DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hope you are well and safe. I am a 28 year old single guy who has never been in a relationship or had sex, just kissing stages. I just have this query which has been bugging me and would like guidance on.

I have friends of mine who have been bugging me (to the point that I am getting fed up) to go and join a gym and work out constantly because that would be the golden ticket for me to get laid on a regular basis. Now whenever I start a gym membership, I always end up quitting after 3 months because it’s really not my thing. I much prefer walks in the countryside to be honest.

Now back to the subject personally I think it’s a bit pathetic and desperate joining a gym just to boost ones sex life. It helps yes but I feel that one should exercise in order to feel healthy and not as an excuse to get laid only (correct me if I am wrong). And also back to my friends at one point they mentioned that if I am going to enter a relationship, being a fit guy is what I would need to bring to the table in a relationship, which completely pissed me off.

What are your thoughts please?

Thanks,

Not Exercise Hater

DEAR NOT EXERCISE HATER: My thought is that there’re a couple of issues here.

First and foremost is that while I believe that it’s good for people to work on their overall physical fitness, the idea that you “need” to join a gym in order to get fit. While personally I love going to the gym and find a lot of value there, exercise and physical fitness aren’t defined strictly by what you can accomplish on a treadmill or with free weights. There are many, many different ways to achieve physical fitness that don’t necessarily mean pumping iron or training like you’re getting ready to fight Ivan Drago. Playing in various amateur sports leagues or having a twice or three-times weekly basketball game with your friends is one way. So is swimming, dancing or practicing martial arts. People who throw bales of hay around, work with livestock, do construction work or other forms of manual labor are, likewise, getting quite a bit of exercise in ways that don’t involve going to the gym.  Or you can go for long walks, like you prefer. After all, walking at a brisk clip for an hour will net you the same calorie burn as jogging for a half-hour without potentially screwing up your knees or giving you shin-splints.

(And that’s especially true in a time when we’re in a global pandemic and the vast majority of gyms simply aren’t safe…)

Second is that “fit” and being “in shape” is going to look very different to different people. There’s an assumption that “being fit” or “being in shape” is going to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, and it isn’t. In fact, most of the people we think of when we think “fit” or “in shape” tend to be at their least strong. Most of the time, they’re dehydrated as hell and woozy from the unbalanced eating that it took to get to that particular build. You can be in shape without having more cuts than a DJ. You can be fat and be fit. Nobody is going to tell Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (well, not to his face, anyway) that he’s not fit, even though he doesn’t look like what we assume “fit” is supposed to be. Similarly, athletes like Prince Fielder were in incredible shape and able to perform to a level that most people won’t achieve… but he never looked like a Men’s Health cover model. And that’s fine because that brings us to my third thought:

Just as “being a fit guy” is going to look different to different people, so too does “guy with a hot body”. Yeah, some people are going to want Brad in all of his carved-out-of-marble-and-abs glory. Others may find him aesthetically pleasing but sexually he leaves them dryer than the Sahara or limper than overcooked linguini. Instead, they’d rather lick frosting off Paul Hollywood or ride Mark Lutton like a coin-op horsey. Some folks like ’em tall and skinny enough to wear women’s cut jeans, others want them a cuddly fat man who looks the way hugs feel. Plenty of folks are watching Letterkenny because K. Trevor Wilson is all over it and that’s what they appreciates about the show.

And of course, there’s the fact that there’s more to attraction and what you bring to the table than physical looks.

Do I think it’s pathetic or desperate to join a gym “just” to boost one’s sex life? Hell no. There’s absolutely nothing pathetic or desperate about wanting to look better, however you want to define “look better”. Wanting to look good naked is as real and valid a reason to work out as wanting to improve your cardiovascular health, improve athletic performance or putting on functional muscle. The only problems I see with it is either trying to force yourself into a build and body type that you can’t achieve or maintain, or when it starts to negatively impact your life. You can’t exercise yourself into a different frame or bone-structure, nor different genetics (which are going to be far more responsible for having visible abs than any amount of crunches). And people rarely think about how life-consuming it is to look like Captain America or Star-Lord; it’s literally their job to look like that, and none of the Chris’ (or Stephen Amell or Kumail Nanjiani or, hell, J.K. Simmons) look like superheroes when they’re not shooting movies or tv shows.

