Doctor’s Note: today’s column deals with talk of sexual assault in the context of people pretending to not consent to sexual activities.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old male, and I’m dating a 24 year old woman, we’ve been together about two months so far, and it’s mostly been very positive. We have healthy boundaries, no end of things to talk on, and well-matched sexually, for the most part. That’s why I’m writing.

See, while we’re mostly great for each other sexually, I have one thing that I feel a bit hung up on, and it’s not so much any fantasy of mine, or hers, more that I expressed discomfort with something, and I regret doing so now…

To be specific, she mentioned that she would really like to roleplay dubious consent scenarios, and at first, I thought I couldn’t deal with that, I’m a person with a lot of feelings of guilt, and ultimately, I thought for sure I’d be unable to bring myself to even consensually act out non-consent. She said it was okay, and that she’d not pursue that route with me if it made me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I gave it more thought, and realized that it’s ultimately something that is roleplay, and we can still define clear lines of what is and isn’t acceptable in that scenario with safewords and the like, and with such safeguards in place, I feel better about it. The thing is, I’m a bit hesitant to say that I’m willing to revisit that conversation, because I worry she’ll think I’m trying to make her feel better, and that I’m not really comfortable with it, more putting on a “brave face”, something she said she very much didn’t want me to do.

My question here, is pretty simple: How do I bring it up that I’ve given it more thought, and that I’m willing to try it, without it seeming insincere in that fashion?

-Safe, Sane, and Consensual

DEAR SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL: So, before I get to your question SSC, let’s talk a little bit about kinks — particularly what’s known as consensual non-consent — and the importance of being what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game”.

First, let’s talk a little about why the idea of GGG can be important in relationships. The idea behind it is that what any person should expect from their partner is that they will be good in bed, giving of pleasure and as a lover, and game to try the things that their partner is into, even if they’re not necessarily into it themselves. The last one is especially important because of what it means to your partner: it means that you’re listening to them and being considerate of their interests and desires. It helps your partner feel heard, acknowledged and valued. And it isn’t just competing sex-advice-columnists who recommend this. Studies have found that couples who engaged in what researchers called “sexual transformations” — trying new things — had better sex lives and higher levels of relationship satisfaction overall. Many times, being game means that while you may not be into whatever it is your partner wants to try, you’ll do it for them because they enjoy it. So while it may not rev your motor, the fact that it does the trick for your partner can often make it pleasurable for you as well.

This is one of the things that people often misunderstand; the fact that you’re not turned on by the act, or that you’re doing it for them doesn’t mean that you’re “doing it to make them feel better”. What you’re doing is agreeing to do something for your partner specifically because you care about their pleasure and this is something they enjoy. So while it may not be your thing, it’s one that you’re willing to do because it makes them feel good.

But let’s talk about the kink itself. A lot of kinks focus around what’s known as power-exchange — that is, one partner choosing to give up power to the other in one form or another. While the most common version of this tends to follow a dominant/submissive dynamic, there are a wide variety of ways this can play out. Beyond the stereotype of the dominatrix with whips and floggers, you can find forms of rope-play and immobilization, master/slave, erotic hypnosis, “bimbofication”, teacher/student or — as in your case, SSC, dubious consent or consensual non-consent. In all of these, one partner is in the position of having power over the other. It may be power to inflict some form of punishment, to command their partner to do things or otherwise compel them to act or perform in the way the dominant or top wants.

The kink your girlfriend is into, SSC, is what’s known as “consensual non-consent”. In this case, it involves playing out scenarios in which one partner either has their consent overridden, is in a position where they can’t consent or doesn’t consent and the other partner ravishes them. Notice very carefully that I say “ravish”, rather than “assaults” or “rapes”. I use that word specifically for two reasons. The first is that in CNC scenes, everything is scripted out; the roles, the acts, often even dialogue. It’s carefully planned, often in great detail, along with limits and safewords. The second reason is that these scenes aren’t about glorifying sexual assault, but often much more in line with the old-school romance novel idea of someone succumbing to someone; the person being ravished (often the one who planned and arranged everything) is giving up control and responsibility, taking their pleasure in letting the top have complete control of them. It’s an extreme form of power exchange, and one that many people find appealing.

But a lot of people also find it squicky. There’re folks in kink circles who view CNC with something of a skeptical eye because it — understandably — has the very real potential to go badly. Others are — again, understandably — uncomfortable with role-playing non-consensual scenarios, or may well be triggered by it because of their own history. And of course, there are folks who aren’t into it or repulsed by it because… well, it’s play-acting what in the real world is an incredibly violent and violating act. So it is, needless to say, not for everyone.

And it seems like you were in the latter category at first, SSC, which is totally legit. Which actually rolls back around to the idea of being GGG.

When this concept is brought up, people often stumble over the last G, which is often put out as “being game for anything”. But that’s because they forget, or haven’t heard, the most important part: game for trying new things within reason. There are things that you may be neutral on, things that you feel a little weird about but can push through because of what it does for your partner… and then there’re the hard no’s, the stuff that is out of the question for you. Sometimes it can be because it’s an extreme kink or varsity level interest — cuckolding, edgeplay and the like. Other times, it can be something that just absolutely squicks you out or triggers you. CNC can definitely hit that limit for folks and that’s ok. That’s perfectly reasonable and understandable.

But you, SSC, did some research and gave it some serious consideration and came to the conclusion that this is something you could conceivably do. As you said: it’s just roleplaying, with some fairly stringent guidelines and guardrails. And you know what? Good on you for being willing to examine your feelings on it and to decide that you’re willing to give it a try for your girlfriend. That’s awesome.

Now how do you tell her that you’ve changed your mind?

That part’s easy: same way you told me. You say “you know, I’ve given it a lot of thought. It’s clearly something you enjoy and now that I’ve thought about it more, I’m willing to give this a try. How about we talk about how this would play out and what kind of scenario you’d want to explore?” Ask relevant questions, have her clarify things you may not understand… just make it clear that you’re listening and that you’re going to take this seriously and be an enthusiastic participant.

Now to be perfectly clear: when I say “talk about how this would play out”, you’re just talking about the general structure of things. When you and your girlfriend decide you want to actually do the scene, you and she need to talk this through extensively, down to every little detail. That means you and she need to be able to talk openly, completely and clearly about everything. You want to talk about what acts she wants, which ones are absolutely off the table, what areas on her that are off limits, as well as not just safe words  but safe signals for times when she can’t speak or may be in a state where verbalizing isn’t possible.

Also: make sure that you schedule time for aftercare, after the scene… potentially a lot of time. You’re going to want to take that time to come down, release the roles you two were playing and get back to being yourselves again… and provide a lot of reassurance that this was not real. Aftercare can take on a lot of forms — reassuring touch like brushing hair, cuddling, hot drinks are all classics for a reason — but you and your girlfriend should discuss what aftercare she’s going to want or need before you have the scene. And the more intense or extreme the scene, the more aftercare you’re going to want to provide.

Just remember: more than anything else, all of this is going to be about communication, communication, communication. Talking about how you feel and why you changed your mind, discussing with her what she wants to try and how it would all play out, limits, expectations and needs… these are all going to be what not only reassure her that yes, you’re cool with doing this, but making sure you and she have the best time possible.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I woke up in March and April of 2020 to the fact that I was an obese virgin that had no chance whatsoever of finding a girl to be in a relationship with, let alone just hook up with. After almost killing myself I decided to try and change. Between May and November of 2020 I lost 50lbs (from 205lbs to 155lbs) and started working out in September, meaning that technically I’ve improved my looks a lot. I still think I look terrible, though, even though I have no loose skin or anything like that. I think my face is awful, and an average build doesn’t seem to be good enough these days.

And I’m still a 23 year old virgin. I didn’t used to care, but it hit me like a truck when the pandemic hit. This weighs on me so heavily that I can’t seem to gain any confidence from my weight loss. With all social events and gatherings cancelled that most people recommend I should be going to now that I supposedly look better it seems that I’m doomed to graduate college a virgin. One of the worst things is that I have a job on campus at a building frequented by everyone and see so many couples just doing their thing, as if it’s proof that something is wrong with me because I couldn’t date or hookup before Covid and still can’t afterwards.

My grades are good, I have disposable income for dates, I have a job, but I can’t seem to find a girl interested. Considering how things are I feel like I truly will be missing the boat when I graduate. No girl wants to f--k a 24, 25, 26+ year old virgin these days, at least that’s the way I feel a lot of the time. I feel like I’ll never find someone to be in a relationship with if I couldn’t meet a single girl in college that liked me. I’m not asking for advice on how to hook up or anything like that, I’d just like to know some advice on how to get over being a virgin, or better accept that I’m more than likely going to be alone for the long haul.

— First Time, No Time

DEAR FIRST TIME, NO TIME: Alright FTNT, first of all: congratulations. Dropping 50 lbs is a lot of work, especially during the pandemic, when everything is on lockdown, you have infinitely more stress and you have fewer opportunities for working out.

But what you’re dealing with is something a lot of folks have experienced after significant weight loss — or even, in some cases, after major plastic surgery: that change didn’t magically fix everything for you. You’re still the same person you were before… you just wear smaller clothes. Losing fifty pounds is an accomplishment and I hope you feel good about having achieved it, but it was never going to be the magic bullet for you. This is because your body shape wasn’t the issue; the way you view yourself is.

If you look at your letter, you can see the signs all over the place. You list at a lot of externals, such as your weight, your job and your grades as evidence that you should be able to get dates, and the fact that you can’t is proof that something’s wrong with you as a person.  Hell, you started your letter describing yourself: an obese virgin with no chance of ever meeting someone. It’s pretty clear that “obese” and “virgin” are intended as shorthand for “look at how awful and unlovable I am”, which is precisely the issue. You’re coming to this from the position that you’re inherently unlovable and unf--kable. And while you’ve made changes — again, no shade, you’ve put in a lot effort — your weight wasn’t the problem. There’re a lot of women who like big burly guys who look like how hugs feel — just look at some of the love that K. Trevor Wilson gets as Squirrely Dan. Neither, for that matter, is your being a virgin. In fact, there’re lots of women — in the comments here, on the DNL Facebook group, on Twitter and elsewhere — who’ve talked about the older virgins they’ve been with and how enjoyable those experiences have been.

Here’s a truth: your biggest obstacle is that, honestly, you don’t sound like you like yourself very much. It sounds like you run yourself down a lot, especially in your own head. That’s going to have a direct effect on your love life because your attitude is destiny. You’ve set yourself up for failure because you’ve defined yourself as being unlovable or undesirable and that’s going to hit everything you do. To start with, there’s the fact that you still insist that you’re ugly and that nobody will want to f--k a virgin. And while the snarky answer is “not with that attitude”, the truth is… well, yeah, not with that attitude. When you run yourself down like this, you cut your legs out from under yourself and fail before you even start. Not because you’re right and you’re too ugly or whatever, but because you believe you are and so you won’t make the first move of approaching someone. “Why would I,” says your jerkbrain, “nobody could possibly be attracted to me, so what’s the point?” If you do get pushed into talking to somebody, you’re more likely to half-ass it because why bother when it’s a foregone conclusion? Or you’ll be more likely to bail at the first sign of “trouble” — and by trouble, I mean “first thing that your jerkbrain decides is a sign that they’re not interested”. And even if you do get a number, then you’re not likely to actually, y’know. Text ’em. Or call. Or set up a date. Why? Because, again: you’ve already decided that they couldn’t possibly be into you. And so, often without having so much as made a move, decided that you’ve already failed and you’re just destined to be lonely.

And that all comes before the way your attitude is likely to come across to the people you do talk to. There’s a reason that Eeyore isn’t a sex-symbol, after all.

The same goes from your watching the “lucky” couples or the idea that nobody wants to f--k a man who’s a virgin in his 20s. Ignoring the fact that you’re still fairly well in the median rage of the “first sexual experience” bell-curve, these thoughts and beliefs don’t have any grounding in truth; they’re just a form of psychic self-harm. Telling yourself that this is an inexorable fact is like an emotional version of cutting; there’s a perverse sort of satisfaction in telling yourself that you’re resolutely f--ked. But these are beliefs, not facts; the main reason you accept them as truth is because they hurt. It’s what YouTuber Natalie Wynn calls “masochistic epistemology“: if it hurts, it must be true. And the more it hurts, the more it goes from being a truth to THE TRVTH. So the idea that your being a virgin means that you’re stuck being a virgin — a catch-22 if ever there was one — becomes one of the fundamental laws of your inner universe. And because we all have a negative confirmation bias, you’re much more likely to take any reference to the unf--kability of an older virgin — whether it’s some rando on Reddit or a barely heard conversation on campus — as TRVTH handed down on stone tablets. Even when there’re plenty of women saying “um, no, totally f--ked an older virgin, it was great”.

And this attitude continues with the artificial deadline you’ve given yourself. I mean… let’s say that you graduate without having had sex. And? While this seems vitally important to you right now, the truth is that the only person this will matter to is you… and only because you’ve decided that this is cutoff. I mean, what if you decide to take an extra year? Does that push the deadline back? The logic makes little sense because it’s not about logic, it’s about feelings… and in this case, your feelings are lying to you.

Now the thing that’s most important in your letter is something that you breezed over: you apparently had a suicide attempt. That, my friend, is the single biggest indicator that you need to be talking to a therapist. And the good thing is that, as a college student, you have access to health services through your school. You should be taking full advantage of this; there’re few times in your life when you’ll have as ready access to mental health professionals for free, or at a much more affordable rate. As someone who’s dealt with his own mental health issues: trust me, that’s not something you can just muscle your way through it.

So that’s my first suggestion: get thee to the health services department, go. Make an appointment ASAP and start the process of addressing your mental health with the same determination that helped you lose fifty pounds.

My next suggestion: you need to be your own best friend. Let’s be real here, FTNT: would you put up with one of your friends insulting themselves like that? Would you stand by and just shrug at someone saying the things you’re saying? Or would you encourage them, point out that they’re wrong and do your damndest to make them realize that they’re wrong?

That’s the exact energy you should be bringing to yourself. That kindness, compassion and support that you would give to your best friend is what you should be giving yourself. Whether it’s shutting down the voice of your jerkbrain when it starts going off about how unlovable you are, pointing out how often feels aren’t reals or even just learning to treat yourself with empathy and gentle kindness, you need to be a friend to yourself.

And one of the ways you can do that? Stop treating yourself like you’re ugly or undeserving. Were I to guess — and I feel fairly confident in this because hey, been there done that — you are dressing much the same way you did back before you lost weight. I’m willing to bet that you’re still waiting for the point when you’re “ready” or “deserve” to dress up sharp or in the way that “Future You” will. But here’s the thing: you can start that now. Now is the perfect time to start treating yourself the way your Future Self would. In fact, this is part of what will bring Future You into being. As weird as it sounds, the way we dress directly affects how we feel about ourselves. It’s an outward expression of how we feel about ourselves… and our brains respond to it. If you dress like a slob, you tend to feel worse; I mean, look at your slovenly self in those ragged, ill-fitting pants and stained shirt. But dress up like you’re a million bucks… you start to feel like it. And that feeling reinforces itself; you feel better about yourself, so you dress better and carry yourself with more confidence. Because you’re dressing better and carrying yourself with more confidence, you start to feel more confident. And because you’re exhibiting greater confidence, other people will respond to that confidence… which in turn, makes you more confident.

This is why “faking it ’til you make it” is so important; you’re training yourself to become the future version of you, instead of waiting for the day he mysteriously shows up.

However, I think there’s a factor you aren’t considering, FTNT: we’re still in the middle of the most difficult times in living memory. There’s a global pandemic going on, more than 400,000 Americans have died and we’ve barely even started to crawl out of the mess that the Trump presidency left us in. One of the things that people don’t realize is that the stress of the pandemic is affecting everything we do. It’s eaten up our emotional bandwidth and turned up the volume on our anxieties and fears. We’re all stressed and we’re all dealing with reduced capacity. Much of what you’re dealing with is being exacerbated by how goddamn hard it all is right now. And that’s why it’s more important than ever that you go easy on yourself. We’re all carrying much heavier burdens than we realize and wondering why we’re not as happy, productive or otherwise normal as we were when we weren’t living under the spectre of a virulent plague.

Oh, and one more thing: you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, FTNT. I realize things feel hopeless and pointless, but they’re not. They’re hard as hell, yeah… but you’ve proven you’re stronger. You’ve pulled yourself back from the brink of suicide, you’ve made significant changes to your life… those all take a lot of strength and courage. That alone is proof that you can do incredible things if you put your mind to it. If you want proof that things can get better… just look at how far you’ve come and how much you’ve already accomplished. You’ve done a lot, my dude, and that just goes to show how much potential you have.

So do yourself a favor and shake off some of the burden you’re carrying by getting to health services and talking to a counselor or therapist. That alone is going to be the single greatest gift you can give yourself this year. And when you let go of some of those burdens, you’ll have even greater capacity for not just improvement, but kindness and self-compassion. Those will be what help you build a happier, more fulfilling life.

You’ve got a great future waiting for you, NTFT. You just have to reach out and take it. You’ve got this. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve known this girl since high-school, which was 5 or 6 years ago. We were pretty close for some time, before I joined the Army in 2015 and she joined the Air Force in 2016. She’s known that I “loved” her — or at least thought I loved her — since the 2nd year in our friendship. She’s politely declined and told me where she stands and her thoughts. 

Cut to the middle of 2020, she was in New Orleans and Snapchatted me very cute pictures and some of them were a serious lust look and she had clearly been drinking. Our conversations carried on for a week or two before I asked her if she remembered Snapchatting at  me first on such and such date, and she said she didn’t remember. That kinda hurt but I wasn’t really surprised since I had the feeling since that night. 

(She the kind of girl that I would let her rip my heart out, stomp on it and leave me left for dead basically.) 

She Snapchatted me last night saying someone at the bar looked like me and she was a little tipsy for sure. And then she went on for a couple minutes kind of complimenting me saying how much I’ve matured, and grown, and seem better than I was when I was in high school. She went home and she didn’t reply to my last snap, so I sent her a good night message and she opened it this morning and hasn’t responded to me sense. 

We’ve never dated, kissed, or anything before. She sent me letters with her perfume on them, her senior pictures when I was in Basic Training. And we currently live 1,000 miles away from each other and we haven’t seen each other since 2018.

What should I think and or do about this situation? 

Thank you for your time!

Where Do I Go From Here?

DEAR WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE: Amusingly enough, WDIGFH, this actually reminds me of an old opener that was taught back in my PUA days. It was known as “The Drunk ‘I Love You’s” opener and it went like this: “Hey, I’ve been having a discussion with my friend and I wanted to get an outsider’s/woman’s opinion on something. Do you think that drunk ‘I love you’s’ count?” And from there, either you tried to ground the story in how you thought they didn’t but your friend insisted they did, or you riffed off whatever the person you were talking to replied with.

Amusingly: men tended to say “yes”, women tended to say “no”… but only about the opposite gender.

Now that being said: this doesn’t really mean anything, WDIGFH. There are three factors at play.

The first is that you had — or have — this history of your crush on your friend and having been turned down.

The second is that you haven’t seen each other in person in two+ years, and you live more than a thousand miles apart.

The third is that she was drunk — or at least a little tipsy.

(The bonus factor is that Jesus-f--knuts-Christ, she’s going to bars and getting drunk during the goddamn pandemic??)

Now from the way you phrase things, I’m assuming that you and she were actually in contact before she snapped you from New Orleans and that this wasn’t a “notification-out-of-the-clear-blue-sky” situation. I’m also assuming that these were sent to you, specifically, and not to her entire contacts list. That would mean that it’s not unusual for you and her to talk — whether Snapchat is your primary point of contact or not. And when that’s the case… well, it’s not unusual for someone to send a “hey look I’m having fun!” message to their friends. Especially if they feel like they look great and even more so if they’re a little tipsy. Since the dawn of cheap or unlimited SMS and MMS on cellular plans, many a person has fallen to the siren call of drunk-texting friends, exes or folks you barely know… often with a “guess who’s druuuuuuuunk” message.

Just as frequently, folks have looked at their message history in the cold light of sobriety and thought “Oh…. f--k.” The morning-after shame/embarrassment of drunk-texting can be mighty indeed. This is one way that Snapchat has been a godsend; because the messages disappear after viewing, it means that there’s less evidence to bolster your regret along with your hangover. As a result, folks who’ve been a little loosened up after a couple drinks may send texts or pics or both that they would never send in the cold light of sobriety — the classic “well it seemed like a good idea at the time.” After all, if you know that the pics will vanish — and you’re alerted if someone screenshots it — then you’re less likely to be worried about the potential fallout.

Now that having been said: just because the pictures or the texts disappear doesn’t mean that the after-the-fact embarrassment or awkwardness does. For many folks — just as people have done after having had a few too many drinks and then making out with someone they wouldn’t have or spilling their guts out to someone — the answer is to just pretend that it never happened and stuff the entire thing down the memory hole. When folks bring it up — as you did, with your friend — they will pretend that they have no memory of the event and fervently hope that the other person will either believe them, or take the hint and agree that why no, they clearly have no memory of this and we should just pretend it never happened.

Which is basically what your friend is doing here. While it’s certainly possible that she has only hazy recollections of that night, it’s more likely that she realizes she may have given you the wrong idea and is trying to shut down the entire conversation.

Here’s the thing: I think that you’re reading more into this than there actually is. While she may have been having fun pulling faces for the camera in New Orleans, I suspect that your history of feelings for her is coloring your interpretation of things — a sort of d--kful thinking, if you will. I have no doubt that she views you with affection and thinks you’re a great guy. In fact, that’s pretty much what she was telling you in the more recent message: that you’ve matured a lot and seem like you’ve grown and improved since high-school. I believe she is 100% sincere about this and absolutely meant every word. But I don’t think she was telling you because she’s developing feelings or because she was drunk and horny. I think in both cases, these were alcohol-induced “thinking of my friend” moments, not “my feelings have changed”. In fact, the odds of things changing are fairly remote. While it’s true that time and growth can hit the Cosmic Reset Button on a friendship and make someone see the other in ways they didn’t before, the fact that there’s that much distance and that much time between seeing each other in person makes it far less likely. Instead, I think it’s fairly safe to say that this was a person who had a few drinks, decided to text a friend and goof around a bit. The second time, I think she was legitimately paying you a compliment about your growth as a person.

But I think that you’re reading more into things than that.

The best thing I think you can do here is follow her lead. Take these as nothing serious, accept the compliment for what it is… but realize that these are messages for a friend, not for a potential lover.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com