DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I tried searching your site to find any stories about this, but didn’t find anything in the results mainly by title. Anyway, to the point, I wanted to ask if you have any tips in dating when the issue is that you may like the girl (or guy) you are dating, but you dislike (some of) her friends? Specifically, if you think some are enablers of bad behavior and/or having a negative influence on the girl (or guy) you are dating; and even worse if they also may not even like you anyway in return.

I think you must have come across this situation before and/or been asked this question right?

I am somewhat conflicted about this topic. For some things I read online, they seem to indicate that the friends your date have may determine your own compatibility with the date; that they can be red flags of issues to come. Other things I’ve read mentions about how you should try to be friendly with and/or impress your date’s friends so that they can provide some sort of positive feedback to your date by winning their approval. I know I can’t expect her to confront or disregard her long-time friends just for me as just a new date in her life. But I also definitely feel there are some stark contrasts/difference between her friends and I – compared to herself and I – which can lead to tensions, if not now then in the future.

How should I approach this situation?

Love Me, Love My Friends?

DEAR LOVE ME, LOVE MY FRIENDS: As a general rule, you can tell a lot about someone by who they hang out with. The saying that “you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with” is fairly accurate. After all, we tend to connect with people who are like us; if you’re not a big fan of their friends, then the odds aren’t great that you two will be a good match.

But that’s not necessarily a hard and fast rule. God knows plenty of people don’t have friends so much as “friends”; people they associate with and may call their friends but who are actually incredibly toxic.

Similarly: it’s generally true that the opinion of a person’s friends can affect their decision about who they date or how long their partner sticks around. But it’s also incredibly common that folks date someone that their friends all hate.

(Notice very carefully that I’m trying to be gender-neutral about this. This is a phenomena that reaches across the entire gender spectrum.)

Now it’s a little unclear from your letter whether this is a thought experiment on your part or if this is something you’re dealing with right now. But in either case, I’d say that if you’re finding that you and your date get along like a house on fire, but you and her friends don’t mesh, it’s worth examining just why that may be. There can be a number of reasons why you and they may not get along that doesn’t mean that they’re either toxic for her or that spell doom for you. It could be that she had some bad experiences and her friends are very protective. It could be that you are someone who’s outside of her norm and they feel put off by that. Or you may have accidentally made a faux-pas out of ignorance or not being as up on some topics as they are.

Or it could be that you and they are just diametrically opposed in some way and that’s going to make it very difficult to get their approval (or for them to get yours).

But while our friends can influence who we decide to date… dating isn’t a democracy. If your partner is into you and you and she have something good going on, then that’s between you and her. The best thing I could recommend is to demonstrate that you’re somebody with honor and integrity who treats her with respect. You and they may never click or mesh well, but that’s ok; you don’t need to be best friends with HER best friends, any more than she needs to be BFFs with yours.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with having “your friends, my friends and our friends”; having separate social lives is good for the long-term success of relationships.

Although if they’re assholes or Trump voters, then nobody would blame you for not really wanting to hang with them in the first place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman with a dating question—particularly a dating app question! I matched with a guy on Hinge about 2 weeks ago. I sent him a like first, he liked me, then we matched. He left it up to me to start the conversation; I was super busy so I never got the chance to message him, but I finally messaged him a couple of days ago. He hasn’t answered yet, what do I do?

We happen to attend the same university, and we have a mutual friend or two. We’ve never spoken in person, but would it be weird to friend him on Instagram (in hopes that he replies to my message on Hinge)? Thanks in advance—I really want this to work out with this guy!

Left On Read

DEAR LEFT ON READ: You don’t do anything, LOR. The ball’s in his court. It’s on him to respond or not respond.

Here’s the thing: there’re a lot of reasons why someone might not have responded yet. It could be that he’s not terribly active on Hinge and so he hasn’t seen that you responded or hasn’t logged in to see your message. You, after all, were super-busy before you messaged him; the same could be true on his end. Or it could be that he’s shy and isn’t sure how to respond. Alternately, he feels like it’s been too long for him to reply and now it would be awkward if he did.

Or — and this one always kinda sucks — it could be that he’s not that interested. He might have been just casually browsing Hinge and swiping on people without really being that interested in dating. Alternately, he might have matched with you, but decided to pursue something with someone else who messaged him before you did. Or — in what is the most unfortunate but likely scenario — he wasn’t that into you but swiped right on you just in case. This, unfortunately, is a really common thing that men do, especially on dating apps with swiping or “yes/no” mechanics: they swipe right on everyone in order to maximize potential matches, and then decide who they’re actually interested in after they match. Women, on the other hand, tend to only swipe on people they’re actually into. So many times, women will match with somebody that they really liked, only to discover that he was just trying to get a little serotonin boost from seeing the number on the notification badge go up.

