DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I guess I have questions… or maybe thoughts? It’s complicated.

I’m a cis gay man. I think? I think that’s a part of it.

I wish I was more masculine. I feel like my life would have been a lot easier if I had been… that it would be easier in the future if I were… I kind of hate that it never came naturally to me. Never has. Probably never will. And, it gets hard. I feel like I’m not allowed certain sports or hobbies or… just things in general, because I’m not “masculine” enough for them. Honestly, same thing when it comes to “feminine” things to. I feel like I’m not allowed to want them because I won’t fit in… should I just give up on them, or try to force it? I’m too fem to be masc and too masc to be fem… but like… I kind of want to be both?

So it makes me wonder… am I a man? I mean. It fits… sort of? I often feel like I’m not the right kind of man or am sort of a “failure” as a man. That’s probably just a lot of internalized bulls--t that is really toxic. Doesn’t help that I have certain people in my life who will tell me they accept me, then police my gender in the next breath.

But does all of this make me nonbinary? I’m not sure.

And sex… oh sex… Never done it before. Sex is a complicated thing for me. Given the fact that gay men can be so fixated on masculinity, I feel like a somewhat fem (and fat) guy like me will never be found attractive. Kind of sucks, to be honest. It’s to the point where I can’t imagine myself having sex with someone. I can’t imagine myself being seen as a sexual being or seen as sexy… or even sexual. I can’t really connect with my own sexuality, to the point where I wonder if I’m damaged or have too little self-esteem or if I’m just… not into it.

Funny enough, I jokingly call myself “the pervert friend”, because I’m comfortable talking about sexuality. I’m very open. I just haven’t done anything. I’m pretty sure I want it. I want to be loved. I want to want someone and be wanted by someone. I want intimacy. I’m pretty sure I want sex… ?

So… I guess I just don’t know if the labels I’ve used for myself for the past several years fit anymore. I mean, I clearly have a lot of unpacking to do, a lot of unhealthy relationships to manage, and a lot of thinking to do. But, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if this is just the thoughts of someone who feels that he doesn’t fit the mold and, therefore, must clearly be something else. I don’t know what to think.

I guess I’m asking for even some reassurance.

I don’t know the answers. I don’t expect you to know all the answers either.

But what would you say to someone like me?

Cheers,

Dazed and Confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: Alright D&C, before we get to your question, I want to lead with my standard caveat: I’m a straight, cis guy. This means my advice comes from that perspective, and there’re things that I may miss that would be glaringly obvious to someone with different experiences. So take anything I have to say with appropriate levels of salt and skepticism. I also encourage my LGBTQ, genderfluid and non-binary readers to share their thoughts and experiences; they will have insights I don’t have.

Now with that in mind:

My first question for you D&C is, do you wish you were more masculine because you want to be more masculine? Or because it feels like you’re supposed to be?

My second question would be what, exactly, does being “more masculine” mean to you? Do you mean more traditionally masculine? Having more stereotypical masculine interests? Being taller, more muscular and more male-presenting? Being more aggressive and assertive? Would these be because this is what you want, or because it would be more in keeping of what others expect from you?

One of the things that I always try to tell people is that the restrictive, limited ideas of masculinity are just that: ideas. They’re ideas that’re encouraged by the culture at large… but they’re not inherently definitive, and many of them are toxic to the people who try to live up to them and to society in general. Part of what’s astounding is how many things are considered to be “unmanly” or “off limits” to men and male-presenting folks because… well, because f--k you, that’s why. This includes anything from wearing certain colors, to what hobbies they can pursue, to wearing more floral scents, to taking baths or practicing basic skin care. Meanwhile, “manly” virtues include doing things that will get you hurt or killed and prioritizing those above things like “not needing to send people into danger in the first place”. Wearing a dress or makeup is seen as being worse or more damaging than, say, drinking to excess, getting into fights or strutting about like a would-be vigilante to “protect” your family from danger (rather than, say, wearing a mask or getting vaccinated). To many, it’s better to be treated as a disposable resource than to — let me check my notes here — wear a dress or use singular “they/them” pronouns.

The truth is that gender is as much of a social construct as it is biological determinism. You’re fully capable of engaging in those hobbies regardless of whether you have a Y chromosome or not. You aren’t a more or less effective knitter, for example, based on your relative estrogen or testosterone levels. Being a caregiver isn’t affected by chromosomal pairings. People can be s--tty about these things… but then again, people can be s--tty about anything. As I write this, E3 has started and people are getting into arguments about goddamn video game trailers. People gatekeep over the stupidest goddamn things, whether it’s your gender identity (or lack thereof) or which version of D&D you enjoy.

(No, seriously. There are people who are pissed off at Critical Role and The Adventure Zone for making D&D popular and more accessible.)

Now the question of whether you’re non-binary or genderfluid or not isn’t something I can tell you. It’s certainly a possibility. I know plenty of folks who have more masc days and more femme days and roll with that. I know people who are non-binary and don’t really identify with any particular gender, some who are more agender and some who are one gender but embrace their interests and aspects of their personality that fall on the other side of the gender spectrum. So it could well be that you’re a bit more on the fluid side of things and hey, that’s absolutely valid and real.

It could also be that you’re a man who just has non-traditionally masculine interests and non-typical gender expression. And that’s valid too. Li’l Nas X and Billy Porter aren’t any less male for looking fabulous in a dress. By that same token, Jonathan Van Ness isn’t any less nonbinary (who uses he/him pronouns) for all that he wears facial hair and an enviable mustache.

And it could well be that you aren’t sure yet and you’re still figuring things out. That’s just as real, just as legitimate and just as valid. Gender can be a complicated thing and processing what you’ve been told you’re supposed to be vs. what you are can take time and exploration. You may need time to find an answer for yourself and, during that time, you may be trying out aspects or identities to find the one that’s the right fit for you.

What I can say is that there are many, many ways to be a man. Being fat or having a more femme presentation doesn’t make someone less of a man; it just makes them a fat man or a femme-presenting man. David Bowie was no less of a man for all of the ways he f--ked around with gender and gender presentation. Men — cis or trans — can present in any number of ways, from softbois to thick, muscled fireplugs; they’re still men. Who wants you and who doesn’t has no bearing on your gender, for that matter. Being fat may mean that you’re not some people’s particular flavor of yum, but there’re also dudes who want a guy or nonbinary special someone who looks the way hugs feel.

You’re right in that you have some s--tty relationships to manage and some stuff to unpack, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to a therapist who understands queer identities and gender issues. But it also wouldn’t hurt to talk to other folks who fall on different parts of the gender spectrum as well and get their perspectives. There’re also a number of resources out there that can be helpful for unpacking your gender and your feelings around masculinity and femininity.

Pride.com has a list of resources, including Life Outside the Binary and Let’s Queer Things Up. Genderspectrum.org also has a list of online resources, including various online support and discussion groups for folks of various ages. Genderqueer.me likewise has a list of available online resources for folks wanting to know more about non-binary and genderfluid identities as well as LGBT issues. These can give you a starting place for unpacking some of your feelings and questions, as well as connect you with a number of different communities where you can ask questions and get support.

But regardless, there’s one thing to consider: fitting the mold or not isn’t a sign of succeeding or failing at being a particular gender. The “mold” is about commonality and expectations, not rigid definitions. Not fitting perfectly into one particular version of gender doesn’t mean that you have failed or that you’re “something else”. It may mean that yes, that your gender is different or more fluid than your biological sex. Or it may just mean that you’re wonderfully and uniquely you and your not fitting into a particular mold just means that its a bad fit. Better to find what fits you than to try to cram yourself into something too small, too restrictive and unable to handle your awesomeness.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if I could get some general advice about boundaries.

I’m pretty bad at setting boundaries with people. I’ve gotten better over the years, but when it’s anything other than the easiest of situations, I go into a total freeze response.

I think a lot of this has to do with my past. I grew up with a mom who would scream at me, push me, or threaten me if I tried to speak up for myself. She would also gaslight me and tell me that what I needed was wrong or stupid, or mock me and call me names. This led to me learning to either keep my mouth shut to avoid her notice, or trying to blow up at her too which honestly never worked, and I ultimately gave up using this as a tactic.

I set the ultimate boundary with my mom a year ago and now she is no longer a part of my life (ironic I know) but I still carry my old responses inside me, which is to shut down and be unable to speak. I am also autistic and so autistic shutdown can happen to me when I’m stressed.

This affects me in my personal relationships. I am afraid that people will either scream at me or leave me if I try to speak up for myself, even though intellectually I know that’s not true. At this point I don’t keep people like my mom in my life anymore. My friends are all very kind people and emotionally intelligent. So the issue is entirely within me.

I’ve caught myself on occasion becoming controlling and passive aggressive trying to get my needs met, and that’s the last thing I want to do to my loved ones. I also tend to shut down communication completely with people, leading to loss of friendship when it might not be necessary. And I know I give off an air of “don’t mess with me” in public which doesn’t reflect my inner personality but feels safer. I know these patterns aren’t helping me – they are all extremes when I want moderation – but I’m at a loss for how to change them.

I have a therapist who specializes in trauma counseling, however the work I am doing with her is slow and tedious (we’ve been at it for almost a decade now, and we’ve even talked about me trying another therapist since my current counselor doesn’t specialize in autism and that might make a difference). I would really appreciate some practical advice about things I can do on a day to day basis to increase my ability to speak up for myself and set boundaries. Are there exercises I can do when I’m alone? Do I need to be around others to get better at this?

Situations that I’m afraid of include having to say no to a guy I don’t want to date or have sex with (I am heteroflexible and cis-female), telling someone I can’t give them a particular amount of my time or energy on a given day, telling someone I don’t appreciate something they said (whether insulting or insensitive, or even just disagreeing with someone on an opinion), or even something as simple as asking someone to turn down music that’s too loud. Like, who am I to ask someone to alter their behavior or preferences on my behalf? (I also have self-esteem issues that definitely contribute to this).

Just writing this letter makes me realize how unnecessarily tentative and scared I am in the face of something that would seem so simple, but I’m at a loss right now and could use help figuring out some practical solutions as well as what my blind spots might be. I really appreciate your grounded and balanced perspective with these things, so thank you in advance.

Need ‘Nother No

DEAR NEED ‘NOTHER NO: I’m so sorry you went through all that abuse with your mother, N3. It says a lot about your strength and courage that you were able to take care of yourself and get her out of your life, and I think you don’t give yourself enough credit for how hard that must have been. Even when you know they’re harming you, it can be incredibly difficult to draw the line with family and say “I won’t let you hurt me like this any longer”. I think it’s important that you acknowledge that you have this strength and that you’re capable of incredible bravery. It doesn’t matter that the idea of standing up for yourself is still terrifying; the fact that you can do it at all is a sign of the courage you have. As a certain general once said: “Be afraid, but do it anyway”.

So let’s get into how you can shift some of those old patterns that no longer serve you and build new ones.

First and foremost: I think you’re making the right call with trying another therapist. Therapy is a lot like dating in a lot of ways; you want a therapist you have chemistry (of a sort) with, who you feel understands you and who listens and gives you help that actually meets your needs. If things aren’t working out, you feel like you aren’t making progress with them or you simply don’t click with them, then not only are you well within your rights to break up with them, but it’s frequently a good idea. You don’t want to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for you, just because you’ve been in it for a length of time; the same applies to doctors, therapists and other professionals. And, in a real way, this is great practice for enforcing your boundaries. After all, having boundaries is ultimately about advocating for your needs. Drawing a boundary is about saying “this is bad for me, I won’t put up with this.” You are choosing to prioritize your own emotional safety and needs over someone else’s comfort or convenience; you recognize that this is something you need to do for yourself and you are unapologetic for doing so.

But the next step, I think, would be about learning to be comfortable with saying “no” or otherwise advocating for yourself. It sounds to me like part of what’s bothering you is that you feel as though you’re stuck at extremes: a fawn or freeze response or shutting folks down hardcore, with little in between. To be fair: this is entirely understandable. You spent your formative years with someone who not only ran roughshod over your boundaries but who would punish you for trying to have them. It makes complete sense that you would feel like your only option would be to go straight to a 10; after all, you were in an abusive relationship and going to an 11 was how you ultimately had to protect yourself. When it feels like nothing but the extremes will actually help, it’s hard to fault someone who feels like those are her only options.

I think being able to practice saying “no” or asking for what you need in a safe space would go a long way towards helping you feel comfortable achieving that moderation you’re looking for. Knowing that you are not only capable of a softer response but that your softer response would be listened to and respected would help you feel empowered to give them.

As cheesy as it may sound, practicing just saying “no” or expressing yourself (“could you please not say that?” “Would you mind turning down the volume?” “No, thank you, I’m not interested in a date”) on your own might be a good start. Whether you’re practicing saying it to a mirror, to your webcam, to a silent video of someone else just listening or even a rubber duck, actually saying the words out loud can help. Think of it like doing drills for sports or a kata in martial arts; you’re practicing the motions so that they become part of your muscle memory. That way, you don’t have to think about how to shape the words, how to intone things… you just do it.

Similarly, your friends may be able to help as well. First, they may be willing to help you practice — think of it as going from doing drills to a practice scrimmage. Saying “no, thank you” to someone in the flesh — even when that’s literally all you’re doing — can help you get used to actually doing it. If you trust them — and it sounds like they’re trustworthy — you might ask about doing some structured role-plays of situations you’re afraid of encountering. You would want to make sure that you plan things out in advance so they don’t accidentally end up triggering your trauma, but being able to practice facing those scenarios could help you feel confident enough and empowered to face them when it “counts”.

You can also ask your friends to reassure you that yes, you’re allowed to say no or to draw a line and they aren’t going to get mad at you for it. You may know that you can do that intellectually, but having your friends say so explicitly may make it easier for you to actually believe it and internalize it.

It may also help to have a two strikes policy when it comes to enforcing a boundary at first. Instead of feeling like you have only “total permission” and “scorched earth” settings, having a policy of escalation could give you some guidelines towards how firmly to push back against someone. The first no is gentle and polite, the second no is firmer, and the third is “I SAID NO,” possibly with flames and a “motherfucker” for emphasis. Knowing you have this policy may also help you feel confident enough to lower that “FUCK OFF” energy that you feel like you need to carry around to protect yourself. Not all the way… but enough that you feel like the self that you’re presenting to the world is more in line with who you are inside.

And while I wouldn’t say you should go looking for times to say “no, thank you” or draw a line, making a point of doing so, gently, when the opportunity arises, would also be good practice. At the very least, it may help you calibrate yourself, so that you won’t feel like you need to play an ace when a two will do.

But more than anything else, the thing you should realize is that you are fully capable of doing this. You’ve already shown just how brave and capable you are and how strong you can be. You’ve been through the nightmare scenario already and you were able to reach within yourself, find your strength and you were able to light your darkest hour. You can do it again when you need to, and to the level that you need.

So TL;DR: find a therapist who’s right for you, practice on your own and with friends and set some guidelines for yourself while you get used to being able to speak up when you need to, at the level you need to.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a cis woman who has been happily married to a kind, gentle, cis man for 3 years. The only area where we are mismatched is our libidos — mine is very high and his is not. But we’ve made it work and for the most part and sex has been enjoyable, if a little dull.

Over the past couple of years, I have developed a serious interest in “rough sex.” Without going into too much detail, there are several things I would like to try that sound very enticing to me.

During our last sexual encounter, I talked to my husband about this beforehand and asked him if he would incorporate a few of these things to try them out — like biting me and slapping different parts of my body. He agreed, and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. It did not hurt me, and I found everything incredibly enjoyable.

The next day, I was talking with my husband about this to see how he felt and if he liked it. He said it was alright, but he’d prefer to just have “boring sex” (his words) from now on. I was disappointed, but didn’t know what to say.

The rougher sexual encounter has made me hungry for more. I want to do it again. But, I know it made my husband uncomfortable so I won’t force him to do anything. I can’t stop running scenarios around in my mind of things I really want to try, none of which I can do because I know my husband won’t be up for it.

Why can’t I just let this go and be satisfied with what I do have? Is there something pathologically wrong with me?

Counting The Bruises

DEAR COUNTING THE BRUISES: So let’s get this out of the way right off the top: nothing’s wrong with you. You like rough sex; that doesn’t “mean” anything other than hey, you like rough sex. This isn’t revelatory of some deeper truth, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you’re acting out some sort of abuse that was inflicted on you.

As far as kinks and interests go, this isn’t all that unusual. A lot of people fantasize about or actively enjoy rough sex; a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people reported engaging in and enjoyed includes choking, spanking, hair pulling, spanking, biting, being pinned down and being tied up. And just to be clear: this was referring to consensual sex, where the rough play was agreed to by both partners, rather than the desire or attempt to actually harm someone.

What’s interesting is that, considering how common it seems to be, how stigmatizing people find it. And a lot of that comes down to the fact that we live in a culture that’s still incredibly sex negative.

It seems weird in a post-50-Shades-of-Gray world, where more and more people are open about the non-standard-issue sex they enjoy, but there’s still a persistent myth that “good people have ‘good’ sex”; non-traditional sex practices are still seen as being unusual, taboo or a sign of deviancy. People, even people who see themselves as being sex-positive and open-minded will often equate enjoyment of rough sex as being suspicious at best. Some see it as being indicative of hating or wanting to degrade women, some see it as a sign of an overall violent nature or that it’s the mark of  someone who’s compensating for trauma in their lives. Lots of people will point to aggressive and rough porn — especially porn that may involve slapping, choking and the like — and insist that this is inherently bad and that the popularity of rough sex in porn is a troubling sign of… something.

All of this often comes as a surprise to the folks who enjoy having rough sex with their partners. And most of them came to it the same way you did, CTB: they had fantasies they wanted to explore or they were curious and interested in trying something new and asked their partners to indulge them. And, it seems that most of the folks who gave it a shot really liked it. According to Archives of Sexual Behavior, of the participants who tried rough sex with their partner, only 1.3% said they didn’t like it at all. 14% liked it “a little”, 46% liked it “somewhat” and 39% liked it “very much”.

This isn’t that surprising. The physicality and intensity of various forms of rough sex are literally exciting — it gets the heart pumping harder and the nervous system firing faster what we might consider to be “romantic” sex, and that excitement transfers to the intensity of the experience and increases arousal. The sex tends to be more vigorous, both partners are more engaged and participatory and — importantly — it tends to be a new and novel experience. In fact, a lot of people who report trying and enjoying rough sex mention that they tried it as a way to shake up their sex lives and get out of the routines they’d fallen into. Humans are a novelty-seeking species after all, and changing up our sexual repertoire is a key part of keeping the spark alive and the passion high in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Of course, I don’t need to explain this to you, CTB. You already know this; you had the best sex you’d had in years after your husband agreed to get rough with you. It’s hardly a surprise that when you’ve had some bed shaking banging that shook the pillars of heaven, you want more. Why wouldn’t you? That doesn’t mean that anything’s wrong with you, it just means you had really awesome sex and you’d like more please.

The complication, such as it is, comes in the fact that you loved it and your husband wasn’t that into it. That can be a problem, but it doesn’t have to be. It all comes down to you and your husband having an Awkward Conversation about sex and sexual satisfaction. You and your hubby should set aside time for the two of you to sit down and talk about this, at a time when you know you won’t be interrupted. You want to preface this with the fact that while your sex lives have been enjoyable, you’ve found that you need a little more variety than what you’ve been doing. Explain that the time you and he switched things up was incredible; let him know how much it excited you and how it made you feel and why. Did it make you feel more desired? Did it feel more intense and passionate than normal or more engaged and in tune with one another? Then tell him that. Make it clear that it was the rough sex with him that got your motor running, why this would make things even better between the two of you and how you might see this work. Then give him time to share his side of things. Was this something he just wasn’t into, or was it something he actively disliked? Did this scare him or make him feel like he’d done something “wrong”?

After he’s shared his side of things — and presuming that this wasn’t a hard “no” for him — see if you and he can work out a compromise. This is something you clearly enjoy and crave more of; is this something he can do for you on occasion, purely because you enjoy it? Doing things for your partner in bed specifically for them, even if it’s not your thing, is an important part of maintaining a strong relationship. Studies in The Journal of Sex Research have found that sexual transformations — that is, making changes for the benefit of one’s partner — improve the quality of relationships. It makes one’s partner feel heard, valued and appreciated; their partner is going out of their way to do things that make them happy, just because it makes them happy. That’s a pretty important factor in relationship satisfaction after all. Feeling neglected or like your needs are ignored, unimportant or (worse) shameful, on the other hand, negatively impacts the quality and longevity of a relationship.

Now, this can be a difficult conversation to have; it’s called an Awkward Conversation for a reason after all. It may help to have a third party guide and facilitate the conversation. Finding a sex-positive relationship counselor may make it easier for the two of you two talk things out and find an accomodation that works for the both of you. If you don’t know where to start looking, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory that can help you find a counselor in your area. But what you shouldn’t do is just assume that this is forever off the table for you — not without at least talking things out with your husband first. Don’t make assumptions; talk to him and find out where he stands. If you can draw out his feelings on this and help him understand your side of things, you might be surprised. It may not be every time the two of you bang, but you may well be able to work an arrangement that will mean getting some prime black and blue marks on occasion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com