Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have married into a kooky family. For the most part, we all get along well. We do not share the same political views, though. In the past few years, things have gotten contentious from time to time, with some family members falling hard on the right and others falling equally hard on the left. There seems to be no middle ground.

At Thanksgiving, things got kind of heated when a big discussion started about the sexual assault allegations against so many powerful men. Like clockwork, people took sides. It was upsetting to see that politics seemed more important than these real issues of women -- and sometimes men -- being victimized by these men. I got so upset. We weren’t able to talk about the nuances of the issue because family members instantly sided with whoever they felt represented their general interests rather than the glaring issue in front of us.

How can I encourage us to talk openly and honestly about such an important topic without having the response be that people just toe the so-called party line? I think this is an important topic that we should try to address -- especially since we all have teenage children. -- Learning to Talk, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR LEARNING TO TALK: Start with your immediate family, particularly your children. Ask your teenagers what they think is appropriate behavior and what crosses the line. Encourage them to talk about their fears and concerns about how people approach them. Get them to express their thoughts openly so that you can support them in learning how to walk away from inappropriate behavior. Tell them they can always tell you the truth and you will support them.

In terms of the rest of your family, suggest the same thing. Rather than getting caught up in what other people have done, suggest that they talk to their own children about how to protect themselves from sexual predators. This issue is vital to your children’s safety. Ask the adults to take a step back from their political beliefs and think about their children. That should help clear the path to meaningful conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 10-year-old son came home from school spouting expletives like he was reciting a school play. I was shocked. We do not curse at home, and he knows that. I asked him where he heard this language, and he shrugged me off without answering. I let him know that he would be punished if he cursed again, but I want to get to the bottom of it. Clearly, he heard someone cursing, and I’m thinking it was at school. Should I speak to his teacher, or just continue to work with him on what he is allowed to say? -- Ending Profanity, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

DEAR ENDING PROFANITY: There are so many places where one can hear profanity these days that it may be impossible to pinpoint the origin of your son’s inspiration. Simply walking down the street, he can hear adults and teens cursing at each other.

Manage this one-on-one. Let him know the consequences of cursing. Remind him that he is not to do it, even if his friends do. Let him know what these words mean and how hurtful it can be when you use them. If his cursing escalates, then speak to his teacher.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My immediate family and I spent Thanksgiving with our extended family, as we always do. This year, my teenage son was spending time with his older cousins, and they hung out at stores participating in Black Friday sales until very late at night. I was nervous about this, as one of the older cousins has found himself in trouble over the years.

I couldn’t sleep until my son got home. I asked about all that they did, but I didn’t get much information. It seems like all went well, but I’m worried about how to protect my son but also allow him to spend time with his cousins. I know they love each other, and I want them to be close. I do not want my son to pick up any of their bad habits, though. -- SOS, Miami

DEAR SOS: You have to get clear on what you are willing to allow your son to do and where you have to draw the line. Safety is essential, of course, but, as you said, you also want to create an environment where your son gets to know his family. Your job is to teach your son and remind him of your values. Be open with him about the kinds of challenges that many young people face, especially regarding peer pressure -- especially when it involves family. Tell your son he should pay attention to what people say and do, including his cousins. Point out clues that may suggest that a group may be making a bad decision. This includes underage drinking, drug use, shoplifting and even being too forward with young ladies.

Teach your son to always have enough money to get home when he is out and about with others. He should be able to walk away from a potentially dangerous situation before it escalates if he has the ability either to drive away or call for help.

If you think it’s important, tell him what his cousin has done in the past so that he does not idolize this person. Make it clear that you aren’t trying to malign the cousin’s name, but you want your son’s eyes to be wide open.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother recently turned 80 years old. She is a spry woman with a lot of vitality, and she sometimes acts like she is 15 years younger than she is. I like that on one level. What I don’t like is that she doesn’t feel like she has to check in with me or my brother when she is out and about. Never mind she taught us to always call her if we take a trip to let her know we got there safely. I don’t mean just when we were kids. She expects us to stay in touch with her, but she seems to resent us wanting the same from her. How can we impress upon her the importance of staying connected without pointing out the obvious, her advanced age? -- Looking out for Mama, Detroit

DEAR LOOKING OUT FOR MAMA: Give your mother a taste of her own medicine. Remind her of her expectations for you. Tell her you want the same in return. You are all concerned about each other’s well-being. Point out how grateful you are that she is youthful and independent. Ask her to share her whereabouts so that you all stay in the loop. Consider signing up to the app Life360, which uses GPS to track each other.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Years ago, my husband and I got into a series of nasty arguments, and while we stayed together, we retreated to different parts of the house and stopped being intimate.

We now have a much nicer relationship. We tried to be intimate recently, and it didn’t work. It was on me; it wouldn’t work. When I went for my annual gynecological visit, my doctor told me what I already know -- things are pretty tight down there. I didn’t dare ask him what to do because I was way too embarrassed. But I don’t know what to do. I want to be intimate with my husband again, but I don't know how. -- Resuming Intimacy, Atlanta

DEAR RESUMING INTIMACY: It turns out that many couples go through periods of abstinence, for a wide variety of reasons. Depending on the length of time, it can be difficult to reconnect. Emotional distance can create a divide that’s hard to close. Additionally, women’s bodies can become less receptive and literally smaller, making it difficult to be intimate. You may need to speak to your doctor to get suggestions and even medical support to get to the place where you can comfortably receive your husband. Some men find that they experience erectile dysfunction due to age, health or even longtime abstinence, so a doctor’s visit may be helpful for both of you.

Given that there were emotional reasons that shut you two down years ago, you should also talk. Work on communicating about your life and what you want now. Consider going to therapy together, a couple's retreat or some other type of engagement that may foster positive vibes between you. Read more here: mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/expert-answers/sex/faq-20058523 and aarp.org/home-family/sex-intimacy/info-12-2012/couples-having-sex-again.html.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son graduated from college a couple of years ago, and has had difficulty finding the right job fit. He did well in college and has been looking hard, but he has found only odd jobs. My wife and I have let him move back home for a while with the understanding that he needs to get his life together, but we are battling over how to manage this. I think my son should pay rent of some amount so that he begins to accept responsibility for his life. I also think he should participate in household chores. He does none of this right now. My wife is far more doting. She lets him get away with anything.

How can we draw the line? I need my son to step up and be responsible -- for his own good. -- Parenting an Adult Child, Columbus, Ohio

DEAR PARENTING AN ADULT CHILD: You and your wife need to be on the same page. Talk to her about your belief that your son should learn responsibility. Suggest that he pay a small rent. You can put it in an account that you give to him at the end of his stay. That could even help him with a deposit on his own place. Point out that doing chores and participating in household duties is a part of life. He should not get a pass. When you win over your wife, you can approach your son.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)