DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So about a year ago I met this girl, we’ll call her K. K was the new girl at work and we had a “will they/won’t thing” for bit. We did go out for a bit but it didn’t work out. The problem was we kinda went back into a “will they/won’t they routine.”

It was a frustrating experience, sometimes she acted like she wanted to try dating again other times she acted like she didn’t really want to do anything with me. Eventually the dance ended when we out for a Valentine’s dinner (neither of us has ever had a date for Valentine’s Day so we decide to be each other), and at the end of it she told me she had feelings for a different guy. Our relationship really hasn’t been the same since, because whenever she’s around me she sometimes still acts like she’s interested in me.

The only that I can think of that explains her behavior is that she misses the attention I used to give her but doesn’t want anything more than that. Which comes to my question should I drop her from my life?

She’s not a bad person but the constant back and forth just hurts me to be honest. Like I know we are never going to be thing, I really don’t want to be a thing with her after all this. The whole experience has left me feeling confused.

Any advice you could give me would be nice.

Thanks

Round and Round

DEAR ROUND AND ROUND: This is the sort of letter that gets frustrating to answer because of the lack of detail. It’s a little difficult to give much insight as to what happened when there’s so little to work from or base a judgement or best guess on.

That having been said, I have a fair amount of experience with folks dealing with “will they/won’t they” relationships… and the truth is that a lot of times it was never a “will they/won’t they”, it was a “does someone not recognize this relationship for what it is?” The whole idea of a couple with simmering sexual tension that just keep dancing around the possibility of getting together or getting THIIIIIS close before something intercedes is great for television or serial fiction, but in real life, it very rarely plays out that way. More often than not, one of two things are happening. The first is that one person is misunderstanding or misjudging the interest of the other — usually mistaking friendship, even a flirty friendship for sexual or romantic interest. The other is that there was interest, at first, but it never actually went anywhere. Sometimes that’s because nobody ever made their move and asked the other out. Other times, there were some dates that went nowhere because of some x-factor; the physical chemistry wasn’t there, the timing or the circumstances weren’t right or they just weren’t compatible. Sometimes both parties will agree that yup, this didn’t work. Other times, one or the other will still be interested, while the other just isn’t feeling it; not in the way that the first person does, in any case. So you end up in a situation that feels fairly cut and dry to one person, but seems frustratingly opaque or contradictory to the other.

And that difference in perception can cause problems for the relationship itself because our beliefs are the the filter through which we see the world. If someone believes that they’ve got they’re doing this will they/won’t they dance of mutual interest that never quite gels properly, it can feel as though their crush is being maddeningly inconsistent. Meanwhile, for the person who isn’t interested in a non-platonic relationship, it gets profoundly irritating when their friend keeps trying to put them in the Relationship Zone.

Now, is that what happened with you RaR? I can’t say; I’m not there to observe like Richard Attenborough, and you don’t give much information or detail. So you’re going to have to look back at everything, as clearly and unbiased as you possibly can. This is always difficult because, frankly, it’s hard to separate our desire for a particular outcome from what’s actually going on. There’s that desire to see things in a particular way because that helps give us hope that things will work out the way we want. But try to be as rational as you can and look at possible explanations besides her teasing you and demanding your attention?

Was she being flirty to a level she isn’t with other people? Was she making a point of making sexual or romantic overtures, or was she spending time with you and being emotionally effusive? Were the times that she didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with you truly random, or did they correspond with times when you were trying to get her to start dating you again?

You say that she’s acting flirty with you again, even though she’s seeing somebody. Again: is this flirting that she does only with you, or is she like this with all her friends? Is it possible she’s treating you like a friend?

Is it possible that she’s keeping you around for the attention? Well, yes, it’s certainly possible; there’re folks out there who like to keep folks around because they like the feeling of knowing this person’s into them and they like having that sort of power over them. However, there’re far fewer of those than people would have you believe. Now, if your crush is always signalling just enough interest to keep you coming back when you start pulling away, then that might be an indicator that she’s one of them. But again: this falls into the question of “is she tempting you with the possibility of getting together, or is she trying to be a friend?”

And I can’t answer that. Only you can.

But to a certain extent, all of that is of lesser importance, because there’s another factor at play here: how do you feel? Whether this is a case of misreading things or you’re correct and she is jerking you around ultimately doesn’t matter if having her in your life is causing you pain. That’s the more important question that needs answering.

Is being friends with her or just having a platonic relationship with her upsetting to you? Is having her in your life causing you more pain and frustration than joy and companionship? Then yeah, you’re well within your rights to decide you don’t want to have a relationship with her — platonic or otherwise. While friendship isn’t the consolation prize for romance, you also don’t have to be friends with someone who turned you down, especially if that friendship makes you miserable. You’re allowed to prioritize taking care of your emotions. You can say “hey, you’re a great person and I like you, but the relationship we have isn’t going to work for me. I wish you all the best, but I’m gonna have to step away.”

I do think it would be good to see if the problem you’re having are expectations that’re coloring your interpretation of your relationship with her. If it really is the case that you’re seeing teasing and flirting where there’s only friendliness on her end, then recalibrating your expectations might solve the problem and the two of you can get back to being friends.

But if being friends with her is causing you pain, then you have every right to take care of yourself and make the decision to end your association with her.

You’re the only one who can make that call, RaR. Just be sure you’re making the right one for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I remember your ‘Geek Girl’ post on your blog, about the fantasized nerdy girl who will play video games with you and then f--k your brains out, who is also a model. It’s fantasy, not real, except when it is. Or is there a catch?

I met one, or rather, she met me. She’s a model, red head (a plus), plays video games, and get this, is an artist/animator too!  But. . . she has a boyfriend, who she is having issues with.  This doesn’t mean the game is up, after all she contacted me, we hit it off, and she was quick to let me know that the relationship is not a stable one. Subtle hints perhaps?

Now comes the real complications. She has also confided in me that she has multiple financial issues, can’t get a job, doesn’t really have a place to stay (is moving between friends), and I realized that recently I was listening to all this for about 30-40 minutes on the phone while just nodding my head and going ‘mhm’.

Am I becoming the white knight? It’s in the back of my mind.  I want her to get a job, reach her goals on her own and not present myself as that savior, or person she can depend on. I’m looking for someone to hang out with, have fun, and have sex, and not to worry constantly about ‘if she needs me’ or anything so dramatic. I feel as though she might be trying to push me in that direction, or at least into the friend zone, perhaps involuntarily by needing someone to vent to. I see that pit and I don’t want to fall in, but at the same time this girl is amazing and I’d like to keep the relationship going. 

What’s a nerd to do?

Animators In Lurve

DEAR ANIMATORS IN LURVE: Let’s see: gorgeous girl – a redhead even (BONUS), model and artist contacts you out of the blue; I’m assuming it’s via a dating site or something similar, since you don’t say. She can’t pay her bills. She doesn’t have a steady address. Can’t find a job.

Oh, and she’s got a boyfriend buuuuuuuut… it may or may not be on the rocks.

Am I really going to have to say it?

You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?

OK, fine:

IT’S A TRAP.

So let’s game out this scenario a little. She’s into you, but she has a boyfriend. But hey, that relationship may be ending soon… and wouldn’t you look like an awesome dude if you were able to help her out with her problems a little? Not that she’ll ever suggest that you should, in fact, she’ll be quite shocked if you made the offer, even push back against it. But it’s so hard bouncing from couch to couch and the job market’s so goddamn tough right now. And did she mention that she and her boyfriend had another fight? She has no idea why she’s still with him really…

Your issue isn’t with risking being a White Knight, it’s with risking getting conned.

Now I’m not saying she’s a gold-digger, but I AM saying saying that this is looking an awful lot like someone’s trying to find herself a sucker.

Frankly, everything about this is setting my Spider-Sense to tingling.

In fairness: yeah, it’s hard out there right now. The job market still sucks, there’s a pandemic on and there are plenty of people having to couch-surf in order to have a place to sleep. However, I’ve been gulled before though (though thankfully not to the point of serious financial involvement) and this sounds entirely too much like a con job to me.

Y’see, that Schrodinger’s Boyfriend of hers is the honey-pot; that’s what she’s going to be dangling over your head as the incentive to help her out. It’ll always be juuuuuust out of reach, but maybe if she were able to get back on her feet she might actually leave him. It’s that potential that makes it so attractive. What we can’t have is always more appealing than what we can, and so her relationship status will always be in flux – tantalizingly close, but far enough out of reach that it you still aren’t able to grasp it (and by “it”, I mean her body). She’ll never outright ask for your help finding a job. Or to crash at your place. Or to loan her a little money to keep her on her feet… because it’s way more powerful if you think it’s YOUR idea. Especially if you think it’ll get you closer to what you want – her.

Whether you want her to love you for being her savior or whether you just want to tap that is irrelevant to her; your wallet and/or ability to provide her with things (like a job) is.

You don’t say whether you’ve met this girl in person; I’m guessing you haven’t. I’m further willing to bet that you’re gonna have a hard time managing to convince her to meet up. She will likely have a very plausible reason why she can’t hang out with you or Skype or FaceTime with you, but wants to keep talking via email, WhatsApp and the phone. Why? Because I’m willing to put down actual money that she doesn’t really look like her pictures.

Maybe she does. Maybe she’s willing to meet up in person. That wouldn’t really assuage my suspicions; it just means she’s a little bolder than others out there. Doesn’t matter.

This whole thing stinks to high-heaven and you should be proceeding with absolute caution if you insist on trying to keep things going. Do not offer her money or assistance in finding a job or a place to stay. If she hints at it, you can point out relevant listings on Craigslist or NextDoor. Watch out for hints of how “grateful” she would be for some help. She may have a sudden “emergency”. She may even get mad at you or try to guilt you into helping her. You must, must remain non-reactive. If I’m right – and I’m certain I am – she’ll be looking for any leverage she might be able to use to get at you before she moves on to an easier mark.

Remember: the penis has no conscience, no memory and no ability to look more than 20 minutes ahead and she’ll have no problems using this against you. Keep your blood in your brain, not in your shorts.

I could be wrong. She could be legit.

But I seriously doubt it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently reconnected with my ex on Facebook. My friend told me that he was having a hard time since his divorce. As soon as I heard this I immediately contacted him on Facebook messenger to see if he was ok .

Well, we ended up talking all night and then we started texting all day long exchanged phone numbers. I guess that I should mention that I am married, and yes we are having problems. My ex-boyfriend and I dated back in high school. When we re-connected, he told me that I was the one that got away back then. Now I’ve been so comfortable talking with him about everything. He is the only person who ever got me to open up that way . No one has ever done that. I never loved anyone as much as I loved him. I felt like all those feelings that I had for him many years ago came pouring back. I loved him so much.

So anyway this went on for eight months of texts and phone calls, and I fell back in love with him. We had made plans for him to spend the weekend up by me since we no longer live in the same state. I was so excited that I was finally going to see him again after all these years.

My husband and I had a fight two nights before he was supposed to come visit. Then, the morning before he was supposed to come up to see me, he calls me at 6:30 am. Since it was so early in the morning I quickly hung up the phone. I texted him back two hours later and asked “what’s up”. So he sends back to me . “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I need someone who will always be able to be there and you can not. I wish you all the best . We really could have been amazing together . It kills me to say this but lose my number.” and then  he immediately blocked me from his phone, Facebook, Messenger and WhatsApp. I feel so hurt. We had this incredible connection that we both said was the reason why we fell for each other.

But I’m feeling like if he really truly loved me the way that he said that he did, then he would not have hurt me like this. I’m so hurt; I miss my best friend so much. I’m hoping that he will come back to me. My question is do you think that he will be back? He told me that he would wait forever for me . Why do you think that he did this? I’m crying every day over this. This happened 6 weeks ago .

Thank you,

Hopelessly in Love

DEAR HOPELESSLY IN LOVE: The short version, HIL, is that at some point before he was supposed to see you, he realized that you two weren’t going to work and he pulled the plug. Cutting ties like he did, pulling the trigger on the Nuclear Option, is both to protect his heart… but also to underline the fact that this was his decision and he’s not interested in talking about it with you.

Now just why he decided to up and block you is something of an open question. It’s theoretically possible that, since you didn’t answer his call at oh-Christ-hundred, he decided that was the Sin That Couldn’t be Forgiven. If his idea of your “always being there for him” is that you literally always answer the phone when he calls, no matter what, then he’s not in good working order and you’re well rid of him. You can chalk that one up to a bullet dodged.

(I mean, if someone calls me at 6:30 in the morning, somebody better be on fire… or they will be.)

It’s also possible that you were a little more intense than he was ready for and he decided to use your hanging up on him as an excuse. Or he was calling with an actual emergency and you just hung up on him without bothering to listen.

But the more likely scenario is the fact that you’re, y’know. Still married. That’s going to put a limit on the relationship you and he can have. Maybe he doesn’t want to wait for you to go through the process of getting divorced. Maybe he didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up somebody else’s marriage. Hell, maybe your husband twigged to the fact that you were getting ready to bang this dude and gave him the wave-off. But regardless, I suspect that the fact that you’re still married and not giving any signs that this was about to change was the biggest reason for him to peace out, girl scout.

What about all those promises? What about saying he was going to wait forever for you? Well… setting hyperbole aside, there’s the fact that there comes a point where folks recognize that sometimes a relationship — or a relationship in potentia — isn’t right or healthy for them. Or they may realize that they can’t put their life on hold while they wait for someone else to get ready. There comes a point where someone has to say “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more,“; that is, they have to love themselves enough to know that something isn’t going to work and do the hard thing. And sometimes that hard thing means cutting all ties.

Yeah, his dumping you like that hurt. But honestly, the short, quick break heals the cleanest.

Will he come back? Um… no. Telling you to lose his number and then blocking you on his social media is almost certainly his final word on the matter. Waiting for him to come back is going to be a fruitless endeavor, and there’s not going to be any benefit to seeing if there’s some way of reaching out to him.

I think your time is going to be better spent deciding on what you’re going to do about your marriage which, honestly, sounds like it’s on the rocks as well. Whether it’s going in for counseling or starting the process of ending it, I think you need to devote your time and energy a little closer to home than hoping that Prince Charming is going to come around a third time.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I cannot help shake the feelings of hurt about how my birthday was handled during COVID vs how a friend’s birthday was handled/is being handled during Covid.

In the end of March my state implemented a “Stay at Home” order that of course meant to stay at home if you are not getting groceries, medicine, etc. One exception was people to take car rides to relieve cabin fever. In order to comply with the rules, I told friends they could drive by my apartment and I can wave to them to get some semblance of a birthday. Not a single one of my friends drove by.

Flash forward to the past holiday weekend. One of the friends who I asked has a birthday that weekend and had asked my wife and I to join in the festivities out of state. While the state we are traveling to does not have an order, their DHS has announced people should stay home. When I voiced my concern about it and covid I felt my concerns were brushed aside being told that “it’s okay”, “we won’t go to bars” and other things.

I’m I right to feel a little hurt? It makes me feel my friends and my wife are being contradicting when it comes to these sort of similar cases.

A Very Unmerry Birthday

DEAR A VERY UNMERRY BIRTHDAY: I feel you, AVUB. A lot of folks — myself included — had birthday, travel and holiday plans squashed by the lockdown, especially in the early days. Even though folks started having regular social get togethers via Skype or Zoom or other services, it’s not quite the same as having your friends there with you to celebrate. Seeing your friends getting people together in person for their shindig when they couldn’t or didn’t come to yours? Yeah, that’s gonna sting, and understandably so.

However, one thing to keep in mind is the difference between where we are now vs. where we were back in March. Back in March, the vast majority of the population were taking the lockdown very seriously. We all agreed that we were going to work together, flatten the curve so that hospitals didn’t get overwhelmed and hopefully we’d break the back of the pandemic.

Fast forward to May and states were starting to relax their standards. Several states — including Texas and Florida — decided to start reopening, even as cases were still surging. The message that we started getting, from the President, from certain loud voices in right wing media, even from governors of different states was that it was time to start getting back to normal. Bars, restaurants and movie theaters started reopening. Suddenly people were starting to act as though we were through the worst of it and getting back to socializing in person… even though we were staring down the barrel of a massive upsurge in cases.

That mixed messaging, combined with the frustration of being isolated and the understandable desire to connect with people in person, has lead to people treating things far more casually than they did before. And while there are some ways to socialize safely — forming a quarantine pod of people who ONLY see each other in person and follow strict protocols otherwise — a lot of people are starting to act like the pandemic is over.

Folks like, say, your friends wanting to host a birthday party during a holiday.

So yes, you are right to feel hurt. Much like the folks who’ve been masking up, avoiding large crowds, staying home and doing their part to try to stay safe and flatten the curve, it’s incredibly frustrating and hurtful to see folks running around like nothing’s wrong. As several people have said: this the pandemic equivalent of being the person who got stuck doing all the work in a group project in school. But in the case of your friends skipping your birthday? I don’t think you should take that personally, even though it feels personal. It has far less to do with you and your relationship with your friends and far more to do with where we’re at as a country. They’re getting together in person, not because they don’t care about you enough to celebrate your birthday, but because of quarantine fatigue, failures of leadership and messaging and mismanagement of a national crisis by leaders on the federal and state level.

It still stings, to be sure, and they’re making what I would judge to be a poor decision. But like I said: it’s not because they didn’t care about you, it’s that everyone was taking the pandemic restrictions far more seriously when we started than they are now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com