Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A woman I knew professionally and have been peripherally connected to over the years died suddenly. She leaves behind several children and plenty of friends. I feel horrible about it. Though we were not close, I am sad. Part of this may be the shock of a woman under 50 dying of unknown causes. It definitely makes me question my own life expectancy. But also, I realize how I “know” more people through social media than through actually being in touch. I don’t know that this woman would have ever been my actual friend, but I do think that I rely on the internet and texting more than I should. I have plenty of true friends whose voices I haven’t heard for years. We stay connected electronically. -- Something's Wrong With This Picture, Atlanta

DEAR SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE: Death, even that of someone you don’t know well (or at all), can trigger all kinds of emotions. The permanence of loss can hit hard. Death has a way of inspiring people to think about their own lives and to assess if they are making the wisest choices.

In the case of this woman’s untimely passing, clearly it has affected you deeply. I recommend sitting with the thoughts that have come up for you and considering how you might adjust your ways of communicating with others moving forward to make for more meaningful engagement. Schedule appointments to be face-to-face with people you care about. Go on social media fasts, where you avoid all virtual engagement. Choose to see someone you care about in person at least once a month. These measures and more can help you to become more immediately connected to people themselves, not their avatars or social media handles.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father died a few years ago on Christmas Day. We had just enjoyed a lovely family breakfast, and he passed away in his easy chair. I loved my father so much, and I miss him every day. It is hard for me to enjoy the holidays as much these days because they always remind me of my loss. How can I cultivate a better attitude? My dad lived to be 90 years old. He had a great life, but my grief remains. -- Grief During Christmas, Larchmont, New York

DEAR GRIEF DURING CHRISTMAS: Grief can take many years to pass through survivors. It is natural for you to remember your father at Christmas and to have mixed feelings about the season. One way to boost your spirits could be to do something my mother taught me: Count your blessings. In this case, you can focus your recollection of blessings on your relationship with your father and on his full life. Recount out loud and write down the type of man he was, what he meant to you, what dreams he fulfilled, how he found joy, all of the good things you can remember, etc. This will sweeten your memories of him and help to ease the pain. Feel free to talk about your father with loved ones. Yes, he is physically gone, but you should ensure that his memory lives on in your family.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my recently separated friends enjoys hosting get-togethers at his place. They end up being more like singles mixers, which is pretty cool. I invited one of my girlfriends to introduce her to one of his friends. She’s looking to settle down, and so is he. These two have a lot in common, so I thought they would be a great couple. I introduced them, and the guy was wowed. She, on the other hand, said nothing other than that he was a nice guy. She didn’t seem interested, so I left it alone.

A few months later, my friend came to me and said, “What’s up with your homeboy?” I had no idea what she was talking about. She explained that she had taken an interest in my friend, the party host. That wasn’t the plan; he’s always been too into the ladies, which is probably why he’s heading toward a divorce.

Now my friend is coming to me asking about him. Not only is she asking questions about him, she is also badmouthing him at the same time. I find it hard to trust her; apparently she was sneaking around with him. The fact that she is now trying to attack his character is pretty horrible. We’ve never been close, so I’m wondering if it is worth it to keep a friend like this. -- Not My Friend, Riverdale, New York

DEAR NOT MY FRIEND: Don’t automatically dump this woman as your friend. Instead, check her on her behavior. Tell her that you never intended to connect her and the party host because you don’t consider him dating material -- at least not right now. But point out that he is your friend. Ask your girlfriend to resist the temptation to talk badly about him, at least to you. He is your friend, and you accept him for who he is, flaws and all. If she can’t handle his behavior, suggest that she stop trying to date him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I have never been close. I’ve worried that after our mother dies, he may leave my life completely. When we do talk, he is often rude or caustic.

Recently, he has been really nice and complimentary. He has been consistent with this new-found kindness. Should I trust it? I usually keep our conversations brief, but if he is now going to be friendly, I am willing to try to connect better with him. -- Should I Trust Him?, Dallas

DEAR SHOULD I TRUST HIM?: What do you have to lose? Go for it. Encourage your brother’s active participation in your family. Match his kind words and gestures with your own. Whatever has occurred to inspire him to be family-focused is great. Build on that. No need to ask why, either. Just be in the moment and enjoy your brother’s presence. Be grateful for this turn of events that creates space for meaningful connection among family members at this stage in your lives.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin seems to put a lot of energy into pyramid schemes. I’ve reached the point where I avoid him because he’s always pushing someone else’s product. Don’t get me wrong -- I’m all for entrepreneurs, but these schemes aren’t even his ideas. They are just get-rich-quick schemes sold to him. Every year, it’s a different story, everything from gold to hemp. He’s a pretty creative guy, and I would like to know how can I push him to come up with his own ideas and invest in himself? -- No More Pyramid Schemes, Detroit

DEAR NO MORE PYRAMID SCHEMES: Do your best to have compassion for your cousin. Yes, he seems to be caught up in what have turned out to be bad ideas, but pyramid schemes do not work for long. Now that you know his M.O., don’t fall prey to him again. Next time he approaches you with something suspicious, immediately express your concerns. Make it known that you do not approve of this idea. Tell him you think any business idea should be vetted by more than your cousin and his boys. Point out that your apprehension should be appealing to him, too, as it may save everybody money.

Suggest to your cousin that if he considers ideas that are not hinged on other people’s dreams without benefit of due diligence to determine their value, he may have a better chance at success.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my colleagues has a habit of not CC'ing me on important emails because he feels threatened about his job. He has been with the company a little longer than I have, but I have no interest in his job. However, I have a feeling the company wants me to be this person’s backup. It makes sense because, should he leave, the company will have no idea what’s going on in that position. How can I make it clear I need the emails and at the same time make this guy comfortable because I have no interest in his job? -- Just Doing My Job, Sausalito, California

DEAR JUST DOING MY JOB: You mention something curious -- if this man leaves, the job information will be missing. Do you or your company believe this man is likely to leave? If that is so, your boss needs to handle this man and his communications carefully.

Be direct with your co-worker. Tell him that you simply want to do your job, and that requires you to have copies of his emails. State clearly that you are not interested in his job. You want to do yours, and you need his participation in order to do so. If he refuses to comply, you will need to let your supervisor know because you could easily miss an important communication that you are supposed to be aware of. If you are to monitor information, you have to have access to all of the data required to do your job. Get your boss to support you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)