Dear Ilana and Jess: Whenever I disagree with my daughter, she launches a full-blown shouting match. How can I prevent things from blowing up so quickly? – Charles

Dear Charles: First things first; you’re the parent, right? That means you take the lead in setting the tone and boundaries.

If your daughter is at the point of screaming, your first move is to disengage. You can do that by saying this: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.” To make sure the message sticks, walk out of the room. Set a timer on your phone or watch and relocate your daughter when the 10 minutes are up. You can restart the conversation by guiding her directly: “Okay, let’s restart. I want you to tell me in a conversational voice what’s bothering you.” If your daughter seems flustered, you can give her the language she needs to express herself. For example: “It’s clear that you’re angry with me because I said no to the party this weekend. You can say to me directly, ‘Dad, I’m really mad that you said, ‘no.’ The party is going to be fun and a lot of my friends are going.’ Then, I’d be happy to talk more about why the answer is, ‘no,’ and see if we can come up with some alternatives.”

If your daughter begins screaming again, the process repeats. After two or three attempts, you may need to dissolve the conversation entirely. To do that, say this: “It’s clear that this topic is still too emotional. We’ll try again tomorrow.” While your daughter may not like this response, you’re teaching her what is and is not acceptable communication. Boundaries are often resisted, but they’re in place for a reason.

Finally, remember that not every grievance warrants a discussion. Sometimes, the answer is just, “no.”

Say This: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.”

Not That: Any response involving shouting back.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My 13-year-old daughter gets overwhelmed easily and I want to help her. What can I say that will be useful in the moment? – Josephine

Dear Josephine: When someone is escalated, they first have to de-escalate before you can come in with facts or reason. A common mistake (well-meaning) parents often make is to downplay the worry or explain it away. Start by directing your daughter to pause and take a deep breath. This will help ease her emotional reactivity and reset for a productive conversation.

Next, help your daughter identify what’s bothering her. Sometimes, just giving her the language to say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed,” can be very helpful. For example, if your daughter is saying, “I can’t do this,” replacing that phrase with, “I don’t know where to begin,” helps reframe the problem in a way that lends itself to a solution.

Finally, help your daughter outline the best next step. Go too many steps ahead and you may overwhelm her further. Try your best to take things one at a time and to help her do the same. For example, let’s say that your daughter is confused by the directions for her book report. Step one might be having her email her teacher to ask specific, clarifying questions. If that’s not feasible, she might contact a classmate. Once this step has been fulfilled, ask your daughter: “Now that you have the information, what can you do next?” If she’s unsure, help guide her: “Why don’t we break apart these instructions and you’ll fulfill one component of the assignment at a time. If you have a question about it, you can reference the email/your friend’s text.”

Remember, the best thing you can do for your daughter is teach her how to solve her own problems.

Say This: “Let’s take a deep breath. Good, now that we’ve done that, let’s take this problem apart piece by piece. It seems like you’re really overwhelmed by this project. So, I want you to start by saying, ‘I’m really overwhelmed by this assignment.’ Next, we’ll figure out one step you can take to help address this problem.”

Not That: “It’ll all work out.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids want to look cool as they head back into school, but there are limits to what we can afford. How can I help them look their best without breaking the bank?

Dear Milo: We get variations of your question a lot. Thankfully, there’s plenty you can do to help your kids look (and feel) cool.

Start by guiding your kids to review their stock. Go through what they have to see what they actually need before you buy something new. Do they have 8 blue shirts? 100 t-shirts, but none of them work for a dressier occasion? 3 pairs of the same shoes? Know what they could use more or less of to help avoid buying more things that they’ll never wear (or even take the tag off of).

Stick to staples. Buy items that the kids can use time and time again, and mix and match with other items in their closet. Get tops and bottoms of similar styles and color combinations, so that they can coordinate them together easily. This maximizes the potential for variety in their wardrobe.

Go for quality over quantity. While it might be tempting to buy 10 shirts for the price of one, in the long run, the kids will probably get much more use out of one shirt that’s well-made. Plus, splurging on one, special item can help elevate a whole look (or wardrobe). Check the seams before you buy: they should be straight, neat, and should not look like they’ll fall apart as soon as you tug your sleeve. Try to stick to natural blends and fibers, because these materials will last longer.

Set a budget. Give your kids a spending limit and stick to it. If you’re going shopping, leave the plastic at home. Instead, bring a predetermined amount of cash so that you spend no more than you planned to. This will help the kids be decisive in-the-moment; they’ll learn to ask themselves; “Is this really worth the money?”

Shop at the right places and the right time. Vintage shopping can lead you to some great finds that take it easy on your wallet. If vintage stores aren’t commonplace in your area, try to stick to stores that have affordable options, or better yet, sales. If big expenses like the Apple Watch are on your list, see if you can get pre-used or older versions of those products. Just make sure you trust the seller and be sure to check the return policy.

Say This: “We’re going to be strategic about our shopping this year. First, let’s take stock of your closet and figure out what you do and don’t need. You can choose how you’d like to spend the money within the budget I give you; so think about some pieces you might want!”

Not That: “Don’t get too excited. We can only afford so much.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION