be in this position again but I would like to know proper protocol as it appears as if chivalry is dead.—NO TOMATOES DEAR NO TOMATOES: I’m so sorry this guy was such a jerk to you and your husband at the grocery store. I can’t imagine having that kind of a reaction. Even if you had bumped into him, he didn’t need to respond to you with such anger. The fact that he was so hostile over having to wait in an aisle for an elderly couple to gather tomatoes says a lot more about him than it does about you. I fear that this past year has made us even more isolated, angry and on edge than ever before. I fear that people’s frustrations are running over in uncontrollable ways and they are taking it out on people that they know can’t stand up to them. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t have been verbally attacked in the store. I wish for all of us that we give one another a little more space and grace as we continue to navigate these waters of life during and after this pandemic. We are all in this together and I wish we would start acting like it. A little kindness and patience goes a long way.

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DEAR NATALIE: A few years ago, I hosted a birthday party for my husband at a nice restaurant and invited his four kids, their spouses, and their 9 grown grandchildren; all of whom are heavy drinkers and live out of town. When I was presented with the bill, I was surprised at how expensive it was and got up to question the waiter. As I did, my son-in-law approached me and asked, "How do you like the cost of the wine?" When I searched this charge on the bill, I saw that one bottle of wine cost $400. I'm sure that my face represented my shock and I said to him, "You knew I was paying and you never even offered me a glass of wine." My husband was finally offended last year when we took them to dinner and my 26-year-old step-grandson ordered four bourbons. When he mentioned it to his daughter, she brushed him off and said that he was under a lot of pressure to find a job. For me, the pandemic has been a welcome pause from these types of uncomfortable family visits. His daughter is now trying to set up a visit with us soon. As senior citizens, we have been vaccinated, but our daughter and some at-risk family members on my side have not been vaccinated yet. My husband has told them about our concern, but I am afraid that they will just show up on our doorstep. His kids have done this in the past, calling them “ambush visits.” Is there a way for my husband and I to politely decline to see them if they come to town?  Also, what is the proper way to prevent their exorbitant alcohol charges on the bills when I am paying?

—EMOTIONALLY SPENT

DEAR EMOTIONALLY SPENT: These people sound like vampires, sucking the life out of you both emotionally and financially. I cannot even fathom justifying a $400 bottle of wine, let alone expecting someone else to pay for it. To add insult to injury, the fact that you weren’t even offered a glass is beyond rude. It’s downright hostile. The “ambush visits” that you are concerned about concern me, as well. His family clearly has no sense of boundaries or manners, and I can understand why you would be worried for your physical as well as mental health around them. This comes down to standing your ground, creating boundaries and sticking to them. If you do not feel comfortable with his family visiting  -- and who could blame you considering we are still in a global pandemic -- then you need to assert yourself. Let his kids know that you will not be able to host them for the foreseeable future. If they wish to engage with you or your husband, Zoom will have to suffice for now as you are still wary about visits even after everyone is vaccinated. As far as the dinner bill is concerned, the next time that you have them for dinner, either take them to a restaurant where there aren’t expensive bottles on the menu or order takeout and eat at one of your family member’s homes. Another solution is to go to a restaurant that is BYOB so that they have to bring their own wine if they want to have it with dinner. It creeped me out that your son-in-law said what he said to you about the bottle of wine. It felt incredibly passive aggressive, like he wanted to punish both you and your husband. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our family, but we can limit the type and frequency of engagement. Luckily they live out of town, but if they are causing this much anxiety around even the possibility of a visit, it is time to lay down some boundaries and stick to them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I moved in together due to COVID-19 and things seemed fine for a while. However, lately, she tells me that she wants to see other people. She still wants to live with me and date me -- I have been paying our rent -- but now she wants to date other guys, too. I don’t really want to have this arrangement, and I wonder if she isn’t already seeing someone else. What do I do? —GIRLFRIEND ISSUES

DEAR GIRLFRIEND ISSUES: Your instincts are most likely right on this one. She could definitely be seeing someone already and I would ask her about that directly. If you were interested in an open relationship, that would be one thing. But clearly, you aren’t. It sounds like she wants to continue having you pay her rent while she does whatever she feels like with whomever she wants. You have to make a decision here. Do you accept the terms laid out for you or do you move forward without her? Regardless of your decision, make sure that it factors your feelings into it, too, and not just hers.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am a 58-year-old woman who has been married for a second time for 24 years. I am smart, educated, hard working, attractive and fit. I never had an issue with my appearance since I have always stayed in shape and dressed to impress. So why doesn’t my husband want to have sex with me? In the 24 years of marriage, we have had sex less than 10 times. We have been to counseling twice, but each time after a couple of visits when the lack of sex discussion comes up, he quits going. We have never resolved this issue, as he refuses to accept responsibility. Early in our marriage, he told me that he didn’t like me to initiate sex, so I stopped. Then, sex stopped all together. On our seven-day honeymoon, we didn’t have sex once. I have spent close to $60,000 on plastic surgery thinking I had body imperfections which he found unattractive. I now know better. So my question is this: Why should I stay married? We are good friends and are together all the time, but there is zero intimacy. I feel like his sister instead of his wife. Am I being stupid for wanting out of a marriage for this one reason? Is that enough for me to end a marriage and spend my senior years alone? I can’t even speak to him about this because he becomes furious, and he will not discuss it. What do I do?

—LOOKING FOR LOVE

DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE: Clearly you have reached the end of your patience. It broke my heart to read how much money and energy you have spent trying to “fix” yourself to please him when he clearly isn’t thinking about you in this situation at all. It is fascinating to me that the issue cannot even be discussed. After all of these years, to not have any idea why he is refusing to have sex with you, leads me to believe that this is a deeply rooted issue that perhaps he isn’t fully aware of himself. There could be a few explanations. Perhaps he is having physical issues or has had them for a long time. He may be embarrassed to tell you or to discuss what could be causing them. Perhaps he’s questioning his sexuality. If he’s not ready to admit this to himself or to you, he may be putting up this intimacy wall, instead. Perhaps he’s been having an affair. He could be asexual and not sure how to share that with you. Society has us believing that men always want sex and that women could take it or leave it. These negative and untrue stereotypes are confining and suffocating, not allowing for growth. Whatever is going on, it is something that he’s clearly been grappling with for more than two decades. But enough about him. In fact, it seems like it is always about him. What do you want? The idea of being trapped in a sexless marriage clearly isn’t working for you. You deserve the chance to find someone who can fulfill you on every level. You deserve the opportunity to meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat -- not someone that you refer to as a brother instead of a lover. I am not a big fan of ultimatums, but perhaps the only way to find out what is going on is to put it all on the table. Let him know that you love him and care about him, but that you are incredibly lonely in this marriage. He won’t speak to you about what is bothering him or preventing intimacy, so what choice do you have but to discuss divorce? I’d rather live my life independently and authentically than stay with someone who feels like a stranger to me in many ways. Of course, no one can make that decision for you but yourself, but you have every right to live your life as fully and boldly as you want. If he won’t walk the journey with you, it might be time to forge a new path on your own. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have a great life. I am not going to lie. I have a great husband, two wonderful kids and a job that I love. However, my one friend -- a close friend that I have known for years -- always likes to put negative “doubts” in the air about my life. She says things like, “Oh, your kids may be great now … but just wait until they become teenagers!” or “Your husband stays late at work some nights … doesn’t that make you wonder?” Things like this. They really upset me. How do I tell her to stop meddling in my life and bringing me down all the time? —NEGATIVE NANCY

DEAR NEGATIVE NANCY: These aren’t just self-deprecating statements. These statements aren’t about her life and how she is miserable. These statements are a deliberate attack on your family and your marriage. I would not put up with any of this. Friends are supposed to support each other. We get enough criticism from the outside world. We don’t need our friends making disparaging comments that keep us up at night. If you haven’t asked her for her advice on raising children or marriage, I don’t really know why she feels the need to direct such pointed statements like those at you. It’s mean-spirited, pot-stirring nonsense. The next time she makes a comment like the ones you shared, stop her in that moment and call it out. Say something like: “You know, it really hurts my feelings when you ridicule my family or my marriage. I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from saying negative things about my life when what I really need is a cheerleader.” Perhaps she genuinely didn’t realize that she hurt your feelings. And if she becomes defensive or angry, maybe she needs to feel the weight of those emotions. I wouldn’t shrink yourself to accommodate her insecurities. If she can’t handle being a friend, put some emotional distance between yourself and her. You have a right to protect your space and if she can’t respect your boundaries, you may have to put up some walls.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci