Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Mikaela, is about 11 years old. Unfortunately, she’s on the receiving end of some bullying. It’s the social kind that girls are especially guilty of: backhanded comments and passive aggression. Even worse, Mikaela doesn’t see the connection between what these girls are doing and how her self-esteem is plummeting. How do I give her a clue without making her feel worse? – Lizzie

Dear Lizzie: Relational aggression – using manipulation to harm others’ relationships or social status – is a particularly tricky form of bullying. Relational aggression is often covert: it shows up in subtle behaviors. These behaviors can be anything from withdrawing attention to outright exclusion, among a ton of other things. Many times, bullies will use flattery or sparse kindness to keep someone on the hook. Anytime Mikaela gets a morsel of attention, she’s probably scrambling for the crumbs. This gives her bullies all of the control and probably leaves Mikaela feeling very confused.

First, educate Mikaela and help Mikaela educate herself. We’re sure you’ve heard the term “gaslighting,” but Mikaela probably hasn’t. The terminology isn’t important, but the concept is. Mikaela needs to understand that most manipulations aren’t obvious, or even visible on the surface. But, if you look at what people are doing (or aren’t doing), their intentions become clearer.

Use examples from Mikaela’s own experiences to illustrate social nuances, like backhanded compliments, and why both content and tone matter in communication. For example, let’s say that one of the bullies told Mikaela, “It’s awesome that you made the swim team, but they take pretty much everyone.” You can ask Mikaela: Is this a real compliment? If she isn’t sure, explain that the compliment was followed by an insult, to make sure that the compliment didn’t count.

Help Mikaela start to identify how others make her feel. While this isn’t a foolproof tactic, our gut often lets us know that we’re being manipulated before our logical mind catches up. A good rule of thumb: If Mikaela feels worse after spending time with someone than she did before, something is probably off in that friendship.

Help Mikaela boost her own self-esteem. Start by showing Mikaela how to separate others’ opinions from her own self-perception. You can even make a game of it: Have Mikaela think of at least one popular opinion she disagrees with. For example, maybe there’s TV show that everyone seems to love that Mikaela doesn’t like. Remind Mikaela of her worth and make sure that she knows what kind of behavior she can (and should) expect from true friends. Finally, Mikaela should repeat a list of a few of her best attributes to herself twice a day, every day. For example, while looking in a mirror, Mikaela might say, “I am smart, caring funny, and beautiful.” This self-praise should become a daily mantra!

Say This: “Mikaela, I know you’re having a hard time and I’m really sorry about that. We’re going to talk about what’s going on and what to do about it. To start, let’s sort through the details, so we can get a better sense of the full picture. Do you know what a backhanded compliment is? If not, I’ll explain.”

Not That: “They’re not your real friends. Don’t listen to them!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m 21 years old and in the middle of my second spring semester. When it comes to managing all of my adult responsibilities – from school to work to my social life – I feel like I’m constantly struggling. I know everyone my age has got a lot going on, but it’s seriously starting to feel impossible. I love my major, but my classes are so demanding. I rarely have time to see my friends anymore. How do I know if what I’m trying to do is unrealistic? And if it is too hard, what do I even do about it? - Robin

Dear Robin: Here’s an easy way to look at it: If a situation or responsibility places demand on you that exceeds your physical, emotional, or practical ability to manage it, then it’s, “too hard.” Unfortunately, this doesn’t make it avoidable or escapable. As you know, the going gets tough in adult life. That means it’s time to get going.

First, find your Achilles heel. The best way to compensate for your areas of weakness is to acquaint yourself with them. It can be hard to confront your biggest difficulties and frustrations, but it’s the only way to be truly prepared for anything. You may know what your hardest course is, but think bigger than that. Do you have a hard time getting organized? Are you a procrastinator? Do you feel uncomfortable introducing yourself when you need to? Figure out which skills need more work and you can win, even when you can’t play to your strengths. Plus, if you know your own weaknesses, you won’t be phased or surprised if someone else points them out.

Fight back. Just because something feels insurmountable, doesn’t mean that it has to be. Don’t settle on struggling; set a standard for your experience. Figure out what it is you need to be successful — whether that’s information, clarity, tutoring, or time — then take the necessary steps to get it. Even steep learning curves can be trekked.

Finally, don’t be afraid to say you don’t know. Pretending you’ve got it all together when you don’t is no better than quitting. If you tell everyone you’re fine, they’ll mistake your difficulties for disinterest. Have the courage to say you’re stuck and ask the questions you need to.

Say This (To your professors): “I found myself confused by the material presented in class today and wanted to reach out to you. I’m going to stop by your office hours this week, but in the meantime, could you point me to some helpful resources or practice problems? Thank you in advance.”

Not That: “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Ellie, is 16. She does well in school, she’s got a nice group of friends, and as far as I know, she’s happy. The problem is, I can’t get her to talk to me about anything. When I try to talk to her, she always seems preoccupied. When Ellie does answer my questions, I can only get one or two words out of her. How can I get her to really open up? - Nadine

Dear Nadine: As you can imagine, you’re not alone in this. Every parent of a teenager we’ve ever worked with has had this same question. Fortunately, we have answers.

First things first: If you’re treating conversation like a chore, Ellie is going to sense that. We can’t help but notice that you equated making conversation with, “asking (your) questions.” A lot of parents try to learn what’s going on in their teens lives via interrogation. Ellie can tell when you’re mining for information. While you want (and need) to know what’s going on in your daughter’s life, it’s important that she feels your interest in her is relational, not just practical. Start conversations by sharing something you did, read, saw, or thought of, and then ask for her opinion. This keeps the focus (and pressure) off of her, and will make conversation more conversational.

We have to ask: When are you trying to talk to Ellie? If your goal is to have a stimulating conversation, you have to choose the right moment. For example, if you’re trying to broach a big conversation during the morning rush on a weekday, you’re probably not going to get very far. Make conversation when there’s time and space to do it, like when you’re on the way to school together, or a few minutes after she gets home.

Give her space, but not too much. If you’re interrupting Ellie’s scrolling every time she picks up her phone, she’s going to get annoyed and shut down pretty quickly. With that said, Ellie owes you her time and attention, and needs to make room for conversation. Keep things unambiguous and set clear expectations. For example, if Ellie is on Instagram and you need to talk, you can say, “I need your attention for 5 minutes,” or, “When you’re done, please put the phone down so we can chat for a bit.” Make sure her phone really is down before you start, and if she picks it up again, don’t hesitate to reel her back in. Lastly, when you do have your daughter’s attention, don’t forget to enjoy her company!

Say This: “I read a really interesting article this week in the New York Times science section. A doctor discovered that a pregnant woman is carrying twins who aren’t identical or fraternal. One is a boy and one is a girl, but they’re sharing the same placenta, which never happens! The doctors are stumped. What do you think about that?”

Not That: “Did you have a good day at school?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION