Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother was in her mid-to-late 40s when she had me. This age is a little older than some of my friends' mothers, while much older than others. When I was in school, it'd be a topic of comparison, but now that I am an adult, age doesn't get mentioned much. My mother is now facing health issues associated with old age, and if I ever discuss this, everyone assumes our mothers are the same age and lament about how she's too young to be going through something like arthritis or hypertension. I change the subject whenever people express their sympathy about her health issues. I never know what to say, because although she is older, it isn't always a justification for the health problems she is facing. Would it be rude of me to tell people that my mother is older than they're probably expecting? I am not sure if it would be disrespectful to my mother. -- Hush-Hush About Age, Salt Lake City

DEAR HUSH-HUSH ABOUT AGE: Rather than revealing your mother's age, you may want to stop talking about her ailments. Unless she has told you it's OK to go into detail about her health -- or she tells them herself -- it is not your place to tell your friends about your mother's ailments. That is her personal business. Instead, you can be generic in your responses.

You are right that people suffer various illnesses at different stages in life, and also based on their own personal health. There may be younger people suffering in a number of ways as well. When it comes to health issues, I consider them private and personal. If the person experiencing them chooses to share, that's fine. Otherwise, keep your mother's health matters to yourself. When asked how is she doing, choose something positive to share, and leave it at that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids are all moved out of the nest. I am in my 50s now, and I don't think my children respect that the house is now my private space. They do not have the keys to the house anymore, to my knowledge, but I will come home to find them and my grandkids playing in my backyard or using the open back entrance to come inside my home. I received an email from my eldest daughter saying she will be throwing a birthday party on my property soon! I love all of my babies, but they all have their own places now. I do not want to scare them away from my home, but I want them to respect that although they used to live here, this is now my private space. How can I ask everyone to respect my privacy without scaring them off? -- Boundary Lines, Birmingham, Alabama

DEAR BOUNDARY LINES: You have not made the rules clear to them. Tell your children that you love for them to visit -- but not without an invitation. Tell them you expect them to respect your property, which means not coming in without asking in advance, and certainly not planning a party without your blessing. Remind them that they have their own homes where they have free reign, but that freedom does not extend to yours.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! I want to take a moment to pause at this sacred time of year and offer my gratitude to all of you for your support and love this year and throughout the many years that I have been writing this column. I feel blessed to be connected to a national network of people who care about treating their family members, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors and even strangers with respect.

There is so much unrest in the world, and it is important for us to focus on being kind and thoughtful to others. During the holidays, a number of things can and do happen. People travel to be with family and loved ones. People enjoy rekindling relationships. And commonly, little moments of friction arise. They come out of corners that we may not have even noticed were there. Anything from jealousy to old frustrations to doubts and fears that linger in the recesses of our thoughts tend to emerge during what is supposed to be a time of great joy.

I want to ask all of us to hold onto the experience of joy and wonder as we navigate each day. When tough encounters come up, let's look for the goodness in them. When frustrations mount, let's access patience and compassion. When old behaviors threaten to consume us, let's remember that we are not living in the past, but are firmly rooted in the present.

We have the ability to direct our thoughts, words and steps. We have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and to treat our world and all who inhabit it with respect. I take that responsibility very seriously.

When I think about the atrocities that have been occurring on a daily basis in our neighborhoods and throughout our world, I shudder at the recognition that it is people just like us who have soured to the goodness of humankind who are acting out these horrific crimes. When I think again, I recognize that in the same way it is people like us -- indeed, it is we who can and must lead by example and bring the light into the dark corners. Through our own efforts to bring goodness into our day, we can inspire others to do the same. Having faith in each other and in the greatness that resides in all of us is part of being a member of a living, breathing, honorable society.

I believe that if we want our world to be safe and prosperous, we must see it through that lens and live with that goal in mind. In the spirit of Christ who lived as a beacon of God's love and vision for humankind, let us walk with dignity and respect. Whether you are Christian or practice any other religion, I invite you to recognize that a core message of this day's celebration is that we should all honor each other -- no matter our station in life. We are all God's children. And we all deserve to be loved. Let us claim love so fiercely that it becomes stronger than the negativity that is challenging us right now. We can do it! Indeed, we must. -- Harriette

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: To protect our health after the World Health Organization classified bacon as carcinogenic as asbestos and cigarettes, my wife is dead set against buying any more bacon. I love bacon -- plus all meat! -- and don't want to give up bacon or sausages. I think everything is now on some danger list, and doing too much of anything can kill you. I do not cook or do the grocery shopping for the house, so I need to figure out how to create a compromise between us. I could buy bacon on the way home from work and hope that she'll cook it in the morning, but I think trying to find a level playing field for processed meat is the best option. My wife is stubborn, so I know I won't be forcing my opinion on her successfully. I have not heard of any other bacon bans in households, and I think this is an overreaction. What could I say to my wife to persuade her to allow bacon back into our lives? -- Bring Home the Bacon, Atlanta

DEAR BRING HOME THE BACON: Your wife is trying to save your life -- and preserve the health of the family. Of course it is hard to give up something that you love to eat. But trust that the WHO didn't make this pronouncement without careful consideration. Indeed, its advisement includes eliminating or at least limiting all processed meats.

I'm sorry, but I can't make a suggestion for why you should convince your wife to continue to cook bacon. I can say that if you want to fulfill that urge every now and again, you can get yourself a sandwich with bacon from a deli. Best, though, to let it go!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have squirrels in our attic. We are conflicted on how to deal with them. I am OK with an exterminator coming in and dealing with the squirrels however he pleases. My wife thinks the squirrels are seasonal and will leave on their own account. I do not know what diseases these squirrels carry, and I think that these intruders need to be trapped and removed. However, my wife thinks this will traumatize the squirrels because most of them hibernate for the winter. I don't have this level of sympathy for the animals and think they need to leave. My wife may be an animal lover, but hearing footsteps from the attic freaks me out. Should I respect her wishes for the squirrels or call someone to get them out now? -- Squirreling Away, Easthampton, New York

DEAR SQUIRRELING AWAY: I strongly recommend that you talk to an exterminator, if only to find out options. A friend of mine recently had raccoons in his roof. Not only was the sound annoying, but in pretty rapid time, the raccoons dug holes into the roof. You and your wife need to think about preserving your property first. There may be a way to lure the animals out of your attic without killing them. Talk to the professionals to see. But compromising your roof and attic should not be the price of your compassion for the animals. Your house is not their house.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)