DEAR NATALIE: I have been friends with “Shawn” for years and we have always had a good relationship. Granted, he deals with some mental health stuff that can make him challenging to be around, but overall, we have always had a nice friendship until recently. He has gotten really weird about women and dating. He claims he has been reading a lot of MGTOW articles online and has started spewing some really nasty stuff about how he feels about women and feminism. I care about him, but I really don’t want to support or enable this behavior. How do I tell him how I feel without alienating him further? As one of his few friends — and as a woman — I feel it is my responsibility to pull him back from the cliff. What do you think? -BACK FROM THE BRINK

DEAR BACK FROM THE BRINK: For those that may not know, MGTOW stands for “Men Going Their Own Way” and from what I have read online, it is a space where men are gathering to discuss anti-feminist thought and engage in seriously misogynistic conversations under the guise of men being marginalized by feminism. It isn’t based in fact, but rather in frustration. There are certain places we can’t follow people and this may be one of them. I’m sorry that your friend is deflecting from his own issues and blaming women. I would give him once chance to hear you out and then walk away. While he is entitled to “feel” a certain way, that doesn’t make it true. By perpetuating stereotypes, falsehoods and harmful information, he is setting up more space for women, girls and femmes to be harmed — or worse. Yes, this rhetoric can and does spill over into real life. If he scoffs at that — and considering where he is emotionally he most likely will — you have two choices: You can either try to “fix” him, which you won’t be able to, or you can walk away. It isn’t your responsibility to pull him back from the brink. I would create a hard boundary for yourself and let him know that until he is willing to engage in rational conversation and recognize other perspectives, there really isn’t a space for him in your life. I know he is your friend, but it will be harder and harder to stay friends with him if he starts spewing hatred towards you. Get out of this dynamic while your mental health is intact. Maybe one day he will recognize what he lost and reach out again with a more open mind. 

DEAR NATALIE: My good friend and her boyfriend just split. They had been dating for about four months and things weren’t working out. I think that because of the pandemic, they just weren’t able to spend enough time together and realized they didn’t have enough in common. They mutually agreed to break up. It’s been about three weeks and her ex has been DMing me, saying that he wants to hang out. I think I might like him, too. I asked my friend if she cared, and she said she didn’t. Then I talked to another mutual friend of ours and she said that my friend is mad that I even asked her about her ex. “He should be off limits,” she said to our mutual friend. What do I do? Should I ask my friend about this? She may just lie to me again and say she never said that. I don’t want her harboring resentment towards me. Is this even worth the hassle? —WHAT ARE THE RULES

DEAR WHAT ARE THE RULES: If you asked your friend and she said she didn’t care, it isn’t really fair of her to go behind your back and say that she actually does care. Her behavior is petty and passive aggressive. I would confront this situation if you really like this guy. Ask your friend to just be honest with you. Tell her that you heard from your mutual friend that she really is hurt by you wanting to date her ex. Some people would say, “Always pick friends over boyfriends!” but I think life is a lot more grey. Each situation warrants its own examination instead of just blanket generalizations. If she feels so strongly about this, then she needs to express that to you. Maybe she was just embarrassed that he moved on quickly. Maybe she was a little jealous that it was with you. Perhaps this breakup wasn’t as “mutual” as she told everyone and now is feeling insecure. Give it time and space. If this guy really likes you, can he wait a little longer to let everything calm down around you? Can you respect where she may be coming from and meet her halfway on this? Can you handle the fact that she may not give you her blessing? Weigh this out. What is worth more to you in the end? I can’t tell you what to do, but I would think long and hard about my friendship and whether or not it is worth putting it in jeopardy for a potential romance.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I just got married and my husband and I have radically different spending habits. I am a saver. I always have been. I grew up with very little and watched how my mom was able to pinch pennies to get us through. As an adult with a successful career, I can’t help but have that mindset when it comes to money. My husband grew up financially stable and has a freer attitude with spending. His whole attitude is: “You can’t take it with you.” While I can respect that, it just isn’t the way I live. So, we are at an impasse. The pandemic was hard on us but we both were able to keep our jobs and had to make a few sacrifices along the way. We live together in an apartment and are looking to buy a house. I found one that I really like, but he wants to buy a bigger home. Yes, we can technically afford it, but I would like to live below our means until the remnants of this pandemic are behind us. We have been fighting about it. Our lease is up at the end of the summer, so we really need to make a decision. How do I get him to understand my perspective? I don’t want to be house poor. —LIVE SMALL AND SAVE LARGE