What you don’t want to do, however, is jump to a different app to to try to connect with him. Or take it offline for that matter. This is a thing that a lot of guys do; they may get rejected on Tinder or Hinge, but message that person on Instagram instead in hopes of trying to get a second shot. It’s intrusive, it’s cringey and it’s an indication that they feel like their desire to get a date (or a blowjob or…) overrides her stated lack of interest. And while the dynamics are different when you reverse the genders — on average, women pose far less of a physical threat to men than men do to women — it’s still intrusive and not cool. Doing so in person is, likewise, not cool, for much the same reason; it ends up tells the person that you’re ignoring what is, in all likelihood, a soft no, because you don’t like the answer.

I say this because, at the end of the day, no answer is an answer. It’s “I’m not interested”, and that’s the end of the discussion. If he is interested, but hasn’t gotten back to you for reasons… well, he knows you messaged him. It’s on him to make the next move.

And if you do run into him in person… I wouldn’t bring this up unless he does. You can chat, flirt and see if the in-person interaction makes things easier than the potential awkward of a late reply on a dating app, and “hey, you never responded to my message on Hinge” can be a cute thing to discuss down the line if the two of you hit it off and go on a date or two. But unless that happens, bringing it up is going to be more cringe-inducing than romance-facilitating.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30 year old male, living on my own and mostly independent. I’m also in college after 8 years, continuing my education. When it comes to public things or social situations, I tend to get overwhelmed after a while and just stand around hoping someone picks me out of the crowd. I’ve been on some dates throughout my life and was in a brief relationship, I also quit pornography last month which was challenging. But sometimes I don’t even know what the hell “just be yourself” means and it seems so vague coming from someone who has a bit of social anxiety.

How can one “just be themselves” if they’re afraid of rejection or introverted? So 90% of the time I’m just waiting around for serendipity or something out of the blue to happen. And I also have these thoughts of becoming Jeffrey Dahmer if nothing happens in 5 years from now.

Holding Up The Wall

DEAR HOLDING UP THE WALL: OK, we’re going to tackle these in no particular order, HUW, starting with “Just Be Yourself”.

Just being yourself is just that: you want to be yourself, not to try to be someone that you’re not in order to partner up with somebody. We as a species are very bad at lying and pretending; the dissonance between who we actually are and who we’re trying to pretend to be causes all sorts of issues. At best, it’s incredibly stressful to keep the false front up at all times. At worst… well, there’re reasons why a lot of the people I knew in the pick-up scene had mental and emotional breakdowns.

But being yourself doesn’t mean that you’re static and unchanging or that you’re stuck being someone you don’t like being. It means that you’re authentic to yourself, not that you step outside of time and never grow. “You” are a fluid concept, and that definition of “you” can grow, change and improve… but if you want to do this in a healthy manner, then it needs to be in alignment with your best self. So, getting treatment for your anxiety would not be going against the idea of “being yourself”, nor would discovering sides of you that you weren’t aware existed. Or you may discover that things that were true years ago are not true now – anything from your taste in clothes and music to the people you’re attracted to.

Similarly, discomfort is different from not “being yourself”. Something may be outside of your comfort zone, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not organic or authentic to who you are. It’s just that you haven’t given it a chance to be part of you or for you to allow your sense of self to grow to accommodate it.

Which brings us to things like waiting around for other people to notice you. Serendipity and luck are great, don’t get me wrong. But they both are far more effective when you put yourself into serendipity’s path, rather than hiding and hoping that it’ll find you.

Part of the problem of waiting around for someone else to notice you is that you’re going to be waiting for a long, long time. While making sure the walls don’t fall in and crush everyone is a noble calling, it also means that you’re not doing the things that would make serendipity more likely to happen. You’re not, for example, being approachable or sending out signals that you’re someone that people should want to talk to. Quite the opposite, in fact.

More often than not, if you’re standing at the fringes and not interacting with anyone or just staring at your phone or your shoes, then you’re giving off “do not disturb” signs. Most people are going to take that at face value; they’re going to assume that you don’t want to be bothered, rather than you’re lonely and quietly dying inside. And even the folks who might see you and take pity aren’t necessarily going to interested in committing to more than getting you involved in the party. They’re certainly not signing up to be your social sherpa and do all the heavy lifting.

If you want folks to approach you, then you have to make a point of not just being approachable, but giving them a reason to want to stick around and talk. The guy with closed off body language who’s responding to everything in one or two word answers ain’t that. Someone who is, at least, having a good time, looking around the room, making eye contact with folks and smiling is going to be more inviting. The guy who does those things and actively (and happily) engages with folks who do come over is going to do better.

But if you’re hoping that standing around is going to get the “must rescue the lonely puppy” vibe going… well, you’re dealing with a very small number of people and even fewer who won’t be expecting you to hold up your end of things too.

Which brings us to those feelings of overwhelm and anxiety – not to mention the vague “I’m going to become a serial killer and memetic cannibal” bits at the end of your letter. It sounds to me like dealing with your social anxiety should be a higher priority than worrying about being single. As I’ve said before, luck is the intersection of random chance, preparation and opportunity. You’re much more likely to get lucky when you’re putting yourself out there, because you’re putting yourself in places where opportunity is more likely to happen. If you’re not in those places and, instead, you’re either holding up the wall or keeping vigil in your apartment, then the opportunities aren’t going to happen for you. And if you’re not prepared to take full advantage of those opportunities when they crop up… well, you’re not going to reap the benefits of being lucky.

So, as I’m always saying: if you want things to be different, you’re going to have to do things differently. And one of the things I think you should be doing differently is working on getting your social anxiety under control. This may mean forms of talk therapy, medication, journaling and paying attention to your triggers or all of the above. Managing the anxiety will make it that much easier to step away from the wall and find ways to keep from being overwhelmed by all the people, which will, in turn, make it much easier to meet people who are in the mood to meet you.

Getting that under control would then mean that this new concept of “you” would be in a better position to be warmer, more engaging and better able to connect with the people around you. That, in turn, makes it much more likely that you’re going to meet new, cool people, find new friends and possibly even new partners.

But that’s going to require your deciding to make those changes and committing to the process. It’s not quick, it’s not easy and the rewards aren’t always immediate, nor are they always obvious. It can take time, and the benefits may not come in the form that you might expect. But the ways they improve your life can’t be denied.

So if you’re really worried about where you’ll be in five years, then it’s time to start now. Think of it as the kindness you’re doing to your future self; you’re setting him up to have an incredible life, full of things that you can’t imagine yourself doing as you are today.

Start taking those steps now and that version of you will arrive sooner than you can believe.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, first things first: my partner (38NB, they/them) and I (28F) both have histories of abusive relationships. Their most recent partner before they met me was physically, sexually, and emotionally violent towards them; I had gotten out of a sexually predatory and abusive relationship with a much older man. We both understand that the trauma we’ve undergone shapes us, but does not define us. We’re working through it.

My problem is that I’m scared that I was simply the first partner in a long time to show them kindness and compassion, and that because of that they’ve spent the last five and a half years in a relationship in which, on some fundamental level, they do not want to be. This is in large part because I have a lot of flaws as a partner.

We live together and have done for nearly five years, but it was a case of me moving into their flat straight from my parents’ house rather than us picking a place together. I am long-term unemployed and contribute to household expenses as much as I am able but they’re still the primary breadwinner and I feel like I am leeching off them. I have triggers relating to showers (which I would rather not go into) that make personal hygiene difficult for me. I clean and help out and cook and the like, but I’ve had to learn how over the time we’ve lived together. I have serious depression and anxiety, for which I am receiving treatment and medication, but they had to poke and prod me into getting any treatment at all. I constantly feel like I have nothing to offer but being a considerate and caring partner – something that should be the default for any relationship, though the both of us are keenly aware that it is very much not.

Both of us drink heavily, something which lockdown has made worse, but they’re getting through a litre of gin every couple of days. They’re much more outgoing than I am and not being able to see their friends has hit them very hard indeed. When they’ve been drunk on the sofa, they’ve talked about how they didn’t see themselves ending up like this. Illness took their dreams of being a dancer in the West End, and now they’re pushing forty in a provincial fishing village that makes Toshi Station look like the height of urbane cosmopolitanism. And they look so sad when they say it. And then the next day, it’s like a switch has been flipped and it’s all smiles, and when I try to bring it up they brush it aside as me being paranoid. Which, to be entirely fair, is one of the symptoms of my anxiety disorder.

I love my partner, I really have to stress that. I love them with all my heart. I’m just terrified that I’m not worth loving back as much, and I can’t help but wonder whether or not I’m making my partner as happy as they make me. I struggle to tell what’s my paranoia and what’s a genuine issue that I should talk about with them. They’re a really awesome person and I just… worry that I’m nothing more than the first person to be a good partner, and that having had such an unbelievably fucking shitty partner for five years makes me look way better than I actually am.

We’ve been together, like I said, for five and a half years. I’ve been really happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. And I wonder if I’m the only one in the relationship who feels like that.

Or if it’s all in my head.

