DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years, since we were 15 years old. We’ve had a good relationship, but a half a year ago, I started feeling less attracted to him. Giving him physical attention didn’t come as easily as it should. I thought it would get better eventually as I was also not feeling well mentally at that time.

But then I met another person, when I first saw him, I was already attracted to him. I started talking to him on Facebook and we became friends. But the problem is that I have fallen in love with this person and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even know if he is interested in me. To me it’s clear that I am more interested in him than he’s in me as he sometimes ignores my messages and says he forgot to answer them.

I still love my boyfriend, and because we’ve been together for almost 6 years, it’s not easy to say goodbye. I also don’t know if the other guy and me would be a good match. We go to the same school but we don’t really talk in person the same as we do online. (This is also because I am really shy.) There isn’t also a possibility anymore to talk to him in person, unless we would meet up, because he’s abroad for 2 months.

Confused Potato

DEAR CONFUSED POTATO: Let’s leave the other guy out of this for now, Potato. Attraction happens. Crushes happen. They happen even when you’re otherwise perfectly happy with your partner. This has nothing to do with the state of your relationship or your feelings for somebody and everything to do with the fact that you’re a mammal with a sex drive. So just let that slide for now while we focus on the main problem.

And that’s how you feel about your boyfriend.

The biggest issue is, frankly, when you got together. 9 times out of 10, the relationships we start in our teens aren’t our last ones. We’re still growing and developing and learning who we are, and those changes tend to mean that who we loved and why don’t remain the same. This doesn’t say anything about your affection for your boyfriend or the strength of your commitment, just that you’re not who you were when you started.

Relationships change over time, just as people do. Who you are now is different from who you were when you first started dating and what brought you two together may have changed as you two did.  Not every relationship ends because of major drama, or because somebody did something wrong. Sometimes it’s just that the relationship has come to the end of it’s natural life and it’s nobody’s fault.

Sometimes attraction can fade because people quit trying. Sometimes it can fade because there’s an unmet need for novelty or someone (or both partners) are bored. You can pull back from those and reignite that spark. Other times, it fades because… well, you’re just not the same people. It can be hard to pull the plug on those times because you’ve sunk in so much time and it’s hard to let go because… well, wouldn’t that mean you wasted that time?

But it’s not wasted, if the two of you were happy while you were together. Similarly, it doesn’t mean that your relationship was a failure because one or both of you didn’t die in the saddle; it’s possible to realize that you were both meant to be together for a time and then it’s time to go your separate ways. If you two can still look back on your relationship with fondness and have some affection for one another after you’ve broken up, that’s an unqualified success.

Take a little time to sort out how you feel about your boyfriend… without the other guy in the picture. If you come to the realization that your relationship has reached it’s natural conclusion, then the best thing you can do is end things, quickly and cleanly.

And let that other guy go; it sounds to me like he’s not into you anyway.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am currently in college. Two of my classes are back-to-back, totaling 6 hours of class time at once, once a week. I share both classes with a guy I sit next to, and we get along pretty well. He likes me well enough to hang back between classes and wait for me so we can walk together. I like him well enough that, were I not happily married, I might ask him out.

Here’s my problem. He’s pretty funny, but self-deprecating. Now, a lot of humor comes form self-deprecation, especially done well. Except, I think he means it. He made a joke about, “bathing in self-loathing,” but it makes his hair shiny, so he has that going for him. In context, it was hilarious, and I laughed. Since then, though, I’ve been a little worried.

Mostly, though, my problem is that I’m not sure how to respond to him. Should I just keep laughing, or should I address my concern?

Thanks,

College Friend

DEAR COLLEGE FRIEND: There’s usually a pretty clear demarcation between “self-depricating humor” and “making jokes so you’ll pity him”. Part of it is how he talks about himself when he’s not making jokes. Is he down on himself or generally negative about his life in general? Is he able to laugh at himself, or does he do that thing where he laughs, but it’s clear that the smiles don’t reach his eyes? Is he able to take a compliment without brushing it off or acting like you’re a crazy person for thinking he’s not a loathsome slug?

(And to be honest: the bit about making his hair shiny is pretty clever…)

If you’re especially worried, you can always tell him that sometimes his jokes don’t sound entirely like jokes. But on the whole, it sounds like he’s got a clever sense of humor, and appreciates that you get him.

Laughing along’s not a problem, as long as he understands that you’re laughing at his jokes, not at him. Telling him he’s funny/clever, etc. is a good way of separating the joke from the person. Reminding him of the things you like about him is also good. Unless he’s giving off the Eeyore signal or making a point of being desperate for approval, I think you’re ok enjoying his jokes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long time reader and I was hoping you could lend your expert advice on a issue I’ve been having for sometime.

So little bit of backstory for most of high school and the early years of college I was the typical nerd. I was quiet, smart, terribly nervous around women (I use to stutter something terrible when I’d even try to talk to them.) You know the usual shtick. The good news is that as I got older and thanks to some of your articles I became more social calibrated and came out of my shell. I started going to the gym, dressing better, learned how to be a good conversationalist, and I guess part of this message is a thank you for helping me to become the guy I am today.

Anyway onto the actual problem. I’m a social guy. I love to meet new people and hear their stories. Recently however I’ve run a foul of some people who are mistaking my friendliness as flirtation. This has caused issues with setting up false positives for people I’m not interested in or pissing off said person’s significant other. What would your advice be to gauge the response people are having to you? And as a follow up question if you do notice that you’ve given the wrong impression how would you back out gracefully to avoid causing any more issues?

Thanks Doc,

Turning Signals Off

DEAR TURNING SIGNALS OFF: Glad to hear you’re doing so much better, TSO! Now let’s talk a little about how you might be giving people the wrong impression.

There’re a lot of times where people get the wrong impression about what people are trying to say or do. You’ll hear a lot, for example, about guys mistaking friendliness (especially professional friendliness) for flirting and politeness for attraction. Similarly, guys worry about giving off the “romance” vibe when they’re just trying to be friends with people. Call it a social issue; frequently we’ve been so disconnected from people or have such shallow and perfunctory interactions that we tend to forget that there are degrees of friendliness and intent.  Sometimes it’s cultural; basic politeness to someone in, say, Texas, can read as almost absurdly forward or solicitousness to someone from Minnesota. Other times it’s just a case of poor social calibration or – in many cases – wishful thinking.

The thing to keep in mind is that when it comes to false positives and misread signs, there’re two people involved. Sometimes it can be a case of you giving off signs that might reasonably be interpreted as being flirty. Sometimes it’s the other person who’s reading things in that aren’t there. It takes a certain amount of self-examination and self-awareness to try to get a grasp on who’s misreading whom.

Take, for example, the significant others’ of some of the women you talk to. If you’re a touchy-feely person and you do a fair amount of (acceptable) social touching, their partners might misinterpret that as flirting. They might also take it that way if you’re giving your conversational partner a lot of strong eye-contact, or doing the slow-smile or making jokes that may be taken as being flirty or teasing. It might also be read the wrong way if you’re doing a lot of isolating – that is, walking off with someone to another area or otherwise separating them from their group. It may be just part of how you are – you decide you’re going to get a drink or move someplace not quite so loud and they come with you, with no untoward intent – but it could reasonably be seen as being flirty.

On the other hand, you could be dealing with someone whose boyfriend just incredibly jealous and possessive and is going to automatically assume the worst of any person who might pose a “threat” to their relationship. In those cases, you could be waving a wedding ring around and hoisting a neon sign that says “I AM MARRIED/GAY/DEAD AND STUFFED WITH LIZARDS” and they’d still convince themselves that you meant to do them dirty. At which point, there’s really nothing that you can do aside from not exist.

So when you’re talking to someone, especially someone who’s pretty sure you’re giving signals that you aren’t, try to take a step outside of yourself and look at how you’re behaving. Is it possible that some of your behavior might be misunderstood by a reasonable person? If so… consider dialing things back just a tad. You can give people a little more personal space, be a little less physically expressive or be a touch more serious instead of teasing or making jokes.

If it’s not you… well, there’s not really much you can do if people are determined to misunderstand things. You can’t control other people’s reactions and there are some folks out there of all genders who will perceive things like “breathing” and “talking to me” as signs of flirting.

In either case, if you have a case of misunderstood intent, the easiest thing to do is gently correct them. “Hey, I’m sorry, I think you may have gotten/ I may have given you the wrong idea! You’re awesome, but that’s not really what I meant.” Deliver it with a smile and a laugh and just let bygones be bygones. It’s no worries, happens all the time, your bad, etc. Realizing that you (general you, not you, TOS) have misread a situation can be embarrassing. Letting the other person know it’s no big deal and just treating it like an amusing glitch in the Matrix can do a lot for making everyone comfortable again.

And hey, it might be worth asking someone close to you just how you’re coming across to others. They might be able to give you some insight that you wouldn’t get otherwise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four years now. For a lot of that time, she has struggled with mental health, including an eating disorder, anxiety and depression. At times it was truly awful and was fundamentally an abusive relationship. She would scream, and hit (herself and me) and make me make unreasonable sacrifices. We broke up for about 6 months but got back together after she seemed to have improved a lot.

In the past year, things have been pretty good, but there are still moments that scare me. I.e. she doesn’t have eating issues and has anxiety attacks only very occasionally, but still has suicidal thoughts.

I love her but am afraid that (1) she will one day go back to how it was, and (2) that she will not be a good mother, (just like her mother wasn’t). I also have this nagging feeling that I’m constantly waiting for things to either improve to perfect or go completely wrong so I have a clear answer one way or the other.

We also don’t have much of a sex life, though I find her beautiful and she says she feels the same about me.

Am I flogging a dead horse or does the fact we love each other mean we should stick it out?

A penny for your thoughts.

Thanks

Is Love Enough?

DEAR IS LOVE ENOUGH: Alright ILE, before I get to anything else, let’s clear one thing up: her depression and mental health issues don’t mean that she won’t be a good mother. Especially if she’s been putting in work with therapy and treatment — which it sounds like she has. I hope she continues to improve and finds solutions that help, but the fact that she’s actively addressing her mental health is a strong indicator that she wants to avoid being like her mother before her.

But that’s ultimately a secondary issue compared to everything else.

To start with, I’m gonna leap over everything and address the elephant in the room: your girlfriend has a mental health issue. Depression is a motherf--ker, and it can do all sorts of f--ked up things to the person living with it… but it can also affect the people in their lives. And one of the hardest things to do is figure out whether you can stick things out in a relationship with somebody who’s dealing with those issues. On the one hand, it can feel incredibly callous to dump somebody because they have depression or ADHD or other health issues; even the most charitable among us are likely to side-eye someone for doing so. But on the other hand, if you can’t handle it, you can’t handle it. You don’t get into heaven any faster because you made yourself suffer; doubly so if you’re doing so because you don’t want to be The A--hole Who Dumped His Partner Because Of Their Condition.

And there’re also any number of reasonable fears that can come with it; what if leaving makes things worse? What if your breaking up with someone causes them to go into a spiral and they hurt themselves… or worse? Doesn’t that mean you have a moral obligation to stick around at least until they level out and are in a better place?

Well… speaking as someone who’s been the depressed partner: no. Sticking around to Not Be The A--hole isn’t a blessing. It actually makes things worse than being honest and saying “look, I’m not equipped to handle this.” That’s gonna hurt and it’s almost impossible to not take it on as a personal failing. At the same time however, feeling like your partner is sticking around out of a sense of obligation is actually worse. As I’ve said many times: the clean break heals the fastest, and the short sharp pain is preferable to the long and drawn-out one.

And I suspect that some of these worries are at the core of your question.

But just as importantly is what they’ve done. You went through some s--t with your girlfriend, s--t that has very clearly hurt you and left scars. And while it’s true that she’s made monumental strides in taking care of herself and making things better, that doesn’t undo the past. She may be better now, but you’ve been hurt a lot. You’re still in a state where you’re still tensed up and ready to flinch at the first indication that things are going back to the way they were. That’s no way to live. It’s almost impossible to have a relationship when you keep your guard up, waiting for the worst to happen again. You can’t be relax and be completely vulnerable with someone when you’re expecting to get punished for doing so.

And to be clear: this doesn’t take anything away from the work that your girlfriend has put into her recovery. It doesn’t mean that she hasn’t done enough to make things better, nor does it mean she hasn’t worked hard enough to address her issues. It just means that some wounds are deep enough that you may not be able to heal them while they’re still in your life. And while that sucks and feels really s--tty to say, the truth is that as much as you may love somebody, you have to be willing to love yourself more and do what’s right for you, first. There’s a reason why we tell folks to put their oxygen masks on before helping other people with theirs. If you are always on your guard around her, then all you’re doing is condemning this relationship to a slow, lingering end.

And, frankly, that can be bad for her recovery too. If she feels you flinch every time she speaks above a certain volume or moves in a way that triggers a panic response, then that’s gonna f--k with her head and her depression and anxiety too.

It’s admirable that you both love each other, but as the song goes: sometimes love ain’t enough. Sometimes love doesn’t mean holding on beyond all reason; sometimes love means loving someone enough to let them go. Your being together isn’t making things better; it’s making things worse for the both of you. It’s kinder in the long run to end things now than it is to stick around out of a sense of stubbornness or obligation.

Oh, one more thing: saying goodbye now doesn’t mean that you have to say goodbye forever. If — and this is, admittedly, a mighty big if — she continues to improve and you get treatment for your own wounds and scars, then it’s possible that the two of you could circle back around to each other. To be clear: this wouldn’t be a matter of months; this would be years down the line. These aren’t issues that can be fixed in six months; these are issues that take care and time. Time that you and she haven’t had yet.

So let your love be the reason you don’t stay together. Love each other enough to want the best for one another… and the best, in this case, means you have to go your separate ways, on your own journeys of healing. Maybe that journey will bring you both back together. Maybe it won’t. But for now, your time together has come to its end. Love each other enough to let go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com