Now, if you want to cut weight or bulk up because you want to feel more attractive, by all means, go for it. If you want to hit the gym and work out because you want to fit into smaller clothes, again: you do you, man. But if you’re getting some form of regular cardio, your cholesterol and blood pressure are in healthy ranges and you’re happy with yourself over all? Then hey, you’re doing great too. But what I think will benefit you more than hitting the gym is developing some stronger boundaries and telling your friends to knock it the f--k off with all of the “get your ass to the gym or die alone” s--t. You don’t want to hear it, you don’t need them nagging you about it and frankly, you’re sick of them bringing it up over and over again, even if they think they’re doing it for your “benefit”.

And if they won’t listen when you tell them to knock it the f--k off? Then it may be time to get better friends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a single female and have a lover for the last 3 years now. I could tell during the first time we hung out there was a strong mutual attraction. About 2 weeks after we first met he flirted with me hardcore and I knew he wanted something that wasn’t strictly platonic. I held off because I wanted to get to know him better and develop a real friendship. The pull was too strong and just 2 weeks after that we ended up in bed together. Since then we’ve become friends and continued our trysts whenever our schedules permitted. We don’t see each other that often, not even weekly because about 1.5 years ago he moved 2 hours away. I’m pursuing my professional goals, have always been more of an introvert and value my independence so not being in a defined relationship for long periods of time doesn’t bother me. I think what made this situation work is because he and I have a genuine attraction and connection so we focus just on enjoying one another when we do get together.

About a year after we first met, we stayed just friends for 3 months because he was dating someone. When he told me I was sad and knew I would miss him as a lover but respected his boundaries. I told him so, that I really do care about him and he wasn’t just someone I wanted only to have sex with. He never got serious with the other girl and soon enough he came over one evening for dinner and spent the night ravaging me.

It’s pretty much been the same since then, we spend weekends or get together for a week night together here and there. From what I can tell on social media there are female friends of his who he occasionally hangs out with. It always seems like its somewhat one-sided in the sense he enjoys the time spent with them. However they’re seeing the time spent together as a means to date him, which never materializes and they become extremely upset.

During this time I still meet and spend time with other guys I find interesting and are attracted to so I guess I’m not really bitten by the jealousy bug. He seems uncomfortable talking about his feelings or these kinds of situations, not that it bothers me and this suits me because I’m not looking for a serious commitment and expectations. Outside our sexual attraction to one another, we’re good friends and have a great sense of humor with each other. I’m just curious, what is your view on him? I don’t necessarily think he’s emotionally unhealthy or has an avoidant attachment style, as he’s been in 2 monogamous relationships before the last 3 years. Someone can choose to be single for long periods of time without being damaged somehow. I guess I’m wondering if I’m hindering him emotionally in some way.

Curious About My Friend

DEAR CURIOUS ABOUT MY FRIEND: Occasionally I’ll get a question from someone where the issue isn’t really with the relationship, so much with the expectations around the relationship. In fact, in my time, I’ve found that this issue comes up more and more often; the relationship itself is fine, but it’s unconventional in some way. Everybody involved is happy and satisfied. Their needs — emotionally, socially and sexually — are all being met. But because it goes against the cultural narratives of what relationships “should” be, there’s this vague, free-floating anxiety that something is wrong, somehow. Even when it isn’t.

One of the most common examples I see of this are couples who are great as friends who bang… but fight like cats and dogs when they’re “officially” dating. However, if you compare how they act as a “real” couple and when they’re nominally single, there’s no measurable difference. The only distinction between those two states is the label, with all the expectations that come with it. By getting rid of all the inherent assumptions that come with the term “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “husband”, “wife”, etc. they’re able to build a relationship that works for them, specifically.

Which brings me back to your situation CAMF. You and your lover clearly have a vibe that works for the two of you. You aren’t — and may never be — in a position where you could do the traditional style of relationship. So you and your guy have a situation that works. You have genuine affection and intimacy and smoking hot sex. You hang out on the regular when your schedules permit, you bang like rabbits on meth and then you do your own thing, separately. You aren’t “dating” in the classical sense but everyone seems pretty ok with the situation.

Honestly, it sounds like the only people who have a problem here are the women who think that things are leading to a relationship with him and get upset when it doesn’t.

If there’s any conflict here — for suitably small definitions of “conflict” — it’s the vague possibility that your friend’s interested in more. But then again, he might not be. If he’s uncomfortable talking about his feelings, then it could be that he is thinking that maybe you two have something different. But then again, it could also be that he has the same weird feeling you do: that he digs your arrangement but feels like he’s supposed to want or expect something more.

Now, it could be helpful to have some form of a Defining The Relationship talk, where you both sit down and make sure you’re on the same page. There’re far worse things than to say “Hey, I just want you to know: I really like what we have. It suits me down to the ground, and I want to make sure that it’s working for you, too.” I’m a big believer in using your words, instead of just relying on unspoken agreements and hoping that everyone’s in agreement. Giving him some reassurance that you’re happy, even laying out your expectations and how they’re being met and why it all works for you can go a long way to strengthening your relationship. Plus, modeling this behavior gives him the space to express any worries or concerns he has. Making it clear that you’re ready to listen could help him open up and muscle past any worries about judgement or criticism. Hell, you could even talk about this being some form of ethical non-monogamy, if that makes everyone feel better.

But if I’m being honest, it sounds like this is a case of everyone getting what they want, in a way that works for them. I don’t think you’re “hindering” him in any way or holding him back from other relationships. Rather, the only way you’re “hindering” him is by giving him a relationship that he enjoys and finds rewarding.

You’re happy. He’s happy. You clearly care for each other. You have amazing sex. You’ve both had the opportunity to pursue other relationships and ultimately haven’t. Neither of you seem to be feeling any resentment or expressing this feeling that you’re being kept from something you want.

There’re far worse things that you could do than to toss expectations aside and just embrace that you’ve got something awesome, even if it’s not standard issue.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My partner and I separated three months ago after two and a half years of being together. We had initially been dating long distance, and after the first year we decided that I would move cities to be closer to each other. While our decision to split was mostly amicable, I know that my ex is having a more difficult time accepting it and forgiving me for my responsibility for the fall out (our breakup was not the result of cheating and/or abuse).

However, my former partner and I have the same tight knit group of friends that has made it super awkward to navigate since our split. She naturally introduced me to most of these people, and some friendships we have obtained as a couple. She would always say to me, “These are OUR friends, not my friends.” While I’m trying to be respectful and give my former partner space and time to heal, I can’t help but feel left out of certain social events or gatherings. Both my ex and I have skipped out on certain things to avoid seeing each other.

These are friends that I have vacationed with, spent holidays with, etc and I truly don’t want to lose these connections. I also don’t want or expect to put our friends in the middle and make them feel like they need to choose sides. Do I need to find a new friend group until everything blows over?

I’m feeling helpless in this friendship custody battle.

Split The Party

DEAR SPLIT THE PARTY: This is a tricky one, STP. One of the things that people often miss when it comes to relationships is that relationships are, in their way, an entity unto themselves. There’s you, your partner and the two of you as a couple, creating a single being like a fleshy Voltron. One of the things this does is create situations where your relationship with your friends is with the version of you that’s half of the couple, rather than just yourself.

In an ideal world, when a couple splits up more or less amicably, it wouldn’t create a situation where the friends would feel the need to choose sides. It’d be great if they could compartmentalize their friendships with the individuals from their friendship with the couple, especially in cases where there’s no “bad guy” as it were. But that doesn’t always happen; even when people have the best of intentions, friends of the couple often end up drifting one way or the other. Of course, this doesn’t mean that people automatically get their friends in the break-up; there’re plenty of times when friends who were originally closer to one partner will end up choosing the other.

But there really isn’t a way of ensuring that this happens. Nor is there any perfect way of dividing up time so that you and your ex don’t have any awkward encounters and keep a perfectly equitable relationship with your friends.

Unfortunately, if you and they are going to be trying to avoid each other for a while, it means one or the other of you are going to have to skip certain gatherings or events. And that means being willing to tell your friends “hey, just FYI, we’re trying to minimize awkwardness and hurt feelings, so Ex and I’ve been trying to keep our distance from one another, so I’d appreciate it if you could give me a heads up if she’s going to be at $EVENT.” While yeah, this does create the potential for folks having to decide which of you they might invite (or trying to finesse who RSVPs first), if you’re going to try to stay out of each other’s way and see your friends, there really isn’t much of an alternative.

Now this doesn’t mean that you have to avoid your friends entirely. While yes, I always recommend making new friends and expanding your social circle, just abandoning the friends you either met through your ex or met as a couple while things blow over means that you’re more likely to get squeezed out entirely. Not out of maliciousness or Machiavellian plotting on the part of your ex but just due to the nature of friendships. Friendships require maintenance and upkeep; if you go radio silent during the awkward adjustment phases of the relationship, then you aren’t able to keep up the friendships you’ve made and transition them to being friends with you now that you’re no longer part of a couple.

That’s why I  suggest that you still see the friends you made while you were dating your ex too. You may just have to make a point of spending time with the members of your social circle who aren’t going to be at the events your ex will be attending and vice versa. This can actually work well for you, by the way. By spending time with them on a one-on-one basis, you can help solidify the bonds and friendship with them as an individual, rather than as half of STPandEX. While this doesn’t prevent things from getting awkward or friends drifting to one side or the other, it makes it much less likely that your friendships will start to drift apart because of your absence.

It’s an uncomfortable situation, and I don’t envy you being stuck in it, STP. Hopefully you and your ex will be able to make it through this adjustment period without too much awkwardness and come out on the other side as, if not friends, then at least cool with one another.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m honestly surprised you responded to my letter about my boyfriend keeping our relationship a secret (11/13/20). I thought I had a snowball’s chance in hell with that one, but I did end up doing what you suggested prior to your response.

That same day I wrote to you, I ended up talking to Ludwig about our relationship. I ultimately talked about how I was sad and stressed over the possibility of our relationship being under wraps for longer than I anticipated, but I also didn’t want to guilt him into coming out if he legitimately wasn’t ready for it. He was really receptive in the conversation and I truly felt heard.

He did tell me that he didn’t want to spill the beans about our relationship to our friends because he didn’t want to shake up our friend group too much. And yes, while I know they’re very drama, I felt it was a weak argument at the time and I still do. We didn’t reach a conclusion to that conversation that night because I didn’t want my emotions to cloud my judgment too much at the heat of the moment, but I felt a lot better just being vulnerable with him.

We eventually talked it over again a few days later face-to-face and it went really well. We once again made plans to be open about our relationship on Halloween, but I made sure to confirm that he really wanted that and Ludwig genuinely reaffirmed with me in response. He confessed that he didn’t feel anxious about us at the time, but he just reacted poorly to a friend finding out about us earlier than he expected and wasn’t prepared for that.

Now, I wasn’t planning on making a huge public announcement about us because that’s not really me. I was just hoping for a quick handhold at a party if anything because I’m not used to displaying PDA. Ludwig, on the other hand, really surprised me with his go-getter attitude on Halloween. Ludwig told a close mutual friend about us on the way to pick me up for a party and our friend was genuinely shocked but very happy to hear the news. (It was nice to learn that our secret really was kept).

Then at the party, he initiated all the PDA from light shoulder and hand touches to full-on cuddling during a movie we all watched. I wasn’t expecting this at all, but it was a very nice surprise and it was really nice to not care about what others thought. He also shared that sentiment after we left the party and confessed that he felt a lot better about everything and we had a great rest of our night.

Thank you, Dr. NerdLove for your advice and words! I do genuinely care about Ludwig and I know and trust that he genuinely cares about me as well. However, I’m going to actively put myself first and ensure my happiness throughout my relationship and be more transparent about my feelings with him, both positive and negative.

Sincerely,

An Open Happy Sonnet

DEAR AN OPEN HAPPY SONNET: I’m glad everything worked out, OAHS! I’m glad you were able to talk things out with Ludwig and share your side of things. It seems like it made an impression on him.

Thanks for writing back and letting us know how it all went!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com