Thank you for reading,

Relevant Black Sabbath Song

DEAR RELEVANT BLACK SABBATH SONG: Well let’s get this out of the way first, RBSS: yes, your partner is settling for you. But you are also settling for them. This doesn’t mean that they’re choosing you because you’re the closest warm body that said yes, or only person they could end up in a relationship with. It means that everybody looks at their list of what they want in a partner and realizes that no one person can provide ALL the things they want. Everybody goes into a relationship saying “Ok, I’m willing to give up on X, Y or Z because what I do get from this person is worth it”. And that goes for you too; nobody gets 100% of what they want in a relationship, but they get enough that they’re happy with the exchange.

Problems only arise when somebody prioritizes “having a relationship” over “a relationship with a person I want to actually date” — they’re just trying to fill a whole marked “relationship”, rather than choosing that person specifically.

Now with that said, let’s talk about the specifics of your situation. First and foremost, I think you’re drastically undervaluing offering someone kindness and compassion and what that can mean to someone… especially someone who was in a horrifically abusive relationship. Being somebody that they can trust, somebody who is safe and reliable and lets them feel secure is no small thing. The sense of being able to let your guard down and let somebody in without having to tense up or be afraid of how they’ll treat you is huge. That’s not “well anyone could provide this” or something cheap or meaningless. It’s very, very important and I suspect it was at the top of your partner’s “must have” list. So stop talking yourself down on that level.

Similarly: you have your flaws. Ok… and? Everyone does. Maybe it means that you wouldn’t be compatible with some people. But you’re not dating those people, you’re dating your partner. Similarly, you have depression and anxiety and your partner has been poking and prodding you to get into therapy. Here’s the thing: they wouldn’t do that if they didn’t care. People, on the whole, don’t try to push folks they don’t like into getting help. And hey, if it helps you process things, look at this as your partner saying “here’s something you can do: taking care of yourself will make our relationship better.”

You’re also seeing this relationship on a transactional basis and worrying that things aren’t perfectly balanced. But perfect balance is for Thanos… all the rest of us deal with things being a little unequal on one side or the other. But not only is that not inherently a bad thing, successful relationships balance those aspects out in other ways. You aren’t the primary breadwinner, but there are other ways you contribute, both to the household and to the relationship. They can be anything from housework to being the emotional port that provides them safety from the storm.

And then there’s the part about “I didn’t think my life would end up like this”. First of all, a thing you need to keep in mind is that alcohol is a depressant in the literal and emotional sense of the word. As I’ve said before: we’re bad at understanding why we feel the way we do. Our brains don’t just feel emotions, they interpret the input they’re getting from the body and backfill the reasons for it after the fact. As a result, getting drunk can make you feel lower than you actually are because it’s depressing your nervous system. It can even drag up feelings that you’d resolved because it removes filters and hinders your judgement. So, just as getting drunk impairs a person’s ability to consent, because they may be agreeing to something they don’t actually want to do, your partner’s discussing how their life isn’t the way they expected doesn’t mean that they don’t like the way things are now. It just means that there’re things that they wish could’ve been different. And hey, we all have that. Show me somebody who doesn’t look at aspects of their life that they wish  could’ve gone differently and I’ll show you a fictional character. But life not going in the direction you expected doesn’t mean that they can’t be — or aren’t —  happy now.

Shit, 90% of Christmas movies are people discovering their lives aren’t going the way they expected and realizing that this is OK.

(The rest are about terrorists invading Nakatomi Plaza or crime waves in Gotham.)

The biggest problem you have isn’t that your partner is “settling” for you. It’s that you aren’t recognizing that what you’re giving them is actually very goddamn valuable indeed. Safety, security, care and love are huge. Are you perfect? No. Neither is anyone else. Are you The Perfect Partner? No… but neither are they. Are there things you could possibly do to make things balance out a bit more? Probably, and you can talk with your partner about ways that you could do this. But that’s not the same as “being a bad partner” or “being the first person to be nice to them”. The important question to ask is are they happy? And are you happy?

And then it’s your responsibility to listen and take yes for an answer. Because the thing that’s worse than “settling” for somebody? That’s being told you’re settling, when you really aren’t. It’s telling your partner that you love them and being called a liar for saying that. Yes, there are things you can work on; everyone has those. And it may well be worth doing so, when you can differentiate actual areas of improvement from your anxiety dripping poison in your ear.

But most importantly: you need to recognize your worth and value and how important the things you contribute actually are. Being kind, caring and supportive isn’t just baseline, it’s important and it’s clearly something your partner lacked, desperately needs and that you provide. Don’t diminish that. And don’t steal misery from the future; enjoy what you have now.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com