DEAR LIVE SMALL AND SAVE LARGE: While I admire your husband’s appreciation to live life on the financial edge, I can’t help but agree with you on this one. However, there is a compromise here. No one is saying this has to be your forever home. Why not live below your means for now by finding an affordable place that is a good investment to fix up over the next few years. Then, resell and use that cushion to buy the dream house. This gives you time to save your money, invest in a solid property and when you are ready, move on to bigger and better things. The difference here is instant gratification versus long term gain. It sounds as though he is all about satisfying the here and now, while you are looking at the bigger picture and willing to make sacrifices in the short term so that you can reap more benefits in the future. I’m not a financial planner, but it makes sense to me to have more money in the bank during difficult times like now while building towards a future goal. Why not ask him to visit a financial advisor together? Perhaps once he sees that he can have what he wants if he is willing to wait to build up the funds over time, he may be more receptive to seeing the benefits of living below your means. It could mean more vacations in his future, too, if you aren’t throwing all of your money at the mortgage! 

DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged and my partner and I don’t have a lot of money for a wedding. My parents have offered to give us twenty thousand dollars towards the event. I think it seems silly in this economy to spend that on a party. I think we should just buy a house, use it for a down payment and put the rest away. My partner thinks we should have the wedding we want and worry about a house down the road. We both have student loans, too, which is complicating things. Do you think it is irresponsible to spend this money on a party? I just worry that in this economy, it is like throwing money away to have a wedding. How do I convince my partner to think about our future?

—FUTURE PLANS

DEAR FUTURE PLANS: I certainly can’t tell you what to do with that large nest egg your parents are willing to give to you, but if I had my way, I would buy a house. I would buy a house that is a good investment and get married at the courthouse and use a little of that money to throw an intimate dinner party at a nice restaurant afterwards. Then, in a few years, have a bigger anniversary party once you have paid down some of your loans. Why put yourselves in financial stress right out of the gate if you don’t have to? It sounds like your partner is looking to have a lavish celebration, but in the long term, starting your marriage off on the right financial foot will create less stress -- and less cause for arguments -- in the long run. Talk to them about what the future means to you and how investing in your future together will reap bigger dividends down the road.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: Is it wrong to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex for a drink ... and not tell my husband? My old friend from college is coming into town and we want to get together for a drink. I (think) he used to have a crush on me back in the day — and I always thought he was cute — but I am happily married. I would like to see him, but I don’t want to create any waves at home. I was thinking of just going and not mentioning it to my husband. My girlfriend told me this is a bad idea. I don’t know what to do. What do you think? —JUST A DRINK

DEAR JUST A DRINK: I guess the question you have to ask yourself is that if there is nothing between you, then what is the big deal in telling your husband that you are meeting for a casual get together? Maybe switch it to coffee — not a drink — while you’re at it. If you really just want to catch up and reminisce together, I would take it out of the shadows and into the light of day. If you really think your husband would be upset with you, then ask yourself why? Is he a jealous person?  Is this a deeper issue than just meeting a friend? Does he get like this with everyone? Or is this more about the fact that you don’t want to deal with any underlying feelings about your friend from college? Whatever is going on, you need to be honest with yourself. If this has nothing to do with your husband and has more to do with your own emotions, then look at that more closely. It’s OK to fantasize about old relationships or friendships from the past, but you just don’t want to get stuck there. Sometimes, it’s better to see these things for what they are and not through rose-colored glasses. After being cooped up with our spouses, the idea of seeing other people can be exciting post-Covid, but just make sure you aren’t putting expectations on this encounter. Keep it friendly and keep it sober. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to Covid. While he and my mother had a challenging relationship at times, they were married for thirty-four years. Well, my mom has already started dating. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. That was almost three weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here? —STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: Grief is a very personal journey. I have read that when people who were in happy relationships lose their partner, they can be quick to move onto another to recreate that experience. Perhaps your mom is feeling this way. Perhaps she doesn’t like to be alone. Maybe dealing in silence with her grief is too much and she needs a distraction. Maybe she wasn’t as happy as you perceived her to be and she feels as though she has a new lease on life. Coupling all of that with the fact that Covid took so many lives this past year in the United States alone, it is no wonder that people are acting out. Our collective grief for so many things we have lost along with her personal grief may be making her feel out of sorts. Instead of judging her, why not ask her what she needs. In fact, what do you need? Your anger could be  misdirected at your mom when in fact you may be really angry over the death of your father. Anger is completely normal and reasonable to feel when grieving. You may want to consult with a therapist to help work through some of these difficult and layered emotions. In the meantime, call your mom. Tell her how you feel. Let her know that you love her and that you miss your dad. It is OK to feel two things at once. You can want your mom to be happy and also be sad that she is moving forward. It doesn’t mean she has forgotten your dad or loves him any less. She just may need different things than you need during this process. You can hold both in sacredness.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci