DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a fifteen year old, 5′ 11″, ~150 pound male. I guess you could say I am an introvert who can be extraverted when necessary. I’m not afraid to walk up and talk to someone new. I do have an unusual set of hobbies, though. Bike Riding, Computer Science (Linux, specifically) and Swimming. I have every intention and the passion to pursue IT as my career field. I currently write technology tutorials for a leading cloud hosting company based in New York City. At any rate, I could really use your help keeping my emotional sanity.

I was introduced to the concept of “dating” in my first year of Middle School, resulting in a huge crush and a heartbreak shortly there after. Ever since then, I have been at battle with a vicious cat-and-mouse cycle of crushes, short-lived relationships, heartbreak and (surprisingly severe) depression.

I just moved to a bigger high-school last year, and I decided I was going to put in honest effort into finding a new girlfriend, since my latest ex turned into a never-shortening long distance relationship. (We were together for six months, and was a fairly stable and healthy “relationship.” it saddened me a great deal when I realized we weren’t going anywhere because of the distance and had to break it off…) I have pursued a few girls, but I guess I haven’t gotten lucky yet. I’ve found out they either (a) currently have boyfriends, (b) are getting over a breakup (but flirt with other guys while rejecting me at the same time) or (c) thought I was “following them around” when I was simply trying to converse with them.

I’ve read over some of your articles and I think you hit the nail on the head with many of your suggestions. The issue is, I can’t seen to control my emotions to implement the suggestions. I could tell myself, “You have to take a deep breath and let it go,” all night long, but when I have to sit behind said girl that rejected me in class the next morning my brain falls into “depressed, rejected one one will ever like you… ever” mode.

What should I do about this? This is the second or third time my emotions have overloaded me so much that I can’t function properly at school or around anyone somewhat attractive.

PS This probably sounds weird coming from a fifteen year old. I realize that. I state things the way I see it… maybe someday I will look back and realize my stupidity.

Young Blood

DEAR YOUNG BLOOD: I’m just gonna preface this by saying that you’re not going to like my advice YB but… your problem is that you’re 15.  

You’re in the middle of adolescence, with all of your hormones raging like a tiger in a cage, your brain chemistry is all out of whack and every single cell in your body is screaming “GET OUT THERE AND BANG SOMEONE!!!!” Meanwhile, you’re stuck on this weird and infuriating precipice where you feel like you’ve got the world figured out and nobody seems to quite understand what you’re trying to say but at the same time nothing seems to quite go the way you think they should. And with your brains, you’re probably feeling especially frustrated as you’ve got one foot in the real world (I mean, dude, if you’re doing tutorials on a professional level, that’s pretty damn impressive) and one foot stuck in the weird purgatory that is high-school where nothing seems to make sense and people all value the wrong things.

Throw all of that on top of the bulls

t and frustration that is dating (doubled when it’s dating in high-school) then yeah, I’m not surprised you’re having these intense emotions. You’re basically the emotional equivalent of the Tower of Terror – occasional moments of stability followed by plunging to the depths, rising back up again only to be dropped even faster this time.

The problem is: a lot of this s

t is kind of out of your control. It’s in your head and I mean that literally – it’s all the chemicals and hormones surging around as you transition into adulthood. You’re feeling everything so intensely because in a lot of ways, this is how we learn to handle all of this. You get flooded with all these sensations and emotions and Nature is saying “swim or die, motherf

ker,” and you have to learn how to roll with it. And you will. And as you get older and get more perspective, you’ll realize that yeah, it all kinda sucked and some of it really did suck as much as you think it does now but most of it really didn’t and yeah, you’ll look back and laugh at all the things you thought were earth-shattering and cataclysmic.

The problem that all teenagers have — I had it, my readers had it, you’ll realize you’ve had it – is that when you’re 15 it’s really goddamned hard to maintain a sense of perspective about this. It all just feels so goddamn intense.

And ultimately, the biggest thing that’s going to make a difference is time. You just need to recognize that ultimately, you’re ok. Before you realize it, you’ll look back on all of this and realize how unimportant and silly it was.

Of course, I realize that’s not terribly helpful in the short-term, so I want to give you some practical advice that’ll help you make it through all this bulls

t and come out a better person on the other side. The best thing you can do right now is to work on your future – and I don’t mean college or your career, I mean your future. As in: you you’re going to be.

People aren’t kidding when they talk about your formative years; the skills you learn in high-school are the ones that’ll form the base of everything you do in the rest of your life. You are in a position to craft your future – and not just your far-flung future, but your within-the-next-four-years future – in a way that will help guarantee that your life is going to be goddamn amazing. I’ve written a guide about how to survive high-school that you should check out, but I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes:

1) Learn how to talk to people. Not just girls: everyone. You’re planning on going into IT, a career that – let’s be honest – has a reputation for being a haven for the socially awkward. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to not let yourself get caught up in the stereotype of “I can only talk to my tribe” but instead learn how to talk to everyone. Being able to navigate the worlds of the jocks, the stoners, the mathletes, the geeks and all the other micro-tribes that make up school will be the best skill you can develop. Being able to relate to people who don’t share your slice of the world will make your life so much better as you grow up. You’ll be making connections and meeting potentially awesome folks you might otherwise never have interacted with. The more you can talk to people, the more you can relate to them as people instead of what you assume them to be, the better you will do over all. And – critically – it’ll make talking with the women you want to date infinitely easier.

2) Now’s the best time to start building on the future You that you want to be. I don’t just mean working towards being an IT professional, but the sort of man you dream of becoming. Want to be someone who’s popular? Develop your intra-personal networking skills and learn how to build connections with people. Want to be hot, no matter what you may look like? Work on the things that really make you attractive, like your confidence and being an interesting, fun person that people like to spend time with. And hey maybe work on the things that’ll help you look better too, like your grooming and sense of style. Take time to experiment with your interests and hobbies and develop more skills. The more you bring to the table as a friend and potential lover, the more you’re going to have to offer people who you’ll want to get to know.

3) Don’t sweat the dating thing right now. Yeah, I know this is kind of the opposite of what you’re looking for but honestly? High-school is the worst time for dating, on just about every level. You’ve got the absurd bulls

t social pressures to get laid at all costs (on top of your aforementioned raging hormones) coupled with the Byzantine rules of status and high-school dating (which change every five minutes) and the fact that, frankly, your relationship is likely going to have the lifespan of a carnival goldfish. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself and get yourself in a position for the rest of your life. Remember those skills I mentioned earlier? Focusing on improving those will serve you much more than just focusing on trying to get a girlfriend.

And there’s one skill that will serve you better than any other: learning how to take rejection. See, here’s the thing about rejection: it’s not as bad as you think it is. Don’t get me wrong: it sucks, it absolutely sucks. But speaking as someone who’s been rejected more times than he’s had hot meals: it’s only as big of a deal as you make it out to be. Right now, you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch and you have that voice in the back of your mind telling you that nobody will ever love you. But that voice? That voice is a goddamn liar. It’s the voice of your jerkbrain, all of your fears and doubts and insecurities all bundled together and telling you things that you’re afraid are true. Here’s what rejection really means: she’s not digging you. That’s it. There’s no value judgement, no proclamation of your worth as a person. Maybe your skills need some work. Maybe there’s a deep and fundamental incompatibility that means that you two would never work. Hell, maybe she’s just an asshole. Regardless: in the end, she’s done you a favor. You’ve got an answer and now you’re free to move on and find someone who does dig what you’ve got – there’re a million more women out there who are just as amazing, if not more so, waiting to meet you.

So learn to tell your jerk-brain to shut the f

k up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. When you can take rejection and not let it phase you and not let it make you bitter and angry, you will be goddamned bullet-proof when it comes to dating.

These’ll be the skills that help you not just survive the next four years but thrive. And when you’ve left the bulls

t that is high-school behind and take your first steps out into the real world, you will be so much more ready for it than everybody else that you’ll wonder why you ever thought your dating dramas back in the day were a big deal.

Good luck, YB. You’re going to have an amazing time.

I promise.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, long story short I am 21 and a long time lone wolf who was recently diagnosed with PTSD/Anxiety/Depression from a f

ked up childhood who has worked on challenging negative core beliefs with my therapist. I have made some good progress too.

I intellectually no longer see my mental health conditions as a bouquet of red flags that make me undatable or unattractive (Hell just writing that is making me facepalm with how stupid it sounds. How could any of that possibly be a flaw with my morals or character?) Now the main goal will be to keep that mindset when I get emotionally triggered.

Hell, the opposite is true. I am very datable. I have a quick-wit for humor and am just someone who likes to make sure everyone who hangs out with me is comfortable. I love bowling, cooking, and The Legend of Zelda series. My career goals are to get my Masters or Psy. D. in Clinical Psychology and become a licensed therapist so to say I am driven is an understatement. I went from a childhood house(s) in which the chief main concern was “will my mother have enough pills so she won’t withdrawal tonight?” to a damn near free ride to a top 50 university (of course, currently living with my father and mother who is now 4 years clean) so how can I be in any sense of the word a failure?

If only I could think like that during my anxiety episodes.

So celebrating my mental health success and newfound positive identity aside, I did have one question to ask.

I have absolutely no interest in ONS and seeing as most romantic relationships are started by being introduced by friends I was wondering when is the quote on quote “appropriate” time to ask someone out after you first meet them. Obviously you don’t want to wait too long as you will Friend Zone yourself but, in the same sense it doesn’t seem like “Hi I’m RTP and I just met you. Want to grab a drink?” would end well either as there wouldn’t be any established connection. Then again I don’t know how this dating thing really works anyway so I could be completely wrong.

Oh well, might as well suss this out now seeing as we are likely to have a lot of time on our hands before I can actually get back out there.

-Rejoining the Pack

DEAR REJOINING THE PACK: Congratulations on your progress, RtP! You’ve made some huge strides in your life and you should be justly proud of everything you’ve achieved.  So should you mother for that matter; getting clean and sober is no easy feat. These are success stories that should be celebrated.

Now as for your question: this is actually much simpler than you realize. People put far too much importance on the idea of a universal timeline when it comes to dating and attraction, and there really isn’t. The point when it’s appropriate to ask someone out is far more based on social context and calibration than it is length of time. Asking someone out at a funeral? Not really appropriate. Asking them out a couple hours after having been introduced by a friend at a party? Far more appropriate.

What I always suggest is that once you’ve met someone and you’re both having a good time talking with one another, then the time to ask them on a date is… well, pretty much then. It may not always be possible when you first meet them, but asking sooner is usually better than later. Not only do you make it clear that you’re interested in them as a potential lover rather than a friend, but you don’t end up with someone else asking them out before you had the chance.

There’re a couple ways of doing this. One of the easiest is to find things that you both enjoy and then suggest a date based around those. Did you find that you both like bowling? Awesome… hey, would she like to go bowl some frames this Saturday?

Alternately, you can do what’s called “seeding the date” by discussing something that you’re planning on doing (or want to do) that weekend or the weekend after. Then, towards the end of the conversation you can say “Hey, you know what? I think you might really dig that art exhibition I’m going to on Friday. I’d love to take you if you’re free.”

Or you could even say “Hey, I’m having a great time talking to you. I know this awesome bar/coffee shop/ice cream parlor; would you like to get a drink/frozen yogurt some time? Cool, I’m available at these times, what does your schedule look like?”

Hell, if all that happens is that you connect on Facebook or WhatsApp or you exchange numbers, you can simply propose a date by combining two different ideas. “Hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball? There’s this barcade I’ve been meaning to hit up and I think you’d really enjoy it. I’d love to take you this Saturday.”

The key is to have a specific activity and a specific day and time; you want to give them a reason to want to see you. “Hey let’s hang out some time” is too vague and too wishy-washy. What does hanging out entail? When is “some time”? This leaves far too much in the air or, worse, puts the responsibility of planning on her shoulders — something you want to avoid. Having a specific activity gives her something to look forward to. A specific date and time makes it easier to plan; if she’s not available on those days, then she can propose a different day or time. Proposing both makes it clear that you’re not expecting her to do most of the heavy lifting to make this date happen.

So don’t worry about the timing, so much as how you both feel. If there’s attraction there and you’ve been having a good time talking… go ahead and propose a date. In a worst case scenario, you’ll know she’s not interested and you’ll be able to move on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 46 years old. When I was 35, my husband and I had a terrible divorce with custody battle.  I won, but I had to give up my dreams of moving home to another state as a condition of custody. I put everything on hold to care for them, including a couple of relationships that ended because they weren’t conducive to family. One of which devastated me because I actually fell in love but he had no intention of committing to what I had to offer.

My eldest daughter moved out at 17, exiting with lots of drama as was her usual, and left me feeling battered. My youngest and I ended up breaking away and moving home right when she started high school. I may be home but I feel like I haven’t integrated back into my life. I don’t date, I barely socialize, my job is high stress, and when I get home I fall into my recliner and I am brain dead. As a result I have gained 40 lbs.

I need to get up and change everything, job, my health, socialize more, but I can’t seem to get my tail in gear. How can I find motivation when I have this crushing feeling that my life is over that I am too old and fat and tired?

I have this feeling that I am going to be alone forever if I sit here doing nothing day after day, but I can’t get out of this recliner except to do the exact same things that end up with me being fat, and tired, and lonely in this rut.

Can you help?

Still In A Cage

DEAR STILL IN A CAGE: I feel for you, SIAC. You got dealt a s

tty hand and you’ve been trying to deal with it as best you can. It’s admirable that you put your life on hold so that you could provide for your kids, but it’s also understandable that you want a life for yourself. And now that you’re in a position to start your life again… well, f

k, who’s got the time or the energy?

Here’s the thing: you’re looking at the big picture, and that’s actually a problem. You’re looking at this mountain in the distance and wondering just how in pluperfect hell you’re supposed to scale that thing. Hell, never mind climbing it, how’re you supposed to even get to it? Looking at all the things you’re wanting to achieve is going to be exhausting and intimidating and ultimately just leave you with a bad case of  “I don’t wanna”.

The way you get past that is simple: you stop looking at the big picture and focus on the smaller things instead. You don’t focus on climbing the mountain, you focus on just taking a step at a time, looking only at the next milestone. As you look at each milestone, you want to structure things so it’s easier for you to accomplish them without thinking about it or having to expend energy to accomplish them.

Take your job and energy levels, for example. All that stress builds cortisol in your system, which screws with your concentration, your mental acuity, even your weight. Small wonder you get home and can’t bring yourself to do anything. So, assuming that you can’t find a way to make work less stressful or shift to a less-demanding track or department at work, what you want to do is focus on de-stressing and easing the cortisol buildup. Part of the way you do this is through generating the chemicals that help reduce cortisol: in this case, oxytocin and dopamine. You generate dopamine in a number of ways: getting enough sleep, eating a healthier diet, exercise, and the satisfaction that comes from making plans and following through with them. And, again, if you take things in small, manageable bites, this is very doable.

Start with the small, easy to accomplish things. When you get home, drop off your stuff, change your shoes and then go for a walk around the block. Not even a power walk; just a leisurely stroll. Depending on where you live, this should take you around 10 minutes or so, maybe a smidge more. That’s it: just giving yourself 10 minutes to walk before you plop into the recliner. Do this every weekday as soon as you come home, so that it starts to become a habit. It’s a very small, very simple and low-investment change to make in your life, but it will make a difference. That little extra bit of exercise — just 10 minutes — will produce surprising dividends.  The act of building this into your daily routine will bring you emotional satisfaction. The walking will help engage your circulatory system, getting your blood moving and helping to strengthen your heart, which will help you feel better, physically and emotionally. The exercise itself will not only burn more calories — not many, but some — but cause you to produce more dopamine, which will help break down the cortisol.

Keep to this routine and you’ll start finding that you’ll have more energy and less brain fog than before. As you keep at it, you’ll find that you’re ready to take on a little more. Maybe you’ll decide to walk two blocks instead of just one; awesome, go for it. Just that little bit of improvement will increase the benefits you’ll reap.

Meditation is another practice that can help you not just de-stress, but relax and chase away the brain fog. As with walking, this doesn’t require a significant investment of your time. You don’t need an hour with music and incense and a mat; five minutes a day in a comfortable chair with an app like Headspace is all you need. As you incorporate it into your life, maybe you’ll find that you’re ready or able to give a little more time to it. If so, great! If not, that’s fine too; five minutes will make a significant difference.

There will be other ways to streamline your life in ways that will make it less taxing and leave you with just a little more energy than you have now. Preparing meals for the week in advance, for example, can free up your time and be one less thing to think about each day. Taking a little time on Sunday to make dinners for the week puts you in the position to just open the fridge, grab something and heat it up for dinner. This reduces the time, effort and  brain-power that you’ll need to expend after you get home from work, freeing up your physical and mental resources and giving you a little more time and energy to use — or not use — as you see fit. And as a bonus, the act of planning the week’s meals, preparing them and stashing them every Sunday provides a sense of achievement and satisfaction. You’ve checked that off your weekly to-do list, which gives you a feeling of control over your life… which in turn, helps increase dopamine and decrease cortisol and stress.

These changes are small but add up over time. Taking these little steps build on one another — increasing your energy and drive and decreasing your stress.Think of it as the compounding interest of mental and physical health; as you decrease the amount of stress in your life, the benefits you get from those changes multiply accordingly. The less stressed you are, the more energy you’ll have. The more energy you have, the more you’ll be able to do. The more you’re able to do, the less stressed you’ll be. You’ll be happier and healthier without having to turn your entire life upside down or making radical changes that you would end up abandoning after a few weeks. And as you progress, you’ll be ready to hit the next milestone. Maybe it will be walking for 2o minutes. Maybe it’ll be meditating for 15 minutes. You might decide to try new and different recipes to keep your meals balanced and healthy. Each milestone you cross builds on the ones that came before and increases the benefits accordingly.

Now, you may notice that this is all about your physical and emotional health, not dating. There’s a reason for that: right now, you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch. You feel helpless, defeated and out of control of your own life. Making these little changes serve to not only make you feel better but to remind you that you do have agency in your own life. These improvements will put you in a better place physically, mentally, and emotionally, which will make you feel better about yourself a person. You’ll find that your mood improves and discover how much more comfortable you are in your own skin. You’ll learn that you actually like yourself again.

That is what will make you feel like you’re ready to get social again. You’ll have more energy, so you’ll feel like getting together with friends. Hanging out with them will help knock the rust off the social skills you haven’t had an opportunity to use.  You’ll feel better about how you look and so you’ll have more confidence to talk to the sexy singles you’ll encounter.

Because here’s the thing: there’s no such thing as “too late”.  There is no window of opportunity, after which there’s no chance for you. People find love in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. Hell, right now, retirement communities and senior living facilities are dealing with unprecedented levels of sexual activity because hey, turns out old folks still date and bang.

And all it takes is being willing to commit to walking for 10 minutes a day. That’s it.

You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for SIC. You’ve fought harder, accomplished more and come further than you realize.

You’ve got this. I promise